The Loving Wife

Mary jerked awake when the alarm went off. She reached over and silenced it quickly, then paused to make sure Mike was still asleep. She heard a soft snore and relaxed, glad that he had not been roused. He hated being woken up in the morning before the last possible moment that allowed him to get ready for work on time.

She carefully slid out of bed and went down the hall to get the kids up. Amanda was first, and she woke up smiling, reaching up for a hug. Mary wrapped her arms around the adorable five year old and kissed her on the forehead, telling her she loved her. She got the little girl out of bed and pushed her towards the bathroom to wash up, then she went across the hall to wake up Mikey.

Michael Junior, or Mikey was more like his father in the morning. He woke up grumpy, and took some coaxing to get moving. She got him going and then went to make breakfast for everyone. Once she had the kids settled at the table and eating, she went back to the master bedroom to wake Mike.

She called softly to him from the doorway, "Time to get up, sleepyhead."

He groaned as he woke up, then grunted and swung his legs to the floor. "Did you iron my shirts yesterday?"

Mary replied, "I finished the ones hanging on the ironing board."

Mike looked at the selection. "I want to wear the blue one today."

"I'll iron it for you while you shower," she replied. She was going to have trouble doing that and getting the kids ready on time, but making sacrifices was something loving wives did for their husbands, she thought wryly. The rest of the morning was a whirlwind of activity for Mary as she dressed the kids, ironed Mike's shirt, put Mikey on the bus, and got Amanda in the minivan just in time to pick up the other two youngsters in her pre-school carpool group.

When she stopped to pick up William, a cute little boy who's birthday was just a week after Amanda's, his mother came to the window of the minivan to say hi.

"Good morning, Mary. How are you doing today?"

"Good, thanks. How are you Vicky?"

"Fine, looking forward to finishing up a project at work this week. My boss seems really happy with the results."

"That's great. Congratulations!" Mary replied, wishing that she had an interesting job to look forward to, now that the kids were both in school during the day. Mike was dead set against her going back to work, however. It didn't make sense to her, but she hadn't had the energy to try to persuade him to reconsider.

After picking up the third child and dropping them all off at the school, she headed home. As she pulled into her driveway, she saw her neighbors, Kim and Rick, come out of the house. Rick gave Kim a nice kiss and got in his Jeep, and Kim turned and waved to Mary. They were a few years older than she and Mike and had kids in middle school, but they kissed in public like newlyweds. Mary wished that Mike was more affectionate that way. She wondered if the neighborhood gossip was true. Rumor has it that Kim and Rick have an open marriage.

When she heard that from another neighbor, she had to ask Mike what it meant. His response was that it meant that Kim was a slut. She let it go, because it seemed like her question had angered Mike, and she had to be careful not to upset him. She eventually found out from some research online that open marriages involved one or both partners having sex with others outside the marriage, with the knowledge and consent of the other partner.

Mary found this idea shocking, and was surprised that her courteous, friendly and seemingly normal neighbors harbored this secret, if it was true. She was not a prude, but she was fairly sheltered growing up, and had still been a virgin when she met Mike during their sophomore year in college.

They began dating, and when she told him that she wouldn't have sex with him because she was waiting until marriage, he was the first boy who continued to ask her out once he found out. In fact, he pushed her to date him exclusively and they became engaged when they finished college together two years later.

The relationship wasn't perfect, she thought. Mike was rather taciturn, and didn't talk much about his feelings. He also had a temper, and got very jealous if she talked to other guys, or even smiled at them.

Mike expected her to spend most of her time with him when they were not in classes. At first she was flattered by his constant attention. It seemed like he couldn't bear to be away from her. About a year into their marriage, though, his possessiveness turned into something darker. He got in moods where he sulked and refused to talk to her. When she attempted to ask him about it and draw him out, he lashed out at her verbally and became emotionally abusive.

She eventually figured out that he was upset whenever she mentioned anything about work that involved her working relationships with her coworkers, unless she was complaining about something. She learned to only share her disappointments, but that caused Mike to start telling her that she should think about quitting, so she just stopped talking about work altogether.

Then, a year after graduation and marriage, she became pregnant with Mikey. She was thrilled, and Mike was too. Things were much better between them, and she actually enjoyed the changes that were happening to her body. She felt more feminine than at any previous point in her life, and appreciated the encouraging comments that she got from friends and family as she drew closer to her due date.

After she gave birth, Mike brought up the idea of her staying at home with Mikey for the first year or so, and she thought it made a lot of sense based on what she read about children being with a parent during their first year. She quit her job and devoted her attention to the boy. It was the happiest time in their marriage.

As Mikey turned two, Mary brought up the idea of going back to work. Her mother lived close by and offered to keep the child during the day, and Mary was worried that she would lose her professional skills and have a hard time finding a job if she stayed out of the workforce much longer. Mike was noncommittal about the idea, but it was important to Mary so she continued to press her point.

She acknowledged to Mike that the issue wasn't just about work. She said she felt cut off from everybody except him and their son, and she wanted friendships with other adults. For some reason, Mike heard this as her wanting to meet other guys. He flew into a rage and called her a slut. She realized that he was going into one of his moods, so she dropped the subject and let him calm down.

Things were tense in the house, and even Mikey seemed to pick up on it and act more subdued. Mary kept to herself and things settled down and started to get back to normal. Then Mike went out with some guys after work one Friday night.

Mary stayed at home and played with Mikey, then put him down about eight o'clock. She read a book until eleven, and finally decided to go to bed. Just as she turned out the light, she heard the garage door go up. Mike was home.

He came into the bedroom and fumbled with his clothing in the dark. As he was pulling off his pants, he fell onto the bed awkwardly. Mary turned on the bedside light, and Mike glared at her groggily.

"Are you okay?" she asked with concern.

"What do you care?" Mike replied.

"I care because I love you. I am worried because you're drunk, and you drove home like that. What if you had an accident? God forbid, what if you were killed? What would your son and I do without you?"

"Shut up!" he shouted. "I'm sure you and Mikey would be fine if I was out of the way. Then you could move in with your boyfriend."

"What are you talking about?" Mary cried. "What boyfriend?"

Mike drew his hand back and slapped Mary so hard on the side of the face that she was knocked backwards onto the bed. She thought the expression 'seeing stars' was a figure of speech, but as she laid there in a daze she really did see pinpoints if light swirling in her field of vision. She was so shocked, she couldn't even speak.

Mike, as drunk as he was, seemed to realize the magnitude of his transgression. He climbed over Mary and began apologizing. He was crying, and rubbing his face against hers. She put her hand on his cheek as she regained her senses.

Before she could speak, his lips were on hers, kissing her tenderly in contrition. She laid still, hoping that he would not become violent again. His kiss became amorous as he misinterpreted her passiveness as absolution. He thrust his tongue into her mouth and Mary fought against a wave of nausea.

Mike tore at her pajamas, popping the buttons on the top open, and pushing the bottoms down until he caught them with his foot and pushed them off. Mary was frozen in fear. Mike had never hit her before, and her instincts for self-preservation told her to lie still and not provoke him.

Mike mounted her and forced his erection into her in one thrust. She was not ready, and cried out at the pain of the dry penetration. Mike was oblivious to her and kept thrusting. Mary lay passively under him until he came, and rolled off of her.

She realized she was holding her breath, and allowed herself to exhale, keeping watch on Mike out of the corner of her eye. He soon began snoring, and Mary got up quietly, put on her pajama bottoms, and went into their son's room. It was only after she made sure that Mikey was still asleep and she lay down on the day bed next to the crib that she allowed herself to cry.

She was shocked at what had transpired, but in the back of her mind a voice was telling her that she knew this day was coming eventually. She wanted to shout back at that voice, and tell it to shut up. Instead she resolved that she would never allow Mike to strike her again.

The next morning, Mary stared at the bruise on her face in the mirror and Mike pleaded with her to forgive him. She was not as upset as she had been the previous night, but she was now twice as wary of him. He continued to plead his case, and promised never to hurt her again. She told him he had anger issues, and he needed to talk to someone about them. He promised that he would. She eventually told him she forgave him, just to shut him up and allow her some peace and quiet. He thanked her profusely, and told her what a loving wife she was. The phrase seemed so bizarre to her under the circumstances that it stuck in her head.

She was embarrassed about the incident and never told anyone what happened, though her neighbors and the pastor at church all seemed to stare at her cheek the following week, despite her attempts to cover the bruise with makeup. Of course, Mike never did follow up on seeking counselling, and the one time she brought it up he gave her a look that told her she should never do so again.

Mike did treat her better, and go out of his way to be helpful. At least for a couple of months. Then Mary realized that she was pregnant again. She worked backwards from the information the obstetrician gave her about how far along she was and realized that she had probably conceived the night that Mike attacked her.

The second pregnancy was easier than the first as far as adjusting to the changes in her body, but Mary did not enjoy it as much because of her reservations about the environment she was bringing the child into. Mike had not hit her since that awful night, but he was slipping back into his old argumentative and intimidating behaviors.

When Amanda was born, Mary again found herself overcome with happiness and joy when she held the infant. Mikey seemed to adjust to sharing her attentions with his new sister, and everyone in the house relaxed and got along without incident. Once again the issue of going back to work was off the table for at least another year.

Mary shook herself as she came out of her reflections. It had been five years now, and she continued to deal with Mike's moods and anger issues. There had been no more physical abuse, but she still had to deal with his verbal abuse. She knew that the relative calm was not from Mike getting better, but from her being more careful.

The following week, Mary went to collect the mail and found a book in the box addressed to her. She unwrapped it and discovered a copy of "Victim No More- Surviving Spousal Abuse." She opened it and there was a card inside. It was from Vicky, the mother of little William in her carpool.

The note said, "I know this is none of my business, but I thought this might help you. If you need someone to talk to let me know. Vicky"

Mary's first reaction was anger. Damn right it was none of her business! But then she felt a second wave of emotion, this one despair. All of her efforts to hide her shame had been for naught, apparently. If Vicky had figured out what was going on from their brief morning greetings then who else knew or suspected?

She took the book in the house and made a cup of coffee. Then she sat down and began reading.

The following morning, when Vicky came out to the car with William, Mary exchanged pleasantries with her. As Vicky strapped the child into the booster seat behind her, Mary worked up her courage. Vicky waved and started walking away, and Mary blurted, "Vicky?"

Vicky turned back and looked at her.

"Thanks for the book."

Vicky gave her a sad smile, and said, "I hope it helps. Let me know if you need to talk."

Mary paused, then asked, "How did you know?"

Vicky stepped closer to the car and glanced at the children talking and giggling in the back seat, to make sure they were not listening. "Mikey talks to Billy," she said. "Billy said that Mikey told him his dad yells at his mom a lot, and it makes him scared."

When Mary heard this her face went pale. She couldn't continue to look Vicky in the eye.

Vicky reached in the window and put her hand on Mary's in a comforting gesture.

Mary looked up at her and said, "Thanks. I better get these kids to school."

"Are you sure you are okay?" Vicky asked.

Mary nodded, and squeezed the hand that Vicky had offered her. The two smiled at each other as she backed the car out of the driveway.

For the next two weeks, Mary spent considerable time reading the book. She found the insights into abusers, and the problems and insecurities that drove them particularly interesting. She read and reread the section on triggers that precipitated verbal and physical abuse, and realized that she had become an expert on avoiding Mike's.

But the most interesting and informative chapter was the one on dealing with an abusive relationship. It stressed the importance of reporting abuse, having a support network, and getting the abuser to seek help too.

Mary despaired when she realized that she had not done anything right in her own situation. She had not reported Mike's physical attack to the police or seen anyone for the injury. She didn't have anyone to talk to to help her realize that the problem was all his fault, and that she didn't deserve any blame for what happened. And most importantly, Mike refused to acknowledge the problem and seek help.

The final chapter was on leaving an abusive relationship. As she read it, she became scared. The book said that most abusers who failed to get help didn't get better on their own. In fact, they usually got worse. Once they started physical battery, it tended to become more frequent, and many times the abuser began lashing out at other members of the family.

The book stressed the need for advance planning when leaving the relationship, having a safe place to go, letting a trusted friend know what your plans were, and taking the children with you. The author strongly suggested asking for a court order to keep the abuser away from the rest of the family, but warned that these were not always granted if there was no history of physical injury, and no reports of prior abusive behavior to the authorities.

Mary gave her situation a lot of thought. She carefully hid the book each night before Mike came home from work. She realized that she didn't really understand her husband well, despite just reaching their eighth wedding anniversary.

She decided to do some investigation. She checked the computer in the study to see what he was doing on it at night while she bathed the kids and put them to bed. She found a link in the browser history to a website called Literotica. She loaded the page, and it opened to a list of stories under the category of Loving Wives. She read a few and, after getting used to the pornographic content, found out that they seemed to break into two categories. The largest category was wife sharing stories. About eighty percent of the stories under Loving Wives were in this group. The other major category was revenge stories involving husbands getting back at cheating wives with elaborate and sometimes violent revenge plots.

She was not a fan of the wife sharing stories. Some involved men actually encouraging their wives to sleep with other guys, and she was reminded of her neighbors. How could a man truly love his wife and want her to do that, she wondered? It was outside of her ability to comprehend that some couples actually felt this way. She had to admit though that, if what they said about her neighbors was true, they made it work somehow and seemed as close as any couple she knew.

She learned that the other, smaller category of stories was called BTB, or burn the bitch stories, and these stories really turned her off. They usually involved women having an affair and their husband finding out. Sometimes the husband confronted the wife and threw her out, or walked out himself. Many of these stories then had the husband go to elaborate lengths to publicly humiliate the wife, get her fired, leave her broke and homeless or hurt her emotionally. In a few extreme cases the husband had the wife killed.

Mary was appalled at these stories. In many of them, the wife had only made one mistake, and the husband's reaction was completely out of proportion to it. Could any husband really have ever loved his wife if she made a mistake and he refused to forgive her for it when she begged him for another chance? She couldn't see how. The writers in some stories seemed to imply that a man was justified in doing any terrible and abusive thing he wanted to a woman if she broke her marriage vows. To Mary, the men in these stories seemed to be actively looking for a reason to abuse, degrade and humiliate their wives. She didn't think she could ever trust a man who treated another person that way, regardless of the reason.

The other sites in the browser history were news and political advocacy sites. She didn't feel like she had learned much from what she found, so she did some research on investigating other people's internet use. One thing that caught her eye was a software tool called a keylogger. It allowed you to keep track of activity on a computer by logging each keystroke to a hidden text file where it could be viewed later. It also captured the URLs for each screen that was pulled up in the web browser.

She checked reviews on them and found several that were deemed safe and could be had for free. She downloaded a highly rated one out of curiosity, and set it up on the machine. She thought she made a mistake, because once she activated it nothing seemed to happen. Even when she typed the control key sequence to pull up the hidden file, the computer failed to respond. She went back to the company's website to reread the instructions. She realized that the prompt for the password was blind. You had to enter it after the control key sequence without getting a pop-up box.

This time, when she executed the sequence, she immediately followed with the password. Though nothing happened on the screen as she type the password, once she clicked enter a window opened and displayed the text she had typed since starting the software. On one side of the window were the keystrokes, and the URL was listed next to it in a tab on the other side. She could see the software company's URL, and the search terms she had entered to research the topic of launching the software and accessing the history file.