The McGuffin

THE MCGUFFIN

"Junior, be sure to change the plugs in the Studebaker."

"Not much of a suicide note," I thought to myself as I pulled it off the refrigerator, "but it will have to do."

Taking the note with me, I walked into the den. Everything was just as Junior and his sister had said it would be. He was slumped back in the chair, bullet hole in his temple. There was no exit wound. I guess he was hard headed. That was good, it would make things easier. I put the note on the desk, pulled his wallet out of his coat and put the money in my pocket. It wasn't really stealing. It's what I would want someone to do for me. Looking at the old boy, sitting there all peaceful and all, I couldn't help but feel like I ought to say a few words, but not being too good at such things, I did the only other thing I could do. I put the "powder only" cartridge in the pistol, placed it in his hand, put it up to his temple and fired.

"Murphy is going to love this," I chuckled to myself. Actually, Murphy was going to hate it. I was going to love it…watching Murphy hate it that is. The more Murphy hated it, the better it was for me. I would let her stumble around with her head up her ass for a week or two and then give her what she needed...after she gave me what I wanted. I was going to get one hell of a blow job for this one... a really, really good…all day long…well, let's just say that as far a Murphy was going to be concerned, it was going to be the blowjob from hell. That is what Murphy does best though. She's a lousy cop, but a great cock sucker. Hell, she made lieutenant by sucking my dick. The first few times I had just fucked her, but she had liked that. Well, actually she hated it, but what she hated most about it was the fact that she had liked it. I didn't like her liking it though so I had started making her suck my dick. Nothing to like about that, so I liked it a lot better. The last time I made her thank me. She hated that most of all, but I thought it was the best part.

"Thank you for letting me suck your dick, Dick," she had managed to get out after the third try. Don't know why she didn't laugh. I thought it was fucking hilarious.

No time to think about that now though. I had to find the McGuffin. There had to be a McGuffin. There was always a McGuffin.

It was just a matter of logic. The old man's kids were smart. They didn't off the old boy without a plan. I just had to figure out how they planned to make me the fall guy. It wasn't going to be too hard though. Just assume the worst. Always assume the worst. You'll never go wrong. That's why I'm so good at this job. I just ask myself what I would do. In this case, it was easy. The daughter was a looker. That meant that someone wanted to look and my money was on Junior. I went to her room and sure enough, I found the camera in the A/C vent and the VCR behind a panel in the boy's closet. He had the whole house wired. You could bet there would be a tape of me entering the house. Hello McGuffin.

***

I always enjoy the walk down the hall to my office after I have put the chimp in the bag.

"Dick Green, Private Investigations," it says on the door. It ought to say "Dick Green, Assume the Worst," but I guess that wouldn't be too good for business. Actually, it wouldn't make any difference. As long as the world is full of lies and misery my business will be just fine. There's a lot of money to be made in lies and misery. Fucking hilarious.

"Give me the money," I said, after I had them standing in front of my desk.

"It's all here…fifty thousand," said Junior, putting the briefcase on the desk, "as we agreed."

I made them stand there until I had finished counting and then got on with it.

"Fine," I said, putting the briefcase down on the floor, "Now, there's just one more thing."

"What's that?" asked Junior.

"Take your fucking clothes off, both of you," I snarled.

"What the hell?" exclaimed Junior as his sister's eye's got big, "Fuck you!"

Funny how so often the last thing someone says before they get fucked is "fuck you."

It didn't take to long to have them naked and sniveling in front of my desk after I explained that I had the tape of Junior distracting him and the girl blowing the old man's brains out. They were ready to do anything…everything was more what I had in mind.

"Now here's the deal," I said, after I had taken my dick out of my pants and terrorized them with it for a while, "One of you is going to fuck and one of you is going to suck. You're first Junior…choose."