The New Owners - 02 February

Tue, Feb 1, 00

Brian wants me to start doing a monthly summary of all the option sales by category. It should be Todd's job and it makes me so mad that they think they can just keep dumping more stuff on me just because they know I will do it. Todd had time to go with Mike to some trade show last Friday. Like as if he needs to go to a trade show. Of course they didn't even ask me. Not that I need to go either, but I wouldn't have had time any way. They just keep giving me more and I know I am supposed to set limits but it sounds a lot easier when Margaret says it than when Brian comes to my cubicle and says he wants me to do something. Like what am I supposed to tell him, No, I already have to much to do and am working late? I know he works late too but he is vice president and probably gets paid ten times what I do. So I say "sure Brian" and then just feel like such a loser. I was going to write "It's not my fault if he doesn't have a life" but then I don't have a life either and it is not like that would change if I started leaving a 5:00.

Rented Boys Don't Cry and I think she should get the Oscar for it. It was so amazing.

Wed, Feb 2, 00

Margaret was mostly about what a loser I was in high school, so that was depressing. She tried to "put it in context" but it was still depressing.

When I got home I could hear people in the downstairs apartment. Of course I immediately got worried cause they probably won't be as nice as Mrs Baker, but I basically forgot all about them until they woke me up having sex. It was almost like they were in my room. They must be using that upstairs storage room in Mrs Baker's as their bedroom and I guess that is right beside my bedroom cause it was so loud in there! It was like she was in the room with me and she was making so much noise! It sounded fake. Like as if anyone would really make that much noise. Not that I am exactly an expert, but it just sounded like she was trying to see how much noise she could make. As if I want to hear that! At first I was just mad cause they woke me up but after a while lying there in my dark room having to listen to them have so much fun I just felt lonely. I miss Mrs Baker. She couldn't even climb the stairs up to that room and she SURE didn't ever do that, hah, hah, hah. I should go visit her, poor old dear. She must be terribly unhappy these days.

That is all I need is loud neighbours. I hope they are just renters and not the new owners so I can complain.

Darn it. I've loved my little apartment all these years and I am really afraid that having these new people living in the other side of the house is going to totally ruin everything. Mrs Baker never bothered me except to ask me over for tea once in a while. It seems strange to have strange people living in the house. Yuck I hate change.

Thu, Feb 3, 00

They let Cynthia go at work today. I know she was making a lot of mistakes but it is still scary. I think they do that every so often just to keep everybody scared. And it works. They never say why. Just one day someone is going around saying goodbye. Except Cyn was so upset she just grabbed her stuff and left crying so I didn't really get a chance to say goodbye. I have her home number though and I will call her tomorrow. I really hope we can stay in touch.

The new owner came over tonight. Her name is Trish and it was her last night. Well, she didn't say that but they do live there. She is probably in her late twenties, a big woman. Kind of trashy. She had more makeup on to come upstairs to meet me then I have ever worn in my life. Her top was too tight and showed huge cleavage. But she seems nice. Very outgoing and a bit loud. They just moved here from Windsor. They have a 6 month old baby but her room is downstairs so she said she shouldn't bother me. I felt like I should have said something about the noise last night then but of course I didn't.

Fri, Feb 4, 00

It was weird looking at Cynthia's empty desk today and not having her ask me the daily trivia question.

Diane called and said they are having trouble finding a sitter for tomorrow night so she may not be able to go and I said I would stay with Nelson so she could go. I knew I should not have, even while I was saying it. That I would regret it and resent it, but there didn't seem like any point in ruining both our nights and I am not going to go sit alone in a bar to watch Russell play. She argued a little bit but not very hard so I almost feel like she had it mind when she called. She says she is still going to try to find a sitter but I wonder how hard she will try if Aunt Marilyn will do it.

They were having sex again next door. I felt stupid but I actually left my TV show to go and listen. I think he was going down her at first and I actually kind of liked listening to that. I kept trying to picture what he was doing and what it would be like to have a man do that. It sure sounded like she liked it but then it sounds as if she has an orgasm if he looks at her sideways so I don't know if it felt as good as she made out. After a while she started to beg him to "fuck" her. It sounded so dirty. And I wanted him to too. I think I almost cried in frustration when he finally did and she made it sound so good. But then they really started going at it and banging the bed against the wall and they were both grunting so I got out Kendal, but it was kind of gross. I mean I came but I felt like such a loser alone with my vibrator when they were having great real sex.

Sat, Feb 5, 00

Early hair appointment. I got the same old. Diane was trying to convince me to do something different last weekend but when I was actually in the chair I couldn't. I mean I have tried it short I have tried it shaped and I hated it. I know it is boring like this but I guess that is just who I am. Boring. After all, look what I am doing with my Saturday night. Baby sitting for her so she can go out and have fun.

Went to see Mom and Dad. Her eye appointment is this week which is about time. She is half blind. I get so frustrated with her because her eyes have been getting worse for months and she won't do anything about it. I think it also just scares me because I see how old she is getting.

Sun, Feb 6, 00

I was woken up this morning by Trish giving Ryan a bj. This time he was the one talking dirty and I am lying in bed listening to him say all sorts of horrible things to her. He called her a bitch and a slut and things way worse than that and told her what to do and I was like totally furious that I have to listen to this but also after a while it started turning me on too. I can't believe she lets him talk to her that way. ___

I am really starting to wonder about myself. I was watching The Practice and heard them start up again next door and actually turned it off so I could go listen. I feel so perverted listening in on them. And pathetic. But they sure don't seemed too worried about who hears them.

Mon, Feb 7, 00

Went to visit Mrs Baker after work. It is horrible in there. She says she is okay but I don't see how she can be with all those drooling loonies. G_d it is awful getting old.

Tue, Feb 8, 00

Had a fight with Mom. She went to the eye doctor and she has an appointment for an operation in August and the second eye in October. She'll be blind by then! Why didn't she go six months ago when she first had a problem?

Then Carolyn told me I have to start covering on switchboard again because Cynthia is gone. Can't they see I don't have time for that? It's not like I go out for lunch. I am already eating at my desk because I am so busy but its like if you are a woman you have to be on the switchboard schedule. They don't make Todd do it. They wouldn't even think of asking him because he has a penis. He goes out for lunch every day! G_d it is just so unfair!

Wed, Feb 9, 00,

Had Margaret. Mostly talked about Saturday and how I could have handled it differently. She's right, I could have just gone over to Di's and spent the evening visiting. Just because she can't get a sitter is no reason that I have to give up my night, but I never think of those things when someone is asking me to do things. Margaret asked me if I think I am a martyr. but I don't think I am, I just have trouble saying "no". But maybe I am. I will have to think about it more.

Thu, Feb 10, 00

Happy Birthday to me, loser. G_d I hate birthdays. They had a cake at work and I just wanted to run away. 34. Yuck! No boyfriend, I hate my job, nothing to do tonight. I am going out with the girls tomorrow to celebrate but tonight it is just me and Kendal. How pathetic is that? He is sitting there on the bedside table waiting for me to stop writing. Well, waiting for the new owners to start going at it next door. It is so sick but I have actually started waiting for them. They seem to do it every night but not at the same time. I keep telling myself not to listen but here I am waiting for them. Here we are. Is that pathetic or what? Can't get laid so I have to listen in on someone else. Pretty sad, Marilyn, pretty sad. I really hate myself sometimes.

Trish came over after work and asked me if I could watch Alyssa for her for an hour. All I wanted to do was go and use Kendal, but of course I said yes. I hope this does not turn into a regular thing. She offered to pay me but I refused because I think it will make it harder for her to ask in the future, but she grabbed my arm and stuffed money into my hand and said she insisted.

Fri, Feb 11, 00

Went out with Diane, Nancy, Luisa. I asked Cynthia to come but her husband already had plans. It was fun. We went La Trattoria and they had them bring a cake out. I hate it when the whole restaurant sings Happy Birthday, but it was nice too. Nancy and Tim are going to move in together.

Sat, Feb 12, 00

Woke up this morning to Ryan saying "What do you want, you c---? Tell me what you want" and Trish begging for his cock. I hate it in the morning. It is so rude of them to not think that someone might be sleeping at 8:30 on a Saturday. No, really it is just that it is just too much to take first thing in the morning. I admit I get turned on listening to them at night but having to listen to it that early in the morning, to be woken up by it and have to listen before I even have had a cup of coffee is just too much. And besides, does he have to use that word? Yuck!

I am really wondering what he looks like, though. The way he talks to her you'd think he was some gorgeous stud but he's probably just a big slob. Maybe I have just spent too many nights trying to picture his "huge fucking cock" "fucking" her "dirty hole". I really can't believe some of the stuff they say. Do people say that stuff when they are having sex? I sure never did but maybe everyone else does. ___

Went shopping but didn't have any luck. Saw a great top but it was too funky for work and not something I would wear unless I was going out and since I barely ever go out I didn't buy it. Then I found a great work top but it was fitted and I didn't fill it out. So that just made me depressed.

So here I am waiting for the neighbours to have sex so at least I will have some fun today. That is so pathetic, Marilyn. But then, I am pathetic. I have started pretending when I am listening to them that there is a window between our rooms instead of a wall so that they can see me using Kendal while they have sex. I don't know why that turns me on, but it does. Its like it turns me on to pretend that they know how pathetic I am. I imagine her laughing at me while he fucks her. While I listen to her moaning and saying all the things she does, I picture on her hands and knees, him fucking her from behind while she looks me in the eye with this total superior look like "He wants to fuck me every night and you are so shy and flat and plain that nobody's wanted to fuck you for 14 years" G_d, its been 14 years! Of course getting turned on by that only makes me feel more pathetic so it is like horrible circle, but I can't stop myself from thinking those things. I hate myself for being turned on by it but I can't help it. No wonder I have trouble asserting myself. I wonder what Margaret would say if she knew that I actually enjoy having people look down on me. But I don't. I hate it. It's not as if it turns me on when people take advantage of me cause I don't stick up for myself. But then how come picturing Trish laughing at me turns me on? Oh, G_d, I wish I... Oh I don't know what I wish. I wish I was normal. I wish I had a husband and a baby and wasn't addicted to my vibrator. I wish I didn't hate myself.

Sun, Feb 13, 00

Woken up by another bj. It actually got me turned on this morning which was kind of frustrating because I basically wore out Kendal's batteries last night trying to fall asleep so there wasn't much left. They never did do it last night so about 12:30 I just did it myself imagining all those things that I said I hated imagining.

Finish Dad's sweater. I can't really afford wool to start a new one and I don't exactly need any more sweaters but I am kind of at loose ends. Maybe I will go for a walk. ___

Trish came up this afternoon and asked me if I wanted to come down for tea. It seemed kind of odd, but I didn't want to seem rude so I did. It was nice. She did most of the talking, of course. She said that sometimes after a whole day with a baby she just really needs to talk to an adult and Ryan was working. He works for Home Depot. She nursed Alyssa while I was there and I managed to sneak a peak at her boob so I can picture them better now. My G_D they are huge. I wonder what it would be like to have those huge things hanging on my chest.

There is something about Trish that I don't like. Its like no matter what we are talking about there is always this look on her face like something is funny. Like inside she is laughing at me. I guess I didn't notice it before but I must have seen it without realizing it cause it is sort of the look from my fantasy about her watching me with Kendal. That must be why I thought of it in the first place. It makes me uncomfortable with her, even though she is nice. Of course when I finally got upstairs and had had chance to use Kendal I pretended that she DID know everything and that the whole time we were having tea she was laughing at me. Thank G_D she can't really know, but I love pretending that she does.

Mon, Feb 14, 00

Work was hell. Magnus is changing their entire line so we have to have it all input by Wednesday

Now I am bored. Watched Ally McBeal but now I don't know what to do with myself. I keep checking the wall but they don't seem to be doing anything tonight. G_d, I can't believe how pathetic I am, but it is the most interesting thing in my life at the moment which is pretty darned sad. Happy Valentines, loser. I always hated being alone on Valentines but it is really pathetic to be alone with fresh batteries waiting for the neighbours to have their Valentines Day sex so I can listen in. I sort of feel like I am stealing some of their love and passion for myself. Oh, I hear them coming upstairs.

Tue, Feb 15, 00

Work was totally crazy. Didn't get home until 9.

Met Ryan tonight on my way in. He seemed nice. I am looking forward to picturing him tonight. Oh my G_d, I can't believe I am actually planning what I will fantasize when I listen to them. I am so pathetic. But it will be nice to be able to picture him now. I have tried to picture him with a look on his face like he is totally enjoying her and looking at me like I can only dream about a guy like him, but it will be easier now.

G_d, it suddenly occurred to me how embarrassing it would be if anyone ever read all this. I think I would die. Thank G_d I live alone.

Wed, Feb 16, 00

Margaret was about why I hate birthdays. I wish I could talk about listening to Trish and Ryan. But I just can't. How could I tell her that I spent all night Saturday waiting for them? Or that now, not only do I use Kendal every day after work to relax, but every night while I listen to the neighbours have sex. Or about what I fantasize about. Well, she told me to start this journal because there were things I could not tell her so I guess writing all that stuff here will have to do.

Thu, Feb 17, 00

Rrr! I hate her! She is just SO rude. No, she is plain mean. Trish came out when I was on my way in and asked me down for tea, again. I tried to get out of it but ended up going in. She must have been waiting for me, listening to hear to me come in. She was nursing Alyssa again while we talked and she started telling me how men always try to sneak looks when she does it when she's out. I said how embarrassing that must be, but she said she likes it and smiles at them and makes sure they have a long clear look. She started looking down and talking to Alyssa for a while and I guess I was looking at her boob because when I looked up she was looking me in the eye. Our eyes only locked for a second but I knew she had caught me peeking. I mean, it is not supposed to matter because we are both girls, right? But somehow I know she knew... knew what? That you wanted to see her big boobs, Marilyn. That you were looking at them just the way a man does. She had that same laughing, smug look as if she knew exactly what I was thinking. Then she gave this little shrug and went back to looking at Alyssa. She was deliberately letting me look. Then she said that girls like me would never understand how sexy it was to have tits so big that everybody - and she really stressed the "every" - wanted to look at them.

How dare she?! "Girls like me"! Grrr. Flat chested girls like me? She was laughing at me. Laughing that she had caught me looking at her boob. Laughing because she has boobs men want to look at and I don't. I didn't even want to go for stupid tea and she insulted me! I felt like just getting up and leaving but it just would have made me look dumb so I made myself stay and finish my tea. I tried to act like everything was okay but I am so bad at hiding my feelings I am sure she knew I was upset. Alyssa had finished but she didn't put her boob away and kept her eye locked on mine with that stupid smirk while she talked, like she was just daring me to look down.

I was so upset that I couldn't even come with Kendal. And there was no way I am going to give her the satisfaction of listening to them tonight. I am going to watch ER really loud. What a bitch.

Fri, Feb 18, 00

Sometimes I wonder if I am not better off single. Doreen was telling me a bit of what she goes through with Joe and you wonder why women are so desperate that they put up with that sort of stuff. Of course I probably would too if I had the chance. She says that when he is not like that she loves him so much that its worth it but jeez...

I am not going to listen to Trish and Ryan again tonight. I hate her. ___

So much for that. I can't stop myself. I tried though. I closed the bedroom door and read on the couch, feeling like a prisoner in my own home. But when the show got quiet I could hear her asking him if he "liked her big, swollen tits" or something and I just couldn't stop myself. I had been hating her so much for what she said to me I think I needed to hear him say it was true. So I went in the bedroom. Just to hear what he said. Well he did. Over and over. And if he stopped she would ask him another question, all about her boobs. Did he like them big, were big ones sexier then small ones, do all men like them big, did he feel sorry for girls with little ones, on and on, all about what she had said the yesterday. Then she asked him to fuck them and they just kept talking the whole time about how great they were and how sad it must be for flat girls who can't do that.

She must have known I could hear her. It was just too much like she was trying to prove her point from yesterday. And the thing is, it worked. Listening to Ryan go on and on about how much he loves her big boobs and picturing her smirking at me while he proved it by fucking them, it just turned me on so much that I couldn't stop myself. But just when I started using Kendal she didn't say anything for a few seconds and I wondered if she could hear the buzz and was laughing like she had won. I don't think she could really hear Kendal, and she certainly couldn't know that the things they were saying actually turn me on. She was probably just trying to be mean. But I pretended she could hear, that she knew exactly what I was doing and thought I was totally pathetic. I came so quickly.