The Old Toothbrush Pt. 02

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For each action, there is a repercussion often ill understood.
5.2k words
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Part 2 of the 3 part series

Updated 06/08/2023
Created 04/24/2018
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Trambak
Trambak
34 Followers

Chapter-3

Why was she crying?

On most faces, this question should bring upon a smirk of ridicule. After all, why would a woman cry after she had been caught cheating? Of course, to save her own skin and to prove to her husband that she felt sorry. Absolutely correct and justifiable for those who did not know Suhasini, but I knew her better.

Our daughter was two years old and Suhasini would stitch clothes for her. She was exceptionally versatile on the sewing machine and on one such evening she was at it while I was watching TV when I heard a faint cry of anguish. I rushed to her and found her sitting shamefaced. She had had a momentary loss of attention. The needle had pierced through her finger nail and the bone and was protruding from the other side. And she was embarrassed. But there was not a drop of tear. She would complain about so many things but never about her own discomforts, pain or even bare needs.

She never cried.

Now the tears were flowing. She wasn't sobbing or wailing or even contorting her face. Tears just flowed out of her open eyes and she made no efforts to stem it. I was afraid to look into her eyes for I did not know what her silent tearful eyes wished to say to me. I was not prepared to decipher anything.

As I looked towards her she tightened her grip on my back, her fingers clawing my shirt. I looked the other way, away from her in equal agony.

The extreme tiredness coupled with the bizarre happenings that I was subjected to was now lesser and I could think a little more rationally. But the thread was getting disrupted because I could not identify the starting point. And, how could I? I was thrust into the eye of a maelstrom making me the judge of a court that I was unfamiliar with.

My arms continued to get wet and I knew that they were not sweating.

Fortunately, sleep once again embraced me into its folds of fleeting relief. I slept fitfully till the first light of the dawn struck my eyes.

I looked at her. She too was sleeping, in a fetal position, her hands on her knees. Amidst sleep, she looked so vulnerable, so weak and so much in need of comfort. Or maybe she was feeling the chill of the daybreak. I got up and then on second thoughts placed the thin fleece blanket on her, being careful not to wake her up.

I went to the kitchen and prepared tea. This was something that Suhasini allowed me to do and actually indulged me. On an impulse, I put sufficient water for both of us. The tea was ready after ten minutes of infusion. The aroma was the same as before. It tasted as before. Had anything changed?

Logically, everything! Only I was unable to react appropriately. I had no SOP for such situations. I was strangely surprised at myself. I did not feel the anger that I was expected to feel. I failed to get justifiably enraged. I was like a large stone impervious to pain or insults.

Knowing me and my temper, this calmness was disconcerting but not distressing. And finally, I tried to figure out its reasons, sitting all alone and reviewing my life with Suhasini and sure it was a long one. In essence, we had stayed in each other's company for more time than we did with our respective parents and we knew each other better than they did. I thought about this long period of our togetherness, the big and the small little things that we did. And, all at once, the cobwebs of my mind cleared.

I knew why I was behaving such!

I had no more doubts.

I went back to the bedroom and lightly touched her. She opened her eyes and looked past me. I said, what I had said numerous times earlier, "Suhas, tea is ready".

She looked at me a bit confused and suddenly the overwhelming shame and embarrassment were roaring back in her eyes. I was not surprised at her reaction. I repeated, "Come. Tea is ready".

Suhasini nodded her head dumbly and tried to get up. Her long hair was all rustled and dishevelled. She looked kind of cute. I came out of the room allowing her to assimilate what I just said.

I waited in the living room.

After a few moments, she came in. We sat facing each other on the dining table and had our tea and biscuits that we had been doing for years now. Nothing changed. Except that Suhasini was quiet, her eyes barely left the cup and her body was still.

It was time for me to speak. After a little hesitation, I started speaking. Initially, my voice seemed alien to myself. Suhasini looked up and tried to say something. I raised my hands and said firmly, "Suhas! Let me speak and you please listen! What happens at the spur of a moment is never the complete truth. What happened yesterday was just a bad moment in our life and nothing else. For me, you are too precious, too important to be judged by a single incident or even multiple ones. For me, I alone know what you are and what you mean to me. So, stop thinking about what I think. I think nothing. It's a nightmare, that's all. The night is gone and a day has begun. Nothing's changed."

Suhasini sat stooped. For me, who has always seen her upright, her downcast eyes and that pathetic body language were more painful than her deeds. I was not even sure whether she had heard me at all?

Dismayed, I repeated myself, "Did you hear what I said? Forget it! Nothing's changed!"

She stood up, still looking down, muttered carelessly, "Nothing's changed?" And left the room.

I had thought that I could set things right but was I wrong? I sat silently, stumped.

My mind insisted that I keep trying. Somewhere, some sixth sense alerted me to quickly restore normalcy lest things go completely out of hand, forever. Explanations and displeasure could wait. They were not the priority. There would be time for that too.

I found her sitting on the edge of the bed, looking nowhere. I caressed her hair fondly. Not for a moment did I feel that some punishment was due. She kept sitting, emotionless, blank.

A living dead.

I thought it prudent to leave her to herself, to her own devices.

I retrieved the bag that I had so carefully hid in the store. Had I left it in the living room, the story would have been different. Indeed, an act of omission. There was a surprise gift for her, an iPad suggested and procured by our daughter Ranjana.

Nothing else to do, I emptied the bag and spent some time in the bathroom. I took a long bath.

I found a breakfast ready comprising of my favourite things. I ate in silence because it was becoming difficult for me to breach the wall of silence pervading the house.

The household work progressed like clockwork without a word being spoken. I tried a little more to break the ice.

I suggested tentatively, "Let's go for dinner tonight!"

She looked blankly at me and then said, "Where?"

I said enthusiastically, "Let's go to Mainland!"

I said that on purpose. Suhasini always opposed my interest in that restaurant saying that in addition to other flaws, it was too expensive and we usually went to someplace else. I wanted to evoke that response in her.

She looked up and said nothing.

I changed track and said, "Of course, it's too expensive for the fare that it doles out.

What do you suggest?"

She thought for some time and said without enthusiasm, "No, you like Mainland, let's go there."

The evening was a disaster. The arrival of dishes was interspersed with my monologue. She nibbled at the food. I took the opportunity to present her the iPad for which she had only one drab comment, "What will I do with such advanced gadget?" Somehow, we managed to trudge through the agony and reached home.

The night, the bed, the sleep and the eventual Sunday morning came in its own routine. Somehow, contrary to my habit, I overslept. I found her sitting on the in the dining room engrossed in her thoughts. The tea was already done and I joined her with my cup.

She allowed me a few moments to settle down and said quietly looking directly into my eyes, "You go back to Delhi."

"I will", I said. "On Tuesday", I added with a bit of trepidation.

"No, you go back today". Still looking directly at me.

For the first time in two days, I felt my anger rising or whether it was my frustration, I didn't know. Damn it. Was I some kind of a play doll who could be bent at will? With great effort, I retorted back, "Why?"

She continued her gaze and said, "I need to think. I can't do it with you being around.

You should go."

I reasoned with her, still annoyed "Look, Suhas. You don't have to think a thing. There is nothing amiss! I am telling you."

With a wry smile, she replied, "Huh! Is it? Nothing amiss! Not for me."

Trying the last ditch attempt, I shouted in anger, "What will I tell Ranju if I go back early?"

"Tell her the truth!" She replied with a frightening coolness.

Chapter-4

The only thing that Suhasini did not leave me with was an option. And I was not going to beg anymore. The line was drawn when she asked me to leave and without any compunction. But, I was not ready to go back to Delhi. Unlike her, I was not yet ready to answer questions raised by Ranju. I was not well adept at lies.

There was no point in sticking around. I got ready and by 9 am, left the house. The only words expressed between us was:

Me: Should I take the iPad back?

Her: Will they take it back?

Me: No.

Her: Then leave it.

There were no byes, no hugs and no 'call me once you land' words.

Booted out? Yes.

Was it my fault? No.

Did I deserve it? No, no, no!

Was I feeling bad? Yes.

Did I want to go back?

Yes.

I took an auto and left for the railway station. What for? I did not know. At the station, I found a driver looking for a passenger for Belgaum. I took that and we were off. The car moved but my mind didn't. I did not respond to a few innocuous questions by a co-passenger.

I travelled aimlessly from Pune to Belgaum to Goa. Stayed for two days at Colva and then returned to Delhi late at night on Tuesday. Ranju was there to open the door.

"Did she like the iPad?" She asked

"Very" I replied enthusiastically.

"Did you show her all the features?" She questioned.

"Definitely, you take me for a fool or what?" I said, irritated.

Ranju looked at me quizzically. Fortunately, her phone rang. I was let off.

Routine life rambled on. Outwardly, nothing had changed, but internally? I think I was getting obsessed with changes!

Two weeks passed and I, like a maniac kept on checking all my electronic addresses. Nothing pinged. Slowly, I stopped looking. I gave up.

The WhatsApp showed a message on Tuesday morning, exactly 14 days after my return to Delhi with a cryptic message, "Check mail." I opened the mail and there were a short message and one attachment.

"Take some leave and come. John Pinto will meet you at the airport. Bye."

The attachment was an air ticket to Dabolim airport for Wednesday morning. I had 24 hours to understand the meaning of all this. I replied the WhatsApp message with an okay sign.

Leave wasn't a problem. I called Ranju and informed her that I needed to go on a short duty trip and to my relief, she did not ask questions. In the evening, we went out for dinner to the Saket Mall and akin to a pilgrimage went inside the 'fabindia' store. A woven jacket caught my eyes and I showed it to Ranju. She flipped the price tag and arched her brows, almost touching the roof.

What the hell! I bought it.

The early morning flight gave me time to reflect on this very peculiar travel of mine. It was a mysterious journey and straight out of a thriller story. John Pinto would be there to take me to his den. Would I be blindfolded? I laughed. The passenger on the next seat looked back curiously. I was nonplussed but he smiled back. Maybe, he too was pursuing some story of his own. The sun was rising and I felt the excitement of a new day.

As I came out of the airport building, I looked for a heavy set muscular man with a cigar and goggles. He was nowhere to be seen. Instead, a thin balding man in slippers was standing with a placard with my name wrongly spelt. I shouted, "John Pinto!" The gangster in slippers approached me flashing a smile extending to his ears. The first words that tumbled out of his mouth were, "Nasta karinga to bolo (Have some breakfast)."

I soon realized that the cab was taking me towards the southern part of Goa. John Pinto appeared to have an intense interest in the dwindling quality of 'feni' (a local cashew/coconut wine), produced nowadays. He lamented the dishonesty and shortcuts that had engulfed the 'feni' producers. Good days apparently were gone from Goa! I listened to him carefully. I wanted to ask him the whereabouts of my destination but refrained, for a variety of reasons. I allowed my luck to take me to my endpoint.

Once we crossed Margao, I suspected that I was headed towards a place we had visited a long time back. We crossed Canacona and I knew that I was going to the Palolem beach, the most exquisite beach in Goa. Our dreams of conjugal bliss had matured there. At "D'souza's Shack." The beach hadn't changed much and retained its charm. I asked Pinto to drop me at the car park. I needed to walk about 500 meters to the shack. It had to be that place!

Pinto asked me, "Tumko D'souza ka shack malum hai kya? (Do you know where D'souza's shack is?)"

I nodded. Pinto handed me a worn-out card and said with humility, "Sir, car ke liye phone karneka. Raat ko chhod kar. Thora feni chalta kya? (Call if you want a cab except at night. Would you like to sample some feni?"

I shook my head and started to walk down the beach leaving Pinto to sample some quality feni in the adjacent joint.

D'souza's shack had a marvellous gazebo jutting out on the beach and I could see a silhouette of a woman in colourful attire holding the wooden rails. It took me about 5 minutes to reach and came face to face with Suhasini, stunningly beautiful. A completely new look. Everything was new, the hair, the dress and the body language. She came down to meet me, smiled and touched my new jacket.

"Nice". She said.

In contrast to her confidence and smartness, I felt lowly, out of place. I could not take my eyes off her.

She knew it and asked me conspiratorially, "How do I look?"

I answered honestly, "Neighbour's wife."

She laughed loudly, obviously pleased. Her voice was tantalizingly intoxicating sufficient for anyone to lose control.

She held me by my hand and pulled through the stairs to the gazebo. There were two reclining couches side by side. She made me lie down. She went behind and caressed my head and temples. Suddenly I could feel the fragrance of her hair and her whispering in my ears, "How are you?"

I looked up and said nothing.

She continued to massage my head for a long time. No words were exchanged.

The vast blue ocean in front of us was calm and so were we. Turbulence if any was hidden.

Everything was of best quality and in perfect cadence, the food, the ambience, the comfort and the lady. I was not able to comprehend the situation. It appeared so unreal.

By the laws of nature, the evening brought in the sunset, dazzling in its colours slowly turning the sea from molten gold into a dark body of unknown terror.

We sat on the couches side by side. Suhasini did not let go my hands even for a moment in the last few hours. But I could not recognize my Suhas in her. But, she was undeniably mine, her touch was the same. With closed eyes, I could feel it.

Night descended and brought along the human silence. The only sounds that I heard were of the waves breaking against the shoreline.

We had a memorable dinner and it was time for me to make love, to this beautiful woman. My anger was gone, a long time back. I pulled her to me. Inexplicably, she resisted. I looked at her, visibly surprised.

She kissed me on my forehead and said, "I need to tell you something and you need to listen."

"What?" I asked, worried.

"The truth. Your Suhas wants to confess."

Chapter-5

I wasn't a 'Padre' but if Suhasini had decided to confess to me, I didn't have a choice.

I nodded dumbly.

She sat near me, still holding my hands and started to speak.

"That night when you found me with Adi, it was not a one-off event. I love him.

My 20 years of existence with you is an enigma to me. We were distinct individuals for maybe five years. For five years we explored each other, discovered each other, loved each other and disagreed with each other. We fiercely quarrelled and then fiercely made love. We didn't speak for a week and when we made up we didn't stop loving for a week. When you returned from the tours, I would think for hours, how I would look nicer, to you. You once purchased a copy Rayban simply to impress me.

Soon, this discovery was over. The model family disease caught us. We started appreciating each other's viewpoints and accepted each other the way we were. We no longer fought and became an ideal couple! We lost our entities.

Maturity snatched away from us our romance. We started caring but we stopped wooing. I started worrying more about how you look than to what I should be doing so that you keep looking at me. You too did the same. Slowly we took each other for granted. I would wear some shapeless nightie at home and you would just wear a Bermuda and nothing on top exposing your pot belly. To look nice or to make efforts to be presentable to each other just did not happen anymore.

You started liking what I liked and also disliked what you previously liked simply because I did not like it. Even I conformed to your ways. We had become so much as one that our entities collapsed into one. Our happiness's and worries were one. We were no longer different persons with different viewpoints. We were frighteningly one. Though for the world we were such a well-adjusted couple."

Suhasini kept quiet. I looked at her with incredulity. What as she saying. For all this long, I had thought that we had achieved perfection in marriage. Myth.

She appeared to organize her thoughts.

"Similarly, my shame was yours too. When you found me in bed with Adi, you were more ashamed than annoyed. I was supposed to feel the shame alone but you were feeling it on my behalf. You were more embarrassed as if it was an indiscretion by you. Guilty of barging in unannounced.

That night you behaved like a father who tries to cover up for his son's mistakes. You were not the possessive husband flying in an uncontrolled rage at Adi or me!

Rather, you escorted back Adi. You were considerate and kind to him as if he had just made a silly mistake that should be overlooked.

I have never seen you sleep in your jeans and shirt. You were uncomfortable and slept fitfully. For the first time, I was so livid with myself, for losing the control that I always cherished. I cried in anger but it did not give me solace. I had lost it.

Throughout the day, you kept consoling me trying to make me comfortable. That made me more miserable. We should have thrashed out the matter. You should have been angry. I kept looking at you to see that spark of anger. The only thing that I saw was sadness and some fear. The fear of losing me.

What I did was of least concern to you? You were simply letting me go. You did not ask for my relationship with Adi because had I told you that I was leaving you for him, you would have allowed me, for my sake. My happiness was supreme. Yours? It didn't matter.

I was like "the old toothbrush", of supreme sentimental value whether it's useful or not. Something that's just a habit."

Her eyes were moist, I could feel it. I failed to understand her intense hatred for herself. In her mind, she was convinced that she had let herself down. What I thought didn't matter at all.

She was in agony, I knew. In great pain, she continued her confession.

Suhasini continued, "Every time I looked at your gift, I felt despondent and I tried to scrutinize my own actions. There was nothing much to analyze. Adi was younger, stronger and in love with me. To him, I was an object of desire. He could do anything for me, even the most preposterous things. On the other hand, I had myself switched you off by assimilating you in me. Your entity as a lover had ceased to exist long back. Adi ignited that passion in me that decimated all my control, all my resolutions and I was blown away by this tornado."

Trambak
Trambak
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