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Suzie folder in hand, Suzie taking it all in, Suzie taking a thousand photographs with one blink. There was Neil collapsing against the wall and before him, was ever so cutesy Pixie licking the tip of his ejaculating cock, her ridiculous breasts sprinkled with his cum.
Suzie looked at her and looked at him and then looked back at her.
Neil hid his face and tried not to think of anything but the incredible bliss that had just dissipated around him.
Pixie looked up at Suzie, arched her back, pushed out her tits, smiled and knew, just knew.... She'd be working Saturday.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 7 years agoI already know the spoiler.
Nice start. Can't wait to read more especially how Suze is going to react. Such a cliffhanger.
Mymantoy999over 7 years agowon't talk about the things (rather rudely I might add), already pointed out. This is your first ever story so you have something to build on. Looking forward to seeing how the story develops, especially between Suzie and Pixie.
Anonymousover 7 years agoLearning basic punctutation and grammar (the kind I learned by 5th grade) would go a long way. You need to use quotation marks around dialogue. I can't believe you need to be told that.
yukonnightsover 7 years agoI think this is an excellent first submission. The only comment is a small issue of editing, which I'm sure you have already noticed. The few instances of repeated words and such don't take away from the qualities of the story, they just distract the reader a bit. Overall, I think this is a solid story. You clearly painted the main character and her naivety. Also, enough information about the secondary characters to make them interesting and help the reader visualize what you saw as you sat writing. I really liked the way you took enough time to describe the setting, I could see the boring office as if I were there myself. This is all commendable, especially in a short story format.
The twist at the climax was well disguised, and the tension created left me wanting to know more about what Suzie will do with her discovery! Looking forward to the next chapter. Five stars, but only because I'm giving a pass on the editing this time ;)
