The Pledge Mistress Ch. 24

As for the Pledge Mistress, Ken suspicion she would want nightly rounds of sex turned out to be unfounded. Tracy was satisfied with her experience, but she had no desire to climax every night. Tracy figured she would use Ken one more time, perhaps during the weekend. Apart from that her attitude was to let her pledges have him.

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Ken had trouble getting to sleep, in spite of being horribly fatigued. His evening's experience did nothing to set his mind at ease, because his thoughts raced between two women, Lisa and Tracy, and his increasingly vague and confusing thoughts about Jason Schmidt.

Precisely because Jason was so completely out of reach, Ken wanted him more than ever. However, Tracy's blunt and stinging words continued to echo in his mind:

"I think you'd better forget about Jason Schmidt. You'd better forget you ever knew him. I can guarantee you won't be seeing him anytime soon, so how about moving on?"

How about moving on? Yes, he had to move on. He could either try to hold onto an increasingly distant fantasy, or he could move on. Those were his choices.

Was there anyone in the fraternity who might replace Jason in Ken's desires? Would it be possible for Ken to explore that side of himself with another guy? Ken thought about it and came up with a surprising answer, no. He had to confront a very strange truth, that at least at that point in his life, he was not really attracted to other men apart from Jason. Over the past couple of weeks he had been touched, bathed, and masturbated by other men, but had not found the experience to be nearly as pleasurable as he had anticipated. There was a practical exercise coming up the following week that would encourage the pledges to explore anal sex, but Ken realized he really was not looking forward to having to deal with entering another man or having another man enter him. As for kissing another guy, that was not something he really wanted to do, except for Jason.

Out of his confusion, Ken realized that his desire to explore intimacy with other guys was limited to Jason Schmidt. He badly wanted to hug Jason, massage Jason, kiss Jason, and seduce Jason. But Ken's lust for Jason did not extend to lust for other guys. Any desire he felt when looking at any other man's naked body was not really desire directed towards the guy he was looking at, but the fantasy of Jason morphed into his thoughts.

Ken's mental wanderings moved to the women who surrounded him at the moment. He dismissed Bernadette and Cherine, because they did not appeal to him in the least. However, much to his surprise, he found the Four-Beta Pledge Mistress very desirable. Her dominating personality and know-it-all attitude, coupled with her surprisingly submissive style of lovemaking, totally fascinated him. To Ken, Tracy was even more fascinating than Lisa, because of the contradiction between her behavior in public and her secret sexual tastes. Another part of Tracy that fascinated Ken was the seriousness of her personality. There was not a hint of playfulness in Tracy, not a hint of anything "extra" in her character. Her life consisted of her studies, her position in the sorority, physical fitness, and her military obligations.

Tracy's treatment of Ken fit her overall character and her disdain for "extras" in her life. The sexual encounter and the way it took place indicated that she did not have time to dedicate to a regular boyfriend. She had sexual cravings, but only satisfied them if she could do so without incurring any obligations to her partner. It was obvious that she wanted to spend time with Ken for one purpose, to satisfy a physical need. There was no hint of any relationship once that need was satisfied.

However, as unadorned as Tracy's own emotional life might be, she took a professional interest in trying to make people understand their own life circumstances and recognize self-defeating attitudes and their resulting behavior. Once she was finished satisfying herself with Ken, she wanted nothing more to do with him socially, but still took an interest in his confused sexual identity. She did not judge him for his treatment of Lisa and desire for Jason, but she did want to ensure he realized that Jason had no relevance in his life. She also wanted to make sure he began the process of understanding what was his sexual identity and how to make his desires a positive part of his existence instead of a negative one.

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As he lay awake, now irritated by the snoring of one of his group mates, Ken realized that his sexuality did not fall into any particular category. He certainly was not gay, because he felt attraction towards Lisa, and now Tracy. He was not really bi-sexual, because he did not feel a general attraction for other guys. His sexual craving for other men was limited to three people so far; his tennis teammate, Jason, and another classmate in high school who happened to look a lot like...Jason, and...also...his teammate.

Suddenly Ken realized he had made a connection between his love interests and now understood why his attraction to other guys was very limited. To trigger his desire, a guy had to have a very special combination of personality traits, appearance, and life circumstances. All three of the guys he liked were thin and athletic, had passive personalities, were uninhibited about exposing their bodies, and above all, "straight". All three of those guys had girlfriends at the time Ken became interested in them. In all three circumstances he fantasized about seducing his target and taking him away from his girlfriend. Ken now realized that if a guy did not have that combination of life circumstances, he would not be interested in him. The problem was that the fantasies were inherently self-defeating, because the guys he wanted were precisely the ones he knew he never could have. With Jason, Ken was pursuing the impossible, and that was precisely what made Jason so desirable. Ken wanted Jason because he knew that he couldn't have him.

As his thoughts dwelled on various girls he had liked (and dated), Ken realized that it also took a precise combination of characteristics to make him interested in a woman. She had to be very tall, athletic, studious, serious, and not silly or rowdy. Above all, she had to be intimidating. He had to fear her and respect her to be attracted. That explained a lot. For example, it explained why Ken felt no interest in Bernadette and Cherine, even though most men would find them very attractive. According to his tastes, they were too short. Apart from that, Bernadette's rowdy playfulness and Cherine's shyness were big turn-offs. Those two freshmen were not serious and intimidating like Lisa and Tracy. It also explained why Ken found Tracy somewhat more desirable than Lisa. Tracy matched Ken's ideal woman in her purest form, because her no-nonsense character was even more extreme than that of Lisa.

There was one significant difference between Ken's desires for potential male and female partners. His relationship with Lisa and his encounter with Tracy made him realize that his sexual taste in females could be satisfied. The combination of what he wanted in a male made the fantasy completely unattainable. It also explained why Ken failed to appreciate his relationship with Lisa as he dwelled on his fantasy with Ken. Lisa was part of his daily routine, while Jason was distant enough to allow Ken to idealize him.

Because he had enjoyed a sexual encounter with her, in one way Ken already had fulfilled part of his fantasy with the Four-Beta Pledge Mistress. However, she had asked him to make love to her precisely because she wanted sex, not any type of commitment. From the outset Ken understood that, as a partner, Tracy was every bit as unattainable as Jason. Still, image of her stern face, lovely body, and spanked bottom was burned into his mind and his fantasies. He fervently hoped that he could make love to Tracy at least one more time before his internment ended.

That was progress for him, because for the first time in several months Ken's thoughts were not focused on Jason Schmidt.