The Price I Paid

"He is like our people," said mother beaming with happiness. I was on the point of asking her if the narrow eyes of Bhutanese might not be appropriate for a royal baby of that country but I thought it prudent not to mention it.

2

What were my feelings when I think of those lovely weeks with Taruni aunt? For a few days after aunt left I glowed with pleasure. I did have vague misgivings working in my subconscious but I brushed them aside. I liked to think that I was the instrument through which God was acting. But early one morning at wake up time the truth struck me like lightning bolt. In essence what happened was clear enough. Aunt and I were in an incestuous and adulterous relationship that ended in pregnancy with the two of us heartlessly cheating an innocent man. The feeling was horrible. It affected me deeply. I was disgusted with myself and the very thought of sex was nauseating. I ceased fantasising and masturbating.

My exploits with my aunt had a beneficial side to it too. It changed my personality drastically. The diffidence and shyness that were once the hall marks of my character are now gone. A man who has had stormy sex with a married aunt is not going to have his tongue cleave to the roof of his month when dealing with mere classmates. I have no problem conversing with girls and I am now rather popular with them. But I have no desire to follow it up. I have become bold and out going and I would even say a forceful person. I often find myself chosen for leadership roles. But it has come at a price—I have little interest in women. My intense reaction to the fateful event of those few weeks has damaged that part of my brain that is the centre of sexual activity. The key event in sexual intercourse is erection of the penis. The brain has to initiate it. There is no other way. (Viagra can maintain erection once the process has started but not before.) Many things, some known and many unknown, can disturb this delicate arrangement. I am not complaining, nor am I seeking the help of psychotherapists. My punishment is neatly tailored to the heinous crime I committed. I have no problem paying the price.

What are my feelings towards aunt Taruni? She seduced me. That is not in doubt. She planned the seduction may be even before her plane landed for hugging men even young nephews is not the custom in Chennai culture and her hug was not perfunctory. Shortly after her return to Bhutan she would have to undergo therapeutic insemination whereby she would be bearing the baby of an unknown man. She was desperate to avoid it. This was her only escape route. She took it without reckoning the effect it would have on me. How could she even imagine that I would react the extreme way I did. My feeling towards the only woman I will ever know in my life remains unchanged. In my mind's eye her face is what I saw when we were tying that toy cradle to the branch of the Pipal tree. Angelic is the word that springs to mind. It was the face of a woman who suspected but did not know for certain that the baby for whom she yearned so much was growing inside her.

3

After graduation I moved as I have always wanted to the US where, thanks to absence of sexual distractions, I did extraordinarily well in studies. My professors tell me that my academic achievements and personality are the qualities that lead one to great heights in the corporate world of the US.

I hold Newton and Beethoven, both of whom never had desire for women as my models. I of course am not thinking of the heady heights they reached but I hope to do better than what would otherwise have been possible. And paradoxically if I achieve something in life the person I must thank would be no other than Taruni my aunt.