The Psychosis of Submission

At lunch Jenny asked what I was wearing. Asked what had gotten into me? Suggested we sit in the corner. As we walked by the other tables we passed Susan's.

"When I told you about the 75% off rack, I hoped you would find something pretty. Ask me next time and I'll help you find something a bit more...normal," Susan joked. "Besides a girl with your proportions...well, you really should try to keep those little bumps well padded."

My cheeks burned and so did Jenny's. Jenny muttered, "Fuck you Susan." I said nothing as we hurried past. I dared not utter anything.

"Positively tiny...mosquito bites...." I overheard them laughing as we walked away.

Sitting there in the corner, my shoulders curving, trying to protect my modest.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Jenny asked.

I could only shrug my shoulder.

Jenny didn't say another word to me.

My mind kept going over the things Susan had said. My God, she made such fun of me ... and she was the one who had picked my clothes out. She'd even said that I made her hot. Yet, today she was making fun of me.

And the worst thing...oh doctor...the worst thing....even then...there at the table...after all she had done, I was turned on. Thinking of her. Thinking of going down on her again. Thinking of eating out that hateful little bitch. Wearing the clothes she wanted me to wear. Wanting the girl I had seen the night before, the one who told me I made her hot. Who ran her fingers through my hair lovingly and called me her sweet bitch."

Later that day she gave me another note. It said: After school. McDonald's bathroom.

I waited there for her. Twenty minutes locked in that stall. Dreading ... hoping...wondering what was to come.

"Sorry," she said. "Cheerleading practice went over. But I've been thinking of you."

Oh God and she was so pretty, so perfect, wearing her little cheerleading outfit. And then she was peeling off her bottoms. Propping her shapely leg up on the seat of the toilet. "Hurry up. Lick my sweet pussy."

"Wait," I said. Her earlier betrayal burned in my gut. "Why did you say those things to me today?"

"Because I wanted to," she said. "Besides, I have a plan. Now stop stalling. I'm really turned on, but all this talk is turning me off faster than a cold shower. Now get to it."

"Here?" I asked. In a filthy bathroom. It was disgusting. I wouldn't. Especially not after what she'd said to me today.

"Well, we can always tell Jenny," she said, waving her control over me.

It was hard work that day. So hard to squat down in high heels. I wanted to kneel, but I dare not touch that filthy floor. But in the end, I was kneeling and squatting. God, I was even squatting on that dirty gritty floor. Susan made sure of that.

And I licked her. I licked her until she came. My knees aching. Finally I was done. However, I soon found she wasn't finished yet. Not by a long shot.

She reached into her gym bag and pulled out her bra.

"Did it embarrass you when I made fun of your cup size today?" she asked.

"Yes...." it came out as a whisper. My cheeks burned.

"I want you to wear mine tomorrow. And it better be filled out. I don't care how you do it."

"But...but...." I stammered. To go from my size. To hers. In a single day. People would surely notice. I would be ....mortified. Shamed.

She kissed me before I could protest. And then her hand went beneath my short skirt. In my panties. Thrusting into me. I wasn't just wet. I was willing. I moaned. My hips humped. My legs grew weak. So did my will.

"So you'll wear it for me?" she asked. "I'm turned on just thinking of it. Please...please...say you'll wear it. Show me how you look with normal sized breasts."

"No I can't....I - it isn't possible..." I stammered. And her finger rubbed, and teased.

God, that finger, how I wanted it. How I wanted it to take me over the edge of the abyss. And I said "Please..." and I said "Yes..." , but not to her...to that soft skilled finger.

I was breathless.

"So you'll do it," Susan said, taking it as my answer to her question. "Awesome."

And before I could say, "No..wait...", she withdrew her finger and kissed me one last time...

...and left me there. Spread against the metal divider.

She tasted her wet fingertip, then she held her digits to my mouth for me to clean. She smiled the whole time as I took her digit in my mouth and sucked it lovingly.

Then she told me to wait five minutes before leaving. Leaving me frustrated. On the brink. Feeling used. I sat down on the toilet and rubbed myself off. I came so so hard. God so hard.

The next day I wore a black sweater. I figured it would hide my increased bust size as well as anything. I thought it did at first. No one said anything. Not until I saw Susan and her cronies in the hall. Jenny walked next to me. Susan smiled wickedly. She reached at the bottom of my sweater. In her hand was a ball of tissue.

"I believe you dropped something," Susan said, handing me the tissue.

"Oh my God," one of the girls giggled. "Who is she trying to fool? My God and she's dropping tissue!"

I took the tissue and balled it into my hand. My cheeks were a blaze of crimson. My knees shook. My nipples ached. My sex was wet...so wet. And Jenny, she kept walking without me. I tried to catch up to her.

"Don't come around me anymore Karen," she said and quickly turned a corner. "I'm ashamed to be seen with you."

I went to the restroom. All alone. I cried. Then I masturbated. Twice. The rest of the day was mortifying. Word had gotten out. My desk was stuffed with tissues. People snickered. .Made small breast jokes. That afternoon, I met Susan in the restroom at McDonalds again. She made me take my sweater off. Made me give her the bra back. Made me hold my shoulders back. Show her my small breasts. Display them. Made me pinch my nipples. Made me tweak them and pull them until I began to gasp. To moan. My knees to grow weak."

"Show me what she made you do," Dr. Livingston said, interrupting my fantasy. "I think this will help you let go of these things you are holding onto."

I knew my embarrassment shown on my face. I knew I had already show Dr. Livingston everything I had. I had even climaxed in front of her. Put on a humiliating display. But, this ...I couldn't.

"Come dear," Dr. Livingston said. "You aren't eighteen anymore. We are two adult women. Go ahead, it's okay. "

I took off my sweater and folded it neatly on the arm of the sofa. Next I took off my pretty black bra. My special occasion bra. My nipples ached. Hard aching tight pebbles.

"Now show them off for me. Go on. Stand up and strut around. Imagine you are there with Susan."

"So tiny," Susan giggled. "But you gasp and moan each time you pinch them. I bet they are sensitive. I read in Cosmo that small girls were sensitive like that. Do it again for me. This time give them a nice pull and twist. They deserve a little extra punishment don't they...for causing you such embarrassment today. God, you are making me hot as a firecracker watching you. I'm creaming my panties."

I opened my eyes momentarily. Dr. Livingston's hungry eyes devoured me as I stood, shoulders back, tight nipples pulled hard between my cruel forefinger and thumb. I looked in those eyes and felt like I was drowning. God how I wanted her. I closed my eyes once before she knew how far I had fallen for her.

"Be sure you pinch them. Nice and hard," Dr. Livingston said. "If you gasped and moaned that day, you be sure to gasp and moan now. Now please continue."

I pinched and pulled them. I gasped and moaned. The pain, it hurt. Yet it was exquisite as well.

"I think perhaps you pinched a little harder that day," Dr. Livingston said. "Don't you think?"

I looked down at my abused nipples. They were red and beginning to bruise. I wasn't so sure that she was right, but I pinched them again for good measure. Twisting and turning them as I did so. Almost to the point where I couldn't stand up. I couldn't help but cry out.

"That's good," Dr. Livingston said. "A nice little lesson."

Then I strutted. I thrust my shoulders back and lifted my small breasts. I thought back to that day, that day with Susan...

"Such tiny breasts," Susan said. "You can wear my bra, but you can't fill it. Can you? No you can't. The girls all see how you react to everything I say. Tomorrow I want you to wear your smallest bra. Yes, that's right, you have one don't you. Something left over from last year or the year before? Maybe in the back of a drawer or stored in trunk? Tell me. Tell the truth."

"I-I have one." I stammered. God how shameful. I had one that was four years old.

"I want you to adjust your bra straps. I want those cups as high as possible. Okay?"

"I don't know if it will even fit."

Susan reached beneath my breast. Gave it a lift and appraised my small orb. "Oh it'll fit just fine. And be sure to wear that white angora sweater skirt you like so much with it. You know the one. Now get down and lick me. You've got me hot as hell. I've been dreaming of that sweet tongue all day long."

I squatted down in the dirty stall. She wriggled her panties down and held her skirt up for me.

"Let the feeling wash over you. Are you depressed? Do you feel disconnected?" Dr. Livingston asked.

"No...I feel hot.... I feel alive." More alive than I felt in years.

"I see. Please continue." Dr. Livingston said making a note.

"I licked her just like the day before. I licked her until she orgasmed. Clutching my hair and pulling me in tight to her sex. Almost smothering me. The whole time we were there...I didn't...I didn't even say anything about what she had done to me. How she had humiliated me in front of everyone. To this day I wear shirts with a high collar."

"I want you to try an exercise," Dr. Livingston said. She began to unbutton her blouse. Her bra soon followed. She had large full breasts capped by large dark nipples. She was beautiful. It took all my will not to beg to suck those large breasts. "I want you to wear this for the rest of the week. Go ahead and try it on now. I have some tissues beside you on the table."

Don't, my mind screamed. Don't do this. Things are going far too far. Now you are doing things outside the office.

"Let the feelings wash over you." Dr. Livingston said. "Let them was away your doubts."

I let them. My doubts. My fears. My shame. My insecurity. I put on her bra. It hung loose. I tightened it as far as it would go and tried again. It fit. Just. But not the cups. I filled them with tissue. At her urging, I put my blouse back on. God, how was I going to manage this? Could I? Did I dare?

"Our time is up for tonight." Dr. Livingston said. "I'll see you next week."

=================

"How did your week go?" Dr. Livingston asked.

"Not so good doctor. People looked at me...." My cheeks burned just thinking about it. "People noticed. I saw it in their eyes. And even those that didn't know me, they looked at me. Looked down at my chest. I walked around all week with my cheeks afire the whole time."

"Then why didn't you take it off if it was so horrible?" she asked.

It stopped me in my tracks. "Because you told me to do it!" I said a bit too loudly.

"And if I told you to jump off a bridge?" she asked. "What then?"

"I....I wouldn't."

"Then why did you do this?" she asked. "It's clearly an unreasonable request."

"I...I don't know." I said, but inside I knew the answer. Because I wanted to. Because I had failed Dr. Livingston's test. I was a failure. Worse, now I had to take responsibility for my week long humiliation.

"Why don't you take it off now," Dr. Livingston said. "Since it shames you so much."

I reached beneath my black blouse and gladly unhooked my bra. Then I thought the better of it. Was this also a test? Was I supposed to take it off or keep it on? I looked at Dr. Livingston for guidance, but she had the same disinterested look in her eye that she always seemed to have. What did I want to do? I wanted it off, it was hot and uncomfortable. I also took off my jacket that I had been hiding them behind.

"The blouse too," Dr. Livingston said. "I bet they would appreciate a bit of air."

There wasn't a point to doing so. She didn't say it was a part of my treatment. I knew this must be another test. I should say no. And yet, and yet after looking her in her steel gray eyes, my fingers fumbled with my buttons...I couldn't say no.

"Go ahead and get comfortable," Dr. Livingston suggested, thankfully not telling me I had failed yet another test. "Get those legs back on the arm rests. You know ... your usual position. Remember those feelings. Let them be a part of you. Now where were we? Oh yes, your friend Susan asked that you wear a small bra to school. Which really is not so bad, I have at times..."

But the doctor didn't understand. She was well-busted. I on the other hand wasn't. A tight bra on her, would give her cleavage.

On me? A bra I had worn three years prior. From when I was in the eighth grade. From before my growth spurt. The cups? God, the cups fit..even if it was a tight fit. However the straps cut into me. Digging into sensitive flesh. I put on the sweater she had asked for too. It fit my slight form like a glove. Hugging me. I looked in the mirror. No cleavage. No, my breasts looked small. Tiny.

Like little mounds atop my small chest. So high atop my chest.

What was I thinking? Why was I keeping the charade up? I mean, Jenny didn't want to hang out with me anymore. There was no point to it. But I couldn't fathom what would happen if word got out about what I did. And somehow, I couldn't seem to stop this game I had begun to play.

Jenny was the first to say something.

"What are you doing? I may not have noticed before, but after yesterday, it so obvious...I mean...you are small. And after your stunt yesterday stuffing your bra, everyone is going to notice you even more so now. Just...I don't know, put something in there so it isn't so drastic. My God, everyone is going to see you. Laugh at you. Especially Susan. Why are you letting her get to you like this? Fuck her. It doesn't matter what she thinks. You don't need her approval. Just make an excuse and go home. God, I don't even want people knowing that we once hung out together."

My cheeks burned. "I don't know what you are talking about Jenny. I wear this sweater every week."

"You know damned well what I mean. Don't ever think of hanging out with me." And Jenny stormed off.

Susan and her cronies waited by the door. I was alone. So very alone.

"Look at her. My God, now she's flat as a board." And this wasn't even being said by Susan who remained to the side and surprisingly quiet.

"Shit, Susan," another said. "You tell her her clothes are out of style and she buys new clothes. You tell her she's flat and she comes in with a D-cup. You tell her not to stuff her bra and she comes in flat as a board."

"Tell her to come to school naked." Someone whispered.

I swallowed. My knees growing weak. My mind racing with fantasies of coming to school nude. Helpless. People pointing. Laughing. And my God the fear was so intense because I wondered if Susan said, yes, come to school naked.

...that maybe I would.

"I know," Susan said. "It's almost so easy it isn't even fun anymore."

She came close to me. Her hand reached out and touched my hair. Twirling it around her finger. It was all I could do not to rest my face against her hand. To kiss it.

"Your hair looks like a shit stain," Susan said. "But...you know what would look pretty? I bet you would look good in red."

Then she turned and walked away. Her cronies soon followed laughing and giggling. "Do you think she will do it? Oh God I bet she will. Five bucks. You are on." I heard them giggle.

That day I earned a new nickname at school. They called my flatty. Flatty pancakes. I didn't cry. I tried. Oh how I tried. But I just felt hot. Tingly. I masturbated twice. After 5th period, I noticed a note had been placed in my locker. Meet me at Rite-Aid at 4:30. XOXOX Susan.

I knew I shouldn't. She couldn't even blackmail me anymore. Jenny wasn't even speaking to me. Yet, I parked my car beside hers. She told me to meet her inside in 3 minutes.

Susan was waiting in the hair aisle. A box of hair dye in her hand. She held the box to my head. "Oh this will be perfect," she said and handed it to me. She wasn't quite finished. She also picked out new lipstick, eye shadow, and blush for me. A bottle of KY jelly, a bottle of Nair, a pack of peppermint altoids, and a pack of condoms, xtra large.

"Walk around for five minutes, pay for these and then leave. Pull your car around behind the shopping center."

Five minutes. Five long minutes to walk around the store. Five minutes of heart pounding fear. The hair dye was nothing. But going to that checkout with that older woman. Watching her look at the condoms , the jelly, the Nair for BinkiniBikini kit. God, I could feel her judging me. Incriminating me. Worse, Susan had scratched off the price labels.

"Price check on aisle 5. Trojan magnum 3 pack and KY!" the old bitch said over the speaker system.

God, I could feel the eyes on me. I should have been mortified, and I was, but I was also hot. So hot. I paid and drove to the back of the store. I climbed into Susan's car. She scooted her seat back.

"Eat a mint first," she urged.

I did and quickly knelt down in the floor board and ate her pussy until she came. She liked the sensation of the mint and urged me to have another and to blow my warm breath over her well used sex. The windows of her Honda fogged up from our exertions.

"Let's get this uncomfortable bra off of you....and those panties too." Susan said.

And then she stripped me there in her car. Fondling me. Teasing me. Making me moan. Making me melt. She took me to the edge and back again. She smiled knowingly, each time I neared climax... only to stop and start back gain, until I lost all control.

Then she stopped and smiled wickedly.

"Are you horny?" she asked. My sweater was pulled all the way up to my breasts and she held a hardened swollen bud between her fingers of each hand. Teasing me. Taunting me. And occasionally tormenting me.

"Yes..." I whispered.

"Do you want to cum?" she asked.

I nodded shyly.

"Are you sure?" she teased. "It doesn't sound like it."

"I ...I want to cum..." I stammered, it coming out as a moan as she chose that moment to twist my nipples and pull at the same time.

"Then get out and go to the grocery. Pick out something from the produce aisle. And I'll fuck you with it," Susan said. Then she removed the pack of condoms from the bag and took one out. "Whatever you pick better fit in here. If it's too small...no fucky."

"Okay.." I breathed as my cheeks burned with humiliation, yet my loins danced with the fire of lust. I wiped her spent juices from my face, and reached for my discarded bra and panties.

"No." Susan said, pulling them out of my reach.

Reluctantly, I pulled my sweater down to cover my slim body and grabbed my purse. Even with no undergarments, I'd brave the store. God, I was so hungry for it I'd do most anything.

"No," Susan said, taking my purse from my grip. "That stays here too."

"But I need to pay..."

"Shhh..." Susan's finger silenced my lips. She pushed it in and I sucked on it. She teased my nipples with her other hand. "Excuses turn me off. You don't want to turn me off do you?"

I shook my head, my pulse racing like a team of terrified horses.

"I thought you were a smart girl. You are a smart girl aren't you?"

I nodded. Terrified at where this was going.

"Go."

I got out of the car. My legs felt like rubber. My bravery was as wobbly as my feet.

And in the car, Susan's hand was busy at her sex. She mouthed words to me. Hurry. I'm. Gonna. Fuck. You.