The Quiet Friend Pt. 01

"Why?"

"Just. I don't know. It was one explanation I could think of. You haven't seemed yourself. You're quiet. When I see you, you look like you're thinking about something a lot. You're spending your time elsewhere. One of the few things I could think of was that you had a girlfriend you weren't telling us about. Or, that you were thinking about a girl. I don't know. I know it's stupid."

She noticed Rowan's expression, however, and saw that perhaps she wasn't so far from the truth. Rowan looked a little alarmed and focused on a plant nearby. She couldn't know at that moment he was thinking of her and how much he needed to leave before his thoughts came crashing out.

"Rowan, am I right? I am, aren't I?"

He didn't even think of lying. "Not quite. I mean, I don't have a girlfriend."

"But you are interested in someone?" She asked quietly.

"It doesn't matter anyway."

"Why not?"

"There's no chance with her."

"What do you mean?"

"She's with someone else."

"Oh."

The temptation was so great to just tell her. Rowan kept his eyes on the plant. He didn't want to look at her long hair, the piercing blue eyes that always felt so penetrative to him and her beautiful body in that t-shirt with the neckline running across her clavicle. It always reminded him of the time he had seen her dance at Greg's birthday party.

"I think there's always a chance, Rowan. I mean it's not like she's engaged or married or anything. Is she?"

Rowan shook his head. "No. Just got a boyfriend."

"This is what's been bothering you all this time, Rowan?"

He looked at her briefly and shrugged. "I guess so."

"You must really like her then." There was something in her voice which made him look at her again. He couldn't quite read the look on her face.

He nodded. "She is pretty amazing."

"Tell me about her?"

"Not much to say. She's just..." He wanted to say she was perfect. But he said, "Just unavailable, that's all. I'll get over it."

"Have you told her how you feel?"

"What? No! How can I?"

"Simple. You tell her that you like her."

"It's not that simple."

"Not if you make it complicated."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Then explain it to me."

"She's got a boyfriend."

"So? Look. You can't just hide away like this. It's obvious you're into this girl. How else are you going to move on if you don't tell her; if you don't find out how she might feel or whatever?"

"She's got a boyfriend," Rowan repeated, as if that said it all.

"It might not be a good relationship. You never know. Right? Sometimes you have to think about yourself. And what you want or need."

"I'm not a selfish person."

"But you're too selfless."

Rowan rolled his eyes.

"I'm being serious here," Sarah said. "I love that you think about other people before yourself, but there's a limit. You're never going to be completely happy if you don't think about what you want once in a while and how to get it."

"I understand what you're saying but... it just doesn't work like that for me. I just think I'd rather be myself."

"Even if it makes you unhappy?"

"I'm not unhappy. I just don't have something I want. The want will go away. I'm not going to go around upsetting people for something like that." He was keeping his face and body language calm, trying not to show the nerves underneath.

Sarah shrugged. "Maybe you should for once. Get something you want. When was the last time that happened?"

"This conversation is pointless."

Sarah relented. "Yeah. Maybe it is. I just think... I just want you to be happy. I want you to be able to get out there and grab it. Just let go for one day and get out there and grab it."

That was more than enough. Rowan had to leave now, before he did something stupid. Standing up, he drained the rest of his glass. "I have to get back to work. I'm already running late. I was supposed to be back five minutes ago." It changed the atmosphere.

For a moment, Sarah thought she had upset him greatly. "But--"

"Sarah, I'm sorry. I really do have to go."

"... Okay. I'm sorry if I said something I shouldn't have." She looked hurt.

It weakened his resolve a little. He suddenly wanted to sit and speak to her some more. Instead, he shook his head with conviction. "Don't be silly. You've said nothing wrong. It's just a pointless conversation. I'll get over her. I have to."

"Will you talk to me about it the next time we see each other?"

"Yeah, maybe," He mumbled. "I have to go now. I promise I'll make the effort to see you soon, okay?"

"Okay."

There was one moment of quiet before Rowan simply gave himself permission to say goodbye in the way he wanted to. He moved forward and kissed her forehead, feeling the urge to move down and kiss her lips. Moving away he saw the smile on her face and the change in her mood.

"See you later, Sarah." And with that, he left through the nearest door.

Sarah watched him through the window until he disappeared from view, wondering who exactly he was interested in that could have made him so withdrawn.

... ... ... ... ...

Rowan was true to his word. He may have stayed quieter than usual, but he did turn up to gatherings over the next few weeks. Sarah was glad to see him there, though a part of her wondered continually how comfortable he was when he was with them. There was definitely a reluctance in him that was not there before and she wasn't the only person who realised.

One afternoon, they were all gathered at Katarina's parents' house for a late lunch. Katarina and her boyfriend, Gil, were cooking while everyone sat outside and in the kitchen. Her parents had gone away for a week and she was house sitting, something which set her a little on edge as she didn't quite like her family home.

Sarah and Katarina sat in the kitchen, along with Gil who was busy slicing up vegetables for a roast dinner. Tina, a slender girl and an old friend of Katarina, stood cutting up potatoes and generally ignoring everyone else in the room with a look of intense concentration on her face. Katarina watched her carefully, worried she was going to cut herself.

She stared so intently, it didn't go unnoticed by Gil, who looked at her grinning and said, "I might start taking that as an unhealthy interest in Tina."

"Unhealthy? Katarina asked with a raised eyebrow.

Gil shrugged. "That was probably the wrong word to use."

"I'm not going to cut myself!" Tina exclaimed suddenly, glancing at Katarina.

"You cut yourself last time," Katarina said.

"Leave her alone, Kat," Gil sighed.

Katarina scowled at him and looked at Sarah. Sarah was looking out of the window at the table in the back garden where the rest of the people sat. Greg was talking animatedly while the others laughed. All except Rowan, who merely smiled sometimes.

"Oi, Sarah. What's up?" Katarina asked.

"Hmm? Oh. Nothing. How long is the food going to take?"

"Hungry?"

"Kat, you told us all to eat nothing all morning. I'm starving."

"Another half hour or so. Not long. I promise."

"Half an hour!?" Gil exclaimed suddenly. "That's forever!"

"Don't be silly, Gil," Katarina said in a calm voice. "Forever is when I withhold sex from you for saying stupid things."

Tina burst into giggles amidst Sarah's smile and Gil's eyes rolling, but then suddenly squeaked loudly. Katarina stood up straight away.

"Tina?"

"I cut my finger."

"Oh, for fuck's--"

"Tina, let me have a look," Sarah got up and walked over to her. She looked at the finger and shook her head. "It's okay. It's a small cut. Just run it under cold water and we'll put a plaster on it."

Tina shrugged, glancing at Katarina while she walked to the sink. "I'm blaming this one on you, Kat."

Katarina flipped her middle finger at Tina, but smiled. A few minutes later, the food was nearly done and all of them except Katarina walked outside to join the others at the table. Sarah sat herself down between Greg and Rowan and began joining in with the conversation while occasionally trying to draw Rowan into it. He was reluctant and said very little, though he was polite as ever and looked more or less fine. Eventually she lessened her attempts to engage him and didn't notice he had slipped away to go to the kitchen until he was already at the door.

"Sarah, where'd Rowan go?" Greg asked her suddenly.

"Oh. Into the kitchen, I guess."

"You guess? I thought you were talking to him."

"Not really."

Greg shrugged and said to the friend across the table, "He's gone in."

The friend waved a hand dismissively and carried on talking about something else. Greg nodded a few times and Sarah completely lost interest in the conversation. She tapped on Greg's shoulder.

"I'm gonna go see what's happening with the food."

Greg nodded without much enthusiasm or attention and Sarah left the table, wondering if it was even worth the effort to have told him. She walked in through the door and toward the kitchen but stopped dead when she heard Katarina's voice.

"Rowan, are you sure you're okay? You don't seem like you're holding up very well."

Sarah moved to the side, slowly and silently, feeling a pang of guilt for eavesdropping but too curious to let the opportunity to learn something pass.

Rowan didn't answer. Sarah moved closer to the door. She stopped again when Katarina spoke, sounding quieter this time.

"Oh, Rowan. It's really bothering you, isn't it?"

"Nah. It's just. You know. I don't know."

"You feel a lot more strongly about her than I realised."

"... To be honest, more than I realised, even."

Sarah inched ever closer and stopped. She kept her breathing as quiet and as calm as she could, her heart beating a little faster. They were speaking of the girl he'd mentioned and for some reason it was bothering her to hear of it, perhaps because he hadn't said anything to her. Or was it something else? Sarah tried to dismiss her thoughts and concentrate on their conversation.

"What are you going to do?" Katarina asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, are you going to tell her or what? Or just carry on like this?"

Tell who? Sarah felt slightly frustrated all of a sudden. Silently she urged one of them to mention a name, or anything that would give a clue to who this girl was. It seemed important for some reason...

She got her wish.

And she had no idea whether it was something she wanted to hear.

"Don't be ridiculous, Katarina. I can't just go up to Sarah and tell her I'm crazy about her, can I?"

Sarah stopped breathing. She couldn't possibly have heard that. Yet already, her thoughts were rushing and she was losing focus on their conversation, instead entering into a world of memories in her head; memories of her and Rowan. Interactions they'd had, his evasion of her, all sorts of things. So many that it made it hard for her to focus on any one thing.

They were still talking. Sarah took a deep breath and tried to calm herself. She didn't know why it seemed to affect her so much knowing he had feelings for her, other than it was so unexpected.

"... a choice, Rowan?" Sarah heard Katarina saying.

"What choice?"

"The one between letting this go on in your head, or just telling her how you feel and moving on from it. This is stupid. You remember what happened the last time you felt like this about someone."

"Please don't bring that up."

"I'm not. I'm just... I'm just saying, I don't think you should stay quiet this time. Three years, Rowan. You didn't say anything to me for three years. And I felt the same way about you at one point. I don't want that to happen to you again."

Sarah heard Rowan sigh, her mind buzzing with Katarina's words. Did it mean Rowan once felt something for Katarina? When they were younger?

"That was different, Kat."

"How?"

"It just was."

"Yeah. How?"

Rowan's voice now had a touch of irritation to it. "Because you were single and I didn't feel nearly as strongly about you as I do about her. But the fact remains. She's with Greg. Off limits. My feelings are not important. At all. So just leave it. Please."

Not important? Sarah almost wanted to hit him. But she stayed frozen to the spot wondering what she wanted to do. Part of her was ready to walk in there and tell him she'd heard everything and the rest of her wanted to spare him. There was such a strange, almost plaintive quality to his voice that it kept her frozen from action.

"Fine. I won't say anything," Katarina said eventually. "Not that I ever would. If you're intent on torturing yourself, who am I to stop you?"

There was a pause. Then Rowan said, "Thank you."

Sarah made a split second decision. She walked back to the door leading to the garden quietly and then turned around, making plenty of noise before she walked to the kitchen. She entered, seeing Rowan leaning against the table exchanging a quick glance with Katarina before he looked at her and smiled briefly. Sarah smiled back, but it felt forced. Nothing on his face showed that he had been talking about anything remotely interesting or momentous. She wondered if that meant he truly believed his feelings were not important.

There was a passing moment of resentment towards him. How could he not talk about this? But then, she thought to herself, how could he? He was right. She was with Greg. There had been no indication on her part that she returned any feelings. Why would he ever jeopardise anything? And all this time, she'd been wondering why he was reticent and evasive. It was all because of her.

She tried to speak in an off-hand tone of voice. "Hey. I came in to check on the food, Kat. Nearly done?"

Katarina nodded. "Done, actually. You two want to help me take the food out?"

They both nodded, moving forward, almost into each other.

"Sorry," Sarah said in a faltering voice.

"Sarah? Are you okay?" Rowan asked, leaning toward her.

She nodded a little too quickly. She had no idea how she was. "Yeah. Fine. Fine."

Rowan and Katarina exchanged a quick glance but left it.

"You can take out the burgers, Sarah. And you take the vegetables," Katarina said, looking at Rowan. "Sarah, come back for the roast chicken after, will you? I'll bring the potatoes out with you then."

Sarah nodded, taking the burgers and the bread and walking out to the table followed by Rowan. Neither of them said anything. At the table, there were plates already laid out and all the friends cheered as they saw the approaching food.

"Finally!" Gil said as Sarah set the burgers on the table.

She rolled her eyes at him and looked at Greg, to remind him to dish her out two burgers while she went to get the roast chicken. She stopped herself when she looked down to see Rowan pushing a plate in front of her seat. It had two burgers on it and bread. She looked at him. He briefly met her eyes and looked away toward the door.

"I'll go get the rest of the stuff. You should sit down. It's fine," Rowan said, already making his way to the kitchen.

Sarah simply nodded. She watched him walk, almost in a trance, until he disappeared from view. When she turned to look at Greg, things suddenly felt very, very wrong.

... ... ... ... ...

She needed confirmation. It was a source of utter annoyance that somewhere in her head she wanted to hear him say it. She wanted him to admit to her how he felt about her and there was no way he would do it. She would have to approach him. It was a stupid idea. It was pointless. And yet, it had to be done.

She could not let go of it.

It was two weeks after the lunch and they were all heading into a nightclub in honour of Katarina's birthday. Sarah walked behind Rowan and Ashley. Ashley was her friend and she had invited her along as a date for Rowan. So far they seemed to be talking quite easily with one another and Sarah could feel herself growing uncomfortable about it with each passing moment. For the first time ever, she was feeling quite negative about Ashley. But it was her own fault for inviting her along.

Rowan and Ashley walked further on, on the edge of the dance-floor, near the corner of the bar while Katarina stopped with Gil just in front of the main counter where a barmaid stood, waiting for orders. Sarah stopped with them, still eyeing Ashley and Rowan.

"Sarah? Sarah!"

Sarah looked at Katarina.

"I'm asking if you want a drink?" Katarina said pointedly.

"Oh. Sure. Sorry. A white wine."

"Got it."

"I'll get these."

"No, don't worry about it. Get the next round. I'm getting these first."

Sarah nodded, not wanting to argue about it.

Gil caught her eye. "When did Greg say he was coming?"

"Oh. Not for at least another hour yet," Sarah told him.

"Work?"

"I think so. Something about seeing someone. Said he'd make his way over here after."

"That remains to be seen," Katarina said, handing her the white wine. Gil went to the counter to pick up his drink.

"He'll be here," Sarah assured her.

"Oh, I know. The question is when. But who cares? I've got you and Gil and Rowan here. That's more than enough on its own," Katarina said happily, downing her shot of whiskey.

Sarah smiled and moved to hug Katarina. When she let go, she looked at Rowan again. Ashley was actually touching his arm. Sarah frowned.

"They're getting along well," Katarina said.

"Yeah."

"She's a work friend?"

"No. School."

"Kat, I'm just going to go check out the arcade machines in the back," Gil was right beside them again.

"Okay, baby, have fun! Don't spend too much there. Please."

"How much is too much?"

"I don't know. About a quid?"

"It's R-Type! You know how hard that is! Gonna take me at least five quid to get to the third level," Gil protested.

"Whatever, Gil. Just come back soon. I expect my boyfriend to be hanging out with his girl on her birthday. Very soon."

He grinned, kissing her briefly on the lips and walking off.

"He only ever spends five quid to get to the third level, because he's so rubbish at it," Kat said, shaking her head. "Only takes me one life to get there."

"I didn't know you played video games," Sarah said.

"Only R-Type. It's only four levels, you know? It's notorious for being hard."

But Sarah was already not quite hearing anything Katarina was saying.

"Is something wrong with Ashley or something?" Katarina asked all of a sudden.

"What? Why would you ask that?"

"You keep looking at her."

"Oh. No. I was just thinking."

"What?"

"Well. Whether it was a good idea to introduce them to each other."

"But, they seem to be getting along quite well."

"Yeah..."

"So what's the problem?"

Sarah shrugged. "I dunno. Nothing, I suppose."

"Are you sure?" Katarina asked with narrowed eyes.

Sarah had a moment of panic. It was as if Katarina was asking something more than just for certainty. Sarah briefly wondered if Katarina had suspicions about having been overheard on the day of the lunch. She nodded in answer to her question, opting for the belief that Katarina couldn't possibly suspect anything like that.

"I just want it to work out between them, that's all," Sarah said, realising she wasn't quite being truthful.

She felt bad knowing she wanted it to not work between Rowan and Ashley. Ashley was probably not good enough, but even as she thought this, she was beginning to realise it wasn't entirely true. It wasn't anything to do with Ashley really. Feeling more confused than ever, not wanting to think about it, Sarah turned toward the bar and walked to it, leaning her body against it at an angle.

Katarina leaned against the bar next to her. "There's always an element of risk entering into a relationship. Besides it's not even certain that they're going to try dating after this."

"That's true."

"I hope it works out, though. He deserves that."

"Yes."

"It's all good, Sarah."

Sarah said nothing. She was watching them again and in her head, those thoughts came back. The urge to know; the need to hear him say it. So an hour or so later, after a bit of dancing and more drinking, she pulled him to the side of the bar.