The Real Slim Shady

She paused and I could just see that bottom lip being bit. "That's because he's not the Penn I was fucking on the tape. Draw you a picture, sweetie?" She hung up.

My good eye stared from behind the Wendy's cup. "So, what she say?" Dre asked.

"She said we had to go back to see Mrs. Penn."

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"Ok, you chat her up about Chonic Lazy Shits and I'm gonna search the house. Where would you hide a tape if you didn't want your husband to find it?"

"In your Massengill drawer, bro."

"Eat me. Be serious. It's probably not even in the house."

It was, in the Massengill drawer. Right behind the Tampex Ultra-Grippy. Just a VHS tape labeled "Penn." That had to be it. I slipped it in my shirt and looked out the window to see Dre rubbing "Dog Pound" on the lady of the house. All the time probably talking suave about energy levels and trigger points. And she was eatin' it up. I left him to try his thing. I'd cut him in later, if he wasn't killed by Sir Schizophrenia.

I got back to the office and had my secretary notify the client. Seemed more professional that way. Then I kicked my Air Jordans off and plopped my feet back on my desk. I had to get comfortable for the ride of my life. I spent almost an hour trying to decide if I should lose the boxers so she could get to my kibbles easier. I decided to make her work for them.

The Maltese Falcon outfit was gone this time. She danced in and hit the shades again, this time dressed in jeans and a cowboy hat. She went straight for the whiskey and then sat her fine ass up on my desk.

"Damn, Sean didn't like your haircut much, did he? You got the package?"

"Oh I have a package. You wanna unwrap it and examine it now?"

"I'll trust you." She bent over and lifted the wrapped box on the other side of my desk. I'm sure it was an oversight her titty rubbing across my mc hammer like that. She straightened up and gave the box a little shake. I smiled back. I'll give that box a little shake.

"You could have told me who was in the video. Woulda saved me a hassle or two."

"I wasn't sure who had it. Not completely. Never reveal a tit when a leg will do."

I thought about the tape a minute. "So you taped her negotiating with you about the first tape? Did you really destroy the tape of you and Spicoli?"

"Yep. It didn't do me any good after he agreed to help me get my movie. But he's fuckin' nuts. Can't keep shooting at a grenade before it goes off. She's the cool head."

"So it was the second tape that's so valuable to her? You fucked her...?"

"...in the limo. Can't trust a limo driver unless you're paying him."

I smiled. "And she's gonna do anything to keep that tape from him, isn't she?"

"You're quite a dick."

"You have no idea." Damn, she said dick so nice. Rolled off the tongue.

She pulled a wad from her jacket and tossed the roll on my lap. "It's all there. Five, like you asked. And my undying love, handsome." She sprang off the desk and strolled towards the door.

"Hey, that's only half the deal, Desperately Seeking. I am going to enjoy getting borderline on yo' ass whenever and wherever."

She turned and covered her mouth in mock ignominy. That's another word I learned from Dre. "What ever do you mean, sugar? You wanted to get fucked?"

"I believe I earned it."

"Then tag, you're it. You just got fucked. And it was good for me too, honey." She waltzed out and left me there, wad sitting on my pants.

I picked up the money. Damn that was a lot of cash. Makes you kinda greedy when you get a little taste of the good stuff. Leaves you wanting more. Good thing I made another copy of that tape.