The Relationship Tester

I was always flirty my whole life, even before my first sexual experience on my 18th birthday. I honestly don't believe that I was a cock tease, however, but I had mastered the arts of eyelash batting, strut, hair flip, red lipstick application, and coy smile. I also never swore, never belittled anyone else whether behind their back or to their face, and was always clean and well-groomed - never slutty. It must have worked because I had all the dates that I wanted -- and many more that I politely turned down -- from my senior year in High School through and after college.

While I was -- no brag -- attractive, I was not academic. I wanted to be an actress, but never got the lead in any college play, and with my grades close to getting me bounced out of school my advisor said "Amy, you really need to give drama up. It's such a long shot to ever make it in Hollywood that it's not worth flunking out for."

Even though I gave up drama and other extracurricular activities -- besides dating -- I barely made it through college. However I did end up with a combined BA in psychology and sociology, an unusual offering at my school. I wasn't happy in the social science research job that I got right out of college but through serendipity found one that I thought really would be fun and would play to my strengths and be a surrogate for my non-existent drama career. I became a "relationship tester," or "operative."

"What's a relationship tester?" is a common question. It was something that I had never heard of myself before I was introduced to it by one of my girlfriends when I was twenty three.

A relationship tester tests the inclination of potential and actual boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, and husbands to cheat on their significant others by putting them in close, potentially compromising, contact with a member of the opposite sex with looks and intelligence comparable to their own. A relationship tester is usually hired by the significant other of the "mark" to be tested, and provides a report on the trustworthiness of the mark to the client after a night -- or sometimes two -- in close proximity with the mark in a social setting.

I interviewed with the owner of Deception, Inc., a guy by the name of Swanson Gathers, about a part-time position as a relationship tester. Swanson is an excitable, mid-40s, overweight, plain-looking guy with a quick wit trying to make it in an unusual business after moderate success owning a night club and other businesses. At my interview I impressed him enough for him to give me a "screen test."

In the "screen test," observed by Swanson, on the street I approached a good-looking guy wearing a wedding ring and started talking to him about some made-up issue -- I needed directions and advice about the city. The guy ended up fawning over me even though I was not being overly provocative, and actually asked me out. I politely declined, returned to Deception's offices, and Swanson offered me the job.

Swanson and Denise -- one of the experienced female testers working for Deception, Inc. -- explained the procedures to me. I would only target guys with looks and intelligence comparable to mine otherwise testing would not be fair (would a Gal Gadot look-alike approaching a five two, two hundred ninety pound guy with acne and a receding hairline be an honest test?). I would not have more than one drink when with the mark, and would never, ever, do drugs. Those rules were essential, but the number one rule, beyond essential, was NEVER to have sex of any kind with a mark; you do, you get fired (and could be liable to the client for civil damages).

"Do you have guy operatives too to test girlfriends and wives?" I asked.

"Sure," Denise replied as Swanson shook his head in agreement, "although not as many. Either there are fewer potentially cheating females, or guys are more clueless about stuff like that."

I needed to learn to surreptitiously operate the video and audio recording equipment that I was required to use for each encounter, I was told that I couldn't be overtly sexual in my approach; and my pay (and fashion allowance) for each job would be the same regardless of whether the guy ultimately came on to me or not.

I went on my first assignment, with Denise as backup, only a few days after being hired. The mark (James) was the fiancé of Lizzy, a rich bitch socialite who was getting cold feet about the upcoming nuptials because she thought that he might have a wandering eye. I was told what bar/dance club he would likely be at on a Friday night, given a couple of photos of him and information on his background, and went to work after running through operation of the recording equipment one more time.

It wasn't quite as easy as I thought it would be because I was used to having guys finding and coming-on to me. While I wouldn't actually be "coming-on" to James, I would definitely need to get him to notice me. I was apprehensive and stiff at first; however, once I relaxed a little my acting training kicked in. While I didn't make it in drama on the stage, if my first night was any indication I would make it in real life drama, because the entire scenario went well. Even though I did as told and was not overly provocative, James swooned over me. After only two hours he was blatantly begging me for sex. Excusing myself to go to the washroom, Denise and I exited the rear of the establishment and the next day I filed my report.

Swanson was pleased -- not because James turned out to be a cheater, but because when he reviewed the video and audio he was very impressed that I had followed all of the rules, was charming, and that my report was sweet and to the point. The normal situation is that the tester doesn't meet with the client -- only Swanson does -- unless the client specifically requests a meeting. In this case Lizzy asked for a meeting -- I think it was to size me up in person because although James was well documented on the video, I wasn't as easily seen.

After my meeting with Lizzy and Swanson I got the clear impression that James was history. Even though Lizzy was bitchy, she did genuinely thank me for -- as she put it -- "allowing me to dodge a bullet."

With my exciting new part time employment to look forward to, a forty hour a week social science research job suddenly wasn't as tedious as it had been.

***************

Working for Deception, Inc. was worthwhile for me in another way. I met my husband "on the job." That occurred in a unique manner.

Bryce Hubbard was engaged to Merilee Wallace. Merilee's father, Chester, was one of the wealthiest men in our metropolitan area. In this unusual situation, Chester was the client -- not Merilee -- and at the time I met him I doubted that he would ever let Merilee know that he had hired Deception, Inc. to check up on Bryce.

Making this situation even more unusual, Chester Wallace insisted on meeting with Bryce's relationship-testing operative before the test. That was how I found myself in the Deception, Inc. conference room on a Tuesday night with Swanson and Chester. I was told to wear what I would on the test night, so I put on a yellow print sundress, lavender three inch high heels, small golden earrings, and a shell necklace.

Chester Wallace is a very distinguished looking man with an air about him indicating that he is used to getting his way and having people ask "How high?" when he says "Jump!" From his twice-over glance of me, and his unnecessarily long and firm handshake, I knew that I would be getting some real world use of the skills I hopefully had developed during practice scenarios that played out in my "Negotiating Psychology 301" course my senior year in college, taught by hard-ass Professor Bernice Simpson.

After only a modicum of pleasantries Chester -- with a look between self-satisfied and a sneer on his face -- asked "So Amy, do you act like a slut or whore during your testing, and do you often fuck your target?"

I smiled at him while Swanson got a horrified look on his face. Then I turned to Swanson and politely said "Swanson, please leave Mr. Wallace and me alone."

"You can call me 'Chester.' Amy-dear," Mr. Wallace chided.

Swanson was sputtering so I turned to him and again said "Swanson -- leave Mr. Wallace and me alone -- that means get out right now."

Swanson sputtered some more, then said "Excuse me" to Wallace and left.

The door had barely clicked shut when in a soft voice, with a smile on my face, I said "Mr. Wallace I know that you're used to being a BFD and having people cater to your every whim and ignore your insults. I, however, am an independent contractor and not one of your lackeys and I really don't care what a BFD you think that you are, you'll treat me with respect. Is that clear enough even for your normally closed and simple mind to understand?"

His sneer turned into a frown and he huffed "You can't talk to me like that, I'm the client."

Maintaining my sweet disposition I continued "Oh, but I just did. Now are you going to huff out of here and demand that Swanson fire me and make sure -- what's the cliché -- that 'I'll never work in this town again' -- or are you going to ask me polite, relevant, actual questions. One more question like the last one and you won't have to huff out of here -- I'll quietly leave with a 'Good day, Mr. Wallace -- I wish you well in your future endeavors.'"

Wallace stared at me for at least a full minute with a half frown on his face. I stared back with a smile on my face. Then he shrugged his shoulders and said "OK, now that we've got that settled, let me ask you..." after which we proceeded to have an intelligent discussion during which I provided him with information about the ins and outs of my approach, including showing him some of my "vamping" techniques, and reiterated to him the rules about no drugs or sex with the mark. We were both unfailingly polite. After about a half hour of give-and-take he concluded with:

"Thank you very much Amy. I've learned a lot from you, and am tempted to offer you a job with one of my companies, but I couldn't stand the blow to my ego when you declined. However, I wonder if there is one thing that you would be willing to do for me?" he continued as he pulled a business card and pen out of his open briefcase and started writing on the card.

"I'm open to suggestion," I smiled.

Wallace finished writing and then handed the card to me. "Instead of the shell necklace, when you meet my erstwhile son-in-law Bryce could you put on a gold necklace. The card I have just handed to you is my instruction to John Peters, the manager of Galt Jewelry, to charge a gold necklace to my account. Please don't spend more than $2,000, but no less than $1,000 -- I get a 10% discount so nothing with a price less than $1100 or more than $2200 please."

"I certainly will, Mr. Wallace -- Chester," I added with a grin, getting one from him in return. "A gold necklace would go much better with this outfit but I simply did not have a suitable one. Where should I return the necklace once I file my report?"

"There's no need to return it. It's yours -- consider it a bonus," he smiled.

"That's very kind Chester," I beamed.

We opened the door to the conference room and I swear that Swanson must have been eavesdropping -- or at least attempting to -- given the speed of his scurry once the door started moving. When we walked into the hallway exchanging pleasantries Chester turned to Swanson and said "Swanson; my talk with Amy has made my situation more difficult."

"Uh...how so?" Swanson stuttered.

"If Bryce hits on Amy I'll know that he's a cheater and not right for Merilee, but if he doesn't hit on her I'll think he's a damn fool," Chester seriously intoned, followed by a Cheshire Cat grin.

All three of us chuckled.

To make a long story short, I got a perfect gold necklace -- still today one of my favorite pieces of jewelry -- that retailed for $2500, but I so charmed the manager of Galt's that he promised to charge Chester only $1999. Then my interface with Bryce went smoothly.

Bryce was charming, easy to talk to, good-looking, polite, and cultured. Plus, he didn't hit on me. He simply kissed my hand and said how pleased he was to have talked with me when at 1:00 a. m. I left the bar/club where I met him, and he hailed a taxi for me.

Obviously, I wrote up a glowing report on Bryce, and included some still photographs and video of what a gentleman he was. "Too bad he's taken," I sighed as I sealed my report -- after Swanson's review -- in an envelope addressed to Chester's main office for pickup by the delivery service.

It was a month later when I was at the same bar/club where I had met Bryce Hubbard, and I had just started talking to my latest mark (Rob) when Bryce walked up to me. "Hi Amy," he said, squeezing my arm. That upset me for two reasons. First, he was interfering with my approach to my mark because I had introduced myself to him as 'Cindy;' and secondly because I had introduced myself to Bryce, a month ago, as 'Candice;" I never give my real name when working as a relationship-testing operative.

"You must be...uh...confused," I uttered, briefly losing my cool. "My name is Cindy, not Amy."

Bryce then turned to my mark, introduced himself, pulled out his wallet, and counted out five crisp $100 bills. "Rob, if you'll let me take Amy here off your hands this $500 is yours; and given the fact that she is not 'Cindy' but 'Amy,' I'm sure that you can figure out that I'm doing you a favor besides."

Rob took the money -- smiled at both of us -- and as he departed chuckled "Nice to me all three of you, Bryce, Cindy, and Amy."

I was steamed until Bryce said "Sorry, Amy -- I know that I ruined your job but I'll pay you what you otherwise would have made if you had filed a successful report. But before I do, please turn off the recording equipment in your purse."

I realized that there was no reason to stay pissed, so I turned off the recording equipment, then turned to Bryce and asked "So how do you know who I am?"

"First, business -- how much would you have made if you went through with your test and filed a report?"

"$750," I replied.

""Here's $800," he countered, counting out eight more of what seemed like an endless supply of Benjamins in his oversized wallet.

I brazenly took it and shoved it into my purse, already overflowing with gadgets.

"OK -- now answer my question," I smiled.

"I'll give you the really short version -- that's all that's important. After meeting you I realized that I had to admit to myself what was already in the back of my mind. Merilee wasn't right for me. If I could be turned on as easily by someone else as I was by you, Merilee and I were not going to make it. So I broke our engagement. After she sobbed to Chester about it for some reason I have yet to understand he told her about hiring you as a relationship tester, and she told me that in one of her attempts to get me to re-commit. I didn't have your last name or the company you worked for, but I have been coming here every weekend after the one we met hoping to find you," he matter-of-factly recited.

I was taken aback for many reasons. I'm sure that I still had a perplexed look on my face when he continued:

"So -- can I buy you a drink, this time in the hopes of establishing a real relationship rather then you testing one?" he grinned.

Bryce turned out to be everything that I was looking for in a potential husband. He proposed only four months later; I accepted, but since I knew by then that he was wealthy -- even though I didn't know how wealthy -- I was the one who brought up a pre-nup. He thought that I was overly generous in what little I was asking for if the marriage dissolved, especially with respect to the mutual fidelity clause. He ultimately agreed to the pre-nup I proposed once he tripled what my payout would be if the marriage dissolved because of his infidelity.

One thing that I did insist upon before our engagement was announced publicly was that he agree that I would call Chester Wallace and explain the situation to him, and that if Chester called him that Bryce would confirm that he solicited me, not me him.

When I called Chester he invited me to lunch even though I told him the basic fact over the phone that I was getting engaged to Bryce. We had a surprisingly pleasant lunch. Chester exhibited no acrimony and fully accepted my explanation, and was actually pleased that Merilee had forgiven him and was now dating a guy he considered more suitable for her than Bryce was. I got the feeling that he never cared for Bryce. As he so delicately put it "Merilee's personality isn't strong enough to stand up to Bryce's; yours is. You're a better fit for him."

Obviously, once Bryce and I were married I voluntarily (even though it hurt because I really liked it) gave up my work as a relationship tester since that was incompatible with being married. Swanson almost cried he was so sad to see me go. At the time that I left the profession/avocation about 50% of guys I tested failed, and about 50% passed.

More pleasant for me, however, I gave up my boring research job and instead got a job as a half-time counselor at a local college, which I enjoyed much more. The college psychology counseling job gave me the flexibility to do what I wanted, and to organize, host, or attend business and charity events with Bryce to enhance his business and philanthropy.

Perhaps not surprisingly since Chester Wallace was a philanthropist too, I saw him at a number of the big ticket charity events -- I call them "Cause Balls" -- in our fair city. He was always friendly and polite, and never missed a chance to ask me to dance. In fact he roped me into chairing an event for his favorite charity, an event that turned out to be enormously successful and during which he embarrassed me more that I had ever been embarrassed before with his effusive public praise.

**********************

Marriage with Bryce was good -- especially the sex. He punched many of the right buttons for me, and according to his reactions -- not just words -- I rang every one of his chimes. However, with a whirlwind courtship there are things that you find out about your spouse only after you're married that can dull the edge of a relationship. You'd have to ask Bryce what things about me weren't up to his expectations or desires, but of course I can relate what things about him weren't.

Bryce became very possessive and jealous. It started about six months after we were married, and about the eighteenth month I couldn't take it anymore. I came down hard on him about it. Chester was right that I had the personality to stand up to him. I left no room for doubt that I would not put up with possessive-jealous-invidious behavior, and he could either have an attitude adjustment, or call it quits.

Not wanting to give up his sex goddess he did get much better, although he still needed a "refresher" course every couple of months. I didn't realize it at the time but this caused some deep-seated resentment on his part because he always liked to be in control and I wasn't someone that he could control.

Bryce was on an extended business trip shortly after our three year anniversary when on a Monday morning I got a call from Swanson Gathers. He invited me to lunch on a day that I had only morning sessions and meetings at the college.

It was good to see Swanson -- he re-called to my mind many interesting experiences -- although he looked like a heart attack waiting to happen since he had gained even more weight and I could tell that he had been smoking more. We played five or ten minutes of catch-up, then he got to the point.

"Do you remember Cheryl?" he asked.

"Of course; she was a lowest tier operative at Deception and the only true bitch who worked for you, although her lowest tier operative boyfriend Jack wasn't much better," I snickered.