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She reaches over and checks my pulse and breathing sighing when she finds both. "You aren't allowed to scare me like that again, okay?"
Finally the helicopter moves off back towards whatever base it came from. Slowly Michelle gets to her feet glancing around to be sure no militia survived. Satisfied that we're relatively safe she tells the others that we need to get moving.
"Kenny, just hold on," She says. The others lift my body up and they begin to trek through the jungle.
- COMMENTS
G5pilotboy4 months agoSame comment chapter 1. You seriously need an editor. What seems like is good story is messed up by bad writing.
Anonymous5 months agoThis has had the makings for a really good read. Adventure, characters, romance.
Lost for me in trying to read through all of the seeming effort to write a play, written so the actors have always active, present tense scripts.
Do Wish the author used a proof reader.
Craig
Darkns8 months agoI’m still enjoying the story. A small suggestion if I may:
More paragraphs, they are our friends. I say “our” to include you as the author and us as your readers. Paragraphs add structure which makes it easier to read … but they also make it easier to write.
To this end, also try adding titles or headers to a change in scenery. For example, if the scene is with, let’s say Kenny, but suddenly changes to Michelle then title the ensuing section as “Michelle.”and so on.
A small thing I know, but it’s a great story and would be an even better read with an easier flow and no confusing changes in scenery.
Rant over! (Well it’s not really a rant, more of a quiet friendly suggestion).
Cheers, keep the great stories coming.
