The Return of Porn Reviews

In this installment of reviews, I've picked a series of four all-girl films from the early 1990's entitled Cat Lickers. Yes, Cat Lickers. This has to be one of the worst named series of films ever. I know plenty of gay women, and I have never called them a "cat licker," nor have I ever heard them refer to each other as such. What were the folks at VCA Pictures thinking? "Pussy Lickers" was too harsh a title? This is the porn industry, however, which has never been big on logic (much like its Hollywood cousin).

Cat Lickers: Starring Madison, Angela Summers, K.C. Williams, Celia Young, and Devon Shire. Madison is a tutor who is hired by a recluse scientist to teach his three daughters how to be good wives so they can marry into wealth. She isn't in the home for more than ten minutes when she is drawn to the sounds of the housekeeper, Mrs. Stone (Angela Summers), plunging a dildo into Sara, the screamer of the three sisters (Celia Young), on the kitchen counter. Mrs. Stone gets lots of great tongue wagging and clit sucking while she sits on the stove (unlit!). The camera wisely stays on her face for a good portion of the scene to catch her lovely expressions. She beckons Madison to join, but she declines.

Madison meets the bad-acting doctor and his other two daughters, Rebecca and Darlene (Devon Shire and K.C. Williams, respectively). Not much later, Madison listens through a wall as the three sisters engage in a three-way in one of their bedrooms. The sisters apparently go to sleep with high heels on. They form a triangle of fingering, pussy eating, and dildo fucking. Darlene looks a bit bored until Rebecca eats her out.

The next scene has Madison giving the three sisters a talk on the ways of men. Madison is shocked as Darlene and Sara start making out and playing with a vibrator. She storms out and Rebecca follows her. The scene then jumps back and forth between the two couples. It features some nice nipple sucking by Rebecca, who gets Madison squealing.

Not satisfied with this tryst, Madison decides to screw Mrs. Stone in the kitchen. Mrs. Stone is spanked with a spatula, and there are nice shots of Madison eating her as she leans on the stove. The whipped cream comes out and goes on Mrs. Stone's tits, and we get to see some good sloppy close-ups of Madison sucking those tits clean. At one point, the melting cream looks like semen. It's a hot image.

The girls gather to reveal (by crappy special effects) that they are robots made by the scientist to earn him money. However, they have learned that they want to be independent bisexuals who will stay with him and care for him. This film isn't that great. The story is, of course, filler. The scenes lack heat, and it needed a serious hardcore injection.

Cat Lickers 2: Starring Dyanna Lauren, Christina Angel, Felecia, Barbara Doll, Bionca, Kaitlyn Ashley, and Melanie Moore. First of all, the theme music for this movie is awful. You will cringe upon hearing it. The director makes a smart move with the sequel, however, by throwing out all plot and just filming women having sex. This is usually the best option for girl-girl movies.

The first scene pairs Dyanna Lauren and Christina Angel. Dyanna looks like she's high and claims that she and Christina met at the AVN Awards and have wanted to screw ever since. Dyanna unleashes the dirty talk, but it doesn't reach its full effect because she keeps looking off set and distracting the viewer. At one point, the cameraman zooms in so close for a close-up of Christina eating Dyanna's pussy that he holds up Dyanna's leg for her. The camera work for this scene is just above amateur level. Dyanna's boob job looks bad in this scene and Christina's press-on nails look dangerous. Christina eventually mounts Dyanna's face, and Dyanna jumps rights in. Christina comes. They do a sixty-nine for a little while. That's it.

Felecia (the cutest dyke in porn, but that squeaky voice concerns me) and Barbara Doll (who is French, complete with thick accent) are next. Felecia takes her time sucking Barbara's nipples, and Barbara returns the favor by giving Felecia an orgasm via analingus and two fingers in her pussy. "I've always wanted to fuck a French girl with my strap-on," Felecia says, and I laugh. For some reason, I doubted the sincerity of her statement. No, really! She means it! She adds, "I've always wanted to fuck a French girl in the ass." Oh, well, doesn't everyone? It's a thick strap-on, but Barbara takes it like a trooper. Really, she does. "I like to get fucked in zee ass by zis American bitch," she growls in her heavy accent, making me laugh again.

Bionca, Kaitlyn Ashley, and Melanie Moore have the third scene. Bionca suffers from bad late 1990's hair, but it's forgiven when the dirty talk starts spewing out of her mouth. Bionca gets her pussy warmed up with two of her fingers and two of Kaitlyn's. She then gets all oily with Melanie before they suck on a double dong and Melanie then nearly fists Bionca to orgasm. Melanie gets much the same treatment from Bionca's oily fingers in her ass and cunt. Not wanting to leave Kaitlyn out, Bionca gives the camera lots of dirty talk while she puts three fingers in Kaitlyn's ass and four in her pussy. Kaitlyn also makes sure to eat Melanie's pussy the whole time. After some more cunt licking all around, Bionca gets fucked in the ass with the double dong while Kaitlyn takes a dildo in her ass and a thunderous vibrator on her clit. Kaitlyn and Bionca share the double dildo doggy style to round out the scene. "Lovely, isn't it?" Kaitlyn asks. Yes, it is! This was a big improvement over the silly film with Madison. I recommend it for the last scene alone.

Cat Lickers 3: Starring Caressa Savage, Dallas, Sid Deuce, Nici Sterling, Tera Heart, Anna Amore, and Barbara Doll. Again, we have no plot, just sex. Again, we have terrible theme music ("Shanghai'ed in 'Frisco") by some awful bar band. The film opens with Caressa Savage and Dallas in a fierce make-out session. Caressa (who resembles Rene Zellwegger) goes wild on Dallas' big tits, and there's a hot shot of both of them kissing around one of Dallas' nipples. Caressa's nipples, by the way, are a big as shoestring tips. They slap tits together, but this looks more silly than erotic. Caressa bends over for a dildo with a hand crank on it, and Dallas gets a G-spot vibrator that is "better than a box of chocolates."

Sid Deuce (Get it? Sid Deuce = "seduce"! Will the wonders of the porn star brain never cease?) and Nici Sterling engage in some breast worship in the next scene. There are nice moments when Nici's long tongue is licking around Sid's neck. Both of them can't wait to get at Nici's puss. Sid tit fucks her clit, and sucks that tit later when Nici is tonguing her cunt. The camera work is good here because you can see Sid's face all the time while she's being eaten and fingered to a D-cup clutching orgasm. Sid seems to have more fun in this scene than Nici, who just wasn't into it as much.

Tera Heart (with a Band-Aid on her left knee), Anna Amore, and Barbara Doll round out the film. For the record, Tera is a brunette, Anna is a black woman, and Barbara is a blond French girl who is the object of Felecia's ass-fucking fantasies. There's some three-way tit mushing (Anna's are largest) to start off. Once Barbara is eating Tera, the bed is shaking, but we cut too quickly to Tera getting beads stuffed in her pussy and ass. Anna rubs Tera's clit like she's playing a banjo, and the removal of the beads is anti-climatic. It's a disappointing three-way to end the film.

Cat Lickers 4: Starring an uncredited cast, but I recognized Felecia, Stephanie Swift, and Kylie Ireland. The film starts with two cute blondes (one of whom looks like the lead actress on Law and Order: Criminal Intent). There is good camera work as "Blond #1" gets fingered and eaten. You can see every slurp and plunge. "Blond #2" has a small squirting orgasm from three fingers being pumped inside her. There is a great shot over the back of Blond #2 as she eats away at Blond #1, who fucks her friend's mouth. We cut to some double dildo sharing to end the scene.

Some woman named "Rebecca", Felecia (whose "face smells like Rebecca's pussy), and Stephanie Swift (who loves "the smell of pussy") have a fun three-way next with more good camera work. Stephanie eats Rebecca's pussy with love as they get into a fun sixty-nine. Rebecca then eats out Felecia, who seems to enjoy it, but Rebecca looks half-asleep. Felecia squeaks with joy when Rebecca adds a thick black vibrator to the mix. Stephanie gets some doggy style strap-on action from Rebecca (Hooray!), and I notice that once again, Felecia has bikini tan lines. I cannot recall seeing her in any film without them. Why is this? She fucks on screen for a living, but is too modest to tan nude? Stephanie has a headboard-knocking orgasm as Felecia pulls her hair, and they repay Rebecca by fingering her until yummy creamy stuff oozes out of her cunt.

Blond #1 from the first scene gets to fool around with Kylie Ireland by some garden pool. Kylie's breasts look horrendously fake, but Blond #1 is drooling over her clit. This goes on until Kylie has an orgasm that makes her clit "all fat and happy." Blond #1 then fucks Kylie's fingers and long tongue until Kylie brings in a dildo the size of a rock python. We then cut to Kylie mounted over Blond #1's face while she holds a pocket vibrator on her clit. This ends the scene, and is a lame way to do so. This last thrill could have been fun, but there is no build up to it.

Finally, a blonde and a brunette are making out in dead silence. The brunette has tremendous fake nails and a slight overbite, but the blonde eats her until she comes, sounding like a braying trumpet. The blonde gives her some analingus and a good spanking, and there is lots of good open-mouth kissing in this scene. The brunette finally goes down on her friend's pussy, which "tastes like chocolate. Sweet, nourishing, and oh so bad for me." I bust up laughing. The blonde has three small squirting orgasms; and when they share a double dildo, she has three more.

This is better than Cat Lickers 3, but not as good as Cat Lickers 2, which is the best in the series. Mind you, none of them are stellar. If you could piece them together with certain scenes, you'd have a good girl-girl movie.