The Sharpest Lives Ch. 13

A/N: I'm an idiot. I was reading my previous chapters (because even I need to remind myself of what's going on) and realised Ch 11's title/song should have been switched with Ch 7's. Ugh. And it's so difficult to edit a published story! I waited so long for the edits of the last chapter to appear but... oh well.

The perfectionist in me is squirming in pain (as usual) but the lazy in me won (as usual).

First half of the story is in Kim's POV, second is from Liam's... I think it is obvious enough to see the difference. I put a divider anyway.

*

Scar Tissue

I pushed open the heavy white door. It as a nice room, or at least as nice as a hospital room could be.

Liam lay on the bed, propped up against a pillow. He was looking straight at the door, as though he was expecting me. I coolly walked past his bed, to the bouquets of flowers he'd gotten, that were placed on the table and windowsill.

"If the wounds don't kill you, these flowers will," I said dryly, noting the rotting smell emanating from a bunch of roses. "I thought you'd have gone to Karl's hospital first?"

"I wasn't that desperate yet," he replied, slightly smiling. I hmmed in agreement

"I called Benjy, and we made it into an alley mugging," he explained. "No big deal."

"I thought so." I rested against the wall, folding my arms. He seemed amused at my response.

"Oh? So, you also knew I wouldn't call the police?"

"Of course. Unless you wanted to go to jail on some other felony." Now I smiled, narrowing my eyes.

He cocked an eyebrow as realization set in. "Ah. So that was the ace up your sleeve? Bit risky, isn't it?"

I shrugged. "I think I know how to play the part of the distressed little girl very well," I said, settling down into the couch. "Poor me... seven months pregnant, away from family, so deeply in love..." I stretched my arms, and yawned. "Maybe I wasn't beautiful anymore, in this state. Maybe he never did sleep with another girl, but I swear I saw-" I bent forward, eyes wide open, my voice wavering, "-I saw so many things, I don't know if they were hallucinations, but I swear I saw him with another woman...I meant to move the girl away..."

He stared, agape at my act. I laughed.

"And if you did admit there was a girl in the room, then... well, it just puts you under an even worse light, doesn't it?"

"So you planned this from before..." he muttered.

"Not really, I just made it up after a while," I admitted, shrugging. He almost smiled, but seemed to catch himself.

We both stayed silent, not looking at each other.

"What do you want?" he said finally.

"I can't come to see you?" I asked incredulously. I got up, reaching for the flowers again. "Loads of other people did... Who's this...Hmm..." I examined the little get-well cards attached to the bouquets.

"I don't even know why there are so many, the retarded delivery people keep bringing them in," said Liam, exasperated. "Maybe three people except you actually visited me-"

"So was Melanie one of them?" I asked, showing him a card. He looked confused.

"Who's Melanie?"

"Oh you know. Your latest fucktoy. The hot piece of ass you were banging that day." Saying it out loud felt like I was spitting out venom. It felt good.

"Her name was Melanie?" He honestly looked flabbergasted.

I laughed at his reaction, despite myself. "Shame on you," I said, pressing the button to call the nurse.

"Kim..." he sounded weary, unsure, but was temporarily spared from explaining himself as the nurse entered.

"Please take these out," I said, motioning at the flowers. "I'd think you'd know that this could be an infection hazard."

She left to call the housekeeping. I turned back to Liam. "Yes?" I asked coldly. I stood by his bead, looming over him.

How long ago was it, that day when we met? Although the physical proof was there in my womb, it felt like years. He seemed untouchable then.

"Forgive me," he whispered.

"Do you forgive me?" I asked.

"What?"

"Do you forgive me for having emotions? Being selfish? Not being how you want?"

"That's stupid talk-you're everything I want- please let's forget-"

"But I can't forget," I replied, and my eyes welled up with tears. It was so difficult to talk. To stand. The pounding in my head never stopped. But I had to finish this, I had to-

I closed my eyes, and when I opened, I saw the wet teardrop stains on his bedsheet. He looked miserable.

"It happened. I let you think it was alright. I let you go through with it. It was my decision,Liam, whatever you say or think," I stressed. "So the only one I can blame is myself. And I cannot forgive myself, ever, for trusting you. You never promised me anything, so you broke nothing. You're fine, Liam."

His hand shot up, and caught my wrist tightly. The janitor came in, and started moving away the dead flowers. I didn't struggle. It made no difference to me, either way.

"Will you put flowers on my grave when I'm dead?" he asked, watching him take them away.

I stayed silent.

"I'd like you to visit. But I don't like flowers. Don't get those." He held on to my hand, rubbing it with his fingers, inside my palm. The janitor left.

"Kim... Little rabbit. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was doing."

I snorted.

"Okay, why I was doing what I was doing," he corrected. "Tell me what I should do. Just... fix this."

I had enough. Now he comes sniveling back to me? "I thought you were my 'master'?" I asked vehemently. "You 'owned' me? That's what you were doing right? Testing 'devotion'? Fancy me, telling you what to do!"

"Nobody owns anyone," said Liam seriously.

"Someone's really changed their tune now," I said, snatching my hand away. "Nobody owns anyone! Setting yourself free, are you?"

"So you don't like how I am anymore, right?" he asked suddenly. Something had snapped in him as well - as though he couldn't keep up the pitiful facade anymore. "You want me to leave you? Is that what you want?"

That just irked me more.

I walked away from him to get my bag from the couch. I needed to leave this room, away from his stupid voice and retarded face. The dull ache in my brain was getting worse.

"Yes, Liam, leave me. You're done with me, with my body and mind and soul, aren't you, you pathetic piece of shit... Nothing left for you to plumb. Go onto your next whore."

I walked out of the room, and after a few steps, felt extremely dizzy. I sat down, and rested my head against the wall.

After a few minutes, I felt a light pat on my shoulder. I opened my eyes, trying to make sense of the blurry face in front of me. It was a nurse.

"Are you all right?" she asked, concerned. "You seem to be sweating."

"I don't feel great. I feel dizzy," I whispered uneasily.

She left, and returned with a blood pressure monitor and a stethoscope. While doing her examinations, she asked if there was anyone she could contact to take care of me. I reached for my phone, and gave Rachel's number.

------------------------

Breathe... breathe... breathe...

What seemed like a reflex before now consumed every ounce of my being. No capillaries were too small, no muscle too insignificant, no structure too deep- I could feel them all, each working their cell out, all pitching in to form a collective soul that just wanted to do one thing-

Live. Live, damn it. Just one more month. Then we'd both be free.

One month sounded much less than thirty days.

I opened my eyes. "Way to work yourself into a state, Kim," said Rachel, looking down at me. "You've got high blood pressure."

"Why am I admitted..." I mumbled. I looked at the IV line in my arm, but felt too weak to react.

"Because it's very, very high, and very bad." She settled into the chair next to the bed.

After giving her number, I fell into a sort of stupor. I was vaguely aware of the things happening around me. I felt being moved on a wheelchair, some questions about headaches and when was my last visit. Luckily, I wasn't awake to feel the needle prick.

I looked at Rachel, then closed my eyes. Looking at things was tiring. I might have dozed off, because when I woke up again, Benjy and Rachel were talking.

"I can't get over the fact that she's pregnant," said Benjy. "I called him up later, you know? Bastard never picked up."

"He blocked my number since that party, so I couldn't either," she replied.

"Even that night- I couldn't ask anyway." He sounded annoyed. "He's admitted here too. I'm going to him now."

"The idiot makes another idiotic decision," snapped Rachel, slapping his hand. Benjy hummed angrily. I smiled inwardly. I liked it when she snapped at him. It was cute, very contrary to her usual nature.

"Why do you have to go rile him up now?" she demanded.

"He'sfine," said Benjy, as though it was obvious. "He's been through worse. Really, he's gonna be discharged day after."

Rachel must have not seemed satisfied, since he added, "I won't ask him about anything else. Promise. Just, if I were in his place, I'd have liked to know what happened to my girlfriend. That's all."

Rachel must have agreed, because then I heard the door close. She gave a little laugh, then sighed. "I hope you would," she said, and settled down next to me again.

"You know... I always knew it," I said, my eyes closed. "The day I met him, it was over for me. It'd have been so much easier if I hated him, and moved on, like a normal person..."

I felt her run her hand through my hair. "You know," said Rachel. "I was his last girlfriend before you. I told you, right? A few years ago. I'm pretty sure he slept around after that too, but as far as relationships go, I was one of them. Do you know why I left?"

I stayed quiet.

"It stops becoming fun. It stopped having meaning for me. There's so much you can tolerate before you start questioning- he wasn't a dom in the usual, sexual sense. He was just naturally- bad...wrong. I don't know the word. But that wasn't the only thing. I think, he assumes if he can do it to others, anyone can do it back to him. That just added a sort of vindictiveness to his nature. Like he doubles his effort, because of that twisted way of thinking..."

"You know how I am with sex- but I really did love him. I was worried. Why was he being like this? I wanted to talk, to know... But he didn't even care about that. Didn't care that I cared, didn't care that maybe what he did was wrong. What do you with such a person?"

I opened my eyes to look at her. She was looking out of the window, pensive.

"It then became a headache. I was always worried, afraid... exhausted. I couldn't rot for him. He made me feel...worthless." She said the last word with a sort of distaste. "So I left."

She turned to look at me. "I see you're in the same place I was. I'm not saying we're the same, nor am I trying to make you question all you've both done. I'm just curious. After all this- why are you still here?"

"He's everything to me," I replied simply. I didn't even understand why I said that. It just seemed...true.

She took a deep breath, as if steeling herself, to convince me at any cost. "You've lost nothing. Your family, or friends, they never really left. The dreams and the thoughts in your head are still yours, you still have the rest of your life to live as you want. He doesn't have any of that- no real family, no real friends... no dreams because- there's no point, according to him, and thoughts...just geared towards making others feel- terrible."

"I know all that," I replied.

"I see the attraction, believe me. It's so weird. It's like, when from afar you see something beautiful, but then you come closer to take a look, and you see it's actually a rotting carcass. It'd be pathetic, if it wasn't so... terrifying."

She saw that I wasn't budging, so she ploughed on, "I sometimes feel he deprives you because he doesn't have what you have, like a jealous toddler- but he can't do jack shit about it, no matter what he says."

"He has a family," I said after a while.

"Kim... I dunno if the told you, but that's not his mother. His own mother died years ago. Alex and Bambi are his step-siblings. Not many people know that. He almost always pretends otherwise too... and makes everyone else play along."

"No. No. He has me," I stressed. "And we have a son."

"Oh, Kim..." her voiced sounded odd, wavering.

"It's not exhausting for me," I continued. "I need to give, he needs to take...It's fine by me. No, I need it to be like that. Otherwise I might just implode..."

She bent over, and kissed my forehead. "First, I just wanted to see the naive freshman he was fucking. But now..." Rachel sighed again. "I'm sorry. I can't help but think it's my fault. I should have said something more, but instead I kept listening to that idiot Benjy... I should have realized he's also equally parts crazy... look where we are now." Her voice broke at the end.

"We're fine," I promised. "We'll all be fine."

------------------------

"Is this girl your partner?" asked the nurse.

I rolled my eyes. Of course, you nutjob. Why would I be standing in some random person's room?

I was about to answer something along those lines, when I caught the expression on her face. She looked disgusted.

Heh. Too bad. I toned down my voice a little. "Yes. Is there something I need to know?"

"No. I was just confirming." She didn't move away.

"Okay." Now, fuckingmove.

I tapped my foot inadvertently, and she noticed, making a face. I smiled back at her. "How are you going to manage her now?" I asked, trying to mask my annoyance.

"Her lab results are not out yet. We'll look for changes. You can discuss this with the doctor," she said, motioning to the door, and started scribbling on her clipboard.

"Ah," I said, taking a seat on the couch in front of the bed. I winced slightly at the light pull on my stitches as I sat down.

"Sir, aren't you a patient here as well?" she asked. "You must go back to your room."

I took out my phone, and started fiddling on it. "You don't think I'd have left without asking them, right?" I asked, not looking up. "They know I'm here."

The nurse fretted around her bed for a while, and then seemed to give up. She paused at the doorway to look at me. "The patient needsrest," she said pointedly.

"Of course," I agreed, smiling.

As soon as she left, I got up to look at her.

She was nestled in the blankets like a little animal. She was lying on her side, her mouth slightly open. I pushed her jaw closed, so she wouldn't wake up with a dry mouth. That made her shift very slightly, and I felt my heartbeat race, then relax, as she settled into sleep again.

Benjy had said that they would try to keep it in her for one more month, said. Now, looking at her, one month sounded too much for me.

My eyes fell to her swell of her abdomen. It was so- stupid, I felt stupid now. But then, it was a mad urge. I just needed to see if I could make her pregnant, wanted to see her with my child growing inside her body, against her will. Seeing her squirm and cry, whenever I reminded her about it, especially during the first few months... it was fun while it lasted.

My...child. It sent an odd feeling up my spine- my abomination, more like, eating her up in a way I will never be able to. In a masochistic way, I found a guilty pleasure in the fact thatI caused this. Where I could not, my child had reined her in.

Then for some reason she fell in love with it, and I didn't see the harm in letting it go on. It would only cement my hold on her, I thought. Now she definitely won't go anywhere.

But now thisthing was killing her. I was sure terminating it this late would equal to feticide, but fuck that... she was dying.

She shivered slightly.

My sweet little rabbit...

I had decided that day, as she balanced on my lap, reeling from the slap I'd given her. I expected her to be angry, or hurt. She looked so...lost. I wanted to- take her home. Make her belong, so I took her. She was mine.

Even after all the lashes, the pain... Iused her until I thought I couldn't anymore. And even then she stayed. I couldn't believe my luck. But after this incident...

I suddenly felt miserable. What was wrong with me that day?

I shouldn't have stung her. I shouldn't have forced my plans on her. I shouldn't have kept her in, I shouldn't have called that girl over, I shouldn't have done that...

A list of shouldn't haves, that's all I had! And for what? What was I trying to prove?

Why is this happening? Why did it only happen to me? Was this my fault?

I cried.

------------------------

I stayed by her bed for a while, hoping she would wake up. When she didn't I thought about sleeping in the couch, but then I decided against it. She might see me and become more ill.

When I returned to my room, it was evening. The ward nurse was furious, since they had to find the doctor again to check up on me.

As he removed the bandages from my chest to inspect my wounds, he asked me about Kim.

"You look slightly distressed," he commented. "Or, is it the wound?"

"Oh really? I don't feel so. Probably the wound," I said.

"I would be, you know," he said, cleaning around the area. "About her. Your girlfriend."

"She'll be fine. Or is your Maternity department that terrible?"

"Ahahaha... No, not in that way. Just, concerned. You've generally been very calm about all of this- your attack, then your partner and your baby-"

"I can't really do much about it," I replied, "unless, you let me go?"

"We can't have two sick people in the family, can we? Anyways, you can ask her family to look after her for a few days, right?"

I felt myself shiver. Haha. Yeah right. Sending her back, broken and used? I might as well send back her dead body.

"She has family, right?" asked the doctor again.

"Hmm. Yes." I gave him a look. He understood the message, and left quietly after his work was done.

I was discharged the next morning. I didn't let anyone know I was free. I just hailed a taxi and left for my apartment.

It was a while since I stepped into the room. The curtains were open, and the harsh winter sunlight had bleached the papers that were still scattered on the floor. The smell of cigarettes was overpowering- Kim was right, it reeked like anything here. I stood at the window, wondering if I should open it. The stupid wind always blew inwards, anyway.

How long had I kept her in here? I thought, looking around the room. Five months? Six?

I never really gave a damn about it, I just came here to sleep and do some work. Maybe have a girl over. But nobody ever stayed. But I kept her inside this...cage.

I sat on the bed, on the spot where I'd usually find her, waiting for me. The mattress was old, it needed turning over, I thought, as I looked straight, facing my workstation. I grunted in annoyance as I realized the walls probably needed painting as well.

After she moved- no- I took her in, I dismissed my cleaning lady. Kim didn't do a great job of things, I recalled, remembering the dust swept carefully into corners and the still sticky kitchen counters- but the house was at least livable.

I lay down. What did she see? What did she think? I looked towards the windows, and watched the clouds sail by lazily. It was so quiet...So lonely....

How did she stand sitting here, waiting everyday for me, not knowing what was going to happen next?

I rolled off the bed. This was stupid. I decided to clean something up, starting from the kitchen.

What do we have to get when the kid comes along? I had no idea. Kim- how would she know, I scolded myself. Mom? She'd scream at me for even considering staying here, but I'm not raising my kid in that damned house. Rachel and Benjy? I laughed out loud at the thought. They're even more immature than Kim!