The Snoopy T-shirt

OK, this is it. It is hard for me to tell my story. But finally I have gathered the courage together to tell you. I was raped. Those words seem so strange, because it doesn't feel as if it was me and all. I'm now 24 and I can talk about it, but when it happened to me I was just 18. It was exactly one month after my 18th birthday, and the thing I most associate with my 'adulthood.'

It was part of a school trip to the mountains so that we could see snow. Living in Australia many kids haven't seen snow, so we were all really excited. The male and female students occupied separate floors, but there were more girls than boys, so some of us stayed on the boys floor. This was the bottom floor, and that is where I stayed with one other girl in a shared room. It's odd referring to 18 year old men and women as 'boys' and 'girls', but that is how the teachers referred to us in the last year of highschool.

It was my fault. I felt a little hot because of the heating, so I opened the window. Just one or two inches, but that was all that was necessary for the attacker to get in.

Anyway, a guy came in to our room. I don't know how old he was. It must have been really easy for him, because he just opened the window and got in. he attacked me and not my room mate just because my bed was the closest to the window.

The first I knew that he was there I was in bed and the guy and kneeled down between my bed and the window, so that my roommate couldn't see anything, even if she was awake. I woke up and he was there with his face a few inches away from mine. He put his hand over my mouth and whispered me to be quiet and he said that he had a knife. I was so scared that I started peeing myself.

He whispered that he saw me arrive with the other students and that he thought that I was the prettiest. He said that he just wanted to touch me for a little bit and then he would go.

I felt the hot pee run out of me and become absorbed by my panties, and then it tricked out through the elastic and into my nightdress. It was a Snoopy nightdress that was like a big t-shirt that mummy had bought me for my birthday and I said I wanted to wear it on this trip. The pee went through that and into the blanket. I felt I would get in trouble for wetting the bed.

He started touching my knee and then up my thighs with his hand. His hand was shaking. He asked me questions about whether I had a boyfriend and did I know what an erection was. I was too scared to do anything and I just let him touch me.

He started feeling up my thighs and on the outside of my panties. He was unhappy that I had peed myself and I felt that he was going to kill me but he didn't.

His fingertips went around and started touching my bottom. He told me to take my panties off. I couldn't move, so he put his hand back around my front. He started rubbing me between my legs, through my panties. I think he wanted to rub me so that I got wet, but of course it was the pee that made me wet.

He kept rubbing between my legs, almost as if he was trying to stick his fingers into my vagina through my panties. I eventually go the to try and move away. He grabbed my wrist, hard. I guess I had a freaked out expression on my face, because he said I looked scared and there was no need to be scared.

He let go of my wrist and told me not to be scared, but that he would kill me if I tried to move again. My mind was racing the whole time but I couldn't make myself to anything.

He started running his fingers and hands all over me, especially my nipples. He told me that he shouldn't be doing this but that it was my fault, because I was just too tempting. He said I shouldn't be so beautiful if I didn't want men to want me.

I know I should have screamed, but I was so embarrassed by it all, I actually didn't want my roommate to hear, and I had peed the bed.

I guess you could say I was lucky in the fact that he wasn't as violent as some rapists. He pulled my panties to one side and starting fingering me. Of course, at age 18, I was very sexual, but still a virgin.

He pulled the covers back, making sure he didn't make any noise. He pushed me over so I was flat on my back. He climbed into bed with me, with his shoes still on. I hadn't noticed, but he must have taken his penis out and some stage and it was poking out of his jeans and it was erect.

He covered himself up so that he was on top of me and the covers on top of him. He pulled my panties to aside and the I felt his hardness. He said that I had obviously been a bit of a slut in my time because I opened my legs for him, but that wasn't true. I hadn't had sex before, but I knew that it would be easier if my legs were open.

My pee made it a little easier for it to in. He tried really, really hard not to make a noise, but he moaned as he pushed it into me. I said no when he asked me if I was pushing it in too fast. He actually tried to be gently under the circumstances.

Because just the tip of his penis was at the entrance of my vagina, he pushed it in just a little bit and the withdrew it, and then back in again. My vagina started to lubricate, the way it did when I masturbated. I felt like a pervert for years after this happened, feeling that I must have lubricated because I was enjoying being raped, but I have since learnt that sometimes happens with rape survivors. The body just goes on automatic.

As I lubricated that excited him, and I could smell myself as if I were masturbating. I didn't masturbate for ages and ages after this happened because I didn't want to smell myself again. He pushed in further and further, and after a long time he had the whole of his penis inside me.

He took ages to ejaculate. I felt that was because he was moving it so slowly and also because he wanted to be quiet. I didn't know what it would feel like. His semen wasn't just warm it was actually hot. When he did climax he held himself in me till his penis started to go down and not be erect.

He pulled his pelvis away and I felt the elastic on my panties snap back into place as his penis moved out of the way. He thanked me and said that it was fantastic. He asked me how it was for me and I said that it was good, because I felt that he would hit me if I said anything else. He told me not to tell anyone and I said that I wouldn't.

When he was finally done he lifted up the covers and crouched down beside the bed. I just rolled over on my side. He pushed the window back open and stepped through it. He then closed the window. My roommate didn't here anything.

I never cried but I stated shaking like crazy. I just shook and shook till the shock or whatever it was left me and I just lay there on my side. I went into a fetal position, and when I moved I felt his semen run out of me and down the crack in my bottom. The semen ended up staining my Snoopy nightdress and I hand washed it that night.

As I lay there I looked at the clock and there were two house to go before we had to get up and shower. I just lay awake for the two hours and got in the shower first.

When I had the shower I must have been on another planet because the next day I found that burns on my back from the hot water. I was just numb, even two hours afterwards.

When we went down for breakfast, there were these men sitting there together. I just knew that one of them was the guy who had raped me. I ate a bit, trying not to look over. I spent the rest of the day in a daze, but no one said anything.

That night I couldn't sleep, but I did something I could never forgive myself for. I forgot to lock the window. It was the same thing. I woke up with him touch me, and he said that I was a horny little school girl slut because I obviously wanted it again. I went on automatic, laying back and opening my legs. As my nightdress and panties were wet form being hand washed, I was just wearing a new pair of panties in bed and no nightdress. This was more evidence for him that I wanted it. He lay on top of me. Pulled my panties aside. Pushed himself into me. Fucked me and fucked me and fucked me, but this time harder and faster than the night before and he came after about 5 minutes.

The next day we all left, and I guess he might have even gone back the third night to see if I was still there. I never told my teachers or my parents or anyone. I never went for a test despite (presumably) I was 18 and very fertile.

The only thing that really changed for me was that when I did have intercourse the first time with a boyfriend there was no danger of being hurt because I had been 'cracked open' years before. I also learnt that men sometimes cant help themselves, and they will even take girls against their will. It has been washed lots of times, but for some reason I still have the Snoopy t-shirt.