The Struggle Ch. 02

The next morning, Sunday morning, he went out with his dogs as usual. Rosa was also out of bed and told him breakfast would be ready when he came home. He decided not to go too far, he was hungry and he loved the warmth and coziness of Rosa's house.

He walked the path towards the kitchen and smelled the freshly baked bread. Rosa had told him on some occasions she baked her own bread and this was such an occasion. When he entered the house and walked to the kitchen, he heard Rosa talking. "Is she talking in herself," he thought, unsuspecting. When he entered the kitchen he saw Helena at the kitchen table, talking to Rosa.

Flabbergasted he asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I was worried about my husband, I haven't heard anything from him for such a long time, that I decided to search for him."

She stood up, and kissed him full on his mouth whispering, "How could you leave me alone for so long? Don't do it again, I've missed you so much."

Rosa looked at the scene and knew this woman loved him very much. Rob had told her a bit about their struggle, but the fact she had found him, while he assured her nobody could find him, made her certain Helena was indeed his loving and loyal wife. She probably had moved heaven and earth to find him.

When Helena excused herself to go to the toilet, after the long drive, Rosa said "Rob. I tell you one thing. This woman really loves you. She is your better half. Don't you dare to leave her, I won't ever speak to you again if you do, it would be that stupid."

Helena came into the kitchen and she heard Rosa's words and she smiled. "I will never let him go, Rosa. He is stubborn, but I love him. He only needs to learn his place now and then."

Rosa smiled. "Yes - I heard about the S&M thing. You give him a spanking, from me! I used to do that, too, when he was young. Children learn to behave themselves and as it appears, it can be good for grown-ups as well."

"You really have found each other. Women always do, I was so certain I would be safe here." he muttered, shaking his head.

"Rob, you will be safe in my caring. Still we need to talk. Shall we take a long walk today?" Helena almost begged him to come along and to speak with her.

"I can take the dogs as well, I can leave you two here to talk." Rosa said, but Rob as well as Helena thanked her but declined her offer.

When they both had eaten the freshly baked bread with a lot of butter and marmalade, and drunk two large mugs with delicious coffee, they took Inca and Nicky on the leash and departed to walk through the village to the large forest.

Helena was efficiently clothed, rain boots, pants and a thick jersey. A raincoat completed her outfit.

Rob wore his old clothes, boots like Helena and a heavy coat. It could be rainy and windy, but the weather was good at the moment. In silence they walked the first hundred yards and then Rob asked "How did you find me? I was pretty sure nobody knew I was here."

"I know. My organization couldn't find you. In the end I racked my brain head and asked Jenny. She immediately thought about your, um, 'aunt'?"

"A long story. Friend of the family. So you have spoken to Jenny? That information must have cost you dearly..."

"No. You have no idea what I will do for you. Jenny saw it in my eyes. She immediately knew what was wrong. I have to say she knows you better than I expected. Anyway, within ten minutes after I had spoken to her, I was on my way to you."

"So, you have spoke to her this morning?"

"Yes. Marion and I couldn't sleep. We had no idea where you could be. Marion cried her eyes out, and so did I. She's convinced you will not marry her. Now that I have found you, I'm not so sure either. I told her, he will come back. But you didn't. Not once did you contact us. Instead you threw our belongings out of your house. How do you think we must have felt? You bastard!" she suddenly said, and was crying. "How could you? Moments before we were having a good talk and then..."

"And then you ignored my safeword," Rob accused her.

"Was that worth everything we have gone through?"

"Helena. Look at me!" Rob looked her straight in the eyes. "You yourselves warned me at Marion's place, remember? I was hurt then. I was humiliated and I was in pain. I don't want to experience that ever again. You ignored my safeword. My safeword is my escape, the word I can use so I have the idea that I am in control, no matter what happens. You took it away. In one stupid scene I lost my confidence, my trust, and almost even my marriage. You have no idea in what state I was after you left. You seem to think it's all innocent, and for other people it is. But not for me, not with my background. I thought you understood that by now. And again you failed me. Both. I thought Marion would understand by now. I was wrong, again. "

"Michelle told me to say no. But what if I say no - and I am ignored? Where do I stand? What are my options? How can I ever trust you again? Tell me! I love you and I know you love me. I never doubted you. But there is more, you want more and Marion wants more. I don't know if I can give you my unconditional trust. Not after the last scene."

In silence they walked through the forest that they had reached in the meantime. The birds were singing, the wood rosin smelled delicious, the air was fresh and the sun was shining. There was no wind and the whole scene he had described from the other night was surrealistic compared to this place. Here there were no canes and whips and women dressed in leather and here there was no silly man dressed in nylons and chained with handcuffs. Rob stopped and went sitting on a fallen tree.

"Where do we go from here Helena?"

Suddenly Helena started to cry, her whole body shuddered and she leaned against Rob and kissed him with her wet face "Hold me, Rob. I feel so terribly alone. I'm so tired. I cannot fight anymore, I'm exhausted. First you. Then we left. Then Marion. And all the time I needed to be strong and convince her and myself there is nothing wrong. And then you were not home anymore. My world went black. I had no idea where to look for you. Bastard," she said again.

She kept crying and crying and finally had no tears left. Rob stroked her hair and held her in his arms. He had nothing more to say. He knew it was wrong to disappear without talking it over, but he knew also he wasn't wrong in his response, either. He was traumatized, and they had no idea how close he had been to releasing the dogs on them. He would never tell them, but he was very close. Maybe, in their subconscious, they knew they went too far. Maybe they realized they were in serious danger - not with the dogs, but the subsequent follow up: he would have left them - for real. He shook his head. When would they ever learn?

"Maybe it's better we forget the whole s&m thing, and we live as a normal husband and wife," Rob said softly.

"No. Impossible. You would become restless, and so would I and don't forget Marion. You can suppress it, but it comes back and what will happen then? No - we need to talk about it. We have to make each other promises. Maybe a counselor, someone who is independent. But first we have to talk, again. You, Marion and I. And we have to do it as soon as we get home. You know, she has started decorating the playroom together with Cathy. Cathy is so sweet; she talks to her and makes her laugh. But I know. I hear her cry in the night, and I want to cry as well. Bastard!" she said for the third time.

They stood up and headed back.

When they reached Rosa's place and entered the house, Rosa saw Helena's face and walked towards her, taking her from Rob and said "Come along dear. I will take care of you," and they went upstairs. Fifteen minutes later Rosa came downstairs, alone and said to Rob, "She is asleep. She walked on her last bit of strength. I don't know what is going on between the two of you, but you have to sort it out and as soon as possible. Helena is a mess, she doesn't deserve that, whatever she has done to you, you must make it up to her. And now I won't say anything anymore about it. But you sort it out, young man!"

Helena slept for four hours. When she had gone to the bathroom and made herself look somewhat better, she came downstairs. Now that she was rested, her eyes been made up and was wearing a dress, borrowed from Rosa, she looked adorable again. This was a whole other woman than this morning.

"Hello there. Did you sleep well, dear?" Rosa asked in a friendly tone. "I see you are wearing my old dress. You can keep it, I don't fit into it anymore, and I think young women are wearing these dresses again."

It was true, the fashion is a cycle, and the dress from Rosa was maybe old, but nowadays in the picture again. Rob liked it. She made a twirl and a pink petticoat showed.

"That petticoat was given to me by my mother," he remarked.

"Do you mind if I wear it?" Helena asked.

"No - not at all. I like it."

Helena made another twirl and the petticoat was now clearly visible.

Rob got a lump in his throat and tears came into his eyes. "I'm sorry." He wiped his eyes. "Old memories." He looked at Helena. "I can't imagine anyone else who I would like to see wearing it. You are so beautiful."

"Thank you, dear. Rosa, we spoke about this earlier, but I ask again. Do you mind if I take Rob with me. We still have so much to discuss, and Marion is missing him dearly as well. I have to take him home with me."

"Of course dear. Go home, it's still early. Go out to a restaurant and there, in a neutral environment, it's easier to talk. Rob, get your things and make up with your lovely wife. You don't deserve her; she is too good for you." She smiled at him and he knew she was glad for him he had found such a sweet woman.

When they departed, Rosa stood in the garden, waving them goodbye. They had promised not to be strangers, and soon would come back. Rosa was also invited to the estate, when all was ready there, and Helena promised that she would send her driver to pick Rosa up in style.

They left Rob's car behind, someone from Helena's company would pick it up and deliver it to the front of Rob's house. Helena's Mercedes was parked near the neighbor's house, which is why Rob didn't notice initially that Helena was visiting Rosa.

Rob drove and Helena rested her head against his shoulder. Now and then Rob stroked her legs and they held hands. When they had arrived at the estate and the dogs jumped out of the car and started barking out of excitement, Marion and Cathy came out and ran towards Helena and Rob.

They were both greeted with kisses and tears and when Helena suggested they go out to a restaurant that evening, everybody acknowledged things would be better from now on.

They went inside the house and were having coffee. Silently Rob sat in the large living room. The estate had been rebuilt at his suggestion, but he hadn't seen it since it was finished. When they had drank their coffee, Helena showed Rob the new rooms. In silence they walked through the new rooms. Cathy and Marion had been busy. Their clothes were lying everywhere, Cathy had lots of bookcases still unpacked, while Marion's cd and dvd collection, a huge one, also was still boxed.

Helena explained that they wanted to have the playroom ready as soon as possible.

Rob asked why.

"Why do you think Rob? It will be an important part of the wedding ceremony. Or did you forget about that?"

"I have thought a lot about it. Not just about the playroom, but whether I want to continue with all this. I have had many doubts the last days. And not just about the new marriage."

Tears filled Helena's eyes again. "Were you seriously thinking about leaving me? Why? Why Rob? A stupid quarrel and you think of leaving me. Just like that? I cannot believe you would be so cruel. Tell me!"

"Not just like that, I had serious doubts, I still have. Don't think the problems are solved, because they are not! But please keep that to yourselves. Let's pretend I needed some time to myself, and that isn't far from the truth."

Helena agreed and asked, "But you will marry Marion soon?"

"Probably, but I don't know when I'll be ready for the event. I want to speak with you about the marriage, too."

"Rob, together we will write a script and handle things accordingly. No surprises. Wait - that is not true. There will be one surprise for you. Marion doesn't know about it, nor Cathy or Kim. Just me. Follow me to my study please, we will discuss some details."

Rob followed her, obviously she had something on her mind. This morning they were walking in the forest and now they would be talking about the marriage. He shook his head. No wonder she was so stressed.

"Helena." Helena kept on walking. "Helena!" Rob grabbed her arm. "We don't have to discuss it today. Relax. I will marry her, that should be enough for you. Tomorrow is another day and when we are both rested we can talk. We will say to the others we need to talk first and they will be informed later. They will understand. Let them do their thing."

Helena went into their bedroom and took Rob's arm. "This is where we will sleep and make love. This is our bedroom. Our special place. If we sleep here, nobody else is welcome, we said that from the start. A few rooms further away are bedrooms where we all can sleep, should we want to do so in one bedroom. The largest bedroom contains two double-beds. We will be there often, because I know Marion wants you. I will be there too. But this is our place."

Rob looked around. He liked what he saw. It was very femininely decorated. A large wardrobe at the back, enough cupboards for the both of them - including his female attire. The wardrobe was a room onto itself, it was so large. Rob stared at Helena's shoes, pair after pair, some normal and some decadent. From leather to PVC, ballerinas, high boots and everything between.

He sighed. He opened a cupboard. Then he saw it, these were her bizarre outfits. He opened another: her formal dresses were hanging there.

"Your cupboards are at the other side. I divided your male and female clothes. Your lingerie is hanging there and there." She pointed to two large cupboards.

Helena grinned, "I couldn't resist making some adjustments to the bed." A few ropes were lying beneath the bed.

Rob shook his head again. He remarked, "I have my own bedroom too?"

"Yes. I promise you, if you sleep there, I will make sure you won't be disturbed. I understand you need a place to withdraw or just some place for yourself. Your rooms are adjacent to ours. Your bedroom can be reached through that door and cannot be locked. So I will always have admittance to you. I decided to let them make that door at my latest appointment with the architect. I thought the two of us should always be able to reach each other." She took his hand in her hand and brought it to her cheek. Rob caressed her.

She pointed at two large baskets at the end of the bed. "I know you want Nicky and Inca near you. Here they can sleep. I know they are clean, so I decided to let them stay here. Of course, if they want to stay below, I won't object."

They went into the hallway and reached the elevator. They stepped in and Helena pushed the button, which brought them to the lowest floor. When they left the elevator, they had arrived between the wine-cellar and the new playroom.

They were greeted by Cathy and Marion. They both wore work-overalls and were fixing curtains to the walls. The curtains were made of bordeaux-red velvet and were hanging from the ceiling to the floor. There was room left for some devices which were lying in front of the place, where they would be erected or fastened to the wall. The most visible object was a wheel. Rob knew that this wheel was used for hanging somebody upside down. He had a strange feeling as he thought of the wheel at Marion's place.

His help was needed here, but he wasn't in the mood to start today.

"I'm sorry ladies. Tomorrow I will help, now..." he stopped talking. He looked around and finally said "I'm a bit tired."

He went out and stepped into the elevator. Helena followed him and they arrived at the bedroom floor again. He immediately walked towards his quarters.

When Helena opened the door for him and handed him the key, Rob was astonished about the work what already had been done.

"I made sure all the ordered furniture, carpets and curtains were ready the next day. I was hoping you would be here last Friday."

She passed him, while he looked around, astonished at the luxury. Helena had insisted she would decorate the rooms and he had said he wanted this and that, but she had exaggerated as usual. Only the best for her lover.

"Rob, your bedroom!" He walked towards the doors at the back. One door gave admittance to a small kitchen, enough to make coffee and for a refrigerator (his own beer stash, he grinned), the other door led to his bedroom with an adjacent bathroom. Helena was standing before a large bed, large enough for three persons, but it was intended for Helena and him only.

She went lying on it; her dress crept up and revealed the petticoat again. He went lying beside her, and took her hand.

"I can get used to living here, with you. You have done a great job." He rolled over her and kissed her on her mouth, rubbing her breasts and then kissing her neck. He rolled back and took her hand and stroked it slowly.

"Still we have to talk, don't you think so, too?"

"We can talk now Rob. We are just here,the two of us."

Rob sighed and stood up. He walked around a bit and looked out of the window. He could see the lawn where he had trained his dogs with the dummy.

Helena just lay there and said nothing. She just watched him and let him make up his mind.

"I tried to explain it to you, that evening. I don't think you listened. You were angry. Let me say it differently: when you play s&m games, it must be out of love, and not because you want some kind of revenge. Maybe you were not really angry and it was a part of the scene. I didn't know of it was. But what I did know, was that you wouldn't accept my safeword. So there was no escape for me. I had to call my dogs. Then you finally realized it was no game to me, it was bloody serious. You have no idea how close I was to giving the attack order, I was in panic and you didn't recognize it."

Rob turned and looked at her. "How do you think I was feeling? I almost had to use my dogs to attack the women I loved the most. My world was upside down. You had grief, but it was nothing compared to what I felt. Suddenly I had nothing left. You were gone the next day, together with Marion. Without a note, nothing at all. You didn't phone. You probably thought I owed you an apology. I had nothing to apologize for. You wanted to force me to go along in something I didn't want and certainly didn't need."

Helena still didn't say anything.

"I tell you know and forever, whenever you or Marion want to play a scene, I want my safeword or when gagged, something what can be used as safeword. And I tell you right now, the next time my safeword is ignored it will be the very last time I play a scene. And yes, maybe I will leave you, because I see it as a fundamental right, as something that is always there, for your and my protection."

He looked outside the window again. "It's lovely here. I could grow old with you. I want to grow old with you. But you really have to earn my trust again. I was so very disappointed. If you hadn't found me, I probably would be away for weeks."

Helena stood up and walked towards him. Her eyes were sad. "I had no idea. We were planning to give you six strokes each and then be done with it. We thought you didn't need a safeword, for us it was no big deal. It was dark in your attic and when you were pulling the chains, we thought you were making it more exciting for us. We never knew that it was for real, not until you called for Nicky and Inca. Then we realized we had gone too far. Still, we had no idea how you felt and we decided to go to the estate and thought you would follow us. When you sent us our belongings, I realized something was very wrong. I had to comfort Marion and say you didn't mean it when you sent our stuff, and that you would probably arrive somewhat later. But we couldn't reach you and then you were gone."