The Surrogate

"I did. Until I found out what she'd been doing. Now I can't even think about sex with her without wanting to strangle her. When I masturbate I never fantasize about her. It's hot movie stars or a couple of women at work, or--" ducking his head, "well, you, actually."

She smiled again. "I should hope so! I'm a pretty good-looking lady, and you get to see me naked every week, and now playing with myself! You'd better fantasize about me, buster!"

They both laughed, and went to get cleaned up. He liked her and trusted her, and realized that he didn't feel so ashamed with her. She was good at her job, he thought.

In about a month he got so he could watch her play with herself and still maintain control, shortening or slowing his strokes or changing his grip, and go the full 15 minutes. It was hot as hell watching her get herself off. Once or twice when he imagined himself fucking her he still came too soon, but about 90% of the time he was fine.

When they moved to her jerking him off it was a big jump, and he had some quick ejaculations at first. She was back to being fully dressed, but her soft hands were still incredibly exciting. But with her steady encouragement and his practice at home, he was soon lasting 15 minutes, and enjoying the incredible pleasure of what she did to him.

Things progressed steadily after that. Her clothes came off again and she masturbated him naked. Then, for the first time, he touched her, playing with her breasts while she did him. THAT set him off within a minute the first time--but she reassured him, told him not to be surprised or unhappy.

They kept working on it; and by the six-month mark of his treatment, Marina and Michael were lying side by side, masturbating each other, their bodies rubbing against one another. It felt like the most exciting sex he'd ever had in his life. A few times he only lasted two or three minutes, but he was getting better and better at making it all the way to 15. And he adored making Marina come with his fingers, hearing her little whimpers, quite different from the sounds he was used to with Joanna.

She'd always say, "thank you baby, that was great," and give him a kiss on the cheek when he was ready to leave. One time she made sure they had "the conversation."

"Michael, I need to say something, though I'm sure you know it already."

"Okay?"

"Well, it's just... You can tell I have fun with you, right? I mean, I get very excited, and that's for real, nothing fake about it?"

He nodded, smiling, and she said, "and I'm fond of you. I think you're a really good person, and it makes me very happy that I'm helping you feel better about yourself, sexually.

"But ... but this isn't any sort of romance, okay? You're a client I like a lot, but you're still a client, not a boyfriend or a future boyfriend. And the sex we have can be fun, it can be really hot, but it's work, it's therapy."

She stopped, looking at him. He said, "I get it, Marina.

"Not that I couldn't ... I mean, I could certainly imagine falling in love with you. But I know that's not what's going on here. I like you, and you're sexy as hell! And you always treat me so, with such respect, you're so supportive.

"But I know what you're saying. I won't fall for you, I promise."

"Okay, Michael." She grinned at him. "Thanks for that. Now give me a hug, and off you go."

********************

Agnes Lufield said, "Joanna, you've told me parts of it--you've certainly said over and over again how sorry you are, how much you wish you hadn't had sex with Trevor, that you know you've hurt your husband terribly, that you're worried about your marriage.

"But we've been dancing around the real question a bit, the question of why you did it."

Joanna nodded, looking unhappy. Agnes was tall and skinny, with somewhat pursed lips that made her look a little prune-faced. She was probably in her early 50s and unmarried, judging from her bare left hand. She was not a very pleasant-looking person, but Joanna had realized nearly at once how smart she was.

"I've been thinking about this, Agnes. I know I've been ... kind of ducking it. And I guess I think it was ...

"Well, don't take this the wrong way--I'm not trying to dodge responsibility. I did this, I messed up my marriage. But it was kind of, well, almost the Perfect Storm. A bunch of things all came together at the same time and, I don't know, pushed me over the edge."

Agnes nodded. She was a good listener. She gave Joanna time, she paid close attention, and she didn't let her patient get away with anything.

"One thing was those conversations I've told you about with Lucy and Christine. They've been my best friends since high school and we tell each other pretty much everything. Only, they're both unmarried, and much less--I guess I should say much less uptight than I am.

"They love to talk about sex, like I've told you: their latest boyfriends, and who's good in bed, or uh ... you know, large?"

Agnes smiled. "Well-hung?"

Joanna nodded, obviously uncomfortable. "So, anyway, they love to tease me too, about how I'm the married lady who's getting all the sex I can handle, how great it must be to never be without a ... a hard penis--"

"You can say 'cock,' Joanna. I've heard it before.

"In fact we've talked about this, you and I. About how part of feeling more comfortable sexually is allowing yourself to talk about it the way adults do. Penis and vagina are perfectly nice words, and so is sexual intercourse. But it's okay for grown men and women to say cock and cunt, and fuck. And asshole and pussy. And blowjob..."

Joanna's face was beet-red, but she was laughing. "I know, I know! Okay, I'll try.

"So both Lucy and Christine have met Michael, of course, and they think he's a really nice guy. In fact all my friends love him, they're always telling me how lucky I am.

"But Christine started seeing a new guy named Dell, who apparently can, uh, go for a really long time? Without, you know, coming. And she just couldn't stop talking about him.

"She'd say, 'you know what I mean, right Joanna? That DELICIOUS feeling, when you KNOW you're gonna get off, because the guy is able to last forever. So you don't have to worry about 'ohmyGod I better hurry up and get my orgasm because he's gonna come any second!' You can just lie back and ENJOY it. I'm sure you know what I mean, with Michael? I mean, you old married guys are so used to each other....

" 'Anyway, Dell can fuck me for, I don't know, like half an hour! Nothing makes him come until he's ready! So I can twist and hump and move just the way I need to, and know that sooner or later I'm gonna get off like CRAZY!'

"And then Lucy just laughs and says, 'stop it Christine, we're both getting our panties wet here, aren't we Joanna?' And we all laugh--and I'm thinking, 'wow, I've never had anything like that in my life.' "

She leaned forward. "Because you know, Agnes, I've told you--Michael is just the opposite. He usually lasts about a minute; maybe longer if we do it a second time, but never longer than a few minutes. And I never once had an orgasm while we were, uh--"

"Fucking."

"Yes, fucking. Like I told you, he's always been great about making me come with his hands, or his ... with his mouth whenever I let him, which was usually only after I had a few drinks. Otherwise I was always too embarrassed to ...

"Let him lick your cunt." Agnes smiled.

"Yeah. I mean, I know it's ridiculous. When he, uh, licks me--when I let him--I always have a terrific orgasm. But it just feels dirty to me, and unless I'm a little drunk I'm always too ..." She shrugged her shoulders.

"Anyway--he's considerate and loving, and always satisfies me during foreplay, one way or another. But he ... comes so quickly, that I never even came close to having an orgasm while we were ... fucking. And listening to Christine go on and on about Dell, it made me wonder.

"It made me more than wonder--it made me feel cheated. I wanted some of that! I don't mean Dell, but orgasms from fucking. And so I was a little more impatient with Michael, not so supportive when he fretted about his premature ejaculation. I wasn't exactly mean or anything, but ... I stopped being so understanding."

Agnes said, "you mentioned a Perfect Storm. So, that was one thing: listening to Christine talk about her lover Dell. What else was there?"

Joanna said, "Michael brought home a, a penis-shaped vibrator once. A long time ago, maybe a couple of years. Because, like I said, he always wanted to please me, and he worried about ... about his not satisfying me during intercourse.

"But when I saw it just freaked! I mean, you know about my family and my upbringing--something like that is so far beyond the pale. And I was sort of mean to Michael about it, I felt bad afterwards. I acted like he was some sort of pervert for even bringing it home. And he got very quiet and just put it away somewhere, and we tried to make love that night but it didn't go very well.

"I apologized to him a couple of days later, but I know I hurt his feelings.

"Anyway, after all these conversations with Christine I remembered the vibrator, and one day when I was home alone I searched until I found where Michael had hidden it, wrapped up in a bag at the very back of a desk drawer, and I ..."

She looked abashed. "I tried it out. I pretended it was Dell, or some fantasy guy who could ... go for a long time, and I uh, fucked myself with it. I probably did it for an hour, and had a couple of the most amazing orgasms of my life!

"I've told you, I didn't know anything about masturbation growing up, and even as an adult I'd only done it a few times, feeling really embarrassed about it. But the vibrator just blew my mind! I mean I love the orgasms that Michael gave me, but to be able to come with this hard thing thrusting in and out, steadily, filling me...

"So for a few weeks I went sort of crazy. I kept it a total secret from Michael, and we were still having our regular sex a couple of times a week--but in secret I was making myself come with the vibrator at least that often, whenever I could sneak an hour. Sometimes when Amy was at school and Will was napping. And I was always fantasizing about some ... anonymous man, usually, like Christine's Dell, who could go and go and go ...."

"And during that time sex with Michael was more and more disappointing, as you can imagine. He'd use his fingers and make me come, and it was nice; and then we'd fuck and it would be over in such a short time, before I could get anywhere near working up to another orgasm. And I'd lie there and think about the vibrator, and my mystery man, and just wish that Michael could last longer.

"It had been that way for our whole relationship, but now it was bothering me much more than it ever had before."

Joanna went on to tell Agnes about how Trevor McDonald had joined the company at exactly that time. He was handsome and funny, very informal, and within a couple of weeks a lot of the women at work had the hots for him.

"So for a while he became my mystery man, when I was using the vibrator. And then I started to notice that he was flirting with me sometimes at work. We didn't work directly together so I didn't see him all that much, but there was no doubt--he'd wink at me or make a joke, or look into my eyes and tell me how the color of my blouse was perfect for my complexion. You know--not a pass exactly, but making no doubt he was interested.

"And nothing else happened, but I have to admit I loved it! I felt like a tired old married lady most of the time, with work and the two kids and the house and all, and here was this hot guy making clear how attractive he thought I was.

"And then came the week of the Company Retreat to Kentucky Lake. The founder of the company owns a big resort hotel down there, and every two years the entire company goes for a four-day weekend, with spouses but no children. It's really fun and a great getaway. Michael and I have been three times, and it's always really relaxed and romantic. We hang out with my coworkers but there's lots of time for, uh, private time. Making love, I mean.

"So we were planning to go, like always, and my parents were coming to stay with the kids. And then the Monday before, Michael came home and told me he couldn't go. His company got an emergency order from Japan, the biggest order in their history--like enough to triple their annual sales. And everyone was on 12-hour shifts and no days off for the next two weeks, including supervisors.

"I got kind of angry and we had a nasty fight about it. He was disappointed but didn't understand why I was so upset--it was his job and there wasn't anything he could do about it! So things got a little cold. And we didn't have sex, or cuddle or anything, between that day and Thursday when I left."

"And I'm guessing that your affair with Trevor started at the Retreat?"

Joanna nodded unhappily. "I was angry, and determined to have a good time. So I drank kind of a lot, and danced and flirted way more than I usually do. Nothing outrageous or slutty, but I guess I acted like a single woman.

"When I think back on it, I realize Trevor was very deliberate about it. At the Friday night dance he danced several times with me, but never too close, never took any liberties that I or anyone else would think were over the line. And I danced with a lot of other guys too.

"But he was always around, and he got me another drink a couple of times. And when a bunch of us were ready to go to bed, around maybe 1 am, he was part of a group of six or so that wandered back to where the hotel rooms were, and a couple of times he bumped his hand against my hip, just casually."

Joanna looked at Agnes. "And it felt electric. I still remember it. It was a turn-on, those casual touches.

"Anyway, when we got to my door there were still four of us, and Trevor and the other two people said good night and went on their way, and I kind of stumbled inside and sat on the bed for a minute. I was drunk, and a little turned-on. I finally stood up again and got undressed and brushed my teeth, and I was just coming out of the bathroom when there was a knock on the door.

"I looked through the peephole and it was Trevor. So I opened the door, a little confused, and he just stepped inside, closed the door and took me in his arms. He gave me a big kiss, holding me tightly, powerfully. And I was drunk and I just melted into it. We kissed and kissed.

"And then he just picked me up in his arms and carried me over to the bed and put me down. He stood over me and said, 'you want this too, Joanna, don't you?' And in no time he had his shoes and pants and shirt off and his big, uh, hard-on was sticking straight out at me.

"He got on the bed and took me in his arms and I could feel it pressing against my thigh, through my nightie. It was so hot! And he said, 'do you want me as much as I want you? You have to tell me, you have to say yes.' "

Joanna was looking down at the floor. "And I said, 'yes, yes I want you!' At that moment, I did. I was drunk, and his body turned me on, and I wanted to have sex with him. I wanted to fuck him!" She said it almost defiantly, lifting her head to look at Agnes.

"So I fucked him, or I guess he fucked me. He pulled my nightie off me and ran his hands all over me, and in no time he was up on top of me and his, his cock was pushing inside me.

"And I was so excited! He was the only man besides Michael that I'd ever been with. And he fucked me for a long time, just like my mystery vibrator man. I don't know how long, but I realized pretty soon that he wasn't like Michael, he wasn't going to come right away, so I relaxed and really got into it. And I had a fantastic orgasm with him--it built and built and then it just exploded all through me.

"And even then he didn't come! He rode me through it, and when I relaxed he smiled down at me, and we kissed, and then he fucked me for another little while until he came.

"And when he was done he lay with me for a little while, and then got dressed and kissed me goodnight and quietly left the room. And I lay there, exhausted and still pretty drunk and unbelievably satisfied. Not guilty yet, just sort of stunned.

"It wasn't until the next morning that the guilt started. I felt ashamed--dirty. I showered and scrubbed myself, I cried so hard I could barely cover it with my make-up. I was a slut! I was exactly the kind of woman my parents had always lectured me about!"

For the rest of the weekend Joanna had been pretty miserable. She was terrified of how Trevor would act when he saw her, but he smiled in the usual way and made no reference, however subtle, to what they'd done the night before. That eased her mind, and she somehow made it through the rest of the retreat.

When she got home she had a tearful reunion with Michael, apologizing for being so cold the previous week. They made love three nights in a row and she was sure that he was happy and unsuspecting, though for her the fucking was frustratingly brief, as always.

Agnes said, "you've always used the word 'affair', Joanna, not 'fling' or 'one-night stand.' So I'm assuming that your relationship with Trevor resumed at some point?"

"That's what I feel really ashamed about. A one-night thing, away from your spouse, too much to drink--all that is bad, but not nearly as bad as ... as what I did.

"I didn't have any intention of ever letting Trevor near me again. But I was, I was masturbating constantly, with the vibrator, reliving what we'd done and having amazing orgasms. I felt guilty about even doing that, but it didn't make me stop.

"And about five weeks later there was a sales conference downtown and nearly everybody in the company was there. I didn't go because I had some contracts to finish for one of the guys I report to, so I was working in what I thought was a completely empty office--nobody else around at all.

"And about 2:30 I looked up at the sound of footsteps and there was Trevor, giving me a big smile. He said he needed help with something in his office and asked me to come back there with him.

"I was suspicious, but ... but a little excited too, I guess. Even though I swore I wouldn't let anything happen. But when I came into his office he closed and locked the door behind me, and undid his pants. Just let them drop, and there was his ... cock, as big and hard as before.

"And he said, 'the last time was amazing, Joanna--I know it and you know it. You can walk out of here now and I won't stop you, or we can see if it will be even better this time.' And he came over and kissed me, but real gently, his dick poking me.

"I didn't say anything--but I didn't say No. I didn't unlock the door and run out of there. And I let him lead me over to the couch. He undressed me and pulled his shirt off and..."

She shrugged. "We fucked again. I was there with him maybe an hour and a half and we did it twice. And each time it was as incredible as the night on the retreat--it went on and on and I came really, really hard."

There were tears on Joanna's face. "And after that I was just lost. I felt guilty and awful; I felt like a prostitute. But I didn't stop.

"I saw him maybe six more times before Michael found out. We'd separately schedule long lunches outside the office and meet at his condo, which was only ten minutes away. Once or twice I told Michael I had to do some overtime and spent a couple of hours with Trev."

She grimaced. "The absolute worst was a Saturday. Trev talked me into it, but I didn't say no. Michael and I had planned a trip to the zoo with the kids, and the day before I lied to him, told him an FDA emergency report was due and a lot of money was riding on it and I had to work all day.

"And then I went to Trevor's condo and we had sex for six hours. We probably did it five times--in the shower, on his bed, once on his kitchen table. I was a total slut. It was like my honeymoon with Michael, except that I was a terrified virgin then, not open to trying much.