The Table

"But you said you love me. Always and forever."

"I do baby. I do. But I can't stay."

"Okay..." my voice is small and weak, defeat running rampant. Nothing I ever say makes her stay with me.

"Bye."

"One last kiss?"

"I shouldn't."

"Please?"

"Okay." Her lips come to mine, and I revel in their softness. This will be the last time, I can feel it. She's not coming back tonight.

"Goodbye honey."

"Always and forever, right?"

She smiles that soft smile again, the one I love. "Always and forever. Close your eyes baby."

"Okay." I shut my eyes, and she kisses my lips softly again. She murmurs always and forever on my lips and I smile.

I hear the door close. Keeping my eyes closed I wait for a few seconds, savouring that last kiss. Feeling her warmth.

Slowly I open my eyes. The house seems empty without her and I wish I could call her back. We had agreed to this, and I had promised. I had never broken a promise to her in all our time together and now I wanted to.

My conscience wouldn't let me. I had agreed.

I walked over to the mantelpiece and picked up her photo and gazed at the smiling eyes in the frame. Taken several years ago on my birthday, the day she got me Mr Darcy. I remember it even now, the cute meow when he struggled to escape his cardboard prison.

I had cried when I saw him, he was so cute and small, pitch-black fur with white socks for his feet I fell in love with him immediately. I knew what his name was going to be, I took one look at him and I called him Darcy, Mr Darcy.

She wasn't surprised, she knew how much I loved Pride and Prejudice and didn't even tease me when I chose the name. Mr Darcy became our baby. And I loved her all the more for providing me a furry son.

As if my thoughts conjured him, Mr Darcy curled himself around my legs, mewing loudly demanding his breakfast. Of course he was starving and he was risking imminent death each second I delayed. With a sigh I placed her photo back on the mantle.

Trailing a reluctant finger over her photo, I blew a kiss at her and turned to Mr Darcy. I bent down and he jumped into my arms, knowing it was breakfast time, he proceeded to butter me up, rubbing my face with his and purring like the little motor I guessed him for.

"Come on Mr Darcy, breakfast." With one final glance at the photo, my eyes lit upon the item next to it.

Tears came unbidden to my eyes and I purposefully turned my back on it. I hugged Mr Darcy close to my chest and sensing my need only gave the barest attempts at escape.

Carrying him into the kitchen, I placed him on the counter and grabbed his food and water dishes. Expensive cat food was spooned into his bowl and fresh water added.

With a smack of his thin lips, he set his mouth to the task of devouring the food I placed before him.

As I watched him eat, it called to me, and my eyes in a fit of petulance disobeys me, dragging themselves to gaze through the kitchen door. It leads straight into the living room. And I could see it staring back at me, a mocking glint in its eye.

Scowling I grabbed the kitchen door, intending to slam it shut, tell it to go to hell.

But my arm betrays me again. And my brain chooses to remind me of my promise to her.

Thinking of her always makes me smile, and I close my eyes again to picture her face again.

"Always and forever," I whisper.

When Mr Darcy is finished, I wash out the food bowl and add fresh water. Walking briskly back to my bedroom I take a quick shower and dress in loose sweats and cut-off t-shirt, hers, and I walked back to the living room.

Grabbing it and a few other bits I slip out of my kitchen into the medium sized garden that came with the house. If I walked through the gate at the back, it would lead me to a small river. Crossing the grass, the damp nipping at my naked ankles, Mr Darcy follows behind sedately.

It doesn't take me long before I'm at my destination and I sit on the back of my legs, hands resting on my thighs. I reach behind into my bag and pull it out. I unscrew the lid and inhale the aroma I pretend I can smell. It's supposed to be her, but it's not. This was nothing like her.

Mr Darcy sits beside me, quiet as a mouse, sensing what's about to happen and somehow knowing not to ruin the moment.

With a flick of my wrists, the contents float on the breeze, settling on the rippling water.

"Always and forever," I whisper.

"Always and forever," she whispers back.

I close my eyes one final time and sit listening to the sounds of nature. Hours pass, and only when I feel chilled do I stand, stretch and return inside.

I walked immediately to the phone and pick it up. I know I've been ignoring my messages and it was about time I returned some of them. Dialling from memory I was not surprised when it was answered on the first ring.

"Hello?"

"Hi, it's me."

"Hope, did you end it?"

"Yes, I did." I reply tearfully.

"When?"

"Just now."

"Oh honey... I told you I'd be there for you."

"I know you did, but I needed to do this on my own, she was here, she helped me get through it."

"Oh honey...," she cried with sympathy.

Her sympathy was what did me. The damn broke and tears coursed freely down my face. I sobbed hard and I could hear her startled gasp on the end of the line. "Oh honey...," she repeated. "Do you want me to come over?"

"Please... would you? I thought..."

"No... don't even say it. I'll be over in 5 minutes."

True to her word 5 minutes later, my door knocked and I opened it to a short round woman, the skin the colour of ebony.

"Hi Thea," we hugged and kissed softly and I ushered her inside. "Would you like a coffee?"

"Please." I led her into the kitchen. "How's it been?" she asked.

"So-so..."

"Hope..."

"I know, I know Thea. It's hard okay."

"I'm always here for you, you know that right?"

"Yes Thea, I know that, but sometimes I need just to be on my own."

"But you'll call me right, if you need?"

"Yes if I need."

"Thanks... do you want to show me?"

"Okay."

We walked in silence back down to my special bit of river.

"Here?" she asked, spotting where I had crouched down, the grass flattened by my weight.

"Yes."

"She would have liked this spot."

"I know." m

"I miss her."

"Me too."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, you couldn't help."

"But I should have."

"But you couldn't."

She grips my hand intently and stares into my eyes. "Doesn't stop me wishing though?"

"No..." I reply remembering this morning. "No it doesn't. I never stop wishing."

"Maybe one day?"

"Maybe." We stand in awkward silence, she used to fill in the blanks of our conversation and refused to let it die. I missed her. So much.

"Should we go back?"

"Yes. Maybe we should, it's getting chilly."

"Yes."

She links her arm in mind and leads me away from the solemn area. I take one more glance over my shoulder and smile my final smile. It is a beautiful place. Closing my eyes I memorise the scene before I turn back to Thea. She offers me an encouraging smile and a quick joke which has me laughing. Laughter is a foreign sound but I welcome it.

When Thea falls asleep in my arms, I look down at her dark hair and notice the differences between her and Thea. My best friend, my rock. My lover, my world.

Then I remember how she looked that morning, eyes regretful but loving.

And then I remember the scene by the river.

The sun was setting and a cool breeze ruffled the pink cherry blossoms, their fragrance scenting the air. Off in the distance I could hear the faint bark of a neighbourhood dog, the chirp and calls of nearby birds and the ripple of the river. It was soothing and peaceful.

Then I remembered the plaque. I can recall the words so easily and even now they tug on my heart strings.

RIP
Ruth Alice Jones
Beloved daughter, wife and mother.
1978-2008
Always and Forever my love.
Always and Forever

I take one more look back and she was standing there, smiling at me as if she knew I'd look. Her green eyes were bright with unshed tears. Ruth was always the teary one.

"Always and Forever." She mouths back to me. I nod, repeating her words.

I watched her until she fades in front of my eyes.

"Ready?" Thea poses the question gently, knowing that you can never been ready. But it has to be done.

"Yes." She takes me into the house, into our bedroom. I open the wardrobe and let her take over. She has the boxes ready.

When she folds the first t-shirt and places it inside the box I start to cry. She looks at me quizzically but I gesture back that I'm fine. It's just the emotion of the day catching up to me.

Hours later there is almost no sign that Ruth ever lived here, and I suppose that's for the best.

But if I close my eyes, I can hear the soft commands she gave me last night, the way she made me feel and how hard I came.