The Way Back Ch. 08

"But--"

I had had enough. I could have trotted the well-tried arguments, but I couldn't be bothered.

"We're divorced, Ann's decision. I'm with someone else. That's it."

It deflated them and before long they made their exit, hugging and kissing me with plenty of affection which was very pleasant. Then I was left to myself.

Unfortunately they had taken up all the quiet time in the pub; someone with a Neanderthal taste in music had fed the music machine and so I retreated in dismay. Back home I had the peace and quiet I needed to think.

Here was more information. Now I had some background to Ann's and my relationship as well as a little more insight into Ann's character. It clarified her intense anger at me before she knew the truth.

It clarified why she obstinately persisted in taking Derek's side, and believing him innocent against all the evidence. He was the underdog, he was needy and she went to his aid.

It also gave some insight into why she was conflicted between me and Derek. She had to be loyal to me; after all we had twenty years of committed marriage, but she also had two or more years of commitment to Derek, or perhaps more if their affair began before Derek's divorce. Our three children balanced his abject need of her, he was another child in effect. It was quite depressing.

While it helped me, this new information still left questions unanswered. I had still not found and talked with Derek's ex. But this wasn't the first distraction. More truths to come.

Jenny had not rung by eleven so I went to bed.

------

THIRTY-EIGHT

On Sunday morning I was reading the paper when the phone rang. It was Keith.

"Have you read my report?" he asked, getting straight to the point.

I suddenly remembered. "Damn, Keith, I saw it and meant to read it later. Then I forgot. My short term memory still plays up, not very often but enough."

"Well, could you read it now? Shall I come round: I'm in the area? Then we can talk."

"Is it bad, Keith?"

"That's the point, I don't know. It's puzzling."

"What's new? OK, come round."

I opened the envelope. I had felt something of a traitor asking him to check on Ann, but I had to know.

There was a catalogue of activities.

She had gone to see Derek on the Saturday afternoon when I left with the children for Wales. She stayed two hours and then left.

Nothing on the Sunday.

Monday she drove to his house and they went for dinner in the Altrincham restaurant where David and I had met them. They went back to his house and kissed quite passionately at the door, before going inside. She stayed all night, leaving early the next morning.

That evening Derek turned up at the house in Sale. Ann did not seem happy to see him. They argued on the step. She did not let him in. Then he left.

Wednesday he arrived at her offices and they went to lunch together. He took her back to the office and they kissed long and hard in the car before she entered the offices. Wednesday night she again went to his house and stayed the night. Only one bedroom was used, only one light came on. She could be seen in her bra crossing the window. Then she stopped with her back to the window and was taking it off. Again she left early, kissing him on the step before driving off.

Thursday night she went to dinner with David and Vivienne, and left hurriedly with a man, not Derek, whom she dropped off on the way. She slept alone that night. Derek arrived late that night and was hammering on the door. She did not answer. He kicked the door and drove off at speed.

Friday morning he was waiting for her. They argued in the garden for quite a while. She moved to go to her car and he grabbed her arm. She shook him off and was very angry. She drove off and he sat on the ground for a while. He seemed to be weeping. Then he got up and drove away. He seemed broken.

Friday night she went to David and Vivienne's again. She stayed the night and returned at lunchtime on Saturday, having been to the supermarket. Derek turned up about one o'clock, and they had another argument. Then they stood in silence. She kissed him briefly, turned him by the shoulders, and told him to go. Then he went. He looked dejected.

There the account ended. Keith, or one of his people had done a good job. In all the ambiguity this was truth as far as it went. Yet it seemed the relationship between Derek and Ann was unhappy and even desperate. Freed for a week from children and me, Ann had certainly used the time fully with him. And yet, they had arguments.

My musings were interrupted by the doorbell and Keith entered.

I offered and he asked for tea. Then we sat together.

"I want to expand on the report," he said.

"Go on." I said, as we both sat back and relaxed.

"No much to tell. It's nuances really. Easier to talk about than write. What you've got there," he gestured at the report I was holding, "are the facts. But not everything."

"I don't follow."

"Let me work through it. When she left Fanshaw's house that first time on Saturday, she looked worried, concerned. In fact she stopped and turned as if to go back. Then she decided otherwise and went.

"At the restaurant he looked lovingly at her but she was looking everywhere but at him. He was trying to convince her of something, his gestures during the meal showed he was arguing a point. She did not react or reply as far as I could see. I saw the kiss and she did give as good as she got. One bedroom light, but that doesn't mean much.

"I wasn't there in the morning but I got a female colleague to get there early. She said that Ann left very early, probably before Derek was awake. She had showered and done her make up, she said.

"Now here we get into conjecture. My colleague said she could tell by the look on a woman's face if she'd had wild sex all night. They looked, so to say, well fucked -- somehow emanating sexual satisfaction. Ann left like a married woman. She might have been leaving her own flat or house after a good night's sleep. So either she didn't have sex or it was not mind blowing.

"When he turned up at Ann's house my male colleague said she was very surprised, those were the words he used, that Derek should be there at all. She was angry with him, folded her arms and stood in the doorway. He tried to push past her but she wouldn't budge. Nick couldn't hear what they were saying, but her tone was reproach, his tone was pleading. This went on for about half an hour. He was arguing, she was taking it and seemed to be waiting for him to get tired and go, which he eventually did.

"When they got back from lunch on the Wednesday, she did not seem to be repelling him any more. They kissed like lovers do, quite unrestrained. She was quite dishevelled when she got out of the car, straightening her skirt and blouse. She looked worried.

"You see why this can't go in a report, it's too subjective, but don't forget my colleagues and I see many couples in a year. We see their expressions and actions and we've got quite good at reading them."

"I accept that," I said. I poured him another mugful of tea. "Go on."

"That night, she arrived at his house. She let herself in at dinner-time. They had something to eat on their patio. Very relaxed. I watched them. They went in arm in arm. At about eleven, the bedroom light went on, and as I said in the report she crossed in front of the window. She stopped and was taking off her bra. I think she was taking it off for him. It was the way she did it, like a striptease.

"My female colleague said that next morning she left in exactly the same way as previously, except that Derek saw her off at the door. She kissed him on the cheek and left. Again she didn't look as if she'd had a wild night or that she'd even had a good time. In fact she looked a bit drawn, almost sad. She did not wave to him or look back.

"You will have to ask David what happened at the dinner, but she was very upset when she left. She drove home and from the lights in the house she went straight to bed. Then Derek arrived; he was very agitated. He rang the bell, hammered on the door, threw stones at the window. She did not come down, though I'm sure she knew he was there, he made that much noise.

"He did go, but my female colleague arrived at five and he was already there waiting for Ann to come out. When she did he ambushed her. My colleague said it was a classic dumping argument. She had dumped him and he was heart-broken. He was begging her, by turns angry and aggrieved. She told him it was over and he wouldn't accept it. She heard the words as well as the tone of voice this time.

"It seemed that she didn't want to go home that night and took refuge with David and Vivienne. She didn't escape though, he arrived at lunchtime on Saturday. I was there. He argued with her again and she refused to listen. Eventually his shoulders sagged and that was when she took him by the shoulders and kissed him. Then she turned him round and pushed him away. And he went. She began to weep and went indoors. He left in his car.

"So that's it, Allan, We had a conference and we think Ann took the week to finish decisively with Derek. It has all the marks, she led him to it gently, though one of us found her early activities uncertain, as if she kept wanting to finish and then went back on it. It was after David and Vivienne's that she really finished with him, no going back then.

"Really Allan, it's been like a teenage soap-opera. I think it's finally over between them."

I sat for a while. "Thanks Keith. I still feel bad about spying on her. I don't know why I did it."

"You needed to know whether your ex-wife is still with Derek. You should know why that's important to you. Can't help you there. She's a really beautiful woman and you were very much in love before you went. Who knows but you?"

"Gee thanks," I responded quite sarcastically. "Perhaps she finished with Derek because of this other man."

"Other man?"

"The one she went home with from David's."

"Oh yes," he said. "That's the other thing you need to know. I hesitated to bring it up because it wasn't in the brief and therefore not relevant."

"Yes?"

"That first evening Ann had dinner with David and Vivienne. Your PA, Jennifer, arrived for the evening as well. With a man."

"Oh, that's interesting. I wonder who?"

"Can't help there, Allan. But she arrived with the man who went home with Ann. They arrived by taxi and went up the drive arm in arm, with her head on his arm. At the door they kissed at some length before she rang the bell."

I stared at him.

"Sorry Allan. I thought you were with her and you should know."

I shook myself. "Thanks Keith, you're a good friend."

"You're welcome."

Jenny arrived at four. She just breezed in as if there was nothing wrong. But there was. She knew I was home Saturday afternoon yet she did not phone to see if I was in. Sunday she arrives mid-afternoon as if that was what we arranged. But we didn't.

I had heard her key in the lock, and sprang up, grabbing my own keys and the car keys. She came in and I passed her in the hallway. She smiled and went to the bedroom.

"Glad you could make it eventually," I shouted. "Make yourself at home." And I was gone.

I drove away, not knowing where I was going. As I drove my mobile phone rang. I knew who it was. Too bad. I don't use a mobile when driving, it was not illegal then; it is now, and I'm glad. I drove to David's. The phone rang a number of times then stopped.

I stopped outside David's. Then I realised I was being childish. I phoned the flat.

"Jenny--" I began.

"Allan," she was crying, "I'm so sorry, I should have phoned you. Please come home. I need to talk with you."

"OK," I said.

I arrived in the flat. She was in her underwear. It was sexy underwear: half-cup lacy bra, lacy boy-shorts, black thigh-highs, and over all a sheer negligee. She was smiling shyly. I was not smiling. Her expression changed to worry.

"What's the matter, darling?" she asked.

"Where've you been?" I asked coldly.

She blushed, saying nothing. I could tell she was uncomfortable standing there in sexy things to turn me on and I wasn't interested and angry.

"I think you'd better get dressed," I snapped.

She stared at me. Opened her mouth to say something then went to the bedroom. I sat down. After a while she emerged fully dressed.

"Well?" I said.

She sat down on the sofa. "It's my uncle."

"What? Has he been at you again? I thought he'd left for good years ago?" The thought struck me; surely he couldn't have taken her to David's?

"Let me tell you, please?" she begged. "On Wednesday Mum phoned me. Uncle John had had a stroke and was in hospital. It was severe, He couldn't speak and he was paralysed down one side, his right. Mum said he wanted to see me. She said it would finally exorcise the demons. So I went yesterday.

"I was terrified going into the ward but I couldn't find him. Then the nurse pointed me to him. Allan, he seemed much smaller than I remembered. Perhaps it was old age I suppose.

"I just stood by the bed staring. He looked at me and made sounds as if he was trying to talk. His left hand pointed to the bedside chest. There was a piece of paper there. There was one word, obviously written by his left hand; very shaky. It just said 'sorry'. I looked at him and he was crying. He looked so ashamed.

"I can't believe myself but I hugged him and kissed him, and told him I forgave him. Allan, if it hadn't been for you I couldn't have done that. I felt totally free for the first time. He smiled a crooked smile, and still looked guilty, as well he might.

"I sat with him and told him everything, how he'd damaged me, how I couldn't make relationships until you came along. How the attempted rape in Canada led to you saving me. He listened. Finally he smiled and looked relieved.

"Early this morning, I got a call from the hospital. He'd had a second stroke and hadn't got long. I went to the hospital and joined Mum and Dad round his bed. He was unconscious, but I held his hand and stroked it. About eleven o'clock he gently slipped away.

"So I went home with Mum and Dad and we talked it through again. They weren't sure what to do about him, we're his only relatives, so I went over the jobs that needed doing, undertaker, death certificate etc."

"Oh," I said. What else could I say?

"Allan, you were angry when I got here. I should have phoned you."

"No, you were too busy. I was miffed that you hadn't called but I jumped to conclusions."

"Why would you do that?" she asked, suddenly worried again.

"Something I found out. I got Keith to keep an eye on Ann over the week. He was watching Ann arrive at David's last Tuesday."

Now she looked guilty, but said nothing.

"Who is he?" I said. It was not really a question, and she knew it.

"Peter, Ann's brother."

"Good bye." I snapped.

"Allan..."

"Goodbye." I repeated.

Again she opened her mouth, then realised it was a bad idea and left.

I was angry, then dejected, then I felt guilty.

I had enough on my plate, and I thought Jenny was my anchor. Peter! Well, I had pointed her in his direction. In fact he would be good for her and she certainly would be good for him.

It was the suddenness of the revelation and the fact that by omission she had lied to me. She was seeing him before I went away with the children. I knew that, I had detected that subtle change in her.

Then came the phone call. Susan, Geoff's wife.

"Allan, I have a distraught woman here. What have you done?"

"Ask her."

"Please talk to her, Allan."

"I don't talk to people who lie to me, or who cheat on me. I'm rather sensitive on the matter. When she needed me I gave her what she needed. She knew that I don't do casual relationships and that I'm a little sensitive about being cheated on."

"Allan, she's feeling guilty. Please."

"So she should," then I relented. "If she's fit to drive back here, I'll wait." I disconnected.

-------

THIRTY-NINE

Here was another complication to my life. I had thought that I had at least one secure relationship I could rely on. Now that was coming to an end. There was no way I would stay with Jenny if she'd begun another relationship.

As with Trish, I always suspected that a time would come when Jenny would need a more compatible lover, in age at least. She deserved to settle down and have children and I was too old to start all that again. No, it was over. The thought depressed me severely. I would have to fight my battles alone from now on.

Jenny let herself into the flat. She entered the room. I could see her eyes were red from crying. I didn't feel very cheerful myself. She sat down opposite me.

"I'm sorry," she said.

I looked at her. "That's a little vague, let me say something before you start explaining yourself."

She nodded, looking wretched.

"Since I returned from the dead to Sale, I've been deceived and lied to. The only people I thought I could trust were David, Colin and Keith, but even more than them, Trish and you. To a certain extent I still feel insecure and uncertain of myself because my memory is only slowly returning, and some things are never going to come back. You knew that.

"You needed solid support after the abuse you suffered. I gave you that support. If you wanted to count the number of times I've said 'but I'm with Jenny now', you'd run out of fingers and toes.

"But you're not the only person who needs solid support. I need it too. I relied on you being truthful and honest with me. Now that's been shaken. Let me quote from what Keith told me.

"'They got out of the taxi, and she tucked her arm in his as they walked up the drive, her head on his shoulder. At the door they kissed long and hard before she rang the bell.'"

Jenny looked aghast. She had not expected such graphic description of her activities. I continued.

"What I want from you now... No, what I need quite desperately from you is the absolute truth with no prevarication or euphemisms and certainly no evasion. I think after what I've done for you it's the least I can expect. Yes?"

"Yes," she said quietly.

"So," I said, "Tell me the whole story."

She nodded and steeled herself.

"Please believe me Darling, I never meant to hurt you. I never meant you to find out like this. I was going to tell you when you came back in any case. I was going to talk it through with you.

"It all started when he came round with Ann that Sunday. We had to make ourselves scarce while you two talked, and so we were together for quite a while. He was very shy, but by the end of the time he'd got more confidence and by then I knew he was a really nice man. A real man not a wimp, he kept looking me over though I affected not to notice. I was attracted to him. I gave him my phone number and he gave me his. He looked so happy!

"Well he rang me and we went out for a meal one night when I didn't come round to you."

"When you were 'doing your washing' or 'going out with friends.'" I snapped. She coloured up.

"Yes, you're right. It was wrong to lie like that. I don't want to justify it. I think I felt it was wrong to be with him at all and I didn't want to hurt you. He was nice to talk to and you were immersed in the Derek business. That's no excuse I know.

"Anyway we got to meeting a few times and then he told me he was falling in love with me. I think I was shocked because it brought it home to me that I was beginning to feel the same way. I looked forward to the next time I could be with him, but I felt I owed you my loyalty after all you'd done so I didn't tell you. Sorry. I should have."

"So all we've had is what you 'owed' me?" I asked.

"No Allan, don't be silly," she said, quite calmly now. "I love you very much and I always will. I've kept Peter at arm's length but gradually we've become closer. We kiss. We walk hand in hand. He puts his arm round me. We talk together for hours.