The Widower

"If it makes it any easier... I forgive you."

"That doesn't help; I'd rather take your hate and keep some of you. Nothing makes it easier if I don't get you back some way. My only bright spot is the kids; I love them to bits and think I'm making a difference to them."

"I would imagine you are, you were always a fantastic mother and our two turned out well."

"That was more due to you; you're a great dad and unlike me didn't throw away a good marriage. My relationship with David was wrong from the start and it was all due to one stupid mistake."

"You know it was far more than that, it was numerous mistakes, lies, trust, disrespect, selfishness. Even now you think it is my fault for not forgiving a minor error. Take responsibility for your own fuck ups for once, own it and move on."

"I know, I know... it's easier if I try to make out it wasn't all my own fault; if I shift some of the blame onto you or David."

"You should try and make it work with David. If we don't stop it will end up with the kids getting hurt."

That comment hit home to Judy, she could be reckless with actions impacting her and David, but the kids were a different matter.

"Ok Bill, I give up! I'll always love you but I'll stop now. Let me know if you ever need me and I'll be there."

***

Things settled down after that. Judy was making a go of it with David and was constantly busy with the kids. Bill Judy and David became remarkably polite when they ran into each other. Bill wondered if David knew about him rejecting Judy's advances. He still felt pangs of regret when he saw Judy, especially when she was with the kids, there was such a strong resemblance to their former life together.

Bill was trying to date but having limited success, he was hoping to find a new partner, someone to share his life with, but it was proving difficult. It was hard to even thinking about starting again with someone. The dates he did have were mostly awkward; he thought it might be him more than the women, although it seemed some wanted immediate marriage while others just wanted a fuck. It felt transient with limited time to build a relationship, and those looking to do that just didn't click with him. He mused that if he put all of his requirements into app for a partner, knowing his luck Judy's name would pop out.

***

Things change dramatically when David was involved in a car accident coming home from work; he was seriously hurt when a truck ploughed into him at a junction

Judy was distraught, trying to juggle the kids and seeing David in Hospital who was in critical care. It was her friend Christine who offered to help and then she enlisted Bill to sort some of the practicalities. Together they freed up Judy's time to spend at the hospital, she was there a week later when David finally succumbed to his injuries.

Before they had time to grieve, Social Services were suddenly involved and asking questions about the children's welfare. Judy was in a complete panic, trying desperately to explain that even though she wasn't a blood relative, she was the only person who knew them and could care for them. The kids worked out what was happening and had to deal with the grief of losing their father and the very real prospect of being taken into care.

She confided in Christine and Bill that she was scared; the kids were struggling badly with the loss of both parents, and she wasn't the best at coping with a crisis. Bill had always been the steady one, gently offering support and advice and just knowing the right thing to do.

"I am really sorry Bill. I know I have no right to ask and you hated David, but I need help with the childr..."

Bill interrupted, "I would never take that out on the kids. It's horrific what they are having to deal with, one parent is bad enough but both is unfathomable. No child should be asked to go through what they have."

So there it was: could he walk away...he didn't think so. He wasn't sure what he could do but he offered to support the kids in any way he could.

Judy burst into tears, "I'm struggling, unless I can convince Social Services I am the best option for them they might get taken into care. I don't think there are any other relatives but if there are, they might want custody.

"You are the best option for them, we just need to demonstrate that. Remember Social Services will focus on what is best for them and they will take into account what the kids want. If we need to, we'll involve lawyers but for now try to work with them, address their concerns and show them how much you love the children."

And that's what they did, the concerns were mainly about Judy's relationship with the children and support mechanism's both she and the children had. Bill supported Judy through the assessments and endless questions about being a single parent at her age and the complexities of looking after children who weren't her own. No other relatives could be tracked down and there were no God parents. Thankfully the children's own wishes were listened to, that along with the familiarity of both home and school environment won the day.

Insurance payments meant there were no financial concerns. Christine and Bill continued to help with the practical things and paperwork taking the burden off Judy who focused on the children. The neighbours surprised to see Bill making the effort pitched in, especially with school drop offs and making sure their own kids involved them with everything in the neighbourhood. Bill received a call from Judy late at night panicking that she had heard something in their yard. He went around and checked the placed out, reassuring the kids, he even slept on the couch to make them feel safe. The following day he organised for both a home alarm and a camera system to be installed.

After a couple of months Bill got both of the kids involved with the local junior football club, it was a great distraction which they took to immediately. He took things slowly, mainly in response to their requests.

***

Several months later, Judy and Bill stood at the side of a pitch watching Keith play football, he's just moved up to the Under 11's.

"Your extra coaching is making a difference; he is having a great game."

"It's all him, he has some talent, I just give him a few pointers. Not like those lot down there."

They turned to witness a group of parents idiotically berating 10-year-olds to do better, shouting over the top of the coaches. Bill frowned as one parent urged his child to 'get rid' of the ball.

"Thanks for everything over the last few months Bill, you've been such a good friend to them, they both look up to you, I just get to do all the running about."

"Nonsense, they love you to bits. They are just acting like normal kids, ignoring their mum at times is natural. That's a good thing, considering everything they have gone through. Anyway you are doing yourself a disservice; you never even hesitated after David's accident, you put those kids before yourself, stepped up and looked after them."

"I couldn't have done it without you and Christine. You've helped so much Bill and it's not just them, you've looked after me as well when I had no right to ask."

Bill shrugged awkwardly.

You could be more Bill; you're such a good dad and a good husband. I've never stopped loving you; could... would you ever consider that...being more I mean. I know you can't love me like before, but I would take whatever you could offer."

"You don't want to live like that Judy. Give it time, there will be someone else someday when you are least expecting it."

"There will never be anyone like you; even part of you is my best option. I was never in love with him... I am so sorry; it wasn't fair to either of you."

"I've already forgiven you; weirdly I think that did help me. People said it would, but it sounded like a load of crap to me. I think it did help though; maybe you need to forgive yourself.

Bill pondered his own statement, had he really forgiven Judy or was it just words? He suspected that deep down he hadn't, what she had done was just wrong, it wasn't his pride or ego.

"I can't forget..."

"I know! So maybe we don't try to... neither of us should forget it. Remembering that will make it absolutely certain that I could never repeat those actions. So don't forget but try and build something new as a family, we all need you."

For the first time in a long while Bill found himself considering all of the good things Judy did rather than the bad; realising that he actually admired her. It was a feeling he recalled from years previously when they had first dated. The way she focused and took cared of the children was faultless. She had changed or maybe changed back and was completely selfless about them. The way she had cared and protected them was truly astonishing. Could she focus on him as well as the kids or would history repeat itself? Then there was the fact she tried so very hard to get him back and had consistently proclaimed her love for him, despite his repeated rejections.

The endless 'what ifs' were driving him crazy, thinking about the old stuff and speculating about future scenarios wasn't helping, He tried to focus on the now, she is an amazing mum, they get on well, she weirdly likes most of his bad habits, she is infuriatingly attractive without seeming to make much effort, and he still loved her.... shit! The sudden realisation hit him hard.

He knew he had to be sure for the kids' sake. That was another consideration: could he be a good step-dad and did he want to be. He already knew the answer to those two questions. He loved spending time with them and he felt they wanted and needed him. He realised he liked that, having their back was important to him. Could he rely on Judy to do the same for him.

***

The pretty young girl 'Amy' was on stage collecting her degree, watched in admiration by her parents."

Judy turned to Bill, "We did it, do you think we have earned a rest yet?"

"Yeah like that is going to happen, both Mark and Bethany are lining you up to look after the grandkids on their way."

"I'm sure we will manage."

Judy was lost in thoughts about their years together, some tears escaped her eyes.

"Thank you for giving me the second chance Bill. I have always loved you and still do."

Bill turned and kissed her gently, "I love you too."