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'Hasn't she read my letter? Doesn't she understand how much I want this? Her? Us?'
Ian mumbled some excuse to his mother to get away and think. He walked out of the living room, down the hall and into the pool room. The indoor pool had been built for him as a gift when he turned 10. His mother called him her 'water baby,' because that was his passion. No one seemed to understand the reason behind his infatuation with a body of water. For when he threw himself into the water, all of his worry and stress where gone. Instead all he felt was freedom, the weightlessness in his limbs. It was just liberating. He wanted to experience that feeling more than anything at that moment. Running his hands over his face, he tried to rein in his temper.
'I don't understand. Why doesn't she see? I'm the man that loves her. I'm the one that she should talk about to my mother. ME!'
Ian blindly struck out; hitting the dense wall. It cracked a bit, and small paint chips fell to the floor.
'Fuck, mama is going to kill me for that.'He resigned himself for the long scowling lecture he would receive. Then to the fact that she would be sending him out to the hardware store so he could fix the damage.
"Before I do anything else. I first need to have a long conversation with a certain someone." Marching out of the pool room, he headed straight for the den.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 8 years agoi rather have a good story with intricate characters and a strong plot with a few grammatical errors than to have a lousy and weak bbc story written perfectly...patiently waiting for the next chapter...thank you!
Comentarista82almost 9 years ago...just get the grammar checked, as it continues to unnecessarily distract (e.g., "He had to think of ways to woe her" instead of "He had to think of ways to woo her").
Otherwise gripping story and you can feel Ian being slowly roasted over an open fire.
Anonymousover 9 years agoI wasn't going to say anything but guys please stop with the editors and stuff... Its notlike you don't know wat she wants to say..
Anonymousalmost 10 years agoAs a someone before me stated, think about finding an editor. Keep a close eye on if you're using present or past tense.You seem to use them interchangeably-- especially in Chapter 4/5. Sometimes it's as if things have already happened, and we're hearing about them from a second party. Sometimes it's as if they're happening in the moment, and we're experiencing them first hand. You often mix up words like to and too or admission and emission. Inconsistency appears in this chapter. One moment the men are in the den playing hockey, and the next, Samantha is saying she hates soccer. Just get another set of eyes on these before you post. It's always easier to edit someone else's work than your own. The story is intriguing and holds weight. Just work on the grammatical errors.
