There and Back Again Ch. 140

"Can you tell us what you mean when you say you are also Vander?"

He fixed me with an unblinking gaze. "Vander's essence is within this mind, just as my own is. I have access to his knowledge and memories."

I tried to suppress the horror I felt - or at least keep it from showing on my face. "But you have control of his body? It is you speaking to us, not Vander?" He nodded. "So he is trapped in there? A prisoner? Can he hear us?"

Justice shook his head, expression almost...frustrated. "It is not like that. He is not listening, not a separate being. If anything...it would be like he was asleep. I know what he knew, but I am also Justice. We are one and the same."

I tugged a lock of my hair roughly. "Can you...are you able to tell how he feels, or would have felt, about things?"

"His emotions are my emotions, it seems. So yes, in some way, I can."

"And how does...how would he feel about sharing his body with you? About you being the one with control?"

He seemed to think about it for a moment, eyes going distant and vague, and I wondered if he was trying to ask Vander or just combing through his memories. "Perhaps there is some difference between us. From what I know about Vander, he would have found this situation infuriating, however I do not feel his irritation."

Zevran muttered something in Antivan under his breath, and though I couldn't understand him, the sentiment was clear - Justice wasn't irritated, because it did not bother him. He wasn't the one whose body had been stolen.

"Tell me this, then, my unusual spirit," Zevran finally asked in Common. "How do you feel about humans? As opposed to elves, say."

Justice tilted his head curiously, and for some reason the gesture gave me the creeps. If he's a spirit, how does he know people often cock their heads when they're confused or surprised? I yanked my hair again, until Alistair reached up and took my hand, gently untangling the brown strands and tucking them behind my ear before lacing his fingers through mine.

"I...Vander feared humans. Shems, he would call them. He had many reasons."

"But do you? Fear or hate them?"

"No. I have watched the human souls trapped in the Fade for a long time. I am not afraid, though at times since we merged I have found myself...suspicious."

"So you do have separate emotions, but his...bleed through?" I was fascinated, but also horrified. And we did need to know how much Vander's anger would transfer over. Maybe Anders' transferred over more because Anders was in control and Justice the passenger?

"I do not know. Perhaps."

"Do you know Vander's reasons for being afraid of humans?" Aedan asked. Justice blinked, looking away, and then refocused on my brother and nodded. "Would you tell us?"

"Only if...only if you think Vander wouldn't have minded," I cut in. I can't seem to stop talking about him like he's dead - though he might as well be, for all the impact he can have on his own life at this point. "I think it's important we respect his wishes and not divulge information he would have preferred to keep to himself."

Justice thought again, longer this time, and finally nodded. "I believe Vander, had he learned to trust you, would have come to tell you himself. I have no reason not to trust you, Commander; you gave those people justice and have treated me fairly despite the situation we are in." He took a breath, prompting me to wonder if Justice, inside Kristoff's corpse, would have needed to breathe, and then to wonder whether remembering to breathe was difficult for a spirit unused to the physical demands of a body. He does forget to blink a lot - I wonder if his eyes get dry?

I was interrupted in my musing when Justice, his voice somewhat muted compared to the almost booming I'd become used to, began to speak. "I will attempt to start at the beginning..."