There and Back Again Ch. 158

I closed my eyes, in breathless anticipation of what he would say next - that he was sick of chasing me, maybe. My eyes fluttered open again when he pulled back slightly, pressing his forehead down against mine, cupping my cheeks in his hands. His face was pinched, his eyes strained, like he was in anguish. I stuttered out a sob, trying to get out an apology, an excuse, something, but he put a finger over my lips to stop me.

"I don't blame you. After all, I did leave you. I set the precedent, and I guess this lack of trust isn't entirely unearned." He looked so...disappointed. I opened my mouth to object, and the finger on my lips became an entire hand. I stopped, and he continued. "But it still hurts, Sierra. I thought...I wanted us to be past this." He pulled back and kissed my forehead. "Tomorrow I'll be up to trying again. I'll find a way to prove it to you. I'll earn your trust, one way or the other, because I will never leave you again. Not if you turn into a homicidal ghoul and start eating our friends. Not if you sleep with every man in the Keep. Not if we are never able to have children and it's all your fault. Never. I'm with you to the end. But I...it's too much. I just need one night to put this pain back where it belongs. Tomorrow is a new day, a new start. I will try again. But for tonight...I just, I need to..." He couldn't seem to explain it, but his yearning glance at the door to our suite made it clear.

He wanted to be away from me.

He finally stepped back, withdrawing his hands and his warmth. I couldn't look away from his anguish-stricken face; I wanted to stop him, to hold him, to explain...

Explain what, dumb ass? He's not wrong. After Denerim...in Amaranthine...and now. You ran. You made this bed, Sierra, and now you're lying in it - alone.

All that escaped me was a whine, a denial - of what I'd done, of what he was about to do. He wiped his face with his arm, smiled sadly, told me to wait one second, and stalked off into our bedroom. I stayed put, unable to do anything, trapped in the dismay of what I'd done.

He was back in a moment, a dark bundle in his hands. I couldn't spare a thought for what it might contain, too busy staring at his face and hoping he could see my sincere remorse there. He paused in front of me, reaching out a hand as though to touch me, before sighing and dropping it again. "This isn't me leaving you. You understand that, right?"

I nodded; he hunched his shoulders, turned, and walked out the door.