There and Back Again Ch. 029-030

"Zevran is a nice guy. He's funny, and attractive, and he is actually loyal once he decides to be. But he's also mercenary, doesn't see what's wrong with assassination as a career, and only cares about the big picture as it relates to him. He's committed to ending the Blight, but only because Aedan is. And being near him is eventually going to get dangerous. The Crows won't ever stop hunting him, and I am not willing to live my life like that - either on the run or at war. I wouldn't be with him even if I did see him that way. He is my friend, I hope, but nothing more.

"Besides, he's also rather...taken."

"Taken with what?"

"Not with, by. And not what, whom. And if you haven't noticed by now, I'm not ruining it for you."

"Huh?"

I giggled. "Nevermind."

His smile didn't quite reach his eyes. "And me?"

I looked up, startled, and quickly looked away again, hiding behind my hair. "Alistair..."

"I've heard you say that you'll never be with anyone from Thedas. You've given your reasons for the others; I'm curious what your reasons are with me. I'm neither your brother nor father, I'm not an assassin, and while I may be in danger, anyone with me wouldn't be. I'm not a woman, a golem, or a Qunari. So...why not me?"

"I can't-"

"Please? I really need to know. Please tell me?"

"I'm trying, but you keep interrupting me!"

He looked sheepish again.

"It's not about you, Alistair. Between us...it's about me. I can't..." I struggled with the words. "I can't do that to you. Look. I'm not so arrogant to assume that you would even want to be with me. But even if I knew, absolutely, that you did...I don't know how long I have here. Maybe I can stay, but I could be yanked back any time, never to be seen again. I don't know who I am, where I belong. I'm still half convinced I'm just crazy and you don't really exist. If you fall-" I swallowed thickly. "If you fall in love with me, what will it do to you if I disappear and never return? What would that do to me?" I didn't add the concern about what would happen to me after his Calling came. It hurt too much to even think about it.

"And besides. You may not want to be, but you're the heir to the throne. Anything happens to Cailan, and it's all you. You need to marry someone who can provide noble heirs to the Theirin line. Legitimate ones, with noble mothers everyone recognises. And even if somehow you weren't, it hardly works out well for you politically if I disappear in the middle of a dinner party. And I don't think you having a relationship with some unstable, universe-hopping pseudo-templar will go over well in Weisshaupt, do you?"

"So the answer is, I can't. Even assuming you had the slightest desire to be with me, I can't." I reached up and touched his face, my finger over his lips, preventing him from saying anything. I smiled sadly, stood up carefully, and walked away, leaving the finished belt behind.

I carefully avoided being alone for the rest of the evening, denying any chance at getting drawn into the same conversation with Alistair again. I felt his eyes on me from across the campfire and tried not to return his stare. I crawled into bed without a word, letting a couple of silent tears trickle down my cheek. When Aedan came to bed, he had no idea what had happened, but seemed to know something had; he held my hand, and didn't sneak out to be with Zevran.Or maybe he just thought the werewolves would try to eat him if they caught him sneaking...