There and Back Again Ch. 039-040

I smiled at him, trying to draw him out, even a little. "So the question remains. What would you like to do now?"

Chapter Forty: Dazed and Confused

I agreed to give Dariel some time to think about his options, and headed back to the fire. Alistair tried to hold me in his lap, but plate isn't very comfortable for sitting on, and my butt was soon numb. Despite that, I could feel myself drifting off to sleep with every lull in the conversation, and even Alistair looked a bit droopy. Zevran and Leliana had gone back to sleep in their respective tents, and I talked Alistair into joining me in ours for a nap. He reluctantly removed his armour -- he looked like he'd decided never to take it off again after being caught in an ambush in just clothes, but I whined until he complied -- and we curled up on our adjoining bedrolls, Alistair spooned behind me, holding me with his chest pressed up against my back.

His breathing smoothed out to a soft, regular rhythm as he fell asleep, but despite my exhaustion, I found my mind spinning. Between wondering what other ugly surprises we were in for in Denerim, wondering what Dariel would decide, and the butterflies in my stomach from sleeping in the arms of the most gorgeous man in all of two worlds, it took me a while to drift off. When I finally did, I was plagued by guilt-ridden dreams of standing over Dariel's corpse, bloody knife in my hand, with all of my friends staring at me in horror, and all I could say was 'I didn't really mean it...'

I woke to Alistair crushing me to his chest, stroking my hair with one hand, shushing me. I gasped as the dream faded, and then settled down to sob for a couple of minutes until the horror subsided as well. When I explained my dream, he pulled me closer again and kissed my forehead. Somehow I'd been turned the opposite way so I was facing him, and I marveled at his strength again. He didn't tell me it wasn't my fault, didn't try to tease me about it; he just held me until I cried myself out. Once the shuddering stopped, he leaned in and kissed me; it wasn't passionate, like in the night, but just warm and loving and comforting.

"You're really quite perfect, do you know that?" I smiled at him as he hovered over me, stroking my face with his fingers.

"You're biased." He grinned at me. "But I don't mind."

"What time is it, do you suppose?"

A sudden, loud growling noise took me off guard, but Alistair laughed and patted his stomach. "Dinner time, I'm guessing."

I giggled and sat up, looking around the tent for some clothing that was a little bit more appropriate than the nightgown I'd wandered around in all morning. Alistair was strapping on his armour, and I grinned but avoided teasing him. I figured it would take him a while to relax and drop his guard again, though that was probably a good thing. It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you. I sighed and hauled over my own armour, shooing Alistair out of the tent so I could change.

When I emerged, everyone was gathered around the fire. Alistair was already wolfing down a bowl of what I assumed would be soup of some sort, and Leliana handed me my own bowl as I settled beside him on the ground. Dariel was sitting with Aedan and Zevran, eating as well, and I wondered if sitting with the only other elf in the party made him feel less frightened. Not that Zevran was like the rest of the elves I'd met, overall. Which was a good thing -- the servile attitude from most of the elves in Redcliffe and Ostagar made me distinctly uncomfortable. I smiled warmly at him; his expression, while still cool, was definitely less aloof than before.

Once everyone had eaten, we all sat back to chat and tease each other like we always did in the evenings. Dariel's eyes seemed to follow the conversations curiously, though he never spoke; I wondered what evenings had been like with the band of mercenaries. They probably tortured bunnies for fun, in front of him. That image made me feel ill, and when I shook myself to try to clear it, Alistair leaned in.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine. Just way too active an imagination."

He looked at me curiously, but then we all got distracted as Aedan stood and cleared his throat.

"Tomorrow we head to Denerim. We will camp outside the gates tomorrow night, once we've ascertained what the situation is getting into the city. Wynne, Leliana, Alistair, Zevran, Sierra and I will be going into Denerim." Prince whined, and Aedan laughed as he stroked his ears affectionately. "And Prince, of course. Shale, Sten, and Morrigan will stay camped outside. Dariel -- you have a choice. I think Sierra went over your options with you, and you have some time to decide if you want. All we need for now is to know whether you will be accompanying us into Denerim, staying outside at camp, or leaving us altogether. Any plans?"

Dariel nervously cleared his throat. "I don't think me going into Denerim is a good idea. I could be recognised, and word would get around that we failed. I think...if it's alright with you, that perhaps I will stay at camp. And then I can make my decision while you're away."

Aedan nodded, and pretty much everyone around the fire directed a smile, a nod, or some other friendly gesture his way. Sten and Shale were the exceptions -- and I couldn't even start to figure out what a friendly gesture would look like from Shale, so maybe I had just missed it. Sten wasn't openly hostile, which was probably the best we could expect. I did notice some interesting glances being exchanged between Dariel and Morrigan, and tried not to shudder as I considered that concept. Morrigan was becoming my friend, and I really didn't want to think about her like that. Ugh. Wonder why it doesn't bother me with Zev and Aedan? Huh.

After a bit more chatter, everyone started heading to bed. Alistair and I, both entirely awkward, took turns changing into sleep clothes while the other waited outside. Zevran was openly laughing at me as I stood outside in my nightgown after I finished changing, and I had to acknowledge the idiocy of two people sleeping together but being unable to get changed in front of each other. To avoid further ridicule, I ducked back into the tent more quickly than I might have otherwise, and I forgot to knock. Or whatever you do on a tent.

When I looked up, I froze. Alistair was kneeling on his bedroll, without a shirt, eyebrows raised. I stared at him, struck yet again by how incredibly well built he was. After carrying me halfway across Thedas I shouldn't have been surprised; his abdominal muscles stood out in a six-pack, his pecs bulged like a body-builder's would, his shoulders were broad and rippling as he reached for his simple tunic, and the tan lines on his arms emphasized the obvious strength in his biceps. I swallowed, mouth dry and hanging open, caressing his impressive physique with my eyes. When I was able to return my gaze to his face, he was smirking slightly despite the deep blush. He abandoned the shirt, lying down on his bedroll and holding his arms out expectantly.

"Warm night, don't you think?" His grin was sly and I rolled my eyes as I crawled over beside him and got pulled into an embrace. The skin of his chest was soft against my cheek, and the smell of campfire and sweat that I had become used to since first coming to Thedas flooded my senses. I stroked my hand through the soft fuzz decorating his chest, and he smiled at me.

"I never thought in a million years I would be lying here with a beautiful woman in my arms...."

I laughed and interrupted. "...While not wearing a shirt?"

His blush intensified, and I had to wonder how he stayed conscious when all of his blood had rushed to his skin. Which brought to mind an image of all of his blood rushing somewhere else, and suddenly my complexion matched his. I struggled to keep the dirty thought from bursting out of my mouth without permission.

"Have I told you today how incredibly handsome you are?" I snuggled into his chest, determined just to relax and go to sleep. Which was harder than expected, given the proximity of the sexy, half-naked demi-God I shared a tent with. He kissed my forehead, and then settled in.

After several minutes of clenching my jaw and trying not to fidget, I finally sat up, startling Alistair who was half asleep. I reached over him, grabbed the shirt, dropped it on him, and waited until he put it on. I refused to rise to his bait as he smirked at me unabashedly, finally settling back down into his now clothed arms. It was probably good for his self-esteem, I decided, though it was doing nothing to improve my blush. Despite the shirt, I spent a good portion of the night lying awake in Alistair's arms, convincing myself over and over that I wasn't going to be the one to start anything.

I finally fell deeply asleep right before it was time to get up for the day. Typical. I hazily enjoyed a scorching kiss from Alistair before he scrambled from the tent, leaving me to get my armour on. Once changed, I ate a few bites of breakfast, and then dozed against Alistair's shoulder after he emerged in his armour. He finished my breakfast as well as his own, as usual. Alistair looked very smug whenever he caught me yawning, and both Zev and Leli gave us amused looks. I had to be chivvied into helping pack, and then got basically dragged along by the hand as we started walking.

The day passed in a blur, literally, since I could barely keep my eyes open. I stumbled along, clinging to Alistair's hand, hoping he'd guide me over any obstacles because I really wasn't paying that much attention. Lunch on my feet was aggravating, because I couldn't eat and be dragged along by the hand at the same time, so I had to concentrate on my surroundings for a while. I even accepted a cup of wretched Ferelden tea warmed by Wynne's magic, hoping to God there was enough caffeine in it to justify the vile taste. I felt enough better afterwards to actually wonder if she'd spiked it with something, or hit me with a rejuvenation spell while I wasn't looking. I wasn't about to complain.

The afternoon was an unsurprisingly better experience because of it, and I was finally feeling back to myself enough to smile and joke with Aedan and Leli while striding along beside Alistair. Alistair and I took some gentle teasing for the fog we'd both been wandering in all morning, though neither of us was willing to admit to the reason. 'I couldn't sleep because it suddenly occurred to me that he's naked under his clothes' doesn't sound like much of an excuse.

Shale and Sten walked together quietly, as usual, while Zevran often ranged ahead of us, scouting for bandits and the like which should have been more common the closer we got to Denerim. Dariel and Morrigan were also together, heads down, talking quietly, and when I looked around I realised I wasn't the only one who was disturbed by it. Alistair and Aedan both looked vaguely grossed out, and again I wondered why it was so much worse for everyone imagining the two apostates together than it was to picture Zev and Aedan (or me and Alistair, for that matter).

It occurred to me suddenly that allowing Dariel to be recruited into the Grey Wardens might be a bad idea -- it would take away any control Aedan had over Morrigan's ritual, if she could perform it with a completely unsuspecting Dariel who was sleeping with her anyway. I decided to mention it sometime in Denerim, when neither mage was nearby, so I didn't have to worry about being overheard. I'm so getting yelled at by Aedan for not telling him about her ritual sooner.

I sighed, just shaking my head with a wry smile when Alistair shot a curious look my way. We made it to Aedan's chosen destination slightly before nightfall, just outside Denerim but far enough from the gates not to be spotted, and hidden in a forested valley. There was a little lake a ways away, where Sten, Morrigan, and Dariel would be able to replenish their water while we were in Denerim. No one felt like sparring, so we set up camp and Aedan sent Morrigan off in bird form to check on the situation at the gates. She was under strict orders not to enter the city itself, but just to survey the gates and return. Sitting together around the fire waiting for her, I was all edgy nerves and anxiety, and I wasn't the only one looking a little tense. Alistair held my hand, his calloused thumb rubbing reassuring circles on the back, but his own jaw was clenched, and I guessed his outward calm was all illusion. I snuggled a little closer, hoping that just being there could offer some comfort.

After a bit, Leliana asked if I'd walk around camp a bit with her; sensing she must want to talk to me about something, I agreed and hauled my tired butt off the ground to follow her. We didn't go far before she found us somewhere to sit, and we settled in. I waited to see what she wanted to discuss. I'd assumed it was Marjolaine. I was wrong.

"So...you and Alistair."

I blinked, surprised. And then giggled. I'm such a girl! "Um, yes...?"

"You are aware that he is very inexperienced, yes?"

"Uh, yeah. So he said. Dare I ask where you're going with this?"

"I just...I suspect you also do not have much experience, no?"

"Leli, what on earth...?"

"I...worry. That you two will perhaps not have such a pleasant experience, when you finally get to that stage."

"Seriously? Here I figured you wanted to talk about Marjolaine or something, and what you want to discuss is Alistair and I having sex?"

"I'm feeling quite serene about Marjolaine, actually, thanks to you. I thought about what you said at length, about how she will not stop until I make her, and I realised...you are right. Someone must prevent her from hurting anyone else. I will kill her. I won't feel guilty about that. And it does not make me a bad person. I am fine, actually."

I smiled, happy that I could help her pre-empt her crisis of conscience. Shaking her head, she returned to her previous investigation, and I blushed.

"You are avoiding talking about it, Sierra."

"I...yeah, I am. Look, this is awkward. I'm...I have next to no real experience, Leli. But we're not going to injure ourselves or something, you know. We will figure it out."

"Real experience? What does that mean?"

My blush deepened, and she looked at me curiously. "I...well, let's just say that information is a lot more universally available, where I'm from."

She looked confused and made a 'give me more' gesture with her fingers.

I sighed. Using the thumb and first finger of my right hand, I pinched the bridge of my nose, struggling to contain my embarrassment. "It means that there are plenty of books and things easily available. Instruction manuals, fictional accounts...recordings of other people having sex. Not that I spent a lot of time watching them, or anything, but...let's just say I'm familiar with the mechanics of sex, at least. I haven't done it much, but I think I can figure it out. Especially if I don't have to talk about it!"

She grinned, her expression delighted. "Books? Like the ones Wynne reads?"

"Well, yeah, those, but more. Like serious step-by-step 'how-to' instructions. Or detailed descriptive accounts of sex itself. It's called erotica. There's a lot of it. So I'm not quite as clueless as you might think."

"I was thinking I might have to give you some pointers."

"We're not even there yet, anyway. It's a bit premature, don't you think?"

"You share a tent with the man, and you think that contemplating your first time together is too soon?"

I grimaced. She has a point. "I just...he hasn't really made any moves, yet. I'm thinking he isn't ready."

"And does it not occur to you he might be waiting for you to make a move?"

"Well, sure, but I'm not going to."

"Why ever not?" She looked irritated, and I shrugged.

"It's...I...it's complicated, Leli."

"Oh, by the Maker you two do make it hard on yourselves, yes? Alright, well...can I at least suggest you tempt him a little? Make sure he knows you will not say no?"

"He bloody well knows that by now!"

"No, dearest, he does not. Trust someone with a bit more experience with clueless men. The only reason he has not yet ravaged you is because he thinks, deep down inside, that you don't want him to."

"After last night, if he doesn't know, he's an idiot."

"Oh? Tell me!" She clapped her hands in glee.

I sighed again. I told her about the fiasco with his tunic, and she was in hysterics by the time I was done.

"That's why you were so dazed this morning? You could not sleep because he took his shirt off?" Her laughter was gaining in volume, and I hushed her to avoid having to explain the joke when we went back.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. You're just saying that because you've never seen him with his shirt off."

She grinned wickedly, a curious gleam in her eye that reminded me of Zevran in his more blatant moments. "That good?"

"Uh, yeah. Better. Don't you even think about trying to get a look!"

She pouted cutely, and I laughed. "I still doubt Alistair has thought about what your response means, really. If anything, he would probably take it as a rejection."

I groaned. "So what do you expect me to do? I want it to be his idea. It needs to be, really, for a variety of reasons. I can't just go say 'Hey, Alistair, wanna fuck?' I can't do it."

"No, no. Maker! You are hopeless!"

"I'm aware." I stuck my tongue out, my wry smile escaping, and Leliana laughed.

"Okay this is easy. You just need to tempt him. Do something that says, obviously and unavoidably, that you are available."

We spent a few minutes scheming, and by the time Morrigan returned, I figured we had a working plan. It was going to be the hardest thing I'd ever done, but I was committed. Or perhaps I need to be committed. I'm not sure which.

We headed back to camp when Prince's barking heralded Morrigan's return, and I avoided eye contact with Alistair, trying desperately not to blush. He looked at me curiously, and I frantically sought to concentrate on what Morrigan's news could be, distracting myself from my embarrassment. I didn't have to wait long.

Morrigan's news was a relief, but also seriously concerning, all at the same time. Apparently the gates were entirely unguarded. She spent several minutes watching, and besides a large number of heavily armed mercenary groups moving through, noted nothing interesting. No one watching, definitely no one stopping even the least reputable from passing through. Assuming the more-well-known of our group -- Aedan, Alistair, and Leliana, primarily - wore helmets, there was probably no one who would care who we were or what we were doing in Denerim.

Aedan and Alistair were intensely concerned what it could mean. The city could be teeming with mercenaries who would turn the Grey Wardens in for coin, though blending in might be easy. We wondered what exactly was wrong, and what must have happened for Loghain to have abandoned the gates. We discussed it for a while, every imagined scenario worse than the last, when finally Aedan interrupted our idle speculation.

"We won't be able to figure it out until we get there, so we might as well make a plan to get started with. It seems like we might be able to just wander in to the city as we are. As long as we're all armed and armoured, and wearing helmets, it sounds like we will fit right in." Morrigan nodded agreement, so Aedan continued. "We will go to the market first, and those who need can get measured to have armour made or repaired before rumours spread of our existence. Sierra tells me she knows of a good armourer. We can then find somewhere to stay, hole up in an inn somewhere. We need to find somewhere we can be inconspicuous. Or at least buy privacy."