There and Back Again Ch. 053-054

Chapter Fifty-Three: Adverse Effects

Tomas finally called a halt to the revelry and insisted we get moving towards Soldier's Peak. I showed Leli how to use the music app and gave her free reign to pick songs to listen to while we walked. Everyone stuck close, wanting to listen to the strange sounds coming from the speakers, and even for me it was nice to have even temporary easy access to music I'd grown up with. I hadn't realised how much I'd missed it. The day passed quickly, and enjoyably. The group were quite scandalised when they heard the lyrics to some of the songs, but I noticed Zevran watching me, expression unreadable, and I winked at him. He laughed. Alistair remained sort of pink-faced throughout most of it.

Dariel and Gorim asked me more questions about Earth, which I answered openly for the most part, and how I got to Ferelden, for which I had no answers. At least they seemed to believe me, though I supposed that disappearing into thin air and returning with an iPhone helped my case. I pondered whether the outrageous alternate universe theories that had been exploited in so many science fiction novels were truly that outrageous. Maybe there were hundreds, thousands of universes, and sometimes, some way, it was possible to travel between them. I mean, there was more than one origin in the game - maybe there were other universes out there where Aedan had died and a different person became the Warden. If David Gaider somehow had access to all of them, that could be why there were multiple origins...

I was interrupted in my musing when the music stopped; Leliana jumped, though managed not to drop the phone, and handed it over to me quickly in fear that she'd broken it. I realised the battery was dead - we'd been walking, listening to music, for probably eight hours. After all the video taking in the morning, I wasn't surprised. I plugged the thing into one of my two chargers and slipped it back into my pocket. It occurred to me to look into solar chargers when I went back to Earth next. Tomas wanted to walk about another hour before setting up camp; Bodahn, miraculously as usual, knew the location of yet another hot spring along our path, so we decided to push through until we could make it.

After supper, we took turns as usual using the hotspring. The guys had won the right to go first (teaching them rock-paper-scissors had been hilarious), so when they were done, the women wandered down and spent a good half hour relaxing. I had been managing to ignore it, most of the time, but I ached after a full day of walking. When the rest of the women went back to camp, I decided to stay and soak a little longer.

The water was heavenly, and it only got better when Alistair quietly slipped in beside me. We soaked and cuddled together for a while, until he became impatient and pushed me up onto the bank. He took his time exploring my body, and when he finally took me, I was so over-stimulated that I was sure they could hear my shout all the way to Denerim.

We cleaned up, again, and finally headed back to camp. Almost everyone had gone to their tents already, but Zev and Shale were talking together quietly when we approached. Zev spent a few minutes teasing us about our vocal performance; Shale was totally disgusted, which I'm sure was why he did it. Blushing, Alistair and I ducked into our tent and promptly fell asleep.

In the morning, I tucked the Iron Man figurine into Alistair's bedroll. I'd realised I had forgotten to give it to him, and I wanted to do it when we had time to talk, so bedtime seemed to make sense. At breakfast, I decided to show everyone the videos I'd made of the computer game. I sat in the middle, with everyone taking turns crowding around me, as I showed my character talking to one after the other of my companions. Everyone was completely amazed at seeing themselves on the little screen and hearing their own voices come out of the speakers. It was fun to watch. The ones I didn't have video of - Dariel, Gorim, and Aedan, for obvious reasons - just laughed with me at the looks on everyone else's face.

We got packed up, but as we walked my phone got passed around from one to the next as they watched the little video. Finally after watching it for about the third time, Aedan approached me, where I walked hand-in-hand with Alistair, chatting with Tomas.

"So...why exactly don't you have a picture of me? And who is this woman who's talking to everyone?"

I glanced over at where he was pointing and froze. Oh crap. I had taken the video of my Cousland interacting with everyone. My female Cousland. I had never planned on explaining the multiple origins in game. I'd never planned to admit it was a game. It was hard to explain, and I worried about the reaction if they learned that people on Earth thought of their lives as a game. I took a deep breath, mind racing, and Alistair leaned down to speak quietly.

"Are you okay? You're looking rather pale."

I stuttered and finally tried to explain.

"I...in the performance, I think to try to expand their audience, they allowed the person viewing it to...choose the appearance of the character they were inhabiting."

"Why would that expand their audience?" Leliana had joined us, bringing Morrigan with her.

"Well, I suspect that, for example, women who were watching would feel more comfortable if they were looking through the eyes of a woman, instead of through Aedan's."

There was a stunned silence, and I looked down, afraid to see everyone's reactions. Aedan barked out a laugh. "So that woman...is supposed to be me?"

I looked up, noting Zevran's amused grin and Aedan's incredulous stare. "Uh, yeah, well, sort of. I suppose." I took another breath. Busted; I might as well tell them everything now, before I get caught in a half-truth again. "But you could actually choose to be an elf, or a dwarf, or a mage too. The overall story didn't change, but the first few minutes you were somewhere other than Highever. The theory went that Dun...Tomas could have gone anywhere looking for a recruit, not just Highever. He could have gone to the Circle Tower and chosen Solona or an elven mage, to Orzammar and chosen Sereda or another dwarf, to the Brecilian Forest and picked a Dalish elf, or to Denerim and gotten an elf from the Alienage. And any of those options could have been male or female."

I finally got the reaction I'd been expecting. Aedan started shouting. "What sort of sick performance was this? So in some of these, what - I didn't survive? I died in Highever with my parents?"

"I don't...know. Probably. They never gave any details about any of the other origins once you'd chosen one. There were hints - you'd see a dead dwarf in a Carta dungeon in Orzammar, and if you'd ever tried being a dwarf you'd know that that was where one of the origins died, since Tomas hadn't been there to rescue him - that sort of thing. But if you were an elf, for example, they just never mentioned the Couslands in detail. They showed Howe gloating over being Teyrn, but didn't explain exactly why."

I tried to explain my multiple alternate universe theory, where perhaps somehow David Gaider could see into many alternate realities, and not just this one, but also one where an elf or dwarf was chosen as the Warden recruit. Aedan's face was red, angry, and I wasn't surprised when he growled and stormed off. Zev gave me a sympathetic look and then hurried off to follow him; Tomas stopped walking, looking around, and finally sighed and sat down, right in the middle of the road.

"We might as well have lunch here."

Everyone else settled nearby and pulled out rations; Bodahn and Sandal kept going in the cart, knowing we could easily catch up. Leliana tried to force out a conversation to cover the awkward silence, but everyone was too deep in thought to easily keep it up. Alistair hadn't said a word since I'd explained, and barely ate; I watched him, concerned, but he didn't even seem to notice me staring.

After maybe a half hour had passed, Aedan reappeared with Zev in tow. He didn't look at me, just growled out a demand for the group to get moving. He deliberately started walking at a quick pace, ahead of everyone else. I snuck a glance at Zev, and he shook his head slightly, obviously not thinking I should try to discuss it with Aedan yet. Before I had a chance to think much more about it, Alistair brushed past me and joined Aedan, and the two men walked silently together, Zevran trailing behind. I stared at Alistair's back in shock - never had he been less than courteous to me, even before we'd been in a relationship. I didn't know what to think.

Morrigan had changed into bird form and taken off, Sten and Shale were already following Aedan, and Wynne followed them with Dariel. Leliana, Gorim, and Tomas were left, looking from me to Aedan and Alistair and back again, expressions worried. Mine must have looked miserable; Leliana took one of my hands, Duncan put his hand on my shoulder, and we followed at the back.

I was upset, torn between feeling guilty and confused. Maybe I should have told them the whole story to begin with, but what could have happened in an alternate universe shouldn't have mattered. This was the universe we had to deal with, and we couldn't go back even if we wanted to, so why did it matter?

I hadn't noticed who'd ended up with my iPhone, and I didn't particularly care at that moment. I walked sadly, head down, barely even paying attention to the road, while Leliana pulled me on by the hand. No one spoke; the usual amusing party banter was conspicuously absent, and the quiet was unnerving. Clearly neither Tomas nor Leli were angry with me, and I wasn't even certain that everyone else had heard, but I wasn't sure what would happen with Aedan, and apparently Alistair was also upset, for some reason he'd yet to explain. Just what we need: drama.

It seemed the few days of happiness I'd had were too good to last.

I decided, after another hour of feeling sorry for myself, that I was going to try to tackle what was happening head on. This was my family, and they had to forgive me eventually, didn't they? I squeezed Leliana's hand, raised my chin, and sped up slightly to catch up with Aedan and Alistair. I heard steps behind me, and realised that Tomas and Leliana were coming too, and it steeled my resolve.

Zevran halted me before I could catch them. "So, bella donna, now I know why you could not predict relationships, yes? Too many variables."

I heard Alistair snort ahead of me, and I flinched at the bitterness I could hear in the sound. "Sort of. I mean, I can't see you discriminating against an elf or a dwarf, or a woman for that matter, so if Aedan had the same temperament, you'd still be willing to be with him, wouldn't you? Would his height or his plumbing really matter?"

"Plumbing?"

"Uh...slang for, uh, parts. You know, genitals."

He looked thoughtful, and I watched his gaze switch back to Aedan before a little smirk appeared.

I laughed. "Right, well, I know what you'll be fantasizing about later."

He laughed, and I saw Aedan's shoulders twitch in what I took to be amusement. Zev reached out and patted me on the shoulder, then pushed me gently towards Aedan and Alistair who were a handful of steps ahead of us.

I stepped in between the two men, reaching up automatically to take Alistair's hand. He grasped it for a moment, and then to my complete shock, dropped it like a hot potato. I stumbled slightly, but caught myself before I fell. I cleared my throat, and my voice cracked as I spoke.

"So, you're angry with me for not telling you. Can we talk about it?"

Aedan sighed. "I'm not angry. I'm sorry for stomping off. It's just rather disconcerting to find out that it was only an accident, a trick of fate, that I exist. What if you'd ended up in one of those other - what did you call them? Alternate universes? I'd just be dead."

"And I wouldn't have a brother. But I didn't end up somewhere else. I ended up here. And it didn't seem important to explain the possibilities of what might have been, once I was already here. It was confusing enough trying to explain who I was and where I came from. I wasn't keeping anything from you maliciously."

He finally looked down at me and smiled. "I know. I'm not angry." He stopped and hugged me to him, and I returned the embrace enthusiastically. "Is there anything else you didn't tell me?"

I bit my lip and thought about it. "I...not on purpose. Um. Well, I suppose one thing is the alternatives to making Alistair king after Cailan's death."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, well, if he didn't want to be, and you chose not to force him, one option would have been for you to marry Anora and become King-Consort."

He choked and laughed at the same time, a frightening sounding gurgle the only sound that escaped. I worried I'd have to give him the Heimlich or something, but he started to cough and finally caught his breath.

"Maker's Breath! That would have been terrible! What a nasty thing to do to a fellow. You might not know it, but I've met the Ice Queen. No thank you!"

I giggled, and we started walking again. "But you would be so cute together!"

He squawked and grabbed me around the shoulder with one arm, messing up my hair with the other hand. "You take that back!"

We laughed a bit more, but as I looked forward, my heart sank. When Aedan had slowed to embrace me, Alistair had kept walking, and was now a dozen steps ahead of me again. My shoulders slumped. I looked over at Aedan, and when he saw where I'd been focused, he shook his head and shrugged slightly. Well, at least I'm not the only one in the dark.

Taking another deep breath, I squared my shoulders and hurried forward once again. I purposefully avoided reaching for his hand, though it left an ache in my chest to do that.

"Alistair?"

He didn't say anything, didn't look at me; didn't respond in any way.

"Please? Tell me what's wrong." My voice was pleading.

He looked down at me, for the briefest of moments, and I couldn't read the look in his eyes, but it wasn't good. He finally held out one hand, and I saw he held my iPhone. I took it, tucking it into my pack absently.

"So in this...performance. Wait, what is it called, anyway? I never thought to ask."

"Dragon Age."

He looked confused. "No, I mean...you talked earlier about photographs and moves and things. Is there a name for this type of entertainment?"

"Moves? Oh, movies. Never mind. Um, yeah, they call it a-" I gulped, trying to decide, but again decided I should just come clean rather than have another dramatic reveal later and have him angry at me again, "video game." I sighed, knowing what he was going to say next.

"A game? How lovely for them, for you, to make a game out of our lives."

"Alistair, I-"

He cut me off. "It doesn't matter. In this game, then, you - the other Grey Warden - could be a variety of different people."

"Yes."

"And those people...had relationships?"

"Some of them. You could try, at least. If I made decisions that a companion agreed with, then they would like me more, and then if they liked me enough and I flirted with them..."

"So, if you were a woman, you could have a relationship with who? Zevran?"

"Yes."

"Leliana?"

"Yes."

"Morrigan? Sten? Shale?"

"No! Maker, no."

His next word was so quiet I'd have missed it if I hadn't been expecting it, by then. "Me?"

I replied equally quietly. "Yes."

"That's how you knew so many details. About me. Who I was, what I was. A templar. A virgin. A confused, childish idiot with - what did you call them? Daddy issues. A fool. I wondered how Aedan would have known so many details, but didn't think about it too hard. Now I know - I'd have told you if we were in a relationship."

"No! Well, yes, I knew things about you, but I've never thought you were a fool, Alistair. And you have far fewer daddy issues than I think you have a right to. And you really would have told Aedan all the stuff you told me, if he'd asked."

"But you knew everything. You knew what to say to make me like you."

"I-"

He cut me off again. "Right." He ran his gauntleted hand through his short hair irritably. "Look, I just...I don't want to talk right now. I'm going to go walk by myself. Just...just leave me alone, for a while, okay?"

Before I could respond, he jogged forward, putting enough distance between us that I would have to yell for him to hear me. I let my breath out in a shaky sigh, shoulders slumping again. I felt a presence at my side, and looked over to see Tomas smiling sadly at me. I looked away; if I saw any pity in his eyes, I was going to break down and cry, and I still wasn't entirely sure why.

"Are you alright?"

"No. I don't know. You don't seem surprised by any of this."

"I'm not, entirely."

I risked a glance, and the sad smile had turned into a wry one. "You knew? You did! How did you know?"

"I didn't, exactly, but...I knew something. You had to ask the name of the 'new Grey Warden' when we first met. So obviously there was more than one possibility as to who it could have been. And you were very careful to avoid gender pronouns. Besides, when you told me what you knew about Alistair, I figured that if you'd only ever seen his friendly side, you might not be so...enthusiastic. And since I know he is only interested in women..."

"You figured I must have gotten to know him as a woman."

He nodded. "The details didn't really matter, because we had to go forward with the situation as it was, not as it might have been. But I had considered going places other than Highever when I was recruiting. Had I had time, I would have gone to all of the places you mentioned, and even a few you didn't. But as it turned out, the horde wouldn't wait. Cailan wouldn't wait. So I was going to recruit Ser Gilmore and head to Ostagar, but then...well, you know."

"I'm sorry. I suppose I should have told you."

"It might have been a good idea, yes. However, you were right - it doesn't matter what might have been. Aedan could have been someone else, but he wasn't. I'm not unhappy at the way it turned out."

Aedan cleared his throat behind me. "Neither am I." He reached forward and took my hand, and I clung to it a little harder than I would have liked.

I shot a glance at Alistair's back. "Do you think he will forgive me?"

"I'm not even sure what he's upset about, actually."

"Me either. It seems to be something to do with the fact that I had foreknowledge of his preferences. I'm not entirely clear why that would matter, but... Well, anyway, he asked to be left alone."

Duncan put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. "Give him some time. He'll come around."

Chapter Fifty-Four: About Face

The rest of the afternoon was a nightmare. Somehow, the blow to my happiness had also been a blow to my stamina, and I felt bone tired despite adequate rest. I kept up with the group, but it wasn't an easy thing. I didn't talk, didn't look around, just put everything I had into putting one foot in front of the other. Tomas, Leli, Aedan, and even Morrigan had tried to bring me out of my shell, but I just didn't have the energy to respond. I stowed my gear on Bodahn's cart; usually I carried it, trying to build up my strength, but it just wasn't worth it.

Leliana had borrowed my phone again, and was listening to music; every sad song that played brought tears to my eyes, and given how lonely I'd been before coming to Thedas, I had a lot of sad songs on my playlist.

When it was time to make camp, instead of setting up our tent as usual, Alistair approached me, expression unreadable, and asked to talk to me. We went off a little ways, close enough to hear shouting in case we got into trouble, but far enough to have a bit of privacy. I sat on a fallen log, worrying; Alistair paced in front of me, which I didn't see as a good sign. I waited for him to start, but as time passed and he just kept pacing, I finally got antsy.