There and Back Again Ch. 057-058

Chapter Fifty-Seven: Explanations

Aedan reached out and pulled me into a hug. A few more tears rolled down my cheek, but I refused to lose it again. I pulled away.

"Let's go see who's up."

We got ourselves dressed, in clothing, not armour, and then wandered out to the main room. Sten and Shale were there already, standing against various walls. Tomas, Dariel, Gorim, Wynne, Zev, and Levi were all sitting in a rough circle, gnawing on jerky. Leliana was in the room next to ours; her door was open, and I could hear her humming as she moved around. Morrigan was further down the hallway, and she came out when she heard Aedan saying good morning.

The only one I didn't see was Alistair, until I looked around some more; he was sitting on a bedroll, right beside the door to the room I shared with Aedan. His eyes were bloodshot, and I guessed he'd been there all night. His expression was neutral, but his hands shook slightly and I could tell it was taking quite an effort not to look at me or say anything. It might have been sweet, if I hadn't been so angry; as it was it just pissed me off. It occurred to me he probably heard everything Aedan and I had talked about. I took a deep breath and looked away. I wasn't going to get guilted into taking pity on him. I hadn't done anything wrong.

I greeted everyone, and then joined the circle on the floor, with my back to Alistair. I could feel his gaze on my back; it was heavy, like a blanket. I was determined to ignore it. Leliana joined us, as did Aedan; I reached for Morrigan's hand and pulled her to sit by me as well. Sten and Shale stayed on the periphery, within hearing distance but not with us.

I told them about my days with Avernus, avoiding talk of the Joining or Avernus' improved formula, but explaining his theory on my magic resistance leading to templar abilities. Wynne was fascinated, and asked permission to try something; when I nodded, I felt her cast a spell on me. I immediately felt a little more energetic, less sleepy, and I smiled.

"I think he might be right. How do you feel, dear?"

"Good, Wynne, thanks. What was that?"

"Just a little pick-me-up spell. Rejuvenation. But you should be positively overflowing with energy right now, not just feeling slightly better. I didn't notice it the couple of times I healed you, I wasn't looking for that, but you do resist magic. It's worse than casting on a dwarf." She shot Gorim an apologetic look, and he grinned.

I told Alistair that his Calenhad bloodline could very well be the reason for his own impressive skills as a templar, and he flushed; I couldn't tell if he was irritated or pleased.

I also told them his theory on me subconsciously wanting to go back to Earth being the trigger for my transitions. It led to a few nasty looks in Alistair's direction, and a lot of questions about various times when I'd disappeared. When we went through them, each time had at least some impetus.

"What about when we met up with everyone in the Wilds?" Morrigan asked.

"I'd briefly wished I'd disappear and reappear with them so that I'd know they were okay. I guess it was a little delayed."

"What about in Redcliffe when we were all at the Tower?" Leliana asked.

I blushed. "I had a...disagreement, with Theron."

"And what about after Denerim, the first time?" Aedan asked.

I laughed. "It occurred to me that I wanted to see if I could bring my phone over and play some music for Leli."

After a bit more laughter and discussion, we finally settled again. We decided that everyone needed a few days to recover from the strain of the last week, and Tomas wanted to explore the Keep. I told them that there were at least two secret caches I was aware of, and Zev and Leli immediately set off to search for them. I'd never made a deal with the Sophia demon, but I'd read there was a hiding spot with some money in it - Zev headed there to try to find out. Leliana decided to wander the Keep and see if she found any portraits, and I reminded her about speaking the Grey Warden oath.

Sten and Shale went off somewhere, Levi refused to leave the safety of the common area we were in, and Dariel and Gorim stayed put to keep him company. Wynne wanted to explore Avernus' library, so she and I accompanied Tomas, Aedan, and Alistair up to Avernus' area. I dragged Morrigan with me, hoping for a chance to talk to her about fertility.

Wynne peeled off to the library, the Grey Wardens headed in to Avernus' lab, and I stayed out with Morrigan. With a surreptitious look at Wynne, I pulled the witch into the little room I'd used and sat her down with me on the couch.

"Thanks for punching Alistair."

"You are quite welcome, though I did not do it for your thanks. The simpleton has no right to treat anyone like that. If he had not drained my mana, I would probably have done worse."

I hugged her, and to my surprise she allowed it.

"I need a favour." I was a little nervous asking Morrigan for a favour, but she just smiled.

"What do you need, my friend?"

"I need you to help Avernus with something. I've made a deal with him, and he's going to try to improve the Joining formula. He already knows how to do some of the improvements, but I've asked him to try to decrease the infertility it causes. He isn't familiar enough with fertility rituals, so he says."

"And you believe I am?"

"Well, I hoped. Given the whole reason Flemeth sent you with us, I know you can somehow conceive with a Warden. I'm assuming part of that ritual ensures the fertility of the Warden, otherwise you couldn't guarantee conception."

"I see. I have to ask, though. Why do you wish this?"

I looked at her in surprise. "Why wouldn't I? Anything that improves things for the Grey Wardens is a good thing."

"I had hoped you were done with the templar, after what he did."

"I am, Morrigan. Or rather, he's done with me." She gave me a dirty look. "This has nothing to do with him."

"Does it not? Aedan swings for the other team," she grinned and I giggled at the mangled Earth terminology, "Tomas is too old to worry about such things...whose fertility are you worried about, if not Alistair's?"

"Mine. Among others."

She looked at me, eyes narrowed in suspicion. "You said you made a deal. What was your end?"

"What you expect. He wants me to take the Joining, and then take some of my blood to study."

"What?" She jumped up off the couch and whirled towards me. "You cannot seriously be considering this."

"If it saves people's lives? Keeps my brother with me for an extra twenty years? Boosts recruiting for the Grey Wardens? Damn right I'm considering it."

She paced back and forth, and I could practically see the wheels turning. She stopped after a bit, staring at my face. Finally she sighed and sat back down. "This improved formula will really do that? Save people? Keep Aedan alive longer?" I nodded. "I'll never talk you out of it, in that case, will I?"

"No."

"What do you need me to do?"

"Just help Avernus figure out how to affect fertility. I'm sure he can tell you more than I. And maybe, when he's ready...maybe distract the boys so they don't try to stop me?"

Her expression was reluctant, and I carefully schooled my features to hide any doubt I felt. She finally agreed. We headed back out into the library, finding Wynne sitting at a table with a stack of books, taking notes on some parchment. We sat for a bit, and eventually Avernus came out with Aedan, Tomas, and Alistair in tow. Tomas was talking with Avernus, and I could only hear a few words of the conversation, however it was obvious he was telling Avernus not to use any more blood magic or human sacrifice for his research. Avernus, for his part, was acting very humble, but there was a smirk hiding underneath the façade, and I could tell he wasn't seriously listening. If he hadn't already agreed to the terms with me, I might have been worried.

Aedan told me the bodies had been dealt with - I assumed they'd been burned by a fireball or some such from Avernus. They also informed Avernus in no uncertain terms that his lab was not off limits to myself or the Grey Wardens, and that he'd be watched while we remained at the Keep. His eyes flashed with irritation, but it looked more like righteous indignation than anything. I let it go.

Morrigan spoke up and asked to speak with Avernus; I saw Wynne shoot a suspicious look at the witch's back, and even Aedan looked uncomfortable leaving the two apostates alone together. Before he could say anything, I volunteered to stay and keep an eye on them. Tomas wanted Aedan and Alistair to spend some time looking around, making lists for what would be needed to renovate the keep for eventual use, and the three men left to do that. Avernus volunteered to Wynne that she could take some herbs and vegetables out of his garden, and her frown eased.

I followed Morrigan into Avernus' lab, curious to see it. The faint smell of cooking flesh remained, so I knew I was correct about how the bodies had been disposed of, but there was nothing objectionable remaining in the lab. I pulled up a chair and half listened as Morrigan and Avernus started talking shop about fertility and rituals, but with the greater portion of my brain power, I was thinking about my reaction to Alistair.

I was still angry, obviously. But a small part of me just wanted to accept his apology and leap into his arms. At the same time, it was a good thing I wasn't a mage or I might have zapped him with something really nasty.

Overall, I was stuck with one conclusion - nothing would be the same again, and the world was a lot sadder for that fact.

I wondered if I'd ever be able to be friends with him, even. Given that we'd never exactly been friends before, that we varied between a hesitant truce and him thinking I was a whore, I doubted it. We didn't have anything to fall back on.

Morrigan and Avernus worked late into the afternoon, and I paid attention only enough to realise they were making headway. Avernus promised to finish it off over the next day, and allow Morrigan to test it; the day after that would be my Joining.

We met back with the group for supper. Wynne and I brought some fresh produce from the garden, and Leli made a lovely soup with them and some jerky and spices she'd bought in Denerim. Things weren't as lively during the meal as they had been before I disappeared, and I was sad for the loss of the easy camaraderie we had shared. I hadn't actually heard Alistair speak since the night before, when they'd first come through the door, and despite how angry I was, I missed his sense of humour.

I insisted Aedan and Zev share a room for the night, and I bunked down with Prince, who seemed happy enough to accompany me. I cried a little, until the dog licked my face and made me laugh. I slept reasonably well, and woke feeling relatively refreshed.

Alistair was asleep outside my door, again, when I got up in the morning. I almost said something scathing, but managed to hold my tongue. We all toured the Keep together after breakfast, and Zev and Leli got to show off their finds. The place was huge, easily big enough to hold hundreds of Wardens and their support staff. Each area in the living quarters was like the one we had been using - a shared central area and several bedrooms. It would make it easy to house squads together. There were even married quarters, for Wardens or staff I wasn't sure, but it gave me hope that with the changes Avernus promised, one day the Keep would be fully utilized again. I could almost close my eyes and picture the place, full of Wardens, servants scurrying everywhere trying to keep food on the table. I could see the same expression of hopeful longing on Tomas' face, and I knew he was picturing the same thing.

I knew at some point I was going to have to have a conversation with Tomas about the Grey Wardens. Everything I'd seen or read indicated that the First Warden was a political figure, the true power behind the throne in the Anderfels, yet somehow the rest of the Wardens were supposed to stay out of politics. They were hiding secrets that really needed to be shared, and I got the impression they were more than happy to leave Ferelden for the Orlesian Wardens to manage, which wasn't helpful. Regardless of their intentions, Fereldans would never see anything but Orlesian influence when they looked at the Wardens if that continued. Something needed to change, and I hoped Tomas could be made to see that. I wondered what the First Warden would do if the Grey Wardens in Ferelden simply did their own thing.

I put it off. I couldn't handle another fight, in case he disagreed. I wasn't entirely clear where he stood on the Wardens, whether he would go along with anything that came from his chain of command, or whether he would make his own decisions. I decided to wait to find out.

Leliana claimed me for the afternoon, and we spent a while hauling and heating water before each having a bath. Once clean and dressed, we met in her room and she combed out my long, curly hair for me. She was respectful, but I knew she was hoping for information about Alistair and me. I'd have called it gossip, except that I knew she would keep anything I told her confidential. I didn't get into the details anyway - I was sick of crying - and she let me know that although she was disappointed that our love story had ended badly, she supported my decision not to be with him. She was angry on my behalf, which was sweet, and didn't want to see me hurt by him again.

I was surprised - she was usually all for second chances - but she told me that though she would still hope something would work out, she wasn't going to expect it. In her words, he would have to earn it. I smiled sadly; I didn't even have enough hope in me to think that was possible.

That evening, I was lounging around the main room of our little wing of the keep when Alistair approached me. I was careful to keep my expression neutral, but I avoided eye contact. I couldn't bear to show how deeply I was hurt.

"Sierra?"

"Yes?"

"Can we talk?"

I paused to try to control the angry retort; I was successful, but even I cringed at the coldness of my tone when I replied. "I think everything that needed to be said, already has been, don't you?"

In my peripheral vision, I could see his face redden. To his credit, he didn't respond to my ire with venom, but kept his tone respectful. "Please?"

I sighed and scrambled up from the floor, just as Aedan approached. "Absolutely not! You're not going anywhere alone with him."

I waved my hand restlessly. "It's okay, Aedan. I'll be right back. I can handle this." His expression was unhappy and anxious; he watched me walk away with Alistair with narrow eyes.

We left the wing everyone was in and found a small nearby sitting room, also devoid of furniture. Alistair made a fruitless attempt to clear away some dust with just his hand, and finally gave it up as a bad job. I settled against a wall, facing sideways to him so I could continue to avoid meeting his gaze.

"I don't...I don't really know what to say," he started. "I can see that you are angry and hurt, and I deserve that, I know, but...couples fight, don't they? Can't we, I don't know, talk about it? There's got to be a way to get past this. It seems like you're just giving up."

"A fight? That's how you see what happened?"

"How do you see it? You kept something from me, and I was angry; I lashed out and hurt you. We are both to blame."

My hands clenched. "I see it as a great, big sign that says that you are so self-absorbed that you refuse to look at anything from my perspective. You didn't ask why I didn't tell you earlier. You just made an assumption, without giving me any benefit of the doubt, and chose the worst possible motivation you could think of to run with.

"I don't regret not telling you. It wasn't a decision made to manipulate, but rather to avoid hurting Aedan. How did you think he'd react to learning he could just as easily have died in Highever? It didn't change anything, because the situation was what it was. Going over what might have been would only have hurt him. As it did, because I didn't think through the consequences of that damned video."

He looked thoughtful. "I never thought about it like that."

"I know. That's my point. You are willing to assume that I would be that manipulative, that I would lie to you and hurt you on purpose. That's not love, Alistair. You can't love if you don't trust. I am well enough aware of my shortcomings to know that I have trust issues. I've spent a lifetime trying not to care about anyone so they couldn't hurt me. I never dreamed that I'd fall in love, I never felt worthy of love, and you've just completely cemented that for me. I should have listened to that inner doubt all along. It was right."

His expression was shocked, his face pale after my outburst. He looked dazed, actually, and incapable of speech.

I turned towards him, hoping he would listen. "You love the idea of love. You love that someone loved you. But you never trusted me, not really. Even at his worst moment, Aedan never believed that I kept information from him maliciously; he was angry at the implications of what he'd learned, but did not think I was trying to hurt him, to use him. He knows me well enough to know that I never could. You didn't trust me enough to believe I had my reasons. I know that some people would do what you accused me of - use information to manipulate feelings and accomplish a goal, but you should have known that I am not one of those people. You're supposed to know me better than anyone. To trust me. Why would you love someone you didn't trust? The answer is obvious. You didn't."

He didn't respond, and I muttered under my breath in the silence. "No one ever has. I should have known. Instead, I trusted you. And look where that got me."

He ran his hands through his hair and rubbed his face. "Are there other things you haven't told me?"

"Yes. Some of them to protect you. Some of them because they don't matter; they will never come to pass as things stand currently. Some because, despite everything, I didn't think you capable of this sort of betrayal."

"Will you tell me? Please?"

"No. I won't. There are reasons for me to keep some of the things I know to myself. Some of them are needlessly hurtful, to you or to others. Why bring up painful possibilities that we will never face? You aren't the only one whose feelings I have to consider."

"I...I need to think."

I nodded and stood. "You do that. Maybe next time you meet someone, she'll have better luck."

He flinched, and the guilt tried to overwhelm me; I fled before he could say anything else. I cried a bit, wandering the empty halls, struggling to put it behind me. After a while of mindless wandering, I found myself in Avernus' lab. He looked at my red eyes and tear-stained cheeks, but fortunately did not comment. I wasn't sure what I'd have done if he'd said anything.

"We are all ready to go for tomorrow morning," he informed me, and I nodded. "You might want to bring your friend. I think she would be helpful if...well, if anything happened. And she can explain to the others, so they understand-"

"And don't try to kill you for revenge? Yeah. I know."

"See you in the morning, then?"

I nodded and took my leave, suddenly exhausted. The toll of the emotional strain over the last week had taken a lot out of me, and I could barely keep my eyes open. I stumbled back to my room, not saying a word to anyone. Alistair was lying right outside my door, as usual, but he didn't look up when I walked by. Aedan followed me in as I collapsed onto my bedroll and closed the door.

"Are you okay?"

I wrapped my shaking arms around my knees, burying my face. "I don't know. Maybe."