There and Back Again Ch. 059-060

Chapter Fifty-Nine: Adjustment

"I'll stay, if that's okay."

"Only if you get a bedroll or find another couch and get more comfortable. I won't have you sitting up all night."

"Yes, mother."

I stuck my tongue out again, and he laughed.

Morrigan dropped in to say hello while Aedan was away gathering things. We chatted amiably for a few minutes, and then I managed to work my way around to thanking her for her help. She was embarrassed, I think, and while she looked pleased, her face got red and she left shortly after. I shook my head, wishing I could bring Flemeth back momentarily to slap her. No one should be raised like that. Foster care was better.

I dozed for much of the afternoon, then slept all night thanks to another of Avernus' sleeping draughts. I planned to try to convince him to teach Wynne to make them before we left. In the morning, I felt better than I had in a long time. I felt refreshed, and luckily hadn't dreamt, so my energy level was quite high. Aedan, by contrast, looked tired. He'd refused to take a sleeping potion in case I needed him in the night, and I imagined the floor in my little room wasn't the best place to sleep. Between that and the worry I'd put him through, he definitely wasn't at his best. I hoped we could stay one more day, and try to get him rested before we headed out.

I walked back down to the area where everyone else was, and was welcomed warmly. I spent the day sitting with each of my companions for a while, even Shale and Dariel. I was glad to get to know the elf a little bit better; he seemed like just a nice guy, who had also grown up in less than ideal circumstances. It started me thinking, and I realised - Aedan and Gorim might have been the only two of my companions with a good childhood. Even Levi had been telling stories of a drunken, embittered father who could never get past the fact that the Drydens used to be nobles. Shale didn't remember hers, of course, and Sten thought his was fine, but I knew he'd missed out on something too.

My chat with Gorim was enlightening. Of course, we ended up talking about Riana. He missed her, it was obvious. I think he was somewhat surprised by just how much. When I apologised, he waved me off.

"It was my choice, and hers. Not yours. And honestly...it wasn't going to work out, long-term. She was eventually going to get sick of me dreaming about Sereda, even if they were nightmares of her dying in the Deep Roads, and I was going to resent her for keeping me from knowing what happened. My guilt was eating us both alive. Of course, knowing it would have to end doesn't make it any easier."

I glanced over at Alistair, and then away. "No, it doesn't." I cleared my throat. "So tell me about Sereda."

"What do you want to know?"

"Well, what sort of person is she? I know Trian - and Harrowmont - were all about tradition. Bhelen is much more for trying to modernise, but at the cost of being a sleaze. Where did Sereda stand?"

He thought. "She was the middle child in disposition as well as birth order, I think. She recognised that things in Orzammar needed to change or we were going to be in trouble, but she also didn't think that just allowing the casteless to work and surfacers to return home was going to make sense. Most of the casteless can't even read, and fewer can fight - what sort of work would they be suitable for? What about the criminals? And the current members of each caste would never be okay with a brand stealing their business. It would start a civil war. She thought that there needed to be a plan in place to educate and train the casteless, give them some skills first and then allow them to work. And she thought that any child of a cross-caste union should be enough to elevate the caste of the lower-caste parent, not just a same sex child. She thought Orzammar needed a big boost to its birth rate, and encouraging breeding through trying to improve one's caste has always worked in Orzammar, but this would open it up more. She even talked about incentives for cross-caste marriage. Like paying a dowry for casteless women, for example."

I thought about it, and it made sense. In Earth history, whenever slaves were freed, there was always an increase in social disorder for a while, because there were often more slaves than masters, and that many uneducated, unskilled citizens with nothing to do could wreak havoc on a society and an economy. Someone needed to feed the former slaves, and someone still needed to do the work, and it took a few decades for that to work itself out. If the dwarves did it more slowly, it might improve things. It was worth a shot, anyway. Bhelen's plan to just 'free the casteless' had never made sense to me.

"So, say she had to choose between Bhelen and Harrowmont, who would she pick?"

He didn't even hesitate. "Bhelen."

"Really? But...he killed Trian, and maybe even Endrin; he had her exiled. Would it be just the blood she'd want to keep going? Maintain the Aeducan name?"

"Actually, she'd have been reluctant to admit it, but she'd have been proud of him getting her exiled. I'd never have thought Bhelen capable of it. But dwarven politics are cut-throat, and she knew that - she'd have taken his betrayal as a sign he was ready to take part in the game. She'd be less understanding about Trian and Endrin, but...if the choice was stagnation, or Bhelen? She'd take Bhelen." His expression was decidedly sour.

"And you?"

"Harrowmont. I understand why Sereda would feel that way, but if our King has no honour, then what exactly would be the point? She would make fun of me for that, I know. Honour is less than useless if your society dies out, I suppose."

"I'd have to agree with her there." I thought I just might like Sereda, if we ever found her.

**

Morrigan had taken to making scathing remarks at Alistair, reminiscent of the game, and after the fiftieth time she'd implied he was stupid, I'd had enough. He wasn't even trying to defend himself, and it was too pathetic to listen to anymore. I finally had to drag her aside and talk about it.

"Look, I'm flattered that you're angry with him on my behalf. But really, please, just knock it off. He's not stupid. Leave him be."

"What gives you the idea he is not? He brought this upon himself."

"Like I said. I'm pleased we're friends enough for you to be so clearly on my side. I'm angry with him too. But being nasty isn't helping. It makes me want to defend him, and then I realise I don't want to defend him, and then I get all tied up in knots thinking about it. I'd rather not think about it, if it's all the same to you. So please. Give it a rest."

She sighed. "Fine. I'll just go back to avoiding him." Her expression said she was contemplating setting him on fire.

"I think avoidance would work, yes."

**

Leliana, Zev, and Wynne were far more interested in talking about me and my former love life, than anything else. I didn't linger long - it hurt too much, and I had no desire to dredge it all up. I assured them all that I was fine.

It was a lie, and we all knew it.

I couldn't mention that he'd spent the other night holding me. I still didn't know what to think of that. Was it guilt? Did he feel responsible for me Joining? Morrigan had blamed him for me going through with it. We'd avoided talking since then, and I had no plans to change that anytime soon. I just didn't not know how to handle the storm of emotions inside me. Between anger, and hurt, and sadness, and loneliness, and guilt I didn't even know where to start. Avoiding him just seemed better.

Aedan had gone back to bed, and everyone else seemed to be trying to pretend nothing had happened, and that we weren't all acting strangely. I was oddly grateful.

Tomas informed us of a change of plans. He decided that we would leave the following day, but instead of heading to Orzammar directly, we were making a side trip to Redcliffe first. He thought that it would only add about two weeks to our travel, including a few days spent in Redcliffe, if we were willing to hike cross-country down to the Circle Tower. From there we could take a boat across Lake Calenhad to Redcliffe. He'd coerced Avernus into giving him much of the Keep's supply of Archdemon blood, and had him write down the ritual required to assemble the new and improved potion. He wanted to swing back and pick up Solona, as well as recruit Jowan. I almost giggled as everyone looked to Aedan for confirmation before agreeing. Even Tomas had a wry smile, and I winked at him when he looked at me.

He again asked Dariel to think about whether he'd like to Join, and gave him until we arrived in Redcliffe to decide. Dariel asked some pointed questions, which Tomas refused to answer; I still thought keeping so many secrets was a poor recruiting strategy. Once we'd proven the decreased death rate with the new Joining formula, I planned to try to talk Tomas into being more open about it. The only secret needed would be that a Grey Warden would perish to slay the Archdemon - but I hoped to convince him to at least tell Cailan - or rather, Theron that. We didn't need the idiot looking for glory again trying to slay the Archdemon personally.

The evening was quiet and we all turned in early. I slept alone, and actually managed to sleep. In the morning, after packing up, we bid goodbye to Avernus and left the Keep. Levi was coming with us to the base of the pass, then planned to get word to his family and bring them up to start getting things organised. Aedan had surreptitiously slipped the man some money to find a couple of extra servants and some furnishings so things would be more comfortable the next time we returned. I would be happy if they just dusted the place.

Without mentioning it, Alistair took my pack like he used to, and just walked off. I stared after him for a few moments, uncertain what to think. But then it occurred to me: guilt. He figured I wouldn't be able to keep up if I had to carry my pack, and felt guilty that our break-up would slow the group down. I followed behind, feeling a little more despondent, if anything.

The hike down the pass was interesting - it led through a bunch of tunnels, like Levi had said, and it was a bit of a rat's maze. No wonder the demon had to help Levi find the way. The group had the foresight to make a mark at every intersection with some charcoal, but it was clear a more permanent way of marking the correct path would be needed.

It was cold, which was not a surprise, and I found myself wearing almost every piece of clothing that I owned to try to stay warm. I didn't have gloves (other than the leather armour, which didn't help much) or a toque, so I pulled my hood up over my helmeted head and wrapped my hands in the excess fabric of my cloak. I'm glad I grew up in a cold climate. Zev looks miserable. The poor elf was huddled in all of the clothes he owned too, and couldn't seem to stop shivering. Sten looked entirely unaffected, though I figured that was mostly bravado. Everyone else was more like me - not happy, but managing.

The further we got from Soldier's Peak, the warmer it got; due to altitude, I assumed. By the time we met Bodahn and bid Levi goodbye, we were all back to normal clothing. Everyone in game mentions Ferelden being an especially cold country, but it hasn't been that bad so far. Maybe I'm just used to it. Canada isn't exactly tropical. I had been told we were coming in to the fall season, so it was going to get colder, and likely soon. I resolved to find somewhere to buy a toque. And wool gloves.

There was a noticeable difference for me in how difficult it was to keep up with everyone. I hadn't realised it before, but everyone had slowed down a bit for me, and they didn't need to anymore. I felt more and more convinced that the Joining had worked, but that something the architect had done to me prevented other Grey Wardens from sensing me. I wondered if the darkspawn would be able to. We wouldn't know until we met up with some, and I was also interested to see if my new stat boosts (I cringed, thinking about it in game terms, but couldn't come up with a better term) would make me a better fighter, too.

At camp, when we finally stopped, I asked Aedan to spar with me like he used to. It had been quite a while since I'd trained, and I needed to get back into it. To my surprise, Tomas offered instead. He stood and grabbed a small shield without even a sword, and then dragged me off to an unused area with decent footing.

I had no idea how to fight someone with a shield, it occurred to me. Aedan and Zev had taught me how to counter the things another dual-wielder would do, but I had never fought someone with a shield. At first, Tomas just blocked and watched me. I tried all the things I would normally use against Aedan, but all he had to do was lift his left arm, and I'd jab my dagger against a shield. I did get in one decent throw - like Wayne had taught me, no one ever expected it - but then he learned to avoid that, and I was done.

After that, he began giving me instructions as I struck. He had me trying to occasionally spin or drop low, both of which mostly resulted in me falling over, but he was teaching me to feint. I had to make him think I'd hit him somewhere, but then spin and hit somewhere else instead. And he knocked me onto my ass with his shield over, and over, and over. He was much less forgiving than Aedan.

After a bit, Aedan came over and tried to stop us. His jaw was clenched, and I knew he was angry at Tomas for being too hard on me. But if I was going to be a Grey Warden, even if in secret, I was damn well going to try to act like one. And that meant knowing how to fight. Being coddled wasn't going to teach me what I needed to know.

I told Aedan to piss off. I am done being feeble.

When Tomas finally quit kicking my ass, I was sore. Not like the pain after the Joining, or when the dragon roasted me alive, but certainly worse than anything else I had experienced. I limped over to the fire, and when I sat to eat, Wynne began casting without even asking first. After the pain of the first bruises eased off, I didn't have the heart to object, and just sighed in relief. And I didn't pass out, for which I was grateful. I gave the motherly mage a hug and kissed her cheek, and she chuckled at me. I wolfed down my supper like I hadn't eaten in a week, triggering a cheeky grin from all three Wardens; I rolled my eyes.

After supper, Aedan, clearly still furious, motioned to Tomas and dragged him off into the bush a ways. Alistair got up and joined them, without being invited. I waited a few minutes, torn, but I knew damn well they were talking about me. I finally stood and followed their tracks.

I hadn't intended to eavesdrop; my plan was to join in the conversation, but when I heard the first angry words hissed under Aedan's breath, I froze.

"...don't know what you thought you were doing, but you're going to go back there and apologise, and tomorrow when she asks, you will let me work with her."

I'd never heard Aedan use such a haughty tone before, to anyone. I was appalled.

Tomas replied, his voice soft, and I had to edge closer to hear it. "...said she would be coming with us into the Deep Roads. Unless you relish seeing her as a broodmother in your nightmares for the rest of your fifty years as a Warden, she needs to be able to at least defend herself."

Aedan released a string of largely unintelligible swear words. "I was teaching her that." It was a whine. I almost laughed; I would have, if I hadn't been so annoyed at Aedan.

Alistair's retort was also quiet. "Aedan, you did teach her. But you know this - if the person you're sparring with isn't going to hit you, there's no impetus to get any better. I'm willing to bet whoever trained you hit you. A lot. How many times did you have to be healed after sparring? The templars training me kept poultices in every pocket. I'm not saying we have to beat her, but she's a Grey Warden now. She needs to be trained, and the trainer needs to be able to hit her."

"You're so good at hurting her, Alistair, you should train with her." I could practically hear Tomas flinch, but Alistair didn't say a word. "What the hell, anyway? You don't want her in the fighting any more than I do."

"I don't, but it's not my choice to make, Aedan. Nor yours. She was wrong about me not loving her, though I have been an ass and totally self-centred. I am learning that if I ever want her back, I need to pay attention and try to understand her better, not repeat the same mistake of thinking every decision she makes is about me. What you're really angry about is her taking the Joining. Maybe it's time you decide to respect her decisions and stop trying to be her father. She's a big girl. Let her live her own life, for once, would you?"

I eased away, then, not eager to be caught eavesdropping and too stunned by what I'd heard to know how to react. I wandered, purposelessly, through the brush around camp, out of sight but within yelling distance. Alistair was trying to make it up to me? I wasn't sure that could ever work, but the fact that he even wanted to was a surprise. I could still see the disgust on his face when he called me a monster. I just couldn't reconcile the two facts. And he defended me against Aedan, when even I knew Alistair would also rather I hadn't Joined, and wasn't going to be fighting.

I finally headed back to camp as the daylight started to wane, no less confused than before. I found everyone polishing armour, sharpening blades, and all the other frequent maintenance required to keep a fighting force efficient. Aedan and Alistair were nowhere to be seen. I was exhausted after all the fighting and the healing, and I wanted my bedroll. When I went looking for canvas to set up my own tent, Leliana approached me.

"You already have a tent set up, Sierra." She pointed at a small tent a little ways from the fire.

"Oh, thanks, Leli. That was sweet of you to think of me." I gave her a quick hug.

"I appreciate the gratitude, but it's misplaced. Look again, yes?"

I looked back at the tent, uncertain what she was trying to say. I stared at the smooth canvas, the single central pole, which instead of standing straight upright...canted just a little bit towards the front. Alistair. Son of a...

"Maker's breath. I don't...I can't even..." I sighed, rubbing my face. It's already set up, bet my bedroll is even laid out. I might as well use it. "I need sleep. Goodnight, Leli."

She grinned at me and nodded. I crawled into the little tent, dropped onto my bedroll, and fell asleep before my head hit the pillow.

In the morning, by the time I was ready to go, breakfast was already cooked. I headed to the fire to eat before packing my things, but before I'd taken two mouthfuls of porridge, Alistair was packing my stuff, had my tent disassembled, and tucked my things with his own packs. Bodahn was going the long way around Lake Calenhad, and we planned to meet him on the highway between Redcliffe and Orzammar later; I was sad not only for the lack of the cheerful dwarf's company, but also his cart to carry all of our things.

When we had all finished eating and bid Bodahn goodbye, Alistair picked up my things, once again, and walked away. I growled in frustration, but dealing with it meant talking to him, and I was far too confused for that. Too angry, still, if I'm honest with myself. We proceeded quite quickly through the northern section of the Bannorn, making good time on the flatter, less forested ground. The group was subdued, hardly anyone speaking, and when they did, it was in whispers.

When I asked Aedan about it, he shrugged. "What did you expect?"