There and Back Again Ch. 065-066

The last few were the worst. Or best, I suppose, depending on your viewpoint. There was one of me asleep, hair mussed, mouth slightly open, head turned as though being cradled by someone. The expression on my face was peaceful, but somehow sensual; I could almost sense the artist's urge to kiss me. The next was less finished than the others. Again it was me, crouched down in front of a body of water, shoulders slumped, arms reaching out for a bundle floating in the water. I recognised it - it was me washing blood out of my clothes and blankets in the lake the night before. The only one who'd been awake at the time was Alistair; he must've followed me quietly to check on me when I'd asked him to leave me alone, and then spent the rest of the night drawing instead of sleeping.

The last one was a close-up of my face, pale and drawn, with dark circles under my eyes and tear tracks running down my cheeks. The expression on my face was fragile, lost, betrayed...I almost cried again, feeling the emotions strike at me, the sheer rawness of the pain portrayed was horrifying.

I could come to only one conclusion: Alistair had a previously unknown hobby. And he'd been watching me - far more closely, and for longer, than I could have predicted.

The thought was sobering. He obviously understood how I felt; the emotion in his drawings were deep and mesmerizing. And from how often that last page had been handled, I could tell he'd been torturing himself with it frequently. I was surprised to realise how much I didn't know about Alistair. This Alistair, the real one - my Alistair, my heart kept insisting, though I'd given up on the concept, I thought - had depths and facets I'd never imagined when playing the game. It shouldn't have been so shocking, but it was.

I rolled up the parchments and put them away, then picked up the phone, turning it on. He'd apparently done more than choose a song; he'd left the photos app open, and I glanced through the pictures and videos in my camera roll. Most of them had been taken the first day I returned with phone in hand; there were dozens of pictures of my companions, in all manner of goofy poses, and videos of people doing stupid things. I smiled as I watched Zev and Aedan horse around; there were even a couple of pictures of Morrigan looking content, smiling.

And then I came upon a video I hadn't even realised someone had taken. It was Alistair and I, walking together. We were holding hands, and he was looking down into my eyes; he stopped me to lean down and kiss me, then press his forehead against mine. I looked radiant, and his smile was so loving it made my heart bleed. I was tempted to delete it, just so I could salvage whatever little shredded bits of my heart that remained, but I couldn't press the button. I close the app and flopped back on the bed, letting the tears come.

Curling my legs up beside me, fetal position, I fumbled with the phone to access my music. 3 Doors Down played while I cried.

I'm here without you, baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you, baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you, baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me
Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love

It was perfect and sad, and goodbye. I knew he wouldn't push me, that he'd decided to leave me alone, and with sudden, perfect clarity, I knew I didn't want him to. Leliana had been right. If I'd wanted him to go away, I shouldn't have sent him back songs, shouldn't have responded at all. I had been angry, but I hadn't wanted him to give up.

I almost got up to go to him, only to remember that look, the one I couldn't get past. That disgusted expression that screamed 'you're a monster'. No matter what I learned about him, no matter what he said, that mental image staggered me every time I thought about it. It was like being stabbed in the heart every single time.

I curled up into a little ball, and cried. I'd done a lot of crying over the past several days, but this was possibly the most bittersweet of them all. Because I'd finally been able to admit that I wanted him back, I wanted to make it work...but I couldn't.

I cried myself to sleep, missing dinner, and slept fitfully all night. I woke early, not rested but at least awake, when I felt a bump and the cessation of the vague movement that had been present since we'd left the tower. We'd arrived at Redcliffe.

I got up and packed my things, leaving them by the door so they wouldn't be in anyone's way. I handed to leather tube containing Alistair's drawings back to Wynne without a word. Up on deck I saw Shale and exchanged silent nods, and got a quick hug from Zevran who was sitting in the bow watching the water in the dim pre-dawn light. No one else seemed to be up, so I went to the kitchen, starving from having missed a meal, and munched while I put out a plate of fruit, bread, and cheese for everyone to pick off of.

Tomas joined me, and we had a brief discussion about what we would do once we disembarked. He planned to conscript Jowan, given the improved chances of surviving the Joining, and send the three mages with Aedan to gather darkspawn blood. I begged him to at least make it a choice for Jowan; not only did it seem fair, but I thought that the irresponsible mage, for once, needed to take responsibility for his choices. If he was going to ever grow up, he needed to choose in an informed manner. Tomas finally agreed to at least warn him that it could be dangerous, and offer him the choice.

One by one the rest started filtering into the kitchen, ending our conversation; I threw Prince a piece of salted beef, and added a slice to a plate I handed to Alistair, without comment. I had to hide my appetite - we couldn't have anyone guessing I was a Grey Warden - nor was I keen for everyone to know I'd had some sort of intense healing to increase my food requirements, but I'd been able to snack enough while cutting up the fruit to just eat one large plate and blame not having supper the night before.

Tomas took Dariel aside and they had a quick, whispered conversation; Dariel shook his head, and I gathered that meant he had decided not to become a Warden. It was too bad; we could have used another healer.

Once everyone was fed, we collected our things and disembarked, thanking the bosun and the Captain for their service. I guessed by their broad smiles that Aedan had left them with a purse full of sovereigns. No one was at the docks in Redcliffe to greet us, being so early and our arrival unexpected, but the Castle was waking as we approached, and there were knights training and servants scurrying about in the courtyard and main foyer.

We found Eamon, Teagan, Theron, and Isolde having breakfast in the main hall, and they all jumped up when we arrived. They welcomed us back to Redcliffe, though the dirty looks Isolde shot at Alistair when she thought no one was looking made it plain hers was fake. It got my back up, and I had to remind myself that it wasn't my place to defend him, even if she was a bitch.

Tomas had a quick, whispered conversation with Eamon. Guessing what that was about, I turned away, and was suddenly scooped into a hug by Teagan. I laughed as he set me back on my feet, kissing my hand, before turning and doing the same to Leliana, Wynne, and even Morrigan. We all giggled like simpering idiots, and I knew the scamp had done it on purpose. Damn, you know you have to be charming to get Morrigan to giggle! He held on to my hand rather too long when he spied Alistair glowering at us, and smirked at me cheekily, one eyebrow raised in question. I just shook my head.

A servant was sent to fetch Solona and Jowan, and others took our gear to our rooms. Once again we borrowed the Redcliffe library for a meeting space. I was standing in the hallway outside the library, chatting with Anders and ignoring Alistair's dirty looks at the blond mage, when he suddenly stopped, mid-sentence, his pasty complexion getting even paler, his mouth dropping open.

I turned to see what he was looking at, and saw Solona standing there with Jowan, exactly the same expression on her face. It didn't take a genius to figure out that they knew each other. Jowan just looked uncomfortable and sad.

"Solona?" Anders turned accusing eyes on me. "You conscripted her? You didn't tell me it was her."

"I volunteered, Anders. And why would she have known that I knew you?" Solona answered for me.

He looked down at me again, and I shook my head. "No, I didn't know. And no, she doesn't know about my, um, talent for foresight."

Anders looked back to her, and the expression on his face changed. It went from anger and shock to some sort of warm, painful longing. He stepped past me, walking towards her slowly, almost looking drunk. She watched him come, expression unreadable. When he got close, he reached out and took her hands, intertwining his own fingers with her. She allowed it, but it was clear she didn't squeeze back.

"Solona." His voice was a caress, exactly how I'd pictured it from the romance options in DA2. "Love?"

She pulled her hands away like she'd been burned. "Love, Anders? Now, you would speak to me of love?" She marched around him, and into the library. I winced on his behalf, seeing the stricken expression on his face. I reached out to pat his shoulder, and encourage him to follow us into the library.

Realising it was Grey Warden business, the rest of our companions had scattered; Jowan went to follow them, but Tomas gestured for him to enter, leaving me in the library with Tomas, Aedan, Alistair, and the three possible recruits. We all sat, Anders watching Solona as hungrily as Prince watched a slab of meat, and the beautiful mage ignoring him entirely. Tomas cleared his throat.

"We came back, because we are now able to move forward with the Joining. Solona and Anders, you are recruits. From here on in, you will comport yourselves as Grey Wardens. You are no longer volunteers, and you cannot choose to leave. Jowan, I bring you a choice. Arl Eamon has decided to send you back to the Circle, where you will be made Tranquil."

"I figured as much." To his credit, he didn't rail against his fate. "I deserve nothing more, after all I've done."

"I bring you another choice. I can, instead, conscript you to the Grey Wardens. We do not discriminate against blood mages as the Chantry does; you would be outside their purview. However, I will also warn you, as I have done for Solona: becoming a Grey Warden is dangerous, and changes you forever. Fate may choose for you to make your sacrifice now, instead of later."

The mage sat thoughtfully for a few moments. "I am honoured by the offer." He was oddly formal, without whining. Solemn, even. I was impressed. "I accept. I would like the chance to make amends for what I've done, and that will be difficult as a Tranquil. If I die, death will be my atonement."

Tomas nodded. "Then this is what we must do. Aedan, you must ready your charges for battle: get them fed and equipped as best you can from the armoury here and the blacksmith in the village. Tomorrow at first light, the four of you will head east, towards Lothering, until you find darkspawn. You will each gather a vial of darkspawn blood from your own kills. When you return, we will see to the Joining." Tomas gave a coin purse to Aedan to buy what he needed; it was the same one Aedan had given to Tomas after Denerim.

The predictable questions about what they required darkspawn blood for ensued, and Tomas dodged them, as always. I could see, though, that they all had a good idea; honestly, it wasn't exactly rocket science. Aedan rounded the three mages up, introduced them all to Prince, and headed up to the armoury to find what they needed. The rest of us were to have a couple of days of rest while we waited for the recruits to return. I wondered what would happen between Solona and Anders while they were gone.