There Must Be a Mistake Ch. 02

"I don't want you to be late for it either. I don't want to be late for my period ever again."

"I understand. I will bring all the literature home with me."

Rod didn't even notice that Rosalynn's hair and makeup were already done and she was wearing nice clothing. He was too absorbed with what he had to do during the day. He looked up the vasectomy procedure on Web M.D., read everything about it, and realized, intellectually, that the procedure was nothing. They would not have to put him to sleep, only give him a mild tranquilizer to make him comfortable. They would inject him with a local anesthetic, find the Vas by feel. The Doctor would make a tiny incision in his scrotum, cut the Vas, and cauterize both ends to seal it; then go to the other side, and repeat this process. The tiny incisions are closed with stitches that dissolve, and do not have to be removed. This procedure takes less than thirty minutes. The doctor chooses if he wants to do it in his office or at an outpatient facility. Much to Rod's surprise, it was covered by his insurance policy.

He also about read the risks and possible complications of this surgical technique, and found that they were reasonable.

Rod was in the kitchen with four of his children. The baby was in his bouncer, the two girls were sitting at the table eating their cereal, and his 6-year-old namesake was waiting for his eggs.

A familiar voice, but one that was not supposed to be in his house, said to him, "I'll take care of this, go get ready for your doctors' appointment."

Cautiously, he turned his head to the right hoping he was wrong. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw no one was there.

He thought to himself, "I must be very nervous about this morning. My mind is playing tricks on me."

"Rod, you are going to burn those eggs. Get ready for your appointment; I'll take care of the kids."

He got bumped out of the way, by a physical body. His mind might be playing tricks on him, but he knew body contact when he felt it. He turned to his left and screamed. "What Are You Doing In My House?"

"I'm not in your house; I'm in my bed sleeping. Get out of my dream. I didn't invite you. I am in bed with a blond God thinking about having sex with him, and you have turned this into a nightmare. Be Gone, SATAN; Be Gone."

Rosalynn walked into the kitchen. "Delicious, you are going to cause my husband to have a heart attack. I don't want any more children, but I do want my husband."

"Roz, he is so much fun in the morning. Actually, he is so much fun all day long. I now know why you married him. Rod you burned your son's eggs."

"Good, now I can use the frying pan on your head. Roz can I kill her please? No one has been able to do what she can do to me."

"That's why I am going to keep her, she honey. The next time you come home with an attitude like yesterday, I will make sure to have Delicious by your side the next day. Isn't that a delightful thought? I know it is for me."

"I would rather die first."

"If that's the case, Rod, would you make sure your insurance policies are paid up to date?"

"Is that all I am to you, a money machine?"

"Of course not, you are also a source of entertainment, both in the bedroom, and around the house. Now, it's 7:50, if you don't start getting ready, you will miss your 8:30 appointment, and you will be sleeping in your office again tonight."

"You have to answer me one question first before I get dressed. What is she doing here?"

"Isn't it obvious, Rod? I'm going to the doctor with you. I'm going to hold your hand. I'm going to listen to every word he has to say on the subject of vasectomy. I am not going to get pregnant because you forgot something he said."

"In other words you think I would lie to you about something as important as this."

Delicious said, "Does he always have a problem understanding what you say?"

Rosalynn replied, "No, not always, but he seems to be under a little stress this morning. I'll take him out to breakfast after the doctors' appointment. Then I'll take him to the little hotel you told me about, and relax him, before he has to put your name on the deed to Even's land."

"That should help him a lot. Uncle Even and I talked a lot while we went into Denver to purchase our cars. He told me how much my mother was going to inherit in his will, and now was going to be coming to me. He slipped when he told me how much Rod was going to..." Delicious slapped her hand over her mouth, stomped her foot on the floor, and started saying "stupid, stupid, stupid."

Rod took her by the shoulders, and shook her. "Even told you how much I'm getting in his Will?"

In an aggrieved voice she replied, "I am so sorry Rod, my uncle is going to kill me. It just dropped out of his mouth in conversation. He swore me to secrecy. I can't tell you. Please don't force me to tell you because my uncle will disinherit both of us."

He shook her again and demanded, "Tell me how much am I getting, Delicious. I have to know. I've been dying to know since he went to the other law firm and they drew up his will."

Roz got in between them. "Don't do this to her Rod. You are putting her in a very tenuous position. If she tells you, both of you could be disinherited. If she tells Even you forced it out of her, he could disinherit you and give everything to her. Leave things as they are. Get ready for your appointment; I don't want you to be late. Move it, and leave things alone."

"I'm going to kill him for telling her and not me."

"He made a mistake in telling his niece, and swore her to secrecy. Get ready for the doctor, and do it now."

After Roz heard the bedroom door close she turned to Delicious and said, "Let me guess, Even tell you a thing."

"Would I do something like that to your husband? Would I torment him by holding that knowledge away from him for the next fifty years of his life? Am I that evil?"

"I will answer your questions in the order stated: Question 1. YES Question 2. YES Question 3. YES. Delicious I have never seen my husband act like this since the day we met. You are evil; please teach me how you do it."

"I would love to Roz, but it is just a natural talent, and my mother honed it to a sharp edge when I hit puberty.

There was a sharp tugging on her pant leg and she looked down to see a pair of blue eyes looking up at her. She picked him up and said, "My name is Delicious. What is your name?"

"My name is Rod. Who gave you the name of a strawberry?"

"What do you mean Rod?"

"I love strawberries. Strawberries are delicious. Why did someone name you after strawberries?"

"They didn't name me after just a strawberry. They named me after everything that tastes Delicious. Do you like bananas?"

"Yes, but not as much as strawberries."

"Is there anything that you like as much as strawberries?"

"Yes, my mommy."

Roz cracked up.

Delicious continued. "How about your daddy; is he as good as strawberries?"

"No."

"What is your daddy like?"

"My daddy is like prunes."

Roz had to put her hand in her mouth and bit down to control her laughing.

"Do you like prunes?"

"No, they get your hands all sticky."

That was all for Roz she had to make a run for the bathroom, because she was about to pee her pants. She didn't make it.

"Would you like me to make eggs for you again?"

"Are they going to be better than my daddy's?"

"Tell me how you like your eggs, and I'll make them anyway you want."

"Can you make them with the fun side up?"

"I can do that, but only if you help me."

"I'm not supposed to go near the oven."

"That's correct. I want you to stand by the sink and hand me my tools. Can you do that?"

"Yes I can."

"Good.

*****************

Rod was not particularly happy with the news the doctor gave him after his examination. As they sat in the doctors' consultation room, Rod was given some information that was not available to him online. They were going to shave every hair off him, from the top of his pubic bone to the center of his thighs, including his scrotum. When he advised him of this part of the procedure he cringed. However, when he looked at Roz, she had had a huge smile on her face. He was told he would have to wear a condom for at least two months after the procedure, or until his sperm count was zero. He had expected to have to use condoms for possibly a week but not anymore than that. He hated those fuckers with a passion. They took all the spontaneity out of making love.

Roz saw the consternation on his face and knew exactly what he was thinking about. She said, "I have an idea. Why don't you move in with Even for two months, and I'll have Delicious move in with me. You will be living with a celibate male and won't have to think about having sex at all. I won't be around to tempt you, and Delicious won't be around to annoy you. You will have the best of both worlds."

"Fuck you Roz."

"That's the problem Rod. You cannot get that out of your mind. I have spoiled you all these years. Now, when it's your time to step up to the plate and help me, you are unwilling to do it. You would think I am asking you to live a celibate life for a year, in an all-girls nudist colony. There are other ways of having sex, Rod. We have enjoyed them many times. I don't know what your problem is."

"Rosalynn, I don't know either. It's an easy enough procedure. The recovery time is minimal. I sit behind a desk to do my work so there is no problem there. I think I need a good swift kick in the ass to get myself going again. This last five days thinking about Even and Delicious has thrown me into a tailspin, and it's far from over yet. I can't see myself going to a psychiatrist over something as stupid as this, but if I can't get out of this funk I'm in, I'm going. I don't have to know what Even left me in his Will. He has made me rich in my own right. We will never want for money, and there I am this morning, screaming at Delicious trying to get out of her how much money I am going to get when my best friend dies. It's like I'm hoping he is going to die tomorrow, when I hope he lives forever, because I love that stupid son of a bitch. He is the most absent-minded human being on the planet, and one of the smartest men I know. He tells me to have the tow truck driver bring me home, but he never called the tow truck. How ridiculous is that."

"Come with me Rod, you need a rubdown."

"The kids will never give us enough time."

"I have a babysitter, remember?"

"I hope they have her tied up and hanging from the railings on the second floor."

As they sat down in the car, and closed the doors, Roz said, "Even didn't tell Delicious anything about his Will." She immediately covered her ears.

Rods scream could be heard at both ends of the street and in the restaurant they had just departed.

Rosalynn sat beside him and patted his back. "Do you feel better now dear?"

"I left my six children with the devil's daughter. They will never be the same again. We must take them to church, and have them re-baptized. We must pray that God will forgive us for leaving them with that woman."

"If that is the way you feel, Rod; there is no hope for your redemption. You have threatened to kill that girl at least a half dozen times. You know what you must do to be pardoned for that sin. You must beg her forgiveness."

"Never, I will never do that; it would be like Saint Michael the Archangel saying to the devil 'I am sorry I have to do this but I'm sending you to hell.' I will never apologize to Delicious. She is enough to drive an Army of men running for the hills."

"I was hoping to spend eternity with you Rod."

"Please don't do this to me Roz."

"Am I asking so much of you to try to be nice to a sixteen-year-old girl, with a vivid imagination and a wonderful sense of irony?"

"Is that what they call it now? She drives me insane Rosalynn."

"Yes, I can see that; but why are you the only one she does it to, and seems to enjoy it so much? What did you do to her, during that one day in Waterville, to have her start you down this road to perdition?"

"I have gone over it in my mind 100 times, and the only thing I can think of is I put about a milligram of Valium in her diet 7-Up to let her rest on the way to Denver. She had a stressful few days, and Even wanted her to sleep. When she woke up from her nap she tore me a new ass hole telling me it was illegal to dispense medicine to someone it was not prescribed for. She threatened to have my license taken away."

"Rod, the girl likes you. You are the brother she never had, and she is making up for lost time."

"Have her find someone else to be her sibling."

"You forced Even to go to Waterville, Rod. You were the one in the funeral home who said she certainly looked 'Delicious' as she sat there in a see-through blouse and a skirt that nearly showed everything. She is enjoying the hell out of your conversations. You invigorate her mind. She has your number, and in your lifetime no one else has ever found it. I told her that the other day. I said that you did not have an anger gene in your body, but you were angry yesterday morning. I couldn't believe it myself. When you came home last evening, I thought you were going to explode. I have never seen you like that since we met. These have been the best days of our marriage as far as I am concerned. You get me angry all the time, and there is nothing I can do to you to get you angry. You stand there and smile at me. Now there is someone that can get you angry, and I can smile at you. Isn't life grand?"

"Let's go to the hotel, and I'll show you how grand life is."

"I only brought a dozen condoms, so you only get six chances today. Make the most of them husband, and don't you dare tell me that one slipped off, because you will not leave their room alive."

"Delicious is affecting your mind. How can I be held responsible if a condom slips off me?"

"You will be wishing for it to happen, thereby getting me pregnant before the operation. You will say it was not your fault. I will tell the police that you ran backwards into a steak knife thirty times because you loved me. I hope they believe me, because you will bleed out before I call them."

"Do you have a steak knife in your pocketbook?"

"Would you like to see it? It's from your mother's set."

"You took a knife from my mothers' sterling silver cutlery set?"

"You better believe I did. Those knives can cut through silk without snagging it."

"I'm not sure I want to go to the hotel with you. The aftereffects could be very painful."

"I know, but just think of all the pleasure you going to miss beforehand. It's exactly what I was talking to you about with Even. You either live a full life, or you live behind a ten foot high electrified fence. Take your choice Rod."

He looked at his beautiful wife, and thought for a nanosecond. "Where did you say this hotel was?"

**************

Meanwhile, Delicious was playing games with their six children. Everyone was sitting in a circle in the playroom listening to what she had to say:

Does everyone know what an Army is? There was a cacophony of yeses and no's'. Delicious explained what an army was and then told them that she was the General, which put her in command, and they were her troops. They had to do what she told them to do without asking any questions. She told Jeffrey, the seven year old, that he was the Colonel, which made him second in command. Steven, the oldest six-year-old was the Major. Rod, the youngest six-year-old was the Captain. Rose, the four-year-old, was the First Lieutenant. Lily, the three-year-old, was the Second Lieutenant. Adam, the one-year-old, was the entire infantry Battalion. He didn't have to take orders from anyone. He could roam around at will, until he was three years old.

Then she explained the game. When mommy tells us it's time for dinner everyone had to wash their hands, both sides, and present them to the Colonel for inspection. If they are clean he will tell you to stand by your room until everyone else has clean hands. Then by order of rank, Colonel, Major, Captain, First Lieutenant, Second Lieutenant, you will walk downstairs and stand in front of your mother. You will show her your hands, and she will be surprised. Then you will surround her and kiss her from making dinner. You will always be gentle with your mother. Now comes the fun part. When your father comes into the room, you will scream at the top of your lungs, "Charge." Run to your father and tackle him until he falls to the ground. Daddies love to play rough with their children. He may complain but he is only fooling. We will play this game for the next two weeks, and then we will change it to another game. Does everyone understand?"

Everyone said, "Yes," but Jeffrey said, "It doesn't sound like a lot of fun to me."

"This game isn't a lot of fun. This game is just to see if you can follow directions. If you can follow directions the next game will be more fun. The game after that will be even more fun. Is that okay?"

"Yes, that sounds better."

"Good, now we are going to practice. First I am going to be your mommy, and I am going to call you to dinner. I want to see what you do, okay. I am going to go into the kitchen and say to you that dinner is ready."

"Children, dinner is ready."

Five children ran upstairs to the bathroom and started to wash their hands, both sides. When Jeffrey finished he stood by the exit and inspected his brothers and sisters hands. He told Rod and Lily to do their hands again. After everyone was inspected, they got in line and walked downstairs, just like soldiers. They stopped in front of Delicious, and extended their hands.

Delicious said, "Wow, what wonderful children I have."

The children gathered around her and hugged her as they would their mother. Delicious hugged each one and kissed the top of their heads. She told them to stay right where they were and she was going to leave the room and come in the way their father would. They were to greet her just like she told them to greet their father.

In a gruff voice she said, "Dinner smells delicious dear."

The children yelled, "Charge!" They ran at delicious hitting her legs as hard as they could. She feigned falling on the floor, and the children crawled on top of her.

Delicious cried out, "Perfect, absolutely perfect, what smart children you are. I only had to tell you how to do this one time and you have it perfect already. I couldn't be prouder of you if I tried. Would you like to try it again?"

They all yelled, "YES." They did it three more times, until Delicious thought her legs might be black and blue by the time she went home.

The children had a wonderful day. At 4 o'clock, Delicious preheated the oven, put the roast in, with the potatoes, set the timer, and returned to watch the children. During the day she and Jeffrey had done some math practice work, which he said he was having problems with at school last year, and only got a C on his report card. Delicious told him that a C in math would never do. She asked him if he liked computers and he showed her his little computer.

"Jeffrey, I'm going to tell your daddy to get you a better computer. It will help you with your math, but so will I. Why don't we start today so I can see where you need help?"

She only let him stay with the math problems for an hour because she did not want to tire him out. During that time she saw were his problems were and helped him begin to correct them. Rosalynn would be able to continue this work with him, and within a month or two he should be at grade level or higher. She would continue working with him to make sure he was doing well also.

At 6 o'clock the timer went off. She removed the roast from the oven, and let it rest on top of the stove. She set the table and went in to speak to the children.