Thoughts On Size

As a constant source of embarrassment that seemingly calls my masculinity into question, it's a hard thing to admit. But I guess there's really no other way to say it, so I might as well come right out with it. When it comes to the size of my penis, I come up short. Pun intended.

In a strange way, it's liberating to admit. But it's also the cause of a great deal of insecurity.

No, I'm not anywhere close to the eight inch feast of man sausage most men on the internet proclaim to own. Nor do I have the five to six inches most surveys reveal most men really have. No, I'm the guy at the lower end of the bell curve, the one bringing down the class average. I check in at just over three and half inches when fully erect. And believe me, I don't make up for lack of length with an abundance of girth either. There's no two ways about it, I'm small.

Seeing as I'm six foot-two with a body on the slender side makes my predicament even more awkward. If only I could trade some of my height for a little extra length. And yes, I've been known to stand naked in front of a mirror and look at myself. And I've seen enough of those shows about plastic surgery to know that I probably feel the same sense of insecurity that some women when looking at their breasts that may not be as voluptuous as they like.

It's strange in a way, because I don't think I've ever heard anyone admit to less than five inches. But surely they must be out there. I can't be the only one, can I?

Over the years I've tried a number of different things to try and make myself appear larger. Unfortunately, completely shaving my pubic hair just makes me seem like an absurdly tall fifth grader. When I let my pubic hair grow wild as I gather most men do, my cock seemingly gets lost in the jungle. As a result, I've generally opted for the trimmed look.

Truth be told, it's easy to joke about my size from the anonymous comfort of a random post on the internet, but dealing with my size in a real life situation is another matter. I think as long as I've been sexually aware, I've always realized I was something less than well-endowed. Size was something that always seemed to be discussed in a roundabout way. It was joked about and hinted at enough to make me aware that penis size was relevant.. I went to great lengths to avoid being seen naked by other men in the locker room, and my size was something I was successful enough at concealing, but seeing my classmates in the locker room, I instinctively knew I wasn't like them.

At best, my size has been a source of embarrassment and insecurity. At worst it's caused me to question my masculinity. As I moved from high school to college and sex was something that was more openly discussed, my lack of size was something that I became more and more self-conscious about. In a lot of ways it shaped my self image and my sexuality. I've always been a bit introverted, but I think my feelings of inadequacy made me even more so. My lack of confidence caused me to withdraw and feel awkward and uncomfortable around women, especially ones I was attracted to. In turn, this meant that most of my interactions with women tended to be with women that approached me. Of course, the kind of women that approach men tend to be aggressive and self-confident. That fact, coupled with my lack of size and self-confidence has always made me feel submissive in sexual situations, which in turn caused me to question my masculinity. It was like this never-ending circle that fed on itself, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I'm aware that most women say that size doesn't really matter, and that it's the motion of the ocean, and not the size of the wave that really matters. To this day I don't know if I really believe that, but still it doesn't matter to me. Just as it doesn't matter to some women when men say a woman's breast size doesn't matter, my insecurity about my size is ingrained.

But just the fact that questions about penis size are even asked makes it obvious that it is at least a factor. Maybe individual women don't care, but society as a whole must, or else the topic would rarely be addressed.

How has my size affected me? First of all, I'm not sexually experienced by any means. In fact, I would say I'm far from it. But even with my earliest sexual experiences, I remember feeling self-conscious even though my size never seemed to come into play. Probably because my partners were inexperienced enough themselves not to know any better, or because my sexual experiences weren't long enough where my size really mattered.

There have been other occasions however, where my size did come into play. In college, I distinctly remember a situation with a woman I had been desperately attracted to for some time. After months of anxiety about the situation and what might happen, we finally became intimate. Upon seeing me naked for the first time, her response was to grin and remark how "cute" it was. Let me say, calling a man's cock "cute" is no way build a man's confidence. The fact that we parted ways less than a month later didn't help my self-esteem either.

Another time during an initial intimate encounter, I found myself on my back as my partner unbuckled my belt and slid off my pants. As I looked down to see her reaction when my hard cock first emerged, I watched her look on in disbelief. She managed to stifle her chuckle when she glimpsed the look of horror on my face. Thankfully, she didn't call it cute.

During a recent encounter, my partner didn't pull any punches. Without missing a beat when she saw my cock for the first time, she declared it the smallest cock she had ever seen. To her credit, she didn't seem deterred by that fact, but rather reveled in the novelty of it all.

I really have no way of knowing if my experiences are typical or even common. Again, I'm not at all sexually experienced, and I do admit most of the time my size is never even addressed, either before, during, or after the fact. Still the fact that it's come up with at least three women, seems to suggest size is at least on some women's mind, even if others are too polite to mention it.

Again, all these experiences and encounters seem to circle back on themselves. In a way, it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy, where my lack of size has dictated my sexuality. It's made me feel timid and insecure, embarrassed and submissive, and even to question my masculinity.

The strong, virile, well-endowed man is the one that is characterized as powerful and masculine. It is that image that is portrayed as desirable to women. With physical characteristics that don't meet that ideal, it's hard for the mind to overcome the stereotype. And for me, in a way it feels natural to assume the opposite role, and become a docile and submissive figure.

Indeed, most of my relationships have centered around me assuming that submissive role. Not necessarily in an overtly D/s role, but usually where my female partner assumes the role of the aggressive predator, while I assume the role of submissive prey. In other words, I always seem to assume the stereotypical female role, while my female partners tend to assume the stereotypical male role.

In most cases, these assumed relationships are metaphorical, but there has been occasion where they've crossed from the metaphorical into the literal. In one relationship, I literally assumed the female role of being penetrated by my partner wielding a strap-on dildo.

In some ways it's hard to fathom such a complete role reversal stemming solely from my feelings of inadequacy due to my lack of size. It's also a hard thing to admit, as it confirms that in my mind at least, my masculinity is tied to my physical endowment. But in a way, it has to be.

For me, it's hard to imagine a virile, physically well-endowed man assuming a literally feminine role in the way I have. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it. Yet at the same time, it felt natural for me, or at least as natural as it could, based on the fact that part of my masculinity seems stripped away by my lack of size.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that size does matter. Perhaps it doesn't matter to everyone in the same way, but it does in fact matter to both men and women alike whether they admit it or not. Perhaps it matters in subtle ways, and in ways we don't like to acknowledge, but it's always there, lurking.

I suppose the eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room is the fact that even if it's on no one else's mind, it is definitely on my mind. The obvious retort would be to say that it's my problem and that I should get over it, but it's not really that simple. Looking from the outside in, perhaps it is, but for me, in the middle of the storm, it's not.

I don't know if my experiences make me special or unique. I suspect they don't. I've just never heard them discussed from this perspective. And now I have to say, I'm glad I've got that all off my chest.