Throwing Caution to the Wind

I can't believe I am doing this. It really is rather embarrassing. But, I guess I must. My sex therapist thought it would be in my best interest to get my thoughts down. He called it "an un-addressed letter writing exercise" and said it was very therapeutic in its own right. So, here goes nothing!

I'm addicted to sex. There, I said it. I am addicted to sex. I'm sure many would laugh at that statement or think "good!", but it's not good. It consumes me, my addiction, and has debilitated me at times. I've become consumed by my need, and believe me when I say it is a need and not a want.

Please understand that I am not "bragging" about my sex life or anything of the like. I'm not. There are many times that I wished my libido wasn't this strong. It's hard to function when your life is controlled by a body part. I masturbate a minimum of four times a day, even when I have an active sex life with a partner or partners, and have even found myself taking time away from my work to slip into the ladies room, the Xerox room, and even hidden corners in the shop.

My therapist has called my condition Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome, or PSAS for short. That means no matter how often I masturbate or even have sex with others I am not satisfied. There is little to no relief and I still feel that urge once the act is done. Past partners have said things like, "Wow! You're still so wet!" or "I can't believe you want to go again! Your sex dive is even higher than mine!"

Once, a man even asked, "Are you sure you didn't used to be a man?" He assured me that he was joking, but his comment still struck me. I suppose offended would be too strong of a word. I am all woman. I was born female. I grew my own parts as I aged, instead of buying them from a surgeon, and I never took extra estrogen. Likewise, I have never been on any form of testosterone therapy or steroids.

Sure, my clit is large. Many lovers have told me it was the largest they had seen. Was that a "polite lie", perhaps them thinking they were paying me a compliment? Perhaps. Nonetheless, to hear it as often as I have tells me that it must be larger than normal.

My nipples are also larger than other women's, I believe. They've been described as "pencil erasers", "gumdrops", and even "Hershey kisses". They are quite sensitive and remain hard all the time. No joke. I cannot remember a time when my nipples weren't stiff.

Another embarrassment of mine is my constant wetness. Seriously. My pussy is always wet. I have noticed wet spots in the crotch of my jeans or slacks and even along the rear of my skirts after sitting for long periods of time. And with that wetness comes the smell of arousal. I fear that others can smell me when I walk by.

If someone's look seems to linger, if they snicker, or if they outright leer at me is it because of my PSAS? I have found that I am self-conscious about this. I worry about the outwardly appearances of arousal and find that it arouses me even more! My face flushes, goosebumps cover my flesh, my nipples harden all the more...and then that worry of the smell comes.

I worry about being in a crowded elevator, crowded subway car, in a parking garage walking to my car, or even in a dark movie theater and being overpowered by a strong man mistaking my disorder as an invitation. I picture him ravishing me; squeezing my breasts until I squeal or plunging his fingers haphazardly into me with no regard to my comfort.

I picture myself struggling against him, perhaps saying "no" over and over again if my mouth is not covered, and him laughing at me as he comments about how wet I am and that I must really want it after all. I know I would be embarrassed if that happened to me for real. I think if I wasn't truly harmed from it I wouldn't even report a rape to the police for fear of that embarrassment.

How could I convince them, or a jury if it ever came to it, that I didn't want it? I would be called a tease. They would say that I egged the man on or that "my mouth wrote a check my ass couldn't cash" or something similar. And ya know what? I'm not so sure that they wouldn't be right.

Sadly, this too gives me a sexual response. As I previously mentioned, this condition is debilitating. I don't know how to function anymore. I wish there was some type of "cure" for me, that I could finally become sated.

As I finish this letter I find that I must go take care of myself once again!

Luv, me