Tied to Sam

He gives out a burst of laughter.

'That's such a Cora Comment!'

'Yeah?'

'Hmm. Anyway, about this experience/inexperience thing.'

'Yes?'

His hands are restless around my waist.

'When you said you don't have much experience, how much is not very much?'

'Is that a riddle, Sam?'

But I'm not teasing him. Not really. So I answer him more seriously.

'Um, ok, I'll summarise. Things I've done include lots of kissing, having a guy touch me all over but mostly still in clothes. Or at least – I'm saying I've never been completely naked with anyone. And I've been inside a guy's underwear. Sometimes,' I finish, wishing I could've said all that without going bright red, or dancing around the subject like a kid.

'Now you have to tell me yours, Sam,' I say, cringing at how he must be thinking I'm little more than a green teenager.

'Ok. But before we get to that – why haven't you gone any further than that?'

I give him a look.

'Hey, hey. I'm asking because I don't want to take anything for granted. And we haven't ever really talked about things like this, have we, in all the years we've been friends?'

'I don't really know, Sam. Just didn't feel like I wanted to do more at the time.'

'So it's not about the church? Because if it is, I'd respect that.'

'Hey, you're the one still wearing a crucifix, Sam, not me.'

'Fair point,' he concedes.

'No, it's not about the church. I'm not saving myself for my wedding night or anything like that. So? What about you?'

'Well, I'm not saving myself for marriage either. But I am still a virgin.'

I'm really shocked, and show it.

'That surprises you?'

'Yes. I thought – well, I just thought you would have had lots of girlfriends by now.'

'I have. And I've been in bed with them too.'

'Then why –? How?'

'Ok, well, full confession, Cora. At school, once I started to want girls, I found I only wanted you.'

He pulls my hands into his, pushing his fingers through mine, to distract me from interrupting him, I think.

'I know – you didn't have a clue, did you? I didn't say anything to you then because I could see you didn't feel the same about me at all. And I was dead scared of your mum. Even so, I sort of hoped you'd start to feel the same about me one day. That we might've been each other's first.'

He shrugs. I pinch his fingers in mine.

'Sam. I had no idea.'

'I know. And since you've been away at college I just haven't met anyone I wanted to lose it with. Not even with someone as nice as Alyssa.'

He gives me a wry smile.

'I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me.'

'Oh Sam.'

We sit there for a bit, taking it in. Our confessions.

He pulls our hands together in front of me, then lets them go as he reaches up to my hair, a wicked smile on his face.

'I'm taking my life in my hands, Cora, and I'm touching a black girl's hair. I've been itching to do this for so long.'

He knows this will make me laugh. It's a thing we used to joke about a lot – how no man should ever, not ever, try to talk about, or touch, a black girl's hair without her express and prior permission. He's pulling my hair out of the ponytail it's been in all day today. And to be honest, my hair's not proper black girl's hair. I suppose it's from my dad's side of the family, and he's white, so it's just kind of wavy. Sam's pulling it down around my face; fearlessly running his hands through it.

Still thinking about what he's said, the words he's used to say it, I start picking at the buttons down the front of my dress. He drops his hands to push the dress off my shoulders and down my arms as I release it, button by button, pulling it open, his eyes moving between my face and my breasts. I'd felt a bit silly putting on one of my nicest bras after showering this afternoon, and now I'm glad I did. It's just white lace with a little blue trim to it, but it's pretty. He seems rather transfixed by it.

Hmm. I slip my arms out of the sleeves of the dress and it sinks down around my waist.

Sam's hands are hot and big around my ribcage. It's his turn to watch me wriggle and shiver, finding out what's ticklish for me. As he thumbs over my nipples through the lace I jump, feeling it inbetween my legs.

'Nice?' he asks, and I nod.

He does it again, and again.

I kiss him, and kiss him again. And again.

I think we're getting really good at it.

He reaches around my back, asking me with his eyes, plucking at the hooks once he knows he has permission. Draws each strap gently down my arms. He looks for long enough I begin to wonder if there's something unusual about them, or if he's disappointed. I look down; am taken by surprise when he uses his hands to tip me back a little, and kisses my left breast. Lightly. On the side. Pressing his cheek to it.

'Let's start where the heart is,' he's murmuring.

And licks all the way along the underside in to my sternum, presses his mouth there.

'I can feel your heartbeat,' he says, his lips dancing on my skin.

I'm sure he can. I feel like it's about to drum its way out of my body.

He's not stopping, swinging his head and tongue underneath my right breast, along my side, tracing each rib, then back again. His stubble is rough – like coarse sandpaper, if you will – and we both discover that if he brushes his chin or cheek close to a nipple, it makes me gasp. He tortures me by pushing his chin over my nipple in a circle, not stopping until I start to squirm too much for him to hold me still. It's hot and raw, almost sore. He opens his mouth; I hold my breath and watch as he sucks on it, his warm mouth still cooler than my nipple, then releases it. Blows air on it.

'Oh fuck, Sam,' I can't stop myself from saying.

He's surprised. I feel it in his body. I don't say that word often. Not out loud anyway. I am still a bit churchy, huh.

'Ok?'

I gasp and laugh and shake in his hands. And twist to push my right breast to him.

'And this one?'

His eyes widen.

'I didn't think you'd be like this, C.'

'Is that good or bad?'

He grunts.

'Both.'

And dutifully treats my right nipple in the same way. Maybe for longer. It feels endless. A beautiful torture. I raise my arms over my head. He opens an eye to look. Abandons kissing my breast and jerks me into his chest.

'Cora, bloody hell, you're amazing, you know that?'

I drop my arms around him, kiss his neck below his ear.

'Will you come with me, Sam?' I ask him quietly, into his ear, nervous of saying the words out loud.

'Because that's what you meant, isn't it? When you said you hadn't wanted to lose it with anyone before? Not just your virginity, but not coming either?'

He tightens his arms around me like a vice. So tight.

'Yes.'

I suck on his earlobe.

Then push him away to run the palms of my hands down his chest. Pinch his nipples to see how he likes it. He jerks at it, his hips lifting both of us upwards. And laughs, almost giggles, as I touch my fingers along his stomach and down to his jeans – so cute, but I can't say that to him. He has to help me unbutton the fly. I shift my hips back to give us more room, pulling my bra out of the way, balancing on him as he lifts us higher, pulling his jeans and underwear down his hips, sighing, his cock freed from his boxers.

'Better?' I ask him, looking at the relief on his face.

'Much. It was getting pretty uncomfortable,' he smiles, adjusting himself again.

I haven't really seen one as clearly as this. The head is shiny. It looks sticky.

'How do you touch it?' I ask, suddenly, reaching for his hand.

'Huh?'

He wasn't expecting that.

'Show me how you touch it,' I say, grinning at the surprise in his lovely blue eyes.

He blinks, lifts his chin just a little, like he does when he's accepting a challenge.

'First of all, I'm right-handed, Cora,' he grins back, holding up his right hand in my face.

I drop the hand I'd taken hold of.

'Well ok –,' but he cuts me off with a kiss.

And uses his hand (the right one) to grab mine and pull it down to him, wrapping it around his cock. It's hot, and really wet around the head. He pulses in my palm. I hold still around him, torn between his kiss and wanting to look at his cock. Both feel so good. I moan. He throbs more heavily in my hand. I moan again, my brain overloading, feeling him respond again. I twitch my hand, break away from his mouth and look down to where we're both holding him.

'You look really sticky,' I say, moving my hand again over his head.

'Bloody hell,' Sam's voice is shaking.

I look up at his face.

'Nice?' I ask, smoothing my fingertips around him.

He exhales.

'God, C. More than nice.'

He covers my hand with his again, starts to move it up and down the length of him.

'I don't think this is going to take long. I'm amazed I haven't come already, but if you do this –,' he breaks off, shutting his eyes for a second or two.

I follow his lead as he pulls my hand up and down him, riding him as his hips jerk us both around on the seat. I lean into him, wanting to be closer, lie my head against his neck.

'Are you going to come with me, Sam?'

He growls deep in his throat. His whole body seems to stop, tense, press down into the sofa. And then he comes. Releases a shout, snatches me hard onto his chest as we both pump at his cock, like he needs me to squeeze it out of him, hot and wet all over my chest and his stomach; his heart frantic.

He clutches me to him until his breathing starts to quieten. Kisses the side of my face.

Opens his eyes.

I kiss his mouth. Gently. He looks soft; vulnerable.

'Sam,' I kiss the word into him.

He squeezes the air out of me, hugging me.

Some time passes, I'm not sure how long. But I sense he needs it.

He rubs my back. We let go of his cock, leaving our hands there together in the slick heat.

When I feel him inhaling deep into his chest, I sit upright. His head is way back on the sofa. I raise myself up so I can look into his face. His eyes seem really bright when he looks back at me.

'Ok?' I whisper.

He nods.

I kiss the corners of his eyes.

'Cora,' he starts, his voice hesitant, 'I'm trying not to say it, because I know it's –,'

I kiss his mouth, watch the struggle in his eyes.

'Say what?' I ask him. 'Say it. Maybe I want to hear it, Sam.'

'I love you. I do.'

'Me too,' I say, simply.

Because it is simple. I just don't know why I hadn't seen it before.

He stares at me.

'I love you, Sam. How could I not? You're my best friend. And this –,' I laugh, wriggle my hips on him, 'this was a great idea and I don't know how we didn't get around to it before.'

'Shit, Cora!'

He presses his mouth to mine, and we laugh together.

'We need to clear up this mess,' he says, looking down between us. 'Is it on your dress?'

I reach over to where the kitchen roll is sitting on the table, and we scoop his come off us both. I run my fingers over him. He's softened a bit, but not completely.

'I thought this would go down,' I say.

His stomach contracts and he snorts.

'Hmm. Still a bit excited.'

'Really?'

He's not saying anything. I look up.

'What?'

'I'm just thinking that I've imagined this for years, but it pales in comparison to the reality.'

I kiss him.

'Imagined it with me?'

He nods.

'Like what?'

There's that little tip of his chin again.

'Well, doing it here on the sofa was always a favourite fantasy.'

'Hmm?'

He smiles.

'Sometimes over the table.'

I hug myself.

'Anywhere else?'

'My bedroom, obviously.'

He hesitates.

'But not the bed that's in there now. More – the old bunk beds.'

'The bunk beds?'

He looks a bit self-conscious, but still nods.

'Remember there was that little ladder to the top bunk, until we broke it?'

'Mm.'

'Up against that.'

'Sam, you're setting quite an agenda.'

He blinks.

'Shame we don't have those bunk beds anymore.'

'Shame,' I agree.

'You know, I thought you might be a bit – shy, repressed, even – what with how your mum brought you up and everything.'

'Maybe I am. But I don't feel it with you. It all feels different with you.'

'Hm.'

'I trust you,' I shrug.

He runs a hand down my arm. It makes my nipples tighten.

'And I didn't think it could feel this good.'

I touch my breast, his eyes on me, his hand joining mine there, making the lightest contact with my skin. Hardly brushing me, really. I squirm.

'Just now, when you were moving your hips around so much, I couldn't stop imagining what it'll feel like when they're moving like that into me.'

'Oh wow, Cora.'

'Mm. So – about contraception?'

He winces.

'I don't have anything here, Cora.'

'I thought you were a modern sort of lapsed Catholic?'

'Ha ha. Maybe I am. But that doesn't mean I've got stacks of condoms about the place.'

'Not part of the seduction plan?'

'Hey. Cora. This wasn't – isn't – about seducing you.'

He brushes a strand of hair out of my face.

'No. I know that. But I'm up for a bit more seducing if it all feels as good as this, so we'll need some. No way can I let you get me up the duff before I've got my degree, Sam Connolly. Imagine what mum would do to you.'

He actually shudders. I know she can be fierce, but it's funny Sam seems so nervous of her.

'She's not that bad.'

He shakes his head at me.

'She gave me a talk, once, about what she'd do to any bloke who treated you badly. It wasn't pretty.'

'Did she?'

'Yeah. I think she was suspecting me of having impure thoughts about you.'

'When was that?'

'I was about fifteen. An impressionable age, let me tell you. I was waiting for you in your kitchen, the day we went down to the lido that first time. With Danny and his sister, actually.'

I vaguely recall a rare, scorching hot summer's day, the lido too crowded, us eating ice cream and Sam teasing me about my new swimsuit.

'And were you? Having impure thoughts about me?'

'Definitely,' his eyes flashing at me; a different Sam.

I grope around to find my bra, and start to put it back on.

'What are you doing?'

'Getting dressed. We're going shopping.'

'We are?'

'Yes! The big Tesco down at the garage will have condoms.'

He looks reluctant to move.

'Come on, Sam.'

'I'm sorry to see these getting covered up again so soon,' his fingers touching the top of my breasts.

'Sam! You won't see them again until there are condoms in this flat. The way you made me feel earlier I'd have done anything you wanted, and sod the consequences. So come on. Get dressed.'

'Anything?' he grins, suddenly looking more like my best friend again.

I stand up, trying to pull my dress back into shape, finding another wet stain on the skirt that needs blotting off, thankful it's a busily patterned fabric. He's still not moving, both his arms lying along the back of the sofa, his jeans pulled down his thighs, his naked chest.

Huh.

He really looks good like that. I bend over him, putting my arms on the sofaback either side of his head for support.

'Are you getting dressed and coming to the shop with me, or am I going to have to tie you to me and pull you there?'

'Hey, we have a pact to never bring that up.'

I laugh at how indignant he looks.

'So get dressed, and I promise not to mention it again. Much.'

+++

We've both washed and tidied ourselves up. But now we're under the harsh, bright white shop lights, I'm feeling really self-conscious. For that reason, and also because Sam's making me look at the boxes of condoms, reading out the names and asking me which ones I think will be best.

'Not so brave now?' he teases me, pulling me into his side and rubbing my arm with his.

I turn away, catch sight of toothbrushes, and pick one up.

'These,' he's saying, pulling one of the boxes off the shelf.

And then I hear her. Alice. Her voice is unmistakable. Chatting up a storm with a couple of other girls.

I turn. See that Sam's heard her too. He grabs the toothbrush from my hand and makes for the cashier.

Whispers, 'Ice cream?' at me and gestures over to the freezer cabinets.

It takes me a second or two, then I get it. By the time Alice calls out my name, I'm pretending to contemplate the available flavours.

'Hey! What are you doing here?'

'Ice cream,' I point at the freezer, avoiding her eyes because I do not want to see if they're taking in my wrinkled dress and hair that's loose around my shoulders.

'What about you?'

'Lin wanted some chewing gum. We're just off down to Brixton.'

I smile. My little sister is a night owl.

'Are you here with Sam?'

I narrow my eyes. Has she already seen him? Surely she has?

'Uh-huh. He's here somewhere.'

'Oh, hi Sam,' Alice is all chirpy, looking over my shoulder, where he must be standing.

I fervently hope he's found somewhere to put that box where Alice won't see it.

'So, what's the decision?'

I look at her, confused.

'Flavour?' she's gesturing at the freezer.

'Uh –,'

'Vanilla,' Sam says firmly, reaching around me to pull open the door and extract one of the cartons.

He puts it in my hands.

'Ok? Ready?'

I stumble after him and we pay at the desk.

'See you tomorrow,' I call out to Alice.

And then we're out on the street.

'What are the chances?' I complain, and he laughs, grabbing my hand and swinging it between us as we walk.

+++

Back in the flat he pulls the box of condoms and the toothbrush out from his pockets. Hands me the toothbrush, cocking his eyebrow.

'I can't run up to my flat each time I need to brush my teeth, can I? So I thought I'd leave this one here,' I explain.

I smile.

He smiles.

I put the ice cream in the freezer; straighten up, pushing the door closed and he's right behind me.

'I like your thinking.'

I tilt my head, for the first time thinking about our height difference in terms of how easy – or not – it's going to be to kiss him while standing. And then I take in that he's shifting his weight from one foot to the other a little; something he does when he's nervous.

'Have we done anything here in the kitchen, Sam. In your fantasies?' I ask him, gesturing around the tiny space, but he snatches my wrist, a raw sound coming from his throat, grabs at the box and tugs me down the short hallway into his bedroom.

I catch sight of those words he's painted over the bed, and flush with heat.

'Let's start in here,' he's saying to me, fiddling with the tiny buttons on my dress.

I smile at him, push him away and pull it up over my head. The feel of his hands makes me wriggle with anticipation as he smoothes them around my shoulders, down my ribs to my waist, where he stops.

'And you?' I tweak his t-shirt; watch him pull it off, enjoying the view.

'These too,' I tap at his jeans; run a hand through his hair as he bends over to pull them down his legs and catch a glimpse of his mouth curling up in a smile.

He sits on the bed to get his trainers off. I edge towards him and by the time he's bare-legged and barefoot, I'm standing inbetween his knees. The look in his usually mild eyes is fiery. I glance up again at the wall above the bed, unhook my bra, jump at his touch around my hips as he draws me into him, pressing his face into my belly.

He pulls away, kisses the underside of my left breast.

'Nervous?'

I nod. I am. Huh. My heart's racing.

'Me too, Cora, feel,' pressing my hand over his heart.

I kiss him. Push at his shoulders and put a knee onto the bed next to him. He shuffles back a bit and I pull my other knee up, plant it the other side of his hips. His hands pull me down onto his lap. I shimmy up against his cock. His eyes go wider.

'Let's just see what feels good, Sam.'

'Mmm.'

He seems lost.

'Like this,' I whisper, grinding a little harder on him.

And then his eyes come back into focus.