TJ Ch. 06

The rest of the first week of school was tense. Nothing major happened on Tuesday. We received stares from some people, heard some whispers from others, and got a few smiles and nods. Rachel was only slightly better. She didn't say anything negative to us during English, but she did glare. Before lunch, Josh and I were at the entrance to the cafeteria waiting for everyone when Kevin came around the corner talking to Rachel. They seemed to be in a heated discussion. Once Kevin saw Josh, he started walking faster and left Rachel behind. She stopped in her tracks and looked at him with her mouth hanging open. Just as Kevin reached us, I felt Sean's arms wrap around me and pull me into a hug. Josh looked like he had cartoon hearts coming out of his eyes as he stared at Kevin and dreamily said hello. Rachel saw that and let out a huff and turned and went into the cafeteria.

Once everyone arrived, we grabbed our lunches and our table and sat down to eat. About five minutes later, Rachel came over to our table and asked Kevin to speak with her. He looked up from his lunch and responded, "Go ahead. Anything you have to say, you can say in front of everyone here."

She looked around the table exchanging glares with a few people. I'm happy to say I was one. She took a deep breath and sighed. "My dad wouldn't tell me where you're staying."

He laughed and said, "Is that really a surprise after the shit you pulled yesterday? Neither he nor I want my dad to know where I am and you know why. I want to keep where I'm staying quiet for as long as possible. He'll eventually find out, but until he does, only a few people know where I am."

From behind me, I heard Coach Wilson's booming voice. "Is everything okay over here? Rachel?" She nodded and he looked down at me. "TJ?"

I nodded. "Yes sir, everything's fine. Rachel was just asking Kevin where he's staying."

Coach Wilson looked at his daughter. "I told you not to talk to Kevin about that. The fewer people who know, the longer it will take my brother to find him. That gives me more time to calm him down. I know you're worried about your cousin, but trust me when I say he'll be fine."

Rachel once again huffed because she didn't get her way and turned on her heels. Once she was gone, Coach Wilson addressed the table. "McNair, Castro, Wilson I need to speak with y'all before lunch is over. Come find me when y'all are finished eating. TJ and Josh, y'all better come too."

A few minutes later, the five of us stood up and headed for the entrance. Coach Wilson was there waiting for us and told us to follow him. We went into the main office and then into Robert's. Robert didn't seem surprised to see us and told us to take a seat. Coach Wilson began to speak as soon as everyone was settled. "Alright, we just wanted to let y'all know we've heard some rumors that Smith and Rogers and their bunch might try something today at practice. I'll be watching to make sure nothing happens, but I want all y'all to be on your toes and watch yourselves. Castro, you're fine to go. Mr. Kennedy and I need to speak with these four." With that, Alex stood up and left the office.

Once the door was closed, Robert spoke up. "Kevin, Jacob's taken care of everything with Judge Hebert and CPS to get you removed from your father's house and placed with him. He also had a restraining order taken out against your dad. He did try to show up at the school this morning after first period started and demanded you be released. I had to call in Sean's uncle to have him removed. He was informed not to step foot on school grounds again and to stay away from all school activities including away games.

"So, the same rules apply until further notice. None of y'all are to go anywhere alone. After school, TJ and Josh are to head directly to the house and Sean and Kevin are to head there after practice. Sean and Kevin, y'all don't leave my house until Sean's dad calls and says it's okay to head home. Sean and Kevin are my main concerns right now since I don't think Kevin's dad would have any knowledge about Josh.

"Josh, I really would rather you and Kevin keep your relationship under wraps while at school." When I started to argue, Robert held a hand up to me. "TJ, let me finish. Right now, nobody except the people in this room and Jacob and y'alls close friends know about the two of them. That means there is little to no chance of this getting back to Smith and Rogers or Kevin's dad. If any of them found out, Josh would become a target."

Reluctantly, I agreed with what Robert said. After a few more minutes of discussion, the four of us headed out of the office right as the bell rang. As we left, I asked Sean why Robert had called his uncle and was informed my boyfriend's uncle worked for the Sheriff's Department. We met up with the rest of the group and after I gave Sean a hug and he kissed my cheek, Amber, Kevin, and I headed to our Government class. The rest of the day was uneventful. When Sean and Kevin arrived at the house I immediately asked, "Was everything okay at practice? Did they try anything with y'all?"

Sean shook his head. "No, they didn't say anything or do anything to either of us. Everything was fine."

Wednesday was quiet at both school and football practice. When Sean showed up at the house after practice on Thursday and winced when I hugged him, I asked him what was wrong and he said he had taken a hard hit during practice. I looked over at Kevin and glared. There was some venom in my voice when I said, "I thought your job was to protect him on the field."

Sean pulled me in tighter and said, "It wasn't his fault. He did his job blocking. It was Smith. He let Rogers run right past him and even though they're not supposed to tackle me in practice since I'm not wearing my pads, I still went to the ground. Coach was furious. He made both run twenty laps. They were still running when we left."

Josh entered the foyer and ran up to Kevin. Kevin lifted my brother up off the ground and kissed him square on the lips. I could barely hear whispers that sounded like, "I missed you so much. I wish we could do this at school."

Josh snickered and said, "If you did that to me at school, I don't think I'd be able to walk. You'd have to carry me to every class."

Kevin smiled. "I wouldn't mind at all."

Robert walked past us on his way to the kitchen and looked at Kevin and Josh and shook his head. "Kevin, could you please put my son down. Nobody's carried him like that since he was a baby."

Kevin got a wicked grin on his face and mumbled, "But he is my baby, so I should be able to carry him."

He walked into the living room, still carrying my brother who wrapped his legs around Kevin's waist. It was kind of funny to see. Kevin sat and placed Josh on his lap and wouldn't let him go. I looked at Sean and asked, "Are we that bad?"

Sean laughed and replied, "Nope. There's no way in hell I could carry you. But you can sit on my lap if you want." And so, I did.

Robert entered from the kitchen, looked at the four of us and stated in an authoritative tone, "I know y'all have homework to do, so get up and get started."

I stood up and turned to grab Sean's hand and helped him up. We grabbed our backpacks and I started leading him down the hall to my room. Just as we got to my door I heard Robert's voice. "And where do you two think you're going?"

"To do homework in my room." I tried to sound innocent, but don't think I was successful.

"Hell no. Both of y'all get to the dining room table with Josh and Kevin."

I started to get agitated. "Really? You're going to pull this shit? You let Sean spend the night in my bed Friday night but won't let us go in my room to do homework?"

"Don't start with me Teej. I'm not going to fight you on this. If y'all get all of your homework finished before Jacob calls and tell them to head home, then y'all can go to your room and do whatever you like, within reason."

Sean could sense my irritability because he placed his hand on the small of my back and I began to relax immediately. "Come on Teej, let's go do our homework. Sorry Mr. Kennedy."

"You have nothing to be sorry about. I just want to make sure homework is done before whatever else happens." He turned to me. "Don't give your brother any ideas. I'm having a hard-enough time wrapping my head around the fact Josh has a boyfriend and he's Kevin Wilson. I don't need to worry about what either of y'all are doing behind closed doors."

I glared at Robert. "Probably nothing different than you were doing at my age. Only difference is we practice natural birth control. Don't worry, I won't leave you with a grandchild you have to take care of when I leave for school next year." I walked away, leaving Sean and Robert standing in front of my door.

My eyes were stinging by the time I reached the living room. Kevin and Josh were in the adjoining room, sitting at the table. I threw my backpack in their general direction before walking out the back door and slamming it behind me. I couldn't believe I had just done that in front of Sean. I never wanted him to see that side of me. I didn't want him to think I was so vindictive.

When it comes to Robert, I say things as an automatic response. I don't think about what's coming out of my mouth, and ten times out of ten, it's something mean, hateful, and spiteful. At first, I thought the response was to something I thought was hypocritical on his part, but it did generally have something to do with either my birth or his status as my father. The fight usually ended there because either I would walk away (more like storm off in a rage, but we can say walk) or he would say he's sorry in a soft voice and leave the room. Later, once I cooled down and thought about it, I'd go and apologize in a sheepish tone. He'd say he understood and we'd leave it at that. I never wanted anyone, especially Sean to witness this.

Sure, Josh sees it happening and if he can intervene, he will. At least I've stopped directing my lash-outs at him. It breaks my heart every time I think of the things I've said to him in anger. I can see his face vividly when I think about it, the look on his face while he would stare at me like I just kicked his puppy. The way his eyes would fill with tears that overflowed quickly and ran down his cheeks. I swore I would never hurt Josh intentionally again and I intend not to.

Anyways, after the back door slammed shut, I stalked out to the fence. I started pacing back and forth, trying to calm down. Trying to get the tears from continuously falling. Trying to forget my boyfriend, who I didn't deserve, just witnessed me intentionally hurting someone I claim to love. Why would he stay with someone who does something like that? Would he think I would do it to him? I don't think I would. I don't want to ever hurt Sean, but there are times when I can't control the automatic responses and words fly out of my mouth. I know Sean would never attack me intentionally. But what if he accidentally said something that triggered the response? There's no way he would still want to be with me. It's over. I've fucked up everything, just like I always do.

Those were the thoughts running rampant through my head when I heard a voice quietly ask, "Teej, are you okay?"

I must not have heard the backdoor open, because I turned and saw Sean cautiously approaching me like someone would approach a caged animal. I thought about what I must've looked like pacing back and forth along the fence. I stopped pacing and looked at him. I shook my head and my knees gave out from under me. I didn't make it to the ground before a pair of strong arms stopped my fall and drew me into a hug. I started sobbing into his chest while he gently rubbed his hand up and down my back in a soothing gesture.

I tried to speak to him through my sobs. "I'm sorry Sean. I'm so sorry."

"I'm not the one you need to be apologizing to Teej. Why did you say it?"

I didn't really hear any judgment in his voice, but my brain perceived it. I pushed him away from me and tried to control the rage building inside. I noticed the wince he made from the physical pain I had caused, but I didn't SEE it, if that makes sense at all. Pretty much, in my rage I had forgotten he showed up hurt.

"TJ, what's wrong? Please talk to me babe. Are you mad at me?"

I turned to him and raked my hands through my hair. "YES! NO! I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!" I let out a scream, unable to hold the feelings inside and sat on the ground. Sean sat down behind me and pulled my back against his chest. After a few moments, I asked in a shaky voice, "Why are you taking his side. He had seventeen years to be a father to me, but he didn't want me. Why didn't he want me? What did I do wrong? My birth-mother didn't want me. My father ended up not wanting me. Scott ended up not wanting me. Now you probably don't want me either after seeing how fucked in the head I am."

"Stop that kind of thinking right now. If I didn't want you, would I be holding you?"

"Probably, because you're a nice guy. You would do this for anybody you saw was hurting. I don't deserve someone like you..."

"I told you to stop thinking that way. I'm here holding you now. I'm not going anywhere. Why wouldn't I want you?"

"Because you saw how vindictive I can be. I don't even know why I said it. I don't mean to say shit like that, it just comes out."

"You are not vindictive. If you didn't mean to say it, if you didn't plan it beforehand, you're not vindictive. It's a defense mechanism. Do you get like that with other people?"

"I've done it to Josh and Scott before, but mainly it's Robert who brings it out."

"Was Monday's comment in English to Rachel defensive?"

"No, that was me being vindictive. I could tell you were getting frustrated and she was openly hitting on you."

Sean chuckled at my admission. "When did you do it to Josh?"

"Right after I read the letter my mom wrote me and fought with Robert in the lawyer's office."

"Okay, when did you do it to Scott?"

"You already know the story. I told you about it. I said some shit to him after he threw me out of his house, outed him to his girlfriend or whatever she was. Then I got vindictive and posted it online."

"Okay, now think back to when you lashed out at Josh. You were highly emotional, had just had a fight with the person who you thought was your brother. You told me the night we met that when you saw Josh, all you saw was 'the one who was chosen.' Josh forgave you for it. You need to forgive yourself for it too."

"I can't forgive myself. I hurt my best friend. I hurt my brother. I hurt everybody I'm around. The only one that's half-way defensible is Scott. But even that wasn't totally justified I don't think. There's a part that I never told anyone. I think he was drunk. Like really drunk. I could smell it on him and I think I might have seen a bottle on the bed next to him. If he was drunk...well, I've haven't dealt with many drunk people before, but can't they say and do shit they don't mean?"

"Well they can do or say exactly what they are thinking at the time. Do you really think he was drunk? Why didn't you say anything before?"

I mumbled, "I didn't want to give him an excuse. He hurt me, so I wanted him to know what it felt like."

"Do you feel bad about what you did now? About the post you made online?"

I slowly nodded but didn't answer him out loud. Nobody deserved what I did to Scott. I should've never outed him. I decided to take a step in the right direction, so I pulled out my phone and unblocked Scott's number. I doubt he'll ever try to call me again, but this way I can at least answer and let him know I am truly sorry for what I did. Hopefully, one day he'll forgive me.

Sean held me for a few more minutes, comforting me while I cried. At least I wasn't sobbing anymore. Finally, Sean asked, "Why did you say that to Mr. Kennedy earlier?"

My voice came out sounding hoarse, I guess from the scream earlier. "I don't know. It just came out."

"Teej, please. Think for a second and tell me why you said it."

"I told you I don't know why. Please, let's just drop it."

I tried to stand up, but once again Sean held me tighter and wouldn't let me go. "No, you need to figure this out. What made you say that to him?"

"Dammit Sean, you're going to piss me off. I said I don't fucking know, so drop it."

"No. I won't just drop this because it's hurting you over and over again. I hate seeing you hurt. Do you want to know what my first reaction was when I saw you out here crying? I wanted to go back inside and hit Robert, Mr. Kennedy, in the face. I don't want to have to hurt the assistant principal. You need to figure out what caused the reaction and then we can figure out what to do next."

"You really wanted to go in and hit Robert? Bullshit."

"I'm dead serious. Now answer the question and stop trying to change the subject."

"You're not going to give this up, are you?"

"Nope. I know how to work through this shit. I had some anger problems after my mom died. They took a while to show up and no one except my dad knows about them since I took all of my anger out on him. I had to go to therapy. I want to help you, so please answer me."

"Fine." I thought for a few moments. "I guess it was because he was trying to act like he's my dad. I know he's my dad, but he was my brother for seventeen years. I guess I'm having a problem accepting that and moving on with life. I don't need another dad. I had a great one. He loved me. He gave me everything I wanted and needed. Now, suddenly Robert wants to swoop in and take over the job and I'm supposed to be like everything's hunky dory? I can't do it. He didn't want me."

As soon as I said that, I stopped. I had my answer and it wasn't pretty. I lashed out whenever I felt unwanted. It wasn't the fact Robert was trying to be my dad, it was the fact that every time he tried to be my dad, all I could think was he didn't want me, and I would say the first hurtful thing that came to mind. "I think I need to go apologize to Robert. I also should probably let him know the reason I say that shit to him." I stood up and offered my hand to Sean to help him.

"I think that's a good idea," he responded as he took my hand. He stood directly in front of me and placed a gentle kiss on my lips. "Oh, and just so you know, you are wanted. I love you. Now go say sorry and promise to play nice."

I pouted a little. "But nice isn't any fun."

To prove me wrong, Sean kissed me hard and deep and passionately. He looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Was that nice?"

"Umm, yeah, very."

"Was it fun?" He emphasized his question with a thrust of his hips to show me how turned on he was.

"Umm, I think you can feel how much fun both of us had."

He pecked me on my lips. "See, nice can be fun. Let's go."

We came inside and found Robert on the phone in the kitchen, standing where he could see everything happening outside through the window. "He just walked in from the backyard Jacob. Here you go." He handed Sean the phone. I walked over to Robert and hugged him and let him know how sorry I was and asked if we could talk about it later. He agreed and I pulled away as Sean hung up the phone.

The smile on his face told me he was extremely happy about something, I wasn't sure what that was. "My dad has to go to a client's house tonight for a meeting. He normally brings dinner for them and then they start talking business. These meetings normally last till about nine, so I'm here till he gets home. Let's get started on our homework."

The dining room table was suspiciously empty when we arrived. I turned and asked Robert where Kevin and Josh were. "They're in Josh's room. They finished their homework about fifteen minutes ago."

I looked down the hallway towards the bedrooms. "And you're comfortable with them being in there with the door closed?" A fact I was extremely not comfortable with. Kevin better not lay a finger on my baby brother. I'll have Sean threaten him or something, he's too big for me to mess with.