TNQF Slightly Secret Six & A Half

The not quite famous slightly secret six and a half: By pop_54/2003.

With acknowledgement to the marvellous Enid Blyton for the inspiration for this small attempt at an 'adult parody' of a children's story based loosely around the style of children's novels written by EB.

I must add at this point that any childlike mannerisms associated with the characters and story line, are just implied, all characters involved in this story are of legal age, or over. Also, no adults, children, small fluffy animals or seagulls were injured in the making up of this story.

Also apologies to anyone I may offend by having a dig at the British upper middle to upper classes and their ways and implied preferences during the telling of this tale ... hell a lot of them are inbred so they won't understand anyway.

This story was written for the NaNoWrimo annual story writing competition, a challenge to write a small novel of 50,000 words or more in a month, (Nov/2003) The story was written in a hurry and not fully edited because basically I have a real life to live as well and didn't have time, there may be minor items of grammar and or spelling in need of correction at a later date.

Constructive comment would be welcome and assist with the future editing; supercilious unhelpful remarks will be met with an appropriate response to anyone with the guts to leave a return address.

The story is a very English thing and may not appeal to all tastes, although I have attempted to make it as international as possible without ruining the style.

First I shall introduce our intrepid band of young adventurers and describe them briefly in order that you may visualise their appearance and mannerisms during the telling of the tale.

Roger was the oldest of the adventurers, a big chap for his age, handsome with a square jaw and a shock of fair hair, just a young man still but so mature and forceful natured. Strong willed as well as physically strong, Roger ruled the little crew with an iron hand. Well iron fist actually, Roger was a bit of a bullyboy on the quiet. Roger was never wrong in his eyes and was prone to making other peoples ideas his own in order to maintain authority.

Marvin, Roger's brother was the next in command as it were, Marvin was just 18 months younger than Roger, a bit shorter than his brother and not quite so striking in appearance, another well developed lad though, but not so forceful as Roger. A bit childish actually but don't say I told you that he hurts easily, sulks worse than a bloody girl in truth.

Roger often had to take Marvin in hand, in more ways than one; well they were quite close as well as being brothers.

Next in command was Roger and Marvin's cousin Tom, real name Thomasina, but she insisted on being addressed as Tom.

Tom was well suited to her name, a right Tomboy, short dark boyish hair, pretty enough face and well-developed female body, but more male than female in attitude and sexual preference. Tom being the only other crewmember Roger avoided upsetting knowing that a cross word to Tom often resulted in a painful kick in the nuts.

I suppose in lineage to the throne of the adventurous crew, next in line would be Roger and Marvin's younger sister Millie.

Millie was so much younger in age and attitude to her siblings and cousin. Quite babyish actually, well OK a bit on the dippy side was young Millie, not a psychological or medical thing, just as scatty as hell and rather unworldly. A very sweet and innocent natured young lady though, very attractive features topped off with long flowing blonde hair and a petite yet perfectly formed body, oft times taken advantage of, everyone loved Millie especially Tom.

In addition to the close family another regular with the crew, when he wasn't at his posh boarding school that is was Bertram, or Bert, as he preferred, a second cousin to Roger and Co, also of course third cousin to Tom.

Bert was unfortunately a rather plump and unattractive young chap. OK in truth he was an ugly bastard, mainly due to his excessive weight and terrible acne, his round face resembled the surface of the Moon in texture, and the surface of Mars in colour. The crew weren't overly fond of Bert, mainly due to his looks and general attitude; he also had some rather obnoxious habits and various stains on his clothing as a result. But he was frightfully rich and lavished money and gifts on all in order to maintain their friendship and be allowed to join their adventures.

The last human member of the regular crew was Polly, a very wild natured young lady indeed of simple country stock, not at all compatible with the crew in social standing or educational standard.

Polly was a very attractive girl if a bit scruffy and poorly clothed at times, Polly was very well put together, almost perfect hourglass figure. One would wonder how come she managed to fit in with this crew of upper crust young folks. Truth to tell Polly was rather loose natured and lacking moral standards at times, and the lads rather liked having her about them, well to be honest and blunt about it she was a lovely screw and went like a whore in heat most days when the mood took her.

Polly was rather too hetro for Tom's liking, but hell she was female and Tom never gave up trying.

The very final member of the crew, unfortunately only ranking half membership status due to being non-human, was Tom's dog a lovely big boisterous Labrador with an unusual name, Rover, not unusual in sound, but the way it was spelt, Rhover. The silent H being a family tradition on Tom's side of the clan started by her great uncle, Hhorace.

Hhorace adopted the silent H way back in 1823 he actually suffered with a little stutter which often found it's way into his written documents, thus rendering the lineage reliant on the silent H. Tom's dad Shidney had tried without success to drop the bloody stupid silent H, much to the amusement of her mum Sheila, who's H of course wasn't silent.

Of course Shidney's main bug had always been their surname, upper crust enough but I ask you, Fharquar-Shmythe-Bloggs. Bloggs being Sheila's maiden name, her father was a scrap metal merchant from Battersea, but well the family needed a cash injection so Shidney married her when she became pregnant, he had to he couldn't afford to pay her off.

But I digress, so on to our story of adventure and 'childlike' innocence.

Ok characters introduced so on with our tale ... Our intrepid crew had many adventures when younger, some wild and dangerous, some just boring everyday events they liked to pretend were adventures, you know like waiting for a bus, queuing for a cinema ticket, and stuff like that.

The tale I wish to impart however was of a genuine real life adventure that the little crew became involved with one fine summer's day way back when, when life was simpler that is.

Way back but I suppose not that far back in the grand scale of things ... at that time our intrepid little crew were in fact quite mature young folks well above the legal age for everything by this time ... but they all seemed stuck in some time warp behaving more like a bunch of 12 to 15 yr olds than the true young adult age that they were.

None were attached in a romantic or emotional way to anyone outside the crew of chums, well other than Bert who had a very close friend at his all male boarding school.

Roger himself gave this adventure a title: 'The Great Brain Robbery, or how we prevented world war three'. (There was no risk of war with anyone really, but well the chums like to think they've done real good). OK introductions and miscellaneous information out of the way, on with our tale.

Chapter: One The Map.

We begin our tale in Roger & Co's family back garden in deepest Berkshire, the chums are all gathered barring Tom and Rhover, Oh and Polly was grounded by her mum again so she wasn't there either.

Something about Polly paying the milkman and then keeping the money her mum gave her for the purpose to spend on other things.

Roger, Marvin, and Millie were lounging about in garden chairs on the patio, Bertram was about he locale somewhere he was staying for a couple of weeks. He'd wandered off muttering about being bored and wishing to find something interesting to do.

"Hmm lovely day isn't it Marvin, where's Bert got to now ... do you know?"

"Said something about going looking for an adventure Rog."

"Gosh isn't he gross this time boys, did you see all those stains on his trousers again."

"Yes Millie darling, isn't he just ... he said it was something to do with sitting opposite some young girl in one of those mini skirts on the train ... ughh!!"

"I wish he wouldn't do that thing that he does so much boys."

"Do what thing Mill's?"

"You know Marvin ... when he puts his hand in his pocket and does that thing to himself ... you know with his hand moving about and all that, you know until he makes that grunting noise and trembles all over then the wet patch and stains start appearing."

"Pocket billiards you mean Mill's ... playing with his todger in his pocket ... does that a lot when he's looking at you Mill's I'd watch it if I were you," Roger chuckled.

Both boys laughed, Millie screwed her face up in disgust, ... "No way is he getting off with me, ughh!!" She exclaimed with a big shudder. "Have you noticed his face this time, God he's dripping with puss," She continued after a pause to feel physically sick.

"About time someone got off with you Millie my girl," Marvin whispered to Roger with a wink, "Ouch!! Stop it," He continued as Roger lunged at him and grabbed his ear lobe twisting it very hard.

"How many fucking times have I got to tell you Marvin ... Millie is our sister, we don't do our fucking sister ... mum and dad would not be amused, I think you need taking in hand young man," Roger whispered in his most gruff and firm whisper.

"Ouch!! Ok Rog, Ok sorry ... Umm when?" Marvin stammered; Roger really was hurting him.

"When what Marvin," Roger snapped, twisting harder with a sadistic grin on his face pushing Marvin's face down against the table top as he did so, Roger liked being forceful, it gave him a bit of a boner actually.

"Aagh!! When are you going to take me in hand?"

"Tonight, your room this time, you stained my fucking sheets last time and mum bollocked me," Roger replied letting go of Marvin's ear at last, Marvin gently comforted his bright red pulsing ear lobe, a little tear in the corner of his eye, best not let Roger see the tear he hated sissy boys.

Before Millie could ask what the fuss was about Bert appeared as if from nowhere running excitedly into the garden, well waddling more like, Bertram was far too heavy and out of condition to run in reality. Pocket billiards being about the only sporting activity he partook of in school and out, well that and his 6th form school friend Sandra, in the showers, (real name Boris, but he had a few problems and a suitcase full of his mum's clothes).

"Hey guys look I've got us an adventure ... look here, look a map, a treasure map," Bert cried out as he neared them, up onto the patio he sprang excitedly, hit the table still running and everything crashed to the ground.

Bertram never seemed to learn the laws of physics to well, 14 stone of flabby unfit person travelling forward at approximately 5 to 8 miles per hour equals the need to apply braking power long before you actually reach the object you wish to avoid.

"Fuck me!!" Millie cried out in shock as she sprang from her chair to avoid the lemonade that splashed up from the overturned pitcher as it hit the ground.

"Yes please darling!!" Bertram muttered as he composed himself a little on the floor looking up at his pretty young cousin hoping for a glimpse up her skirt as a boner kind of bonus.

"Wow Millie, hey I love it when you talk dirty like that," Marvin blurted out, never having heard his little sister use such language before, then ducking another ear pinching from Roger.

"Millie, where did you learn language like that young lady," Roger snapped ... "I can see I'm going to have to take you in hand before long," He continued as he brushed some of the lemonade off of his jeans, then rolled Bertram out of the way with his foot and stood the table back up.

"Yes please," Millie stammered becoming rather excited at the idea of her big brother forcefully taking her in hand, having listened at the bedroom door on several occasions to Marvin's cries of ecstasy while Roger took him in hand.

"Can I watch," Marvin stammered.

"Watch what?" Roger retorted glaring at his brother with a puzzled expression.

"You taking Millie in hand, you can use my room so you don't stain your sheets, ouch!! No let go of my ear Roger, stop it I'll tell dad".

"Ponce!!"

"Don't call him that Roger."

"Well he is Millie, and where did you learn language like that young lady?" Roger studied his young sister as he asked.

'Hmm she is getting quite mature now she's in upper 6th form,' He thought as he forced Marvin's head to the table again by his ear.

"Hey what about my map," Bert cried out excitedly pushing his hand into his pocket.

"What about Roger taking me in hand ... Ughh!! Bertram stop that, he's doing it again Roger look ... that billiards thing in his pocket," Millie said twisting her face in disgust, yet she was unable to take her eyes off of Bert's pocket action.

"Bertram, stop masturbating your dick you bloody pervert, and what about this map," Roger snapped

"Oh! Masturbating, I thought he was having a wank," Millie replied in a matter of fact tone.

"I'm not masturbating I had one off the wrist earlier ... I'm getting the map out of my pocket," Bert replied with a hint of indignation in his tone as he produced a scrap of paper from his pocket.

Roger finally let go of Marvin's ear and reached down to take the scrap of paper from Bert's greasy hand, Marvin rolled off of his chair and sat on the ground nursing his inflamed ear lobe and muttering profanities toward his brother under his breath.

Roger studied the paper in his hand for a minute or so, "This isn't a real map Bert, you've invented it, you've got a bit of note paper and made this up to impress us you grubby little shite."

"No I didn't ... it's real, it's a treasure map, we can have an adventure now and all be rich afterwards."

"Balls you silly tit, look it just says, See you later in the showers darling: Much luv Sandy," Roger said dropping the note to the ground.

"Oh fuck!! Sorry wrong pocket, here ... here's the real treasure map ... look," Bert was a just a hint embarrassed as he handed Roger another crumpled piece of paper.

Roger took the damp crumpled paper with two fingers and a look of disgust on his face and flattened it out on the table top, Marvin and Millie crowded round him to get a peek as well; there was a little whimper from Bert where he still lay beneath them on the patio.

"Oh my God!" Roger exclaimed as he looked down to see his overweight cousin laid directly beneath his young sister with his head between her feet looking up her skirt. Bert's right pocket was moving about furiously as he gave himself a hand shank while studying his young cousin's underwear and pert young arse cheeks.

"Millie, Marvin ... go over there for a minute please, I need a quiet word with Bertram in private," Roger announced.

Millie lifted her foot over Bert's head as she moved off and escorted Marvin away from the patio as instructed, as they slowly wandered off Marvin spoke.

"Hey Millie ... Bert was looking up your skirt at your knickers."

"I know, he's naughty isn't he," Millie replied with a wicked little giggle.

"Do you like boys seeing your knickers then Millie?"

"Hmm ... I don't mind if they do."

"Wow, I'd like to see them now you're a teenager ... gunna show me."

"Marvin ... that's rude, you used to look at them a lot didn't you, when I was younger on the swing and that ... I knew what you were doing looking at me like that you know."

"You never tried to stop me looking at them though did you Mill's."

"Didn't I marvin?"

"No ... you know you didn't ... you loved it you dirty little bitch didn't you."

"Did I Marvin?"

"Yes you did Millie, you lovely little slut."

"Marvin?"

"Yes Millie?"

"What are you doing with your hand in your pocket Marvin?"

"Oh God Millie you make me so fucking horny sometimes."

"That's nice Marvin, you're so sweet."

A loud slap followed by a dull thud and a loud grunt shocked the siblings out of their little private conversation as Roger had a quiet word with Bertram behind them.

"OK you two, come back, Bert's agreed not to look up Millie's skirt again, or play with his pocket rocket again in public ... haven't you Bert," Roger's voice announced.

"Oh shit, just as I had her interested," Marvin mumbled as Millie turned on her heels and flitted back to where Bert was laid doubled up moaning loudly with Roger calmly taking his seat again by the table.

Marvin joined the others at the table, he accidentally, ahem! Trod on Bert's hand as he took his seat, Bertram cried out in pain.

"Umm Marvin?"

"Yes Rog."

"Do you need the toilet?"

"No Rog I went earlier, why?"

"You seem to have a wet patch in the groin area of your jeans."

"Umm, Err no Rog, umm lemonade I think, splashed me like, when Bert hit the table like."

"Oh right lemonade, OK then this map, get up Bert for fuck's sake you snivelling little shite."

Bertram gently eased into a chair alongside Millie and sat back breathing heavily, he was winded from his quiet chat with Roger; he also had the makings of a black eye developing.

"Is all that heavy breathing for me Bert," Millie asked with a wicked grin and a knowing wink.

"It had better fucking well not be," Roger replied before Bertram could utter a word.

Roger carried on spreading the piece of crumpled paper flat on the table and smoothed it out as best he could; it had dried out a little in the air and crackled with the starchy substance covering it as he unfolded paper.

"Hmm another bloody silly note Bertram ... this isn't a treasure map you dick wad, just another of your weird friend's address or something," Roger snapped, he was beginning to lose patience with the whole ridiculous affair.

"Do we need to talk in private again?" Roger continued after a sharp exasperated breath.

"No Rog, honest it isn't mine, honest, I got it off the bloke in the woods, it's real look" Bertram insisted as he pointed to some strange coded marks on the paper alongside an address and a floor plan.

"What bloke in the woods?" Marvin asked.

"Look see, next to the address ... those funny words and symbols," Bert continued excitedly.

"Hmm maybe," Roger said turning the paper about to read the words alongside the symbols.

"What bloke in the woods Bert?" Marvin asked.

"Let me see, let me see," Millie urged as she pushed Marvin aside to get a look at the paper.

"See it is real, I told you, I told you," Bertram chirped realising his chums were taking a genuine interest in his map.

"What fucking bloke in the fucking woods Bert?" Marvin snapped loudly, his patience exhausted at being ignored, why did they always ignore him when he was trying to be constructive.

Silence descended over the little huddle of chums, Roger slowly turned his head to look directly at Marvin, a scowl on his face, he stared at his brother for a few seconds, you could almost hear his brain working, Roger hated it when someone else thought of something first.

"Right!! I was about to ask that, what bloke in the woods Bert," Roger asked snapping his head back toward his cousin in a sudden move that made the others jump with shock.

"The dead bloke," Bert stammered.

"Dead bloke," Roger echoed.

"Dead bloke," Marvin and Millie echoed in unison.