Tongue

So, okay, I have NEVER found a substitute for a guy's tongue. Okay, like, I'm real oral, you know? Like I talk, a LOT, and sometimes my friends, they're, like, "God, Kristie! Shut UP!"

So I've tried EVERYTHING, like I was in the store with my mom and I saw like, this TONGUE in the meat counter, like, you know, for sandwiches, and my eyes get real big and I'm like, "WoW!" So my mom is like, "Ooo, I could NEVER eat anything that came out of an animal's MOUTH. Here!"

So she hands me these eggs, and I'm like, "Gee, mom, what part of an animal did THESE come out of?" and SHE'S like, "Be sure they aren't cracked, honey."

Okay, so, like, later I go back and get the tongue, and as I'm checking out I'm thinking, "Oh god, EVERYBODY will KNOW what I am going to DO with this, I mean, it is SO SUSPICIOUS for this girl to be, like, buying this TONGUE, and I'm like, trying to at LEAST find a female checker, so I go in the slow line (You know, like, cash only, 10 items or less) behind this lady with a cart full of stuff writing a check.

Okay, the lady writing the check is from Alaska or something and only has an out of town check and no ID, so I like STAND there in the Piggly Wiggly holding this TONGUE, so then Jenny, who is on my skate team, comes by with her mom and her little sister, who's like, "Oooo gross! What's Kristie going to do with THAT?" and I'm like rolling my eyes. So Jenny's mom says "Make sandwiches, honey. I LOVE tongue sandwiches."

So, like, I was old enough to DRIVE when I FINALLY got out of there, and then, after ALL THAT, it didn't really work, I mean, it DID, but it didn't FEEL right, like it was TOO raspy, you know? Okay, like my boyfriend? He'd just sort of cradle my ass in his hands, and use his thumbs to spread my lips open. I mean, the first time, I'm like GONE in 20 seconds, but he doesn't know it and so he's down there licking away until it starts HURTING. So then he figured it out, that I am REAL sensitive, ESPECIALLY to oral, so he just licks, you know, like VERY slowly, and I'm like, WRITHING and SQUIRMING and he'd just TORTURE me like that. I mean, I was his SLAVE, I would do ANYTHING, but I didn't because I was [censored] and he was in college and knew my dad and he was afraid to.

The tongue was NOTHING like that. I mean I put in hot water to warm it up, I put KY on it, I even LICKED it, but it just wasn't right, so I gave up. I put it in my skate bag so I could throw it away at school, but I forgot, and took my OTHER skate bag, so like it was two weeks and my mom is like, "WHAT is that SMELL?" and so this TONGUE was DECOMPOSING in my SKATE bag next to my custom $1000 Harlick skates. I mean, it's all black and green with hairy stuff on it!

So, like the guy mom was fucking then used these rubbers, like they were real thin and pre- lubricated, so I'd put them on my dildo, or on my hairbrush handle and pretend IT was a tongue. THAT was pretty okay, except I heard mom on the phone to Gloria and she's like, "I guess George and I are having too much sex, we went through a whole pack of condoms last weekend." It didn't matter much, because she dumped George and started going out with this other guy. He was rich, but REAL creepy, like he looked like he was from the Mafia and always looked me over and called me "baby." I don't think he USED rubbers, or at least *I* never found any. I mean, he was in mom's "hunk" phase, you know, where their collar size, age, and IQ are the same number.

So like then we were having science class, and we were making electricity out of pennies and nickels and salt. They made us wear these MASKS and GLOVES, because the salt came out of a brown bottle labeled "NaCl," so it was a CHEMICAL, never mind that Stephanie poured a WHOLE SHAKER of NaCl on Tommy Riggs at lunch, and he was all right. Okay, okay, he ISN'T all right, he's [censored], which is a SERIOUS CONDITION in boys, but it WASN'T the SALT. So the SAME STUFF is a dangerous chemical when it comes out of a brown bottle, but it is safe as shampoo when it comes out of a shaker. This sounds suspiciously like transubstantiation, or whatever my aunt, who used to be Catholic, calls it. I got taught this hocus pocus in SCIENCE class. No WONDER people are panicked over global warming and radon under the house.

So like, class was pretty boring after I found out that nickels and pennies didn't make a DIME'S worth of power, so I was sort of fooling around, and I realized how USEFUL gloves could be. So then I started wearing gloves in science all the time and Mr. Evans is like, "Kristie is so safety-conscious, she should be a model for you all," so like then everybody hated me, but I had this NICE collection of gloves. So that's as close as I've come. I mean, like, they work good on my TITS, too.

My OTHER toy is this fake hand I got at Halloween. It's like REAL big and hairy, and it looks AWESOME stuck down the front of my panties. It's got wires so you can make the fingers stay. Okay okay, my PLAN was to have it hang out of my SKATE bag, and everybody would be like, "God! Kristie has a DEAD GUY in her skate bag," but everybody just thought it was stupid, so I was going to throw it away. So then I came out of the shower and I wasn't wearing any panties and I SAT on it. I'm like, "All RIGHT!" and from then on we were going steady.