Tonight

Tonight was excellent. I haven't felt that much passion in a long time. But the reason for the passion was all wrong. It was purely physical, and there was nothing behind it, but perhaps problems in our separate relationships. You say that the reason you're interested in me is because I have qualities you wish she had. I don't know what to say to that...I'm not hurt in the least, but hope that what she does have is enough, or that she learns to love reading enough to talk about it. The reason I am interested in you is because I see in you what I haven't had in my relationship with him since the beginning...the spontaneity, the can't resist, can't keep my hands off of you, heck, even your being a breast man...I haven't had that in nearly 3 years.

You're surprised that I don't seem to know how great I am. I told you that I've been depressed before, and am now. The main symptom of this is a lack of self-esteem. I'm willing to recognize that I'm a good student, but I don't feel smart. I'm willing to recognize that I'm attractive, but not irresistible enough to cheat on your fiancé over.

I said that I was fine until Saturday. I just want you to know, I haven't been more depressed, just more interested in you. When you were in love with her to the point that 1) you reminded me of he and I, before we ever broke up and lost that innocence and 2) you didn't notice me as more than a friend, why would I try to maintain feelings for you? They were pointless, only because I missed him, and did not need to be acted on.

I was sober when we kissed. I knew what was going to happen as soon as we dropped off our other friend, and so was going to not come over. I was just going to drop you off. When you invited me up, I couldn't say no. When you offered me your sweatshirt, I smelled it, hoping to recognize something. When I said I was to sober to do anything, I meant it. But I didn't have the willpower to stop you after you kissed me. I wanted you to kiss me, because I wasn't about to kiss you, but wanted it so bad. I needed to feel what it felt like, and am so glad we did. Now, I know what there is between us. There is nothing between us, but a major crush.

Do you want to see me Saturday? I understand that tomorrow is too soon, but am afraid to see your fiancé the next time I see you. I'm afraid she'll see tonight written on my face, and know the instant she sees me. The front of my head knows that nothing is that obvious, but my intuition says that I won't be able to stop myself, that we've opened the gates to hell and aren't going to be able to turn back. I wish you hadn't stopped, because as much as I wanted to stop you, I couldn't. I just kept my hand on your shoulder, pushing you away as my other hand pulled your hips closer. I was most certainly in my own mind when I didn't stop you...but then I always say my problem is in not stopping something I know is bad for me. I'm ok as long as it doesn't start.

I want to see you tomorrow, to know that everything is ok without anyone important nearby. I want you to know that you have done so much for me, in the very little time we've known each other. You've brought me the choir, you've brought back my faith, you've helped me smile when I wanted to cry. I don't think you know how passionate I am, how I throw myself into the things closest to me, that without strong Christians around me, I'm not a Christian, that without good friends I'm depressed, that without flirting I feel worthless. But, but flirting with you is so much more. I'm sure you saw me cry when we sang goodbye to you. I couldn't sing, I was so choked up. I've been in the choir a few short months, but can't imagine the choir without you there. I don't know if I want the leadership position I have without your smiling face, your happiness permeating the room.

I'm amazed at how much I have to say to you, that I didn't get to say earlier. I want to sleep in your arms tonight, I want to take care of you, I want you to see how beautiful you are. As I believe I said before, you don't know how much you mean to me. You've changed my life, even if I'm not in love with you. We both love separate people, but I hate that my being in love with him means I can't have you as well. I wasn't made for monogamy, but I'm the only girl who hasn't cheated on him. I don't understand how you can say that wasn't cheating tonight, because we barely did more than kiss. It was an emotional cheat, which is worse than any other, I feel.

I cheated on him not only with my body, but also with my heart and mind. I wanted what you offered, even as you so tenderly set it in front of me. I wanted to know what would happen, my heart wanted to be owned by you, for just that short time. Tell me, how do I forget you? How do I not tell him, and not hurt him? How do I pretend nothing has happened?

You've saved me, and have no idea, but you've killed something else, and have no idea...