Too Far

“Did I seduce you Nicole?”

“Of course. Don’t you remember?” She said it with real conviction.

“No. That's why I’m asking. I only had one drink, but I wound up getting pretty sick. I remember pieces of the evening, but not that much. Did you do something to me?”

“It could have been the Percoset.”

“’It could have,’ means it could have been something else. What else?”

“What do you mean?” asked Nicole.

“Is that what Carol meant when she said, ‘I don't suppose you could get Simon again, could you?’ What does ‘get Simon again’ mean?”

Carol gasped.

Nicole lowered her eyes. Her shoulders slumped. She didn’t answer right away. When she did, her voice was barely audible. “GHB. I only gave you a half dose so it wouldn’t hurt you.”

“Why?”

“Carol knew from that woman's report that you couldn’t be seduced. The redhead. Carol hired an agency that checks whether spouses are faithful. The woman would have slept with you and Carol would have had her excuse. But you wouldn’t do it. So Carol knew she would have to do something else.”

“Whose idea was the GHB?”

They looked at each other. Carol wasn’t talking, but she blushed.

“Carol researched it and she was able to get some. Simon, I want you to know how sorry I am. I started regretting it the next morning when you wouldn’t touch me. You were more upset about what you thought was your mistake than you were about what Carol would do to you. I felt lousy and I didn’t want you to know what I had done, so I just played along. Please forgive me. I’m so sorry.” Her tone confirmed the sentiments she was professing.

“Carol?”

“It doesn’t seem like that good an idea in retrospect. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“That’s not even remotely an apology.”

“I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t mean for you to find out.”

“That’s what you’re sorry about?”

“No. That’s not what I meant. If you didn’t find out, it wouldn’t hurt you. I didn’t want to hurt you. I just let myself get carried away with the excitement. I’m really sorry Simon. I promise it will never happen again. I’ll never give you any reason to doubt me.”

“Do you understand what you did? You helped me be raped and led me to believe it was all my fault. I don’t even know what the worst part of all of this is. I can probably get over you deciding and scheming to screw Frank. Everybody makes mistakes, even really big ones. But, that wasn’t enough for you. Do you realize what you did? You forced me to become an adulterer. That may be even worse to me than the fact of the rape. You get these terrible ideas and then you push. And you keep pushing ‘till you get to the edge. And this time you pushed it over the edge.”

“Don’t leave me Simon. I’ll do anything to make it up to you. I love you more than anything.”

“More than anything but you and what you want. I’m going to pack Carol. You’ll hear from my lawyer.”

“Don’t leave Simon,” said Carol. I don’t know what I’ll do without you. I’ll do anything.”

“That’s the truest thing you said today.” I walked out.

She followed me to the bedroom and continued to plead as I packed. The anger and the hurt prevented me from hearing what she was saying. Maybe she was sincere. Maybe she just regretted her loss. It didn’t matter. I couldn’t stay. She had gone too far.

“Carol, after the way you’ve treated me, I have decided to take my revenge.”

“Whatever you want. Whatever you need to do. Just don’t leave me.”

I had created hope in her mind that after I did whatever I had in mind, she could win me back. It was cruel to let her think that. The thought pleased me at the time. I was a bastard. The pleasure I took then in abusing her now repulses me. But I’ve had time to heal.

I left her sobbing. Maybe she really did love me. It didn’t matter. The cost was too high.

I wanted revenge. I wanted her to suffer the way I had. I wanted her family to know her for the ruthless, deceitful narcissist that she was. I wanted the people she worked with to know the treachery she was willing to bring to the workplace. I wanted her friends to know what she was capable of doing to her long time lover and companion and how she was willing to compromise her best friend to accomplish it. Could they be next? I wanted her exposed to and shunned by all of those people. I wanted her next sexual encounter to be with some big, ugly dyke that gave the convicted rapist no choice in the relationship. Just the thought of her suffering was cathartic.

But after the rush of emotion I had from those thoughts, I considered what I would have. I got along with her family well but I had no strong, independent relationship with her parents or brothers. Would they embrace me after learning what their daughter had done to me? I had no interest in any relationship with them. I barely knew anyone she worked with. I wasn’t around enough to see much of them. Her friends were her friends. We got along fine, but I would not have sought them out as friends on my own.

As far as prosecuting her for rape, it would be just about impossible without a confession. Even then, Nicole could wind up in jail as well, and I didn’t want that. If a trial ensued, I would be an object of public ridicule. Worst of all, even if I could bring about all that suffering for Carol, what did that make me? A man who takes so little pleasure in his own life that the only enjoyment he gets is from seeing someone else suffer? If I took action to make her suffer, I might lose more respect for myself as a man than I gained in satisfaction from her suffering.

Revenge was beginning to look like a mirage, the promise of a cool refreshing drink that wound up being just a bunch of hot air.

I stopped back at the house when I knew Carol was not home. I had some unfinished business. I viewed the living room tape.

“Come in Frank.”

“Oh baby, I’m so excited you finally decided to do this.”

“Well, you certainly have been persistent. You do flatter a girl.”

I didn’t need to see any more. She had at least told the truth about that. The slimy bastard had pursued my wife until he succeeded. That didn’t mitigate her loathsome behavior. But it did warrant some retribution.

I called Carol’s office and asked for Frank. Fortunately, there was only one.

“Frank, this is Simon Newsome. I’ve just come from the public health department and they told me I’m required by law to warn any sexual partners that Carol or I had that I got chlamydia from her. You better get checked dude.”

He sputtered, cursed and called her a “damn bitch.” Of course he would find out that he didn’t have it unless he got it elsewhere but I wasn’t through with him.

A week later I was waiting in the parking lot when he went for his car. I walked close to him and rushed at him when he reached the car, slamming him down on the hood.

“Hi Frank. It’s Simon Newsome again.” I pressed down on him restricting his breathing.

“You bastard. Carol didn’t have anything.”

“I’m the bastard? You pursued my wife, convinced her to fuck you, broke up our marriage and I’m the bastard?” I maintained the pressure on him.

Whether it was because it was difficult to breathe, let alone talk, or because he didn’t have anything to say, he remained silent.

“You’re lucky this time Frank. You didn’t catch anything and you’re alive. The next husband may decide to beat you to a pulp or to kill you without even asking your side. I probably won’t kill you, although I haven’t decided on that for sure. I guess you’ll just have to live with, oops, perhaps that’s a bad choice of words, with the consequences of your actions. I’ll be seeing you Frank. Or not.”

I think I had succeeded admirably in sounding menacing. I felt menacing. I hoped he would stay worried for quite some time. But it didn’t matter. I had told the truth. The next guy might just kill him without thinking. I felt better. This kind of revenge did not diminish me.

I forgave Nicole. She had shown real remorse all the way back to that morning in my hotel room. We even became friends.

Carol kept calling but it was two months before I would take her call.

“Carol, I’m not really interested in talking about much. I just wanted to tell you I decided to forgive you. I can’t say whether you deserve it or not, but you can take me off your conscience.”

“Does that mean there’s a chance of us getting back together?”

“I forgive you, Carol. But, I don’t think I’m going to be able to forget. I can’t imagine that I could ever trust you.”

“I’ll never give you any reason to doubt me again.”

“I don’t need any new reasons.”

“Please.”

“I can’t do it. Goodbye.” I hung up without waiting for a reply. I hadn’t spoken with any malice. I still felt something for her. I just wasn’t willing to risk my peace of mind with her. I had spent a significant part of my life with her and most of it was very good. I sincerely hoped that she would be happy, but it was of no interest to me. If I never again heard anything about her life, I would be fine.

I spoke with Carol one more time. I didn’t recognize the number she was calling from.

“Hello Simon.”

“Carol, we don’t have anything to talk about.”

“Just give me a minute and hear me out. That’s all I want. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my behavior, especially after you told me you forgave me. I haven’t been able to come up with a word to adequately describe how badly I behaved. I was not only willing to risk our entire relationship over something of no value, I was willing to rub your face in it. I have no idea how I could have done that and I’m so sorry. I’m not asking you to take me back. I wouldn’t take me back after how I acted. The things I did would be disgraceful if I did them to a stranger. That I could do them to someone I love, even worse someone who loved me, fills me with disgust. I know it doesn’t begin to make up for how I acted, but I needed to give you a sincere apology. I know how empty and worthless my apologies were back then. I get it now. I hope this is of some value to you.”

After around ten to fifteen seconds I concluded that she was finished. She had not only said the right things, she sounded sincere. I hadn’t realized it until then, but I think I needed to hear them. “Thank you, Carol.”

Neither of us had anything to say so we ended the conversation.

Some time later Nicole told me, unsolicited, that Carol is not happy. She doesn’t go out much. They don’t even get together much anymore. It’s a shame, but it’s not my problem.

I had what I initially thought I wanted, Carol’s misery. It wasn’t satisfying. How pathetic would I have felt if I had gone out of my way to bring it about and then felt unsatisfied? The worst revenge that could have been visited upon Carol turned out to be losing me and understanding the manner in which she had caused it.

I had loved her but I guess I had known this about her all along. The package of all of her other assets and qualities distracted me from a character flaw serious enough to allow her to throw away her marriage for a fantasy.

I don’t date women like her anymore. I look for a woman with a kind heart. There are other things I look for, but that one is a deal breaker.

I also switched professions. Carol’s deceit helped me get into security and surveillance before the bottom dropped out of the computer software market. I get to stay home most of the time now. I fully expect that someday there will be somebody to stay home with.