Train Wreck

I know, you're thinking this all looks innocent. It usually is.

I have spent a considerable amount of time trying to not be the jealous husband and let things just play out.

I commented to her in bed once about ladies at work talking about having crushes on others while married. I asked her if she has had any since we began our relationship. Crushes I meant, not men. Of course she said no.

I told her the story about my office wife and her husband's reaction to her blushing compliments about me all of the time to others. Denise said that was disrespectful to her husband and no wonder he was stand-off ish to me.

Exactly.

It was beginning to appear to me that Denise was attracted to her new employee. I could understand why. I don't think she even realized it.

I think he reminded her of me at his age. Energetic, articulate, enthusiastic, hopeful, dedicated, and hard working. I'm not bragging but those are qualities that brought her to me.

She told me so when we married.

I had won the student academy award for thesis design at our university. I worked for very well know design firms and I went on to work for a very well known entertainment studio and rose up the ranks quickly. I was a good catch.

I mean this guy doesn't bring any baggage with him because he's not really real in her life. Like a fantasy. Not real in the sense that whatever was attracting her to him was an illusion. She didn't have to argue with him, or deal with the kids with him, or feel guilty about not helping around the house with him, or feel like a bad mother around him.

So in her mind it was apparent that he was perfect and I was not.

On the outside she had what appeared to be an ideal life. Two houses, no debt, her own hobby business, a family complete with a dog, beautiful healthy children, a successful and charming husband.

Yeah right.

People only see what they want to see.

It's like the brightly coloured shirt example I gave earlier. People won't see me because they get distracted by my bold clothes.

And all of those successful life traits I just mentioned? They blinded all of our friends and family from the fact that we are a struggling couple trying to make it work with everyday stresses and some significant baggage from our childhoods like everybody else.

They would never believe we were really close to divorce a few years back.

That is why we stopped the couples counselling. It was ruining our marriage.

There is only so much looking at the past that one can bear really. Especially if you have the personality of not being able to forgive; like my wife. Every week we'd drudge through why she was so upset with me from our first 10 years of marriage. We'd dig it all up, dump the issues on the table, and my wife would seethe with anger. It didn't matter if it happened 15 years ago.

The negative energy was destroying us.

We had just gotten back from a wonderful European vacation as a family and were crazy happy. That trip had some of the best memories of my life.

Then we went to our weekly therapy session and walked out of it on the edge of divorce. I fired the counsellor. I told my wife I wanted to spend that money instead on the two of us dating and reconnecting.

And we did. For a time.

A little attraction to others is a good thing I think. Playful banter, friendships. As long as it doesn't cross the line. I have quite a few lady friends at work. I keep it in perspective though. I don't go out with them alone outside of the office. We eat lunch in public company spaces. We don't have closed door conversations.

Those friendships did wonders to help my self esteem for when my wife rejected me.

I felt admired, respected by those friends at work. I realized that people do still find me attractive and desirable even if my wife did not.

A while back I installed some security software in Denise's office. A simple program that let's you see from another station activity going on through the web cam. You can record it, or not. I mentioned to my wife I had put it in the office since she has a number of new employees now and was worried about our expensive equipment.

A couple of days ago, I pulled the software port up from home to do some maintenance and I noticed my wife was still there working. I had thought she'd left for a meeting?

Her friend had come by as well and they were talking. They were the only ones in the office. The security system had an audio feed as well so I thought I'd listen for a moment.

For a while my wife and her friend were talking life, job, the usual stuff.

Her friend Annie had been married for some time and she was talking about some of the difficulties they were having. Regular married stuff. She wanted children, her husband didn't. He was avoiding sex with her, she was in therapy.

They were good friends of ours so this level of conversation was normal. Annie asked Denise about our home life...how it was...how have we kept together for so long.

Denise's response was a little more honest than I was comfortable with. At least it woke me up to the truth of what was going on though.

"I don't know really, I mean most of our marriage has been just learning how to be married. If that makes sense." Denise commented.

"It's been difficult. Sure we fight and we've been in therapy together. And Elliott has a lot of baggage from his childhood growing up...it's like I had a damaged husband and I'm sometimes angry about what I was put through with him and his unstable emotional state when his father died."

"Do you love him? I mean really love him. Like if you had to do it over again you would? I mean he's good looking, seems like a great dad and everything. I always thought you two were happy?" Annie asked.

"I did love him. I think I'm more committed to him now though instead of love."

"If I had to do it over, I don't think I would. But then again I wouldn't have had my daughters."

"You know I kind of cheated on Tom a while back. It was tough. I mean I didn't really cheat. It was just that he wouldn't have sex with me so I was going out in the evenings with a guy from work." Annie remarked.

"Tom found out. I hurt him bad even though nothing ever really happened with the other guy. Some kissing and touching. You know, college stuff. At least it forced us to talk. And we really talked for the first time about why Tom didn't want children. I think though that is why we are still in a rough patch, the 'fling' part of it I mean."

"I can see how that would be tough on Tom." Denise said.

"You know, I used to think I was a one man woman...and I have been for my whole marriage." Denise continued. "But I just don't see that it's really that important to me any more." " I mean what good is it, right? In the end the marriage is still difficult and I still have to tolerate it. And what's wrong with me wanting to be happy? I just don't think it's a big deal if I have fun a little. Not really harming anyone." Denise again commented.

I didn't like where this conversation was going at all. In fact I was pretty scared. Actually just sad really, and disappointed. Even though our marriage had been difficult, I do feel like I truly loved Denise. But somehow I've always felt like it wasn't that way with her. I mean for the longest time my therapist and I talked about it being my insecurities from childhood. But in listening to her comments I was getting that feeling in my gut...you know, the not good kind.

"You haven't cheated on Elliott have you? Because if you have let me tell you it will rip you two apart, unless that is what you want?"

"I don't know what I want. I know I want to be happy. And I know I'm not now. I look at Elliott and I just see my failures. Or at least reminded of them. He once suggested I'd have divorced him by now if I was able to support myself financially. I didn't disagree. I didn't say anything actually." Denise said.

"And no, I haven't yet cheated on Elliott...not physically."

"What do you mean?"

At that moment Annie's phone rang and she picked up. It was her husband. She said she had to go and they should continue this conversation soon. My wife went back to work and I turned off the camera.

By now I was feeling pretty sick. What does she mean when she says 'yet' about cheating? And what does it mean not physical? The only thing I could think of was that it meant she felt something for this guy. I hadn't expected that. I really didn't know what to feel. I think I just sat there in that chair until Denise came through the front door. She asked if I was feeling al-right to which I answered simply 'no' with no explanation. I went to bed without saying anything.

Inside I was grieving. Grieving for our relationship.

I mean you can't live with someone for over half your life and not feel for them - love, friendship, whatever you want to call it. I mean, I lost my virginity to this woman. I had also watched my daughter's heads emerge out of her vagina for god's sake.

Grief and fear is all I can describe what I felt.

I think it was the realization that I knew where things were going. It was what was going to happen that I feared the most.

It was like that analogy people make of watching a train wreck happen in slow motion and not being able to stop it. You know what the end result is going to be, but you just hope and pray that it won't be like that.

Now I've never seen a train wreck, nor do I imagine a very large percentage of the populous has either, but it's an easy visual analogy to picture, if not over used reference.

So that brings us back to today. Walking into her office and having her designer act so strange to me. I left confused.

I spent the next few days gathering my thoughts and composure. Each night I had to endure Denise complimenting Jared's existence and how great he was and how he did everything right. I commented once that I thought she talked about Jared a lot. I asked if she had a crush or something on him. Her eyes had a momentary look of panic, but she settled back and recovered. "No, no. Just really impressed. The last guy we had was so inexperienced. It's nice to have someone taking care of things." Exactly right. I wonder if that was a Freudian slip or if she didn't actually mean to say what she implied given the circumstances.

It was her birthday that week. We did the typical celebration and the girls gave their mother her presents.

I had written a letter to her. It was a letter she'd asked for since she found out I was writing it. You see its part of my death letter.

Morbid I know.

What I mean is that we had recently finished our wills and part of that process for me was to write Denise and each of the girls a goodbye letter. I was going to tell them each what they meant to me, help them move on from their grief, and help them remember the good times we did have.

I had told Denise this.

She was sad one morning that if she died first she wouldn't get to read my letter. I had told her then I'll finish the part of our early memories together and give it to her. That's what I did. It ended up being 16 pages long. Small type. No double spacing. It was a sequential list of paragraphs, each a different memory of our time together. I could have written 100 pages but I felt 16 was enough for her for the moment.

I gave it to her on her birthday. She said she wanted to be rested to read it.

Three weeks went by. She still hadn't opened it.

I don't know about you but if my spouse gave me a 16 page letter filled with romantic and good memories I'd want to read it. This told me where I stood with her. It hurt. I knew she was afraid to read it but that knowledge didn't make it hurt less.

Denise was going to have a meeting in the evening this week and I believe it was to include Jared and another employee. I decided I was going to drop by, unannounced and unseen...and see what happens. Maybe nothing. I knew she was going to be driving to the meeting so I put my iphone in the car and programmed it to record audio. I wanted to see what she talked about with him. I'm not proud of this but I'd become a little desperate to know the truth.

The night of the meeting didn't work out as I planned and I ended up not being able to go out and see with my eyes what was, or wasn't going on between Jared and Denise.

I did get the audio though.

I wish I hadn't.

God I really wish I hadn't.

It was probably the most painful and humiliating 15 minutes I've ever experienced. I sat there and listened to my wife make casual flirtations with him.

It wasn't just the flirting though. There was a desire in her voice. Things were escalating and by the time they got back to the office parking lot the banter had turned inappropriately intimate.

I sat and I listened.

I listened downstairs to the recording while my wife was upstairs just having kissed me goodnight.

I listened to her kiss him in the audio recording on the cheek saying thank you for the evening.

I listened as the kiss was repeated on the mouth.

I listened to her giggle.

I listened as I heard them passionately kissing.

I listened to him ask about how to unclip her bra.

I listened to the heavy breathing.

I don't think they actually had sex. It stopped right after the moaning as my wife said something like 'not like this'. My guess was she didn't want to be getting screwed inside the car in her office parking lot like some slut...while her husband was home watching the children with dinner waiting.

At least that is what I told myself.

I did sit there kind of frozen. I had never felt that kind of pain.

I drunk myself into a stupor that night and fell asleep on the couch.

Denise woke me saying it was time to go to work. She asked what was wrong and if I felt OK.

I didn't really respond and she shrugged and went on with her business.

While she was in the shower her phone made a chirp.

One of those calendar alarm chirps, or new message chirps.

I picked it up.

On the iphones you can have it set so the message just appears and keeps chirping until you have answered it. The message was from an unidentified phone number. It said simply "Can I see you tonight, office, 8 pm? Keep thinking about last night."

I put the phone back and got ready for the day. Denise got dressed and before we were leaving the house she mentioned she had a meeting at 8 that night she forgot to tell me about.

Right.

She said the meeting was to be at city hall so I shouldn't try and contact her. She should be home by 10.

Right.

I was surprised at how easily the lies were coming off of her lips while looking me in the eye. Had I ever really known this woman? I mean so far there wasn't that much physical infidelity going on...

Deception was a whole different matter though.

I decided I'd confront her that night. I'd go over to the office maybe at 8:30 and walk in on them. I hadn't really planned what I was going to do, or say. Maybe I could nip this thing off before it really got started and try couples therapy again I thought. With a different therapist of course.

Most of that day I was just on autopilot really. I did wear a dashing brightly coloured chequered shirt. Lot's of people commented on it. My office wife asked me if I felt OK.

She knew the secret of the bright shirt colours.

One thing I hadn't expected was the amount of pain I was in. I really couldn't breathe or function at all. Debilitating is the word I'm searching for.

My wife called after lunch to remind me of her meeting that night. I guess she could sense something was wrong.

"Elliott are you feeling al-right? You haven't been yourself and you looked really sick this morning? Do you need to go to the doctor?"

"Maybe." I played along. "You know the doctor is open late so maybe you could take me over there this evening to his office? He has evening hours." I was talking about my shrink.

"Oh, you know I have this meeting tonight...?"

"Oh, right." She was concerned only enough so that it wouldn't impact her make out session with her friend that evening.

"What is it, are you feeling ill?"

"No, not really. The doctor could help though." I was talking about my psychiatrist not a general physician. She didn't know that.

"I just learned something awful about a really good friend of mine so I'm not feeling too good about it. It's painful because I don't want anything to do with them any more after what they've done and I might have to tell them tonight if things don't go OK."

"Oh no, let's talk about it tonight after I get back? OK?"

Sure.

"OK goodbye. And Denise, I love you."

"I love you too Elliott, I hope you feel better."

I locked my door to my office. I sat in my chair and just collapsed.

I had some muscle relaxents in my drawer for anxiety and such during the day if I needed it.

I also had alcohol.

I also had Tylenol with codeine I was taking home for my daughter who just had her teeth pulled.

I knew I could take enough to shut down my liver and cause other problems. Oh believe me I'd researched it.

But maybe the other night was a fluke? That couldn't be though because tonight's meeting was a planned hook up?

I realized she was knowingly planning on cheating on me. Well maybe she wasn't though, maybe she was going to tell him it was a mistake and needed to cut it off?

Maybe the train wreck won't be as bad as I know it will be?

Right.

People see what they choose to see.

I sat there and seriously contemplated taking all of the medication and the whole bottle of vodka. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of my girls.

It wouldn't be fair really for my office wife to find me like that anyway. Kind of messy, and it would traumatize her. That's not a nice thing to do.

Besides the girls wouldn't get any insurance on a suicide.

I left the office at 6 for home. I picked up dinner and went to the house to feed the girls. I existed in a state of shock until 8 at which point I told my daughters I needed to run an errand. I kissed them both and told them I loved them and how much they meant to me. I told them one day they'd get a letter telling them just how much but I'd hoped they wouldn't be getting it for a long time. They didn't really know what I was talking about.

I composed myself and drove to Denise's office. As I stood outside I felt empty, fearful, and strangely hopeful that everything would turn out all right.

While I stood outside trying to listen and I wondered how I had gotten myself to this place in time. The office had a large window at the front with a door. The blinds were closed and the small office opened out to the side walk. The side of the building had another door.

I stood out there.

I pulled up my iphone and logged into the web server to see what was going on inside.

I wish I hadn't.

God I wish I hadn't.

I'm not going to go into detail about what I saw and heard. They were things a married man should never have to hear or see concerning his wife.

Did I really ever know this woman?

Who the fuck was she? or who the fuck had she become?

The train wreck wasn't stopping.

It was getting worse.

I thought about stopping it and stepping in.

I didn't though.

Not because I was a wimp but because I felt it was over and I somehow acknowledged it. Painful as it was but I couldn't control what she did. It took a lot more strength not going in there than to have gone in and confronted them.

We don't ever really 'own' someone else so I couldn't tell her what to do.

It's more like we 'share' parts of our lives with each through mutual respect.

Like sharing your soul.

Sharing your hopes and fears.

Sharing laughter.

Your deceiving yourself if you think otherwise.

I was turning off the phone when I heard my wife ask him to stop. They hadn't had sex yet but just about everything up to it.