Trust Your Journey

The rain pattered against the roof, calm compared to the earlier pounding against the windows, the brick, and the shingles overhead. I sat with my notebook lying flat on my desk, my pen twirling between the two fingers of my right hand, deep in thought. My mind distracted by the rain as I tried to press my brain for ideas and plots.

The lights were dimmed and although it was only two in the afternoon, it was dark thanks to angry clouds and rain hiding the sun. I closed my eyes, attempting to cast my thoughts of her far away. The woman who once consumed my thoughts, my brain, my eyes, and here I was, trying to forget her. Drinking her away hadn't worked, neither had lying in my bed, drifting to other worlds or lost in a black hole inside of my head. I had turned to my other love, writing. Except now I couldn't make myself do it, I couldn't put the pen to the paper and commit to this seemingly simple task. I sucked in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. I heard mindfulness was supposed to help distract one from intrusive thoughts, yet when that was over, her smiling face was the picture in my head. The times we'd spent together, the happiness, the love that we had made now gone, only a ghost occupying my thoughts.

Her smiling face quickly shifted into an angry one, the day she walked away, and out of my life for good. The image stole my breath and tears pricked at my eyes. I never wanted her to leave, I wanted to work things out, but I couldn't fight back, I couldn't give her what she wanted, what she needed.

"Nadra." My lips betrayed me, whispering her name softly. I swore I'd never speak her name again but I couldn't fight it. I still loved her, I wanted her to come back, to accept my apologies and my love. I threw the pen across the room as I started to cry. I lifted the notebook and ripped out the blank pages, tossing them onto the floor. My anger was frightening and irrational but I couldn't stop. I threw the notebook, a thud sounding as it connected with the wall. I buried my face into my hands and sobbed. Why couldn't I just talk? I should have screamed back, I should have laid every issue between us out on the table. We should have talked it out, yelled it out, whatever had to be done. But I shut down, I simply stared as she begged, pleading for me to talk to her.

My eyes stung and I still felt as if I could cry so much more. I wanted to pick up my phone and call her, tell her I love her and I'm sorry. Or show up at her door, wrap my arms around her, kiss her lips, and tell her how much I've missed her. I sat at my desk, contemplating. What if she didn't answer the phone, what if she wouldn't open her door because she didn't want to see me? That would shatter me more than I already was. I opened up the drawer on the right and removed the photo frame I had shoved in there in a fit of anger. I stared down at the two of us. Two smiling faces, my arm around her shoulders, her arm around my waist. My eyes welled with tears again but I replaced the frame, closed the drawer, and wiped my eyes. I had to do something, it was contact her or make plans to move on.

I couldn't move on. Nadra was the only woman I'd ever loved, the only person I could have truly love. I pushed the chair out and headed for my coat rack. I slipped my purple rain jacket on and grabbed my purse and keys. The rain had picked up and was now coming down in sheets. The cold rain and wind stung my face as I dashed toward my car, scolding myself for not cleaning out the garage. Finally behind the wheel, rain sliding off my raincoat, I gripped the wheel and stared at the garage door. How many times had she told me I should clean out the garage? I could see her now, laughing and calling me a packrat. Why had I let her go so easily? I started the engine and backed out of the driveway, nerves searing my stomach and as I started toward her house. The entire drive I felt I was going to puke. I was a trainwreck but I had to talk to her, I needed her.

Her garage door was closed and I had no idea if she was home. It wasn't dark enough to make out whether any lights were on. As I slipped out of my car, my stomach dropped in fear. I slowly made my way up the sidewalk to her front door. Her porch was always so neat just as her house. Everything had a place and was in order. My heart pounded as I stood in front of her door, trying to force my finger to press the button to ring the doorbell. Finally, I pushed it forward and struck the button. I could hear the bell sounding and I heard footsteps. My heart pounded even harder and I wasn't sure if I was going to puke or sob. I knew she'd check the peephole, she'd know it was me.

The door opened and she stood beside it, one hand hanging onto the knob, staring at me from behind her glass storm door. My tears calmed and I sniffed, my nose stuffy from the crying. Her long wavy black hair was down, spilling onto a dark purple shirt. The flat expression on her face gave away she was pained by the sight of me. I had caused her pain and that made me feel as if I had just been stabbed in my gut. Tears fell quickly from my eyes, there was no stopping them now. I wanted her, I needed to hold her. I slipped inside, my arms slipping around her shoulders. My eyes stung and I still felt as if I could cry so much more.

I started to sob. She wrapped one arm around my waist and placed her free hand on the back of my head. "I'm so sorry, baby. I'm sorry I couldn't react to you. I'm sorry," I sobbed harder," I'm sorry. I love you." I could hear her own sobs as she ran her fingers through my hair.

"I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have left," she said softly. She pulled away from me and closed the large mahogany door. All I could do was stare at her. I had missed every part of her and the past ten days without her and been utter hell. She walked back to me and stared up at me. My heart fluttered at the sight of her eyes, large deep brown eyes the color of dark chocolate. She took my hand in hers, tugging me gently toward the stairs. The feel of her hand in mine sent a shock throughout my body. My body knew where we were going, knew what was about to happen. I followed close behind her, our hands still connected. Her bedroom smelled of vanilla and peppermint, two of her favorite scents. She stopped once she'd reached the side of her bed and I immediately moved toward her, my lips pressing into hers, tasting her vanilla chapstick she habitually applied throughout the day.

I kissed her hard, one hand was in her hair, the other on her neck. Her hands were at my waist, on my back. I pushed her down on her bed and I pulled my lips away to stare down at her. That carnal look in her eyes sent chills coursing through my body. My heart was already pounding, and my breath heavy. My lips returned to hers, my tongue once again entering her mouth. My hands slid down her side, gliding across her breasts through her shirt. Her fingers were slipping under my shirt, gliding along my slides. My mouth moved to her neck, sucking lightly on her perfumed skin. The vanilla and peppermint mixed with her scent filled my nose and made me all the more crazy. My fingers lowered to the hem of her shirt and I slipped it over her shoulders.

I stared down at her heaving chest, her bra the color of lavender. I sat up, my hands at her stomach, gliding between her breasts before my mouth kissed the tops of each softly, while my hands slipped under and expertly unfastened the snaps. I pulled at the freed straps and slipped it off her, mindlessly tossing it to the floor, unable to tear my eyes away. I breathed out at the sight, then lowered my mouth, kissing her breast, then taking her nipple into my mouth and sucking lightly. A soft moan escaped her lips and I could feel her breathe out. I moved to the other, my hand lifting to caress the other, then slowly sliding down her stomach. I slipped my fingers inside her pants, feeling the soft lace of her underwear, then slipped them inside of her briefly. I climbed over her and straddled her, my lips connecting with hers again, kissing her hard and trailing along jawline, her neck, all the way down. My fingers tugged at her pants and pulled them down.

I stared down at her, the fire inside me growing stronger as I took in the sight of her. The only clothing on her body was the lavender underwear. I knelt down and pressed my face into her, kissing her through the fabric. "Gabby, please," she exclaimed, her voice raspy, "please," she said again, her fingers moving to the hem of her underwear. I laughed softly and removed them, tossing them to the side. The scent of her filled my nostrils, causing the feelings in my lower belly to grow stronger. I kissed the side of each thigh softly, slowly, teasing her before I moved my face down and so slowly slipped my tongue inside of her. She cried out and wrapped her legs around my shoulders as my arms went underneath her, my hands gripping her legs. I moved my tongue around slowly, barely touching her most sensitive spot. I'd missed her taste and I could feel myself aching for her touch.

I wanted to feel her come, I wanted to make her come over and over. I pressed my tongue harder into her, my motions slow. I could feel her body heaving and every so often, a soft moan left her lips. I could feel her body tense and I knew she was getting close. I increased the speed of my tongue, licking her fast, until she cried out and I felt her body jerk. I sucked her clit, her body jerking more, until she fell back onto the bed, exhausted. Her breathing was heavy but was slowing, and I crawled upward until we were face to face. I loved the tranquil look on her face. I leaned down and kissed her lips, thankful she wasn't type to protest tasting herself on her lover's lips.

Our kiss deepened and her fingers slipped under my shirt, caressing my stomach. My breath caught in my throat at the feeling of her soft, warm fingers on my flesh. Her lips moved to my neck and she licked, then breathed out, sending more chills throughout my body. Her fingers then moved to the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my shoulders. The carnal look returned to her eyes as she gazed at my breasts. Dark brown eyes lifted to meet mine briefly, then she buried her head between them. I cried out as her tongue moved to my right nipple and her finger to the left, squeezing, torturing.

The fire inside of me grew stronger with every kiss, lick, breath. I wanted her more than I'd ever wanted anything in my life. When her head was finally between my legs, I wanted to cry. For the two months that I'd spent away from her, for the sleepless nights that I spent drunk and sobbing. For every morning that I awoke, grasping the sheets where she used to lie. Now she was mine again and the emotions were overwhelming.

A high pitched gasp left my mouth as her tongue entered me. I sucked in a breath and my fingers moved to her head, grasping at her dark hair as she licked and sucked at my clit. I moaned again and her speed increased. My pelvic muscles clenched with her every movement, my fingers pulling at her long hair. "Nadra," I cried out. This caused her to lick faster and harder and finally, I was thrown over the edge. "FUCK," I screamed as my body arched and every nerve in my body tingled. My breath slowed and I fell into the bed, my hands on her shoulders. She climbed up, giggling, a smirk lining her lips as she pressed them into mine.

"I love you," I told her as she rolled off me to her side and pushed her naked body into mine.

The way her forehead creased and drew her eyebrows together, her lips pressed into a straight line told me things were not okay. I felt my stomach sinking like a ship filling with water. Tears pricked at my eyes again and I closed them, fighting them.

"What can I do to fix this?"

She sucked in a breath and flipped to her back. "I don't know, Gabby. I can't keep going through this." Her hands lifted to cover her face and my eyes were drawn to the sight of her naked body and my lips quivered. "You shut me out, you ignore me and spend your time lost in your writing. I get it, I do, but we had turned into roommates." If I lost this, lost her for good, I don't know that I would ever love anyone again. She was mine and I was hers, I had to make her see this.

"I love you, I'm sorry you felt that way, those were not my intentions," I said and I could not stop those tears from betraying me. "I pressed my face into her neck, my tears dripping into her flesh.. She did not bother to wipe them. I lifted my head and gently took hers into my hands and I stared down into those dark eyes. "I love you so much and I'm so sorry. Please don't make me leave. Please come home."

I missed her smile, the way it stretched across her lips, showing the dimples on the sides of her mouth. I loved the way that smile reached her eyes and I felt my heart melting at the memory of it. Now she lie before me with a frown on those perfect lips. I wanted to wipe away the sadness on her face, the sadness I had created.

"It will be different." I took her hand into mine, our fingers entwined. "We're good together, Nadra. You know that." I choked back sobs, refusing to cry again. "I'm not going to beg you. If you want me out of your life, fine." I dropped her hand, a light thud sounding as it hit the mattress. I slipped off the bed and searched for my clothes while she lie unmoving on the bed. After collecting my clothing and dressing, I gazed down at her naked body. "I love you. I'm sorry I fucked everything up. But you're the one ending this, not me." I could see tears sliding down her face but there was nothing left to say. I'd placed the ball inside her court and there was nothing left for me to say or do. "I love you," I said, my voice raspy from holding back the sobs that wanted to escape.

With that, I left her bedroom and made my way downstairs. I stopped to gaze around, to really take in everything she had done without me. I closed my eyes briefly, then opened her front door and stepped out, closing it behind me. Now the tears were falling freely and once I was safely inside my car, the sobs followed and I could hardly breathe. I couldn't make myself start the car, I had to calm down. I had to pull myself together but the woman I love was inside of that house and I could not have her. She wasn't mine and the past two hours had given me false hope. To her, they had meant nothing more than a booty call and to me, they'd meant everything. She had shattered me. I had never felt so broken.

I don't remember much during my drive home. The twenty minutes were spent in a brain fog where I felt nothing but numbness. My eyes hurt, I was tired and all I wanted to do was collapse into my bed and sleep for three days straight. I had to forget her. Why had she fucked me when she had no intentions of repairing our relationship? I felt used, I felt cold, and my sadness had turned to anger.

Back inside my house, I noted the ripped pages thrown about and the notebook lying on the floor. I had thrown these things out of anger of wanting my girl back. Now I realized she wasn't my girl and she wasn't the girl I used to know. The Nadra I knew would not have hurt me the way she had tonight. If she'd refused to allow me inside her house, it would have hurt less than being fucked and tossed aside.

I walked toward the wall where I'd thrown my notebook and pen and retrieved both. I slid to the floor and opened the notebook, uncapped the pen, and started writing.

Trust your journey. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to.

The sound of the doorbell startled me and part of me wanted to ignore it. I had no idea who'd be behind the door, but whoever it was wouldn't let up. The ringing turned to knocking and yelling and I knew that voice. I knew that voice too well. I raced to the door, fumbled with the lock in my haste, and pulled it open. She wrapped her arms around my neck and tackled me to the floor. Her lips pressed firmly into mine. "I need you. I can't live without you. I want my life with you. You are my life." I sat up with her in my arms and pulled her to me. I hugged her tighter than I ever had. She pulled back and those dark eyes were studying my face. "I want to marry you. I want babies with you. You're the only person I could love." That smile, it was back and everything I'd been feeling since I left her house had dissipated. "I love you, too. you're my everything."

It's funny how life works. But the truth was in the words I wrote just before Nadra arrived. Trust your journey. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to.