Tunnel of Love Pt. 02

"You...you talked about that?"

"Yes. Mike didn't tell you?"

"No. We...we didn't talk about...we're still not talking about any of it at home."

"Well, here's my understanding."

Dr. Seymour relayed what Mike had told her. Jennifer confirmed it, breaking into tears halfway through. She seemed relieved when it was over.

Because so far it's still contained. I haven't asked her if there's more to the story. She's waiting for that, but tonight is not the night. I can't be the first one to hear it.

"Jennifer, last time you were here, we talked a little about your history with Mike. I'd like to go into that in some more detail now. Can you give me some examples of some things Mike has done in the last year or two that have made you happy?"

Jennifer's eyes brightened. Dr. Seymour got an earful. After a while, she had to interrupt.

"Okay, that's...enough. Now, can you give me some examples of some things Mike has done that have made you unhappy?"

Jennifer looked puzzled.

"Unhappy?"

"Yes."

"Um..."

Jennifer was silent for a while. When she finally cited a few situations, they were unremarkable. Typical day-in-the-life-of-a-married-couple stuff. Some minor misunderstandings, a disagreement over money...

"Jennifer, sometimes people in your situation...people with the weaker hand, so to speak...are reluctant to appear critical of their spouses. Don't think of appearances here or be worried about what you think or feel. Honesty is key here."

"Um...I'm not...really, those are the things that come to mind."

"So there's nothing that's really stuck with you for a while?"

"Well...no."

"Okay. Before you met James—"

The name visibly rattled Jennifer.

"—how would you have described your satisfaction with your relationship with Mike?"

Jennifer started to sob. After a moment and still a bit shaken, she answered.

"It was great. It was great! Mike is...he was...a rock, you know? Just...solid. I always knew that he loved me. Never questioned it."

Took it for granted? Never valued it much in the first place?

"That's why," Jennifer continued, "it's so hard now...especially right after. He was so distant, that night. So cold. He was a different person..."

"Jennifer, it's very common for people in long-term relationships to get a little...well, bored with each other. Did you ever feel that way?"

"No! I mean, yeah, I guess you could say that we're a little boring. People have even said that to us, kind of as a joke, but we laugh with them! Me especially; I'm the more boring person. That's one of the reasons why I love Mike...he lets me be, well, kind of lazy. Boring."

"He lets you inhabit your comfort zone?"

"Yes, that's exactly it!"

Time for a push. Not too far, though. Let's see if she can get there herself.

"Jennifer, as much as we like our comfort zones, sometimes when we get outside them—or get taken outside them—it can be exciting. Do you agree?"

Watching Jennifer's reaction, Dr. Seymour imagined her as a cartoon character. A light bulb appeared above her head. It switched on, illuminating the room.

"Um...I...suppose. Maybe. Sometimes."

"Why do you think that is?"

Jennifer thought for a while.

"I guess...well, when something makes you feel nervous or scared, it also makes you feel...well, more alive, I guess."

Very good.

"But—well, I'm not one of those 'extreme' people in the news and stuff. I can't imagine living on the edge all the time."

You like having that comfort zone to fall back into. That's how it was during your time with James. You had adventure with him, comfort at home.

"And," Jennifer continued, "I was never...unsatisfied with Mike...I love him! I've always loved him! To think...that he doesn't believe...that you don't believe...That night, after he found out, you know what he said? He said, 'Did you ever really love me? Has it all been a lie, like the lie you told me about Susan?' Then he said...something about me wearing...a 'brilliant disguise'..."

Interesting phrase. Bet it comes from somewhere. I'll have to look it up.

"How did you respond?"

"That was when Mikey woke up...for the second time...but it's not true. A disguise? I wore my heart, on my sleeve, for him...ask anyone, anyone who knows us!"

Jennifer straightened in her chair and crossed her legs.

"Do you think guys don't hit on me? Especially at the gym, when my boobs are bouncing around? Guys hit on me all the time! I've always blown them off, never given them the time of day...never gave a thought to anyone but Mike..."

"Never, that is, until you met James?"

The question rattled Jennifer. Dr. Seymour had debated whether to ask it. It was more confrontational than she'd intended this session to be. She decided to retreat a little.

"Jennifer, why do you think guys hit on you all the time?"

Jennifer looked confused, as if the answer should have been obvious.

"Um...well, you know guys, always checking us girls out and...well, I'd like to think I'm attractive. I work hard to keep in shape, look good..."

You are attractive, you know it, still you like other people to confirm it?

"James," Dr. Seymour said, watching Jennifer again flinch at the name. "He's a hunk, I take it?"

"Um...I guess you could say that."

"How would you say it, Jennifer?"

"Um, do I really..."

Dr. Seymour raised her eyebrows.

"Okay," Jennifer continued, "he was...you know, I really don't want to..."

Eyebrows still raised, Dr. Seymour tilted her head forward.

Out with it, Jennifer!

"He was...um," Jennifer looked down to her lap and nearly whispered. "He was...the most beautiful man I've ever seen."

Jennifer's words hung in the air, while Dr. Seymour reflected on them.

Hmm, hunk-a-saurus! So you got weak in the knees. But for a purportedly happily married woman, it's a long way from heart palpations to necking, tongue-dueling, and who-knows-what-else you did. Speaking of which...

"So we've talked about your overall relationship with Mike. Let's get into something more specific. Did you ever hear that song, 'Let's Talk About Sex, Baby'?"

Dr. Seymour had only heard the song once and didn't know the lyrics. However, with women of Jennifer's generation, it seemed to be a good icebreaker. The influence of music on a person's psychology was something Dr. Seymour had always felt she'd underestimated. It was something she needed to study up on; if only her nights weren't taken up with...

"Yes, I've heard the song," Jennifer said—guardedly, yet betraying the hint of a smile.

"So here goes: Sex. You and Mike. Discuss."

"Um..."

"Good? Bad?"

"Good! Really good!"

With some further prompting, Jennifer went on to describe her sex life. She had the usual complaints about lack of time, lack of energy on occasions, the difficulty of getting "in the mood" amidst the distractions of work, homemaking and child-rearing.

"No complaints about Mike, though?"

"Gosh, no!"

"Can you remember the last time you had sex before you met James?"

The name shook her again.

"Um...yes. It was Monday morning. I remember because we...almost never...maybe never? In the morning, on a working Monday. And that afternoon is when...when I met..."

"Okay, so you remember. A little girl talk now, OK? Tell me about it that morning."

Jennifer blushed. Hesitatingly, she answered.

"We...had to be quick, you know. Mikey could have woken up at any minute. We had to get ready for work. He...um, you want details?"

Dangerous, Gayle, dangerous...but you have a legitimate need to know. There's a sexual angle to this case, for sure.

"Some."

"Well, he...um...we were naked and he, um...did some foreplay...then I turned around and...bent over and...well, you can probably guess the rest."

"Did you climax?"

Jennifer blushed.

"Um, yes. I always...always. Except...one time, a week or so after the night at—"

She stopped suddenly.

The night at...where? Where did you "go for a drink" with James, Jennifer?

"Um, between the night Kevin died and the night Mike found out, I was having some trouble then and one night when I was with Mike I didn't...but before that, always! He...he knows me, you know? He just knows me."

That can be good, and bad.

"Have you had sex since Mike found out?"

"No. I've tried a couple times, but he just...I guess I shouldn't rush him, but it's hard. I love him so much, I want him...you know, just before he found out, we had the best...maybe the best ever..."

"Jennifer, help me out here. You spent time with another man without Mike's knowledge, right?"

"Um...right," she said, seeming to brace herself.

"You made out with him?"

Jennifer hesitated.

"Okay, yes. But—"

"Hold on, Jennifer. We're going to talk more about this with Mike. Here's my problem: Most of the time, in cases like yours, there's some previous strain in the relationship. Some discontent, maybe even anger. And underneath all that, there's some emotional need that isn't being met. But I'm not hearing anything like that from you."

"No...there was nothing!"

"And, from what I'm hearing—and how he comes across—your husband is a darn boy scout!"

Jennifer smiled.

"That's...that's another thing people actually say. And he was boy scout, literally."

"Okay. You need to know that it's hard for me to understand—and more importantly, for Mike to understand—how things could have happened as they did."

"I know! It's hard for me, even! But I think I can explain..."

"Okay. Get ready, because I think that's going to happen soon. Not just the why, but the what. Are you willing to talk about what happened with James—very explicitly, if necessary?"

Jennifer flinched.

"Um...does it matter?"

"It might. It's up to Mike, though. I've asked him to think about if he needs to know the details of your affair."

Jennifer flashed a defiant look.

"It wasn't...it wasn't an affair! We were just friends. I never meant...and I did not have sex with him! Ever! It wasn't even my fault, really...if you only knew..."

"Jennifer...Jennifer! Listen. Here's something else I want you to think about before next time: I want you to imagine Mike doing all the things you did. All of them, understand? And I want you to think about how you'd feel to learn about those things. Okay?"

"Um...okay."

"I want to change the subject now. I'm afraid the next subject isn't any more pleasant, but: I would like to hear more about your sister."

Jennifer took a deep breath and began to tell the story. Dr. Seymour interrupted her a few times with questions. She wondered if Jennifer understood their purpose.

"Have you ever talked with Mike, this much, about your sister?"

"Yes, of course. He's always been very sweet about it, but..."

Dr. Seymour waited.

"Well, Mike is kind of this tough guy. About physical things. Other things, well, he's almost a baby—I mean, he cries at movies! But physical pain...no. He tries to teach Mikey the same way. Sometimes...well, I don't know if he understands what it's like for other people who aren't so tough. What it's like for the rest of us to suffer, physically—or for us to see people suffer. That's partly why—"

Suddenly, Jennifer stopped.

Why what? Why...oh, look at her, she's exhausted. Enough for now.

"Jennifer, we're already slightly past your session time. Let's call it a night, okay? But I want you to think about the questions I've asked you, before next week's session with Mike. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Goodnight, then."

* * *

Writing in her notebook, Dr. Seymour reflected on where the case stood.

Jennifer has two traits that have probably affected her behavior.

One is vanity. Possible influences: only child after sister's death, doting parents, reinforcement in adolescence and early adulthood from boys and men attracted to her. After so many years, maybe she took Mike's attention for granted...or just wanted more. Enter James, the "most beautiful man" she's ever met.

Ironically, fear of losing Mike now has her desperate for his attention again. Fact that he might not desire her anymore is eating away at her. But lingering vanity is an obstacle to awareness of how deeply she betrayed him. She's still defensive; perhaps she's even repressed some things.

Second trait is her affection for children. Possible transference from trauma over death of her sister when they were young. Clearly, it is a factor here, but how much can it explain what happened? And what does it mean for her and Mike, going forward?

Relevance/strength of sexual angle still underdeveloped, but it's there.

And there's...something else. Something bizarre. Something about the third party, I think. A stud, who happens to work with terminally ill children? Hits all of her weak spots at once—a perfect storm?

Yes, there's something else...I feel it, but I can't put my finger on it. Whatever it is, she hasn't told Mike about it yet. Is it part of the "explanation" she wants to offer? Or something she's trying to hide? If so, why?

At home that evening, Gayle found it difficult to maintain the firewall. As she'd mentioned to Jennifer, there were things about the case that didn't seem to make sense. The case had a hook in Gayle. No matter how hard she swam away from it, it kept reeling her back in.

She though some more about the vanity issue. It was funny in a way, because Jennifer seemed like a boring person. She'd even admitted it. She was nice, sure; maybe a good teacher—but basically unremarkable, except for her looks.

Perhaps that's why her attractiveness means a lot to her. It's how she's used to being validated? Take that away, and she lacks self-esteem?

But fuck, she is indeed pretty. And that body...

"Stop it!" she said to herself out loud.

Don't go there. You cannot go there.

Desperate for an escape, she went online. After a while, she forgot about the case—at least, consciously. But when she came across a lesbian story by a well-regarded author, she clicked on it without hesitation.

The story covered a familiar premise. It concerned an older woman introducing a reluctant but ultimately submissive younger woman to lesbian sex. The descriptions of the younger woman's thoughts and feelings were exquisite. And although Gayle usually reserved her orgasms for bedtime, she lost control and came very hard when—in the story—the younger woman first dipped her tongue into the older woman's pussy.

* * *

The Chanceys' second joint counseling session did not go as Dr. Seymour expected.

To her great surprise—and, manifestly, Jennifer's—Mike did not ask for a full account of Jennifer's affair. He only asked Jennifer to reconfirm a few things: That she'd never stopped loving him, that she hadn't intended to start an affair, that she'd only "gotten physical" with James that one night, and that it had stopped well short of sex—including "Monica Lewinsky sex."

After Jennifer affirmed those points, Mike took a deep breath and turned to Dr. Seymour.

"Let's move on," he said, "but here are my conditions: First, I reserve the right to ask more questions if I find out that Jennifer has told any lies of which I'm not already aware. Second, I'm not forgiving anything—at least not yet. Third, I'm not promising that if I do forgive her, that everything will then be fine."

Dr. Seymour turned to Jennifer.

"Jennifer, are you okay with this?"

Somewhat nervously, Jennifer agreed to Mike's conditions. Then, she proceeded to apologize for deceiving Mike, for not going straight home the night after Kevin died, and of course for "getting physical" with James. She offered explanations—mostly, having to do with her sister—but she conceded that they were not excuses or justifications.

"Mike, I'm so sorry. You have to believe me, though, that I didn't mislead you just for the sake of spending time with...him. It was to spend time with the kids. And that night when little Kevin died...it shook me up so bad, Mike. I was out of my mind, and James was with me and I just...I just lost it, Mike.

"But it was wrong, baby. I was stupid, I was weak, and I hurt you. I hope you'll forgive me, but I know it's a lot to ask. Right now...right now I just hope you'll believe me that I didn't mean to hurt you and that I am sorry. Not just sorry that you found out and got hurt; sorry that it happened at all."

It was an emotional address. When Jennifer was done, Mike seemed relieved, even appreciative—but ambivalent. He thanked Jennifer, genuinely, but there was no warm embrace, no tearful reconciliation. He stared at his hands, one and then the other, as if terrible words were written on them.

Jennifer winced. So did Dr. Seymour.

It still hurts too much. Belief, if it comes, will be a big step, but forgiveness will be an even bigger step. And after forgiveness—what? Love and intimacy, or just friendship and cooperation?

It's funny, all those stories I read about forgiveness, as if that's the only issue with reconciliation. Forgiveness and divorce are not mutually exclusive.

* * *

As the weeks went by, the Chanceys' case continued to intrigue Gayle. Increasingly, it was the one case she allowed herself to think about while at home. She told herself that it was okay; it was a special case, the one for which she'd been waiting.

She even brought the file home one night. Like all her files, it had a case number and the parties' names on the jacket. "Chancey, John Michael." "Chancey, Jennifer Charlotte."

J.C. and J.C. Make it three J.C.'s—add James Coltez, mystery man. Or maybe four J.C.'s...as in Jesus Christ, Gayle, you brought a file home with you?

Gayle realized that she was on a slippery slope. She promised herself she would not slide. But in fact, the "slope" was more like an escalator; even though her feet were planted firmly, she was being taken down.

* * * * *

On his right hand Billy'd tattooed the word "love" And on his left hand was the word "fear" And in which hand, he held his fate Was never clear

CHAPTER FIVE: Scenes from the Home Front

Weeks before the counseling started. Sunday—"Black Sunday"—long after dark:

Mike and Jennifer were downstairs, in the family room. The flickering images on the television and the glow through the doorway provided the only light. The television was muted; the only sounds in the room were those of Jennifer crying and Mike yelling.

"DID HE HURT YOU? DID HE RAPE YOU?"

Until this moment, Jennifer had anticipated that if Mike were to discover anything about her adventure with James, she would tell him about Peter's scheme and James' role in it, and Mike would forgive her. Just this day, in fact, Jennifer had assured herself that Mike would not be angry with her, that he would applaud her for standing up to those bastards, and that their marriage would quickly recover. However, in the face of Mike's blistering questions, Jennifer began to realize how wrong she'd been.

For one thing, Jennifer had never seen Mike as angry as he was now. His anger was raw, but there was calculation in it. She was terrified by the way he moved (no, prowled) around the room, by the growl in his voice, by the almost predatory look in his eyes.

In this moment, Jennifer realized with amazement but certainty that her husband Mike Chancey was capable of killing someone. Maybe her, though he hadn't laid a hand on her; on the contrary, he'd been keeping a distance between them. But James...Peter...one or both of them, Jennifer thought, could be injured or dead before the night was over.

Yet Mike wasn't a natural born fighter, much less a natural born killer. James was taller, stronger. Mike could take Peter in a fistfight, no doubt, but Jennifer did not put it past Peter to have a gun in the house.