Two Aliens Have Sex

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All characters and places are strictly fictional. Any resemblance to any sentient beings, living or dead, or to the thing that's been growing in your fridge for the last three weeks is purely coincidental.

To those who are interested, I wrote this story because I think the idea of aliens having sex would be a funny thing to watch. You might disagree. Anyway, a word of caution: for your own mental health, don't try to visualise this story. Enjoy! Or don't. Your choice.

* * * * *

Norgagle finished applying the fifty-third coat of paint to the bungalow. He stepped back and, resting on four of his seven lower tentacles, he opened his third eye to admire his handiwork. After an hour's worth of consideration, Norgagle bobbed his bloated head up and down in satisfaction. There would be no need for a fifty-fourth coat of paint.

Norgagle turned his eyes to the sky. It was a beautiful day, not too far past the summer solstice. Norgagle lived on the planet Lorgan (which translates as "dirt" in Earth-speak), the fourth celestial body revolving around the Sun. The kash plants were thick with flowers and--thank Bloshkart--the quickle beads weren't biting for once. However, they were still pests: they had a nasty tendency to land on the wet paint and ruining, just ruining the fine, even coat.

Norgagle made his way along a little stone path, his lower tentacles moving him forwards in a stop-go motion. His heavy-set, almost jelly-like body swayed precariously from side to side. Norgagle drifted onto the crisply cut lawn and gave a gurgle of pleasure as his soft tentacles slid through the grass. Norgagle liked grass. Grass just kind of stood there. Grass didn't have to live with the horrible possibility that their spouse would want to nargulate. Norgagle shuddered at the mere thought, causing his skin to move in seven different directions. As far as he was concerned, the world would be a better place if babies were grown in vats. That would leave Norgagle all the time in the world to contemplate grass.

But Norgagle was of the zulpan species (known galaxy wide for the mousse splaté), and when zulpan females wanted to nargulate there was no getting out of it. Bloshkart, but they had a sex drive! Zulpan females had erratic, powerful periods of sexual impulse. In the normal course of things the male zulpan would ejaculate a few fertilised eggs into the female. The eggs would then float up the inner polkeit stunk, through the bilbac tubes and into one of the three incubal chambers. The eggs would only "take" if two special hormones happened to mix and changed the females receptiveness from, to put it simply, "no" to "yes."

But pregnancy in all three chambers would offer no respite for the zulpan male. No sir! Females sustained desire until one of the eggs had matured for fourteen months. Then the impulses stopped, but only until birth some three weeks later, unless another egg had matured for the appropriate interval.

Oh, but nargulation was a tricky bit of business! F'r instance, Norgagle always forgot whether his inferior trunkle waggle entered the female's lower polkeit stunk before or after the superior dabernackle was stimulated until it turned red. Norgagle flapped his left ear in displeasure. He hated the dread ritual. Already he had lost count how many times in the last 152.26 hours his spouse, Jijoje, had forced him to nargulate. ~~I'm Not A Machine!~~ he'd yell at her, as if anything could possibly blunt her appetite for sadistic pleasures.

In an effort to take his mind from such distressing thoughts, Norgagle turned his eyes to the bright blue sky. The stars, of course, weren't visible at the moment. But if there was one thing Norgagle liked more that watching paint dry and walking in the grass, it was staring up at the stars. Stars were nice. They just kind of existed. They didn't force anyone to--

But when he could see the stars, Norgagle would sit on his massive buttocks and wonder at the life those stars supported. Such as the fishashel, known for their bean dip, of the planet Lom (which translates as "dirt"). The fishashel were lucky in that they nargulated (though they called it "bablumbing") in 3.4 seconds, every time, and only a handful of times a year. Or the weezocks, known for the way they make those adorable throw pillows, of the planet Wezzle (which translates as "dirt") who, on occasion and only by mutual agreement, spent between 4 and 6 weeks in the act of "stuffing their plumbing." The part about "mutual agreement" was what stimulated Norgagle's senses. He damn well knew what he'd agree to!

At the other end of the spectrum was another known species, the humans of Terra. (Oddly enough, all home planets of all intelligent or, in the case of humans and gwastcarks, semi-intelligent beings translate as "dirt," except for of course the Gooz of Goozzle, an aquatic species that named their planet for water.) The humans always seemed to be in the process of "copulating," as they termed the dread act; male and female, female and female, dog and female; over, under, sideways; alone, in pairs or in multiples of three...it boggled the mind.

Norgagle shook his head sadly. Every species in the galaxy was known for something or other, and in the humans' case it was jokes. But they weren't even good jokes. They told jokes like: what's white a goes up? A stupid snowflake. Or: why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words. Or, horrors of horrors: Did you hear 'bout what fellow that had to give up tap dancing? He kept falling in the sink. They were nothing like good zulpan jokes, like: why did the geezelbonk throw his washcloth into three metres of mud? Because the allomuscar couldn't swallow it anyway. Norgagle chuckled at his favourite joke. It--

Suddenly, Norgagle caught a familiar stench floating along the breeze. He strained his blunt nose, filling his five nostrils with the scent. A shudder swept and swept through his body. Wifey-poo was coming.

Norgagle sighed. He couldn't run. Even at the break-neck speed of 4 km/h there would be no escape: Jijoje had a slingshot. Norgagle settled his bulk and awaited the inevitable, all the while staring glumly at the grass.

Jijoje waddled into view. She lifted her fifth upper tentacle and waved at him. She shuffled up the stone path, snittling a greeting to her spouse.

Norgagle snittled back, adding, ~~You Don't Suppose You Would Like To Contemplate Grass With Me, Would You?~~ It was almost too much to hope.

Jijoje's massive amounts of flesh shook, her left ear flapping furiously. Norgagle's skin turned bright green at being laughed at. Embarrassed, he honked. Jijoje shook her right ear in exasperation. She exclaimed, ~~You Would Think From Your Behaviour That You Didn't Like Nargulation!~~ The she waddled up close and rubbed her extended trifling rod against Norgagle's hidden left gargantuan triode, fondling his visible right gargantuan triode with three upper tentacles. Norgagle sighed again. No getting out of it.

Jijoje waddled down the stone path towards the bungalow. Norgagle followed in a sulk. The pair entered the front door. Inside, the floor was covered with a lush carpet. Norgagle had bought it because it looked and felt like grass, despite being quite purple. The walls of the foyer were painted bright orange, and had been so for the past month and a half. A doorway immediately to the right led to the bathroom (a complex bit of machinery that we won't discuss; the mathematics are difficult). Norgagle followed Jijoje down the short hallway and into the (shudder) sleeping chamber. Inside, the chamber was roughly circular (pi having been rounded off somewhat during construction), and relatively small. The carpet here was blue, the walls yellow with red stripes. The unique furnishing was the bed-thing. It was 1.5 metres long, two wide, 12 cm thick and hovered a good 35 cm off the floor.

Jijoje waddled over to the bed and threw herself upon it, causing it to change altitude briefly. Her flesh turned pink, her eyes wide with her best come-hither look, her left iokid tube emitting a powerful stench. Norgagle hated it when she did that. The smell alone forced him to mate with her.

The stench invaded Norgagle's nostrils. From there it travelled through the nasal cavity and diffused first through the rear nasal membrane then into the Rather Large Neck Artery. From there, the blood flow brought it into the brain. The smell--it resembled the stench of mouldy garbage--caused a set of hormones to be released by his hypotenuse, which in turned affected his sex glands. Norgagle's gargantuan triodes, left and right, started inflating. His flesh turned green and purple. Resigned to his fate and spurred on by biology, Norgagle reached for Jijoje with all his upper tentacles.

~~Ooooooooooooooooooooh!~~ Jijoje moaned as he encircled her body. She wrapped her own upper tentacles around him and pulled him closer. Norgagle's body fell heavily against her own, their massive amounts of flesh affording a great deal of contact. Jijoje opened her mouth wide and rolled out her tongue. Norgagle responded by opening his own maw and wrapping his long, wet tongue around hers, in the process exchanging amino acids. Pores strewn erratically across Jijoje's hot body started producing thick mucus; a few seconds later, so did Norgagle. His inflated gargantuan triodes waved in the air, full of blood and sensitive to touch.

~~Mm, Yes, Use Your Triodes Baby!~~ cried Jijoje. Her torsal tendrils stood upright, excited and dancing freely.

Norgagle slipped his tentacles around her body, dragging them through her tendrils and around to her chest. She lapped at his skin, scooping up a mouthful of his mucus with the bowl of her tongue. ~~Mmm!~~ she moaned, relishing the sour taste. With his triodes, Norgagle coaxed her inferior and superior left dabernackles from their hoods. Jijoje gasped and slurped up another portion of mucus, which was turning progressively more saline as his inner sub-cardiac lottal glands cause his pores to produce the excretions that would help to activate the mucus membranes coating Jijoje's two empty incubal chambers.

~~Oh! Oh! Oh, Yes! That's So Good!~~ cried Jijoje. She sniffed Norgagle's skin, and licked him once more. Yes, the excretions were definitely starting up. Both of Jijoje's hearts pounded and her skin was tingling with excitement, as if electricity was dancing over her body (she had once been hit by lightning, so she knew what it felt like). ~~Mmm, Oh Yes! Touch My Dabernackles, Baby!~~ she exclaimed, panting hard. ~~Oh, I'm So Turned On!~~

Norgagle, for his part, wasn't paying much attention to what Jijoje was saying, In fact, he wasn't paying much attention to anything at all; he preferred not to think whilst nargulating.

Jijoje was letting breaths out in great gasping loads. She was breathing so hard that strands of mucus flew from her body and dribbled onto her surventricular breast muscle. Norgagle shuddered, but did what was expected of him and licked up the mucus.

Jijoje moaned at this enormous turn-on. ~~Oh My Oh Yes, My Darling Norgie! My Dabernackle Is Swollen And Red And Sticky! Oh, Nargulate Me With Your Divinely Extended Genital-Thing! Hard! Oooh, Yess!~~ she exclaimed lewdly.

Underneath Norgagle's ample belly a long rod of flesh hardened and slid from its sheath. The divinely extended genital-thing, as the females called it, was also better known as the inferior trunkle waggle (the superior trunkle waggle having fallen off naturally sometime before Norgagle's fifth birthday). Green and glistening, Norgagle rubbed it up against Jijoje's stomach--an enormous turn--on for her. ~~Oh, That's It Baby!~~ Jijoje yelled. Her body shook and her ears flapped erratically. Her dabernackles were pulsating with desire. ~~What Are You Waiting For?~~ she demanded. ~~DO ME!~~

Norgagle did her. Carefully guided by two of her upper tentacles, his inferior trunkle waggle (hot and hard) found its way to her lower polkeit stunk and slid inside with a loud "squishy" noise. Strands of mucus trailed out of her stunk and ran down her fifth lower tentacle.

~~Ooo, You've Got Such A Big Hard Divinely Extended Genital-Thing!~~ Jijoje yelled crudely. ~~Oh, Norgie, You're Making Me Feel So Very Good! Bloshkart, This Feels Sooooo Good! Norgie--Nar--Gu--Late--Me!~~ Norgagle proceeded to do so. The pair nargulated rapidly, panting and moaning (well, Jijoje moaned), rushing irreversibly towards release. Jijoje's body shook and rolled as Norgagle thrust up inside her. A thrust, a thrust, a thrust-thrust-thrust and--

Jijoje hooted. Her three simultaneous orgasms set her flesh to quaking as if she were caught in an earthquake. At the same time, Norgagle came, and with a sigh of utter relief he released a large quantity of gooey mass (composition: one fertilised egg, water, amino acids and sugar; mixed well and served up hot) into her lower polkeit stunk. The mixture subsequently passed into her upper, inner polkeit stunk. Norgagle fervently hoped that the egg would find its way to an incubal chamber, as it would mean a few weeks without nargulation several months down the line. Think of the time he could use to contemplate grass and watch paint dry! He'd really be living then! Yahoo!

Now that they were done, Norgagle lifted his bulk off her large body and without further ado he waddled from the sleeping chamber. There was nothing more to say and, in any case, Norgagle didn't want to say what didn't need to be said. Which was nothing.

When outside, Norgagle paused and stared most carefully at the bungalow. Now that the sun had moved, he realised that the bungalow could probably use another coat of paint or ten. Norgagle rubbed together six of his upper tentacles in gleeful anticipation. Painting was fun.

--The end, thank Bloshkart--

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