Valentine’s Day Card - Another View

Tears streamed down her face "GOD NO ALEX. I only love you. I thought that if I could spend some extended time with him this Saturday, I could give him hope and the understanding that someday he could find someone. That all women aren't shrews or after his money. That he has value as a person, as a man... I was thinking a walk in the park, visiting a museum and if it meant my being intimate with him, I'd be willing to do that to save his life. He probably wouldn't go along with it if I did offer..." She winced at what she had just said.

"Alex, you need to know John has never been anything but a perfect gentleman to me. He has never tried to kiss me or touch me. He is always polite. He open's doors and holds a chair, but he does that for any woman."

Again silence. I was to hurt to speak.

"Yesterday, I bought him a little stuffed teddy bear for Valentine's Day and I left it on his desk. When I came back later, he was sobbing. He is hurting so very much."

Sheri waited for my response. After a long silence she said "I can't do this without you. If you tell me not to go, I won't go. My marriage, our marriage...I won't destroy it. It's selfish of me to put my love over John's life but I can't do that."

Chapter Four - I fight back

"Sheri, you explained your thoughts to me, let me have a few uninterrupted minutes to explain mine to you." I was angry but that anger was completely displaced by my anguish. I was determined not to raise my voice. I needed, for my own sake if nothing else, to convey my thoughts and my fears as rationally and calmly as possible.

"You asked me to give you a decision, for me to decide if you should go to John or not. No." I emphasized the word "No", not shouting but in a slightly louder and much firmer voice. "This is not MY decision, it's YOURS. I could NEVER send you to another man's bed, EVEN IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. I emphasized "never" and "even if my life depended on it" saying each word of the last part very slowly, stressing each individual word, so it left no doubt. "NO. The card gave YOU a choice."

I could see the pain in her face.

"And understand, the card was not unconditional. It was for one time only. I know you understand that. But it was also conditional on me not knowing the details or circumstances. If anything, it was to assuage your guilt IF it ever happened."

"Now I do know the details and it hurts like hell, more than I can express in words. If I were a lawyer, I'd argue that you didn't uphold all of the conditions of the card; you told me your intentions, the person you intend to have sex with, and even what day it's going to occur. Now I can never 'not know' what happened. A lawyer would argue that by not abiding to ALL the conditions, the 'get out of jail free' offer would now be null and void. But I am not a lawyer, I'm the man who loves you more than life itself. I made you a promise, a STUPID, STUPID, IMBECILIC, MORONIC promise; but, a promise nonetheless. If I tell you not to go, you will always wonder, consciously or subconsciously, if my promises or even my love mean anything. And although I love you more than I can say, I CANNOT and WILL NOT absolve you of YOUR responsibility to make this decision."

I continued "Having you as my wife gave me courage. Whatever life threw at me, I knew I could take because I had your love, your faith in me. I knew that I could always count on you. We gave ourselves each to the other and that nothing but death would separate us. I trusted that whatever happened in life, you would be beside me forsaking all others. That you wanted me and me alone. That gave me life and confidence and joy. With you I was invincible. I thought better of myself than I ever did before. The little self-doubts I had were gone. Why? Because I won the love of the most beautiful and wonderful girl that God ever created or could ever hope to create. USE YOUR FUCKING CARD, I don't think you could hurt me any more than you already have."

She was crying now, beginning to realize the extent of my anguish. She started to speak, but I told her it was my turn now.

"And why sex? Aren't caring, kindness, and the compassion of a friend enough? "What really disturbs me were your words "He probably won't even go along". Come on Sheri, you're not stupid. You know you're an exceptionally beautiful woman and no heterosexual man with a pulse would say "no". Unless, of course, that man is a decent man with moral reservations about FUCKING ANOTHER MAN'S WIFE. And you have just the thing to quell those reservations - your 'get out of jail free' card. And "go along" with what? It sounds like you have already planned this with sex as your goal. You haven't been talking about building either morale or his faith in women, you have been talking about having sex with him."

Her expression turned to horror with her eyes wide open. I didn't know if it was from seeing my anguish or if I had hit on the truth. Again, she tried to speak. Again, I told her it was my turn.

"And how will you explain that you have a 'get out of jail free' card from your husband? Will you tell him that the card was offered in a moment of desperation because I didn't think I could live without you and wanted you to marry me and wanted desperately to show you my love was absolute? Are you going to be truthful and tell him that when you told me that you wanted to use the card; it was like plunging a knife in my heart and that the fact you did it on Valentine's Day, OUR SPECIAL DAY, was like twisting that knife? Are you going to tell him how and why Valentine's Day is so important? And, if John goes through with it, could he live with himself knowing that he completely destroyed another man's happiness?"

Now she was sobbing and on her knees in front of me with her face in her hands. God, I wanted to pick her up, hold her, comfort her. I put my hand under her chin and lifted her face toward mine.

"I have no doubt that no physical relations have occurred between you and John, YET. But now I will always have a lingering question in my mind about your feelings for him, I will ALWAYS wonder if you are in love with him. That thought will haunt me for the rest of my life."

She looked beaten and as I looked into her eyes, I felt like I was looking into the eyes of a helpless kitten that I was strangling with my bare hands. But she had to know, not just now but forever what using her card would mean. Sheri is a good and kind person with unlimited love and compassion but she had hurt me more than once. This was not revenge or a desire to hurt her. I loved her with all my heart, but she had to understand. I didn't think I could survive being hurt again.

I continued, "John's troubles didn't appear overnight and he could have used many 'sounding boards' not just you. Why didn't you ask me to take some time so that you and I could be with him. Sometimes it's much easier for a man to unburden himself to a male friend. And what about convincing him to seek therapy, you have tremendous influence with him? What about antidepressants? When I look at the whole of what you have told me, I wonder if you wanted to keep him to yourself, that you had an attraction, conscious or subconscious, and you wanted to act on it."

She shook her head 'no' becoming more and more animated and kept saying "no, no... please you can't think that... oh my God, what have I done?"

"And what about pregnancy? Unlikely but not impossible." I noticed a wince from Sheri that would have been imperceptible to anyone else. "Oh my God, YOU WEREN'T GOING TO USE CONDOMS, WERE YOU?" Sheri's eyes opened wider, her mouth opened and the slight gasp that followed gave me the answer I didn't want.

After internalizing that immeasurable hurt, I pressed on, "What if he falls in love with you? Hell, how could he not help but fall in love with you? You are incredibly beautiful, intelligent, and compassionate. He is vulnerable and after the ultimate intimacy of making love to you, what's left for him? You and I both know sex represents a deep emotional connection. You would be sharing an intimacy that is only supposed to be shared between lovers. Neither you nor he would regard this as a 'one time diversion' or an emotionless fun fuck. YOU DON'T FUCK, YOU DON'T HAVE IT IN YOU TO BE A TRAMP. YOU MAKE LOVE. He would be making love to you and you to him. God, IT HURTS ME SO MUCH that you want to make love to him."

"What about when he leaves for Afghanistan? How can he function in a war zone knowing he loves another man's wife? In my mind, there is no way he could avoid falling in love with you, if he isn't already. How will he feel every day knowing that to have the woman he loves he would have to destroy another man's life? He knows me, I regard him as a friend and I am sure he feels the same. And if he is the decent man I think he is, he wouldn't break up a marriage, especially the marriage of a friend. So that leaves him without you and with yet another hurt to the unimaginable pain he has already suffered."

I didn't let up "Some of your words are confusing to me. You said that you wouldn't destroy our marriage to save him and that was selfish of you."

"First, why do you think it's selfish of you to choose to save our marriage? To me our marriage and more specifically, you, are worth any price I would have to pay. I think you know that I would give my life for you if necessary. Am I a heartless unfeeling bastard because I don't want to share you with anyone else? I don't own you and I have never treated you as though I did. I don't look at you like a trophy or a possession. And I'm not a petulant child upset that someone else wants to play with his toy."

"When we make love, it transcends every joy that I have ever known, it gives me life - how can you want to give that to someone else? In marrying me I thought that you had decided to share that intimacy with me and me alone. I was never so honored or humbled as when you said 'yes' to me."

"Secondly, you talk about 'saving him'. Sheri, war is hell, thousands of men leave for war, and a great many of them have loving wives and children waiting at home. And many of those good men never return. Having sex with him will not shield him from a sniper's bullet or a suicide bomber. And anguish over betraying a friend's marriage and of not being able to have you will certainly not save him from suicide."

"I am sorry for John; he is a good man who has had more hurt than anyone should experience in a hundred lifetimes. My hope is that as an officer with men under his command, his concern for their well-being will force him to concentrate on keeping them and himself alive. He knows his first duty is to them, to keep them safe and get them back home. I know that he is going through hell now and I hope and pray that he will emerge from it. But I know if you go through with this, I WILL BE IN HELL FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE."

"Yes, John could die. Men in war die. While John runs the risk of dying, if you go through with this, I WILL CERTAINLY DIE. Maybe not physically, but inside I will be as good as dead and my death won't be as quick and merciful as one from a bomb or a bullet."

She was weeping now and she said "Oh God..." I said "I'm not finished."

"You have your 'get out of jail free' card and you can use it. As I said, it's YOUR choice, but you should know that I gave you that card in a moment of anguish. I was so desperately in love with you I would have agreed to almost anything. I cannot forgive myself for that because that promise evidently pushed you into a marriage that you apparently did not want and for which you were not ready. I now believe that you married me not so much from love but out of the guilt of having hurt me when you first turned me down. I even question if we should continue to be married. I love you too much to keep you trapped in a marriage you have come to regret. I can't imagine life without you but maybe for your sake, I may have to."

Through her sobbing she managed "No! Alex! Please! I love you and only you. I hurt you once before and I am so afraid I have destroyed you..." I stopped her again saying "Please let me finish."

"Just the suggestion of using your card has hurt me more than anything else in my life. I have tried so hard these last seven years to prove to you that you made the right choice. Yes, I know that you deserve someone a thousand times better than me but, in my defense, no one could love you more or be more willing to sacrifice anything for your happiness than me. And, now after seven years and on the one day that I set aside each year to show you how very, very much you mean to me - now you announce that you want to use your card. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?"

"Go to him or not, YOUR CHOICE. But understand that if you use your card, we will never be the same. Honestly, I don't know that we can ever be the same now that you told me you want to use your GOD-DAMNED FUCKING SHIT CARD. I will never forget that you not only contemplated giving yourself to someone else but that you actually planned it out. If you think I am selfish, cruel, irrational, egotistical, self-centered, GO AHEAD. If you think I'm putting my needs and desires above John's life, there is nothing more I can say."

"I have to leave for a few days. I am too hurt and angry to be here or discuss this any further. Today is Thursday, tomorrow I have to work. I'll be at a hotel starting tonight and I'll be back late Sunday afternoon. That gives you all of Saturday, including the Saturday night you asked for."

Still on her knees she pleaded "Don't go, please don't shut me out, please stay. I only love you and have never loved anyone but you. I won't go to him. I won't see him. I won't leave you, please Alex. Please forgive me. Forgive me Alex... forgive me... Can't we pretend this never happened? God... oh God... don't go... I won't go to him... I swear, please don't leave... Please!!!! Please!!!! I'll burn the damn card, I don't want it... I just want you..."

"Sheri, I need to go away for a few days. I love you with every fiber of my being. I will be back but I need time alone. I don't want to hurt you but I need time alone. And you need time to think about all we have discussed."

I packed a bag and left for a hotel in the next city. I did not tell Sheri which one. I turned off my cell phone. This was going to be the longest and hardest few days of my life. She said she wouldn't go to him. I didn't think she would. But at that point, I didn't know that for certain. In the cold light of morning, she would have to think of we said to each other. She would have to ask herself those hard questions that I had asked her.

Part 5 - The Hotel

Thursday night, when I arrived, the hotel was practically full. A medical group had most of the rooms, some symposium on 'Practice guidelines for the treatment of patients with major depressive disorders'. There was also a wedding, God how depressing, I really didn't want to be reminded. There were also the usual business travelers, more than a few of whom were actively looking for 'companionship' and some had clearly consumed enough alcohol to reduce both their inhibitions and their standards.

I threw my suitcase in my room and went to the bar. I was tired of getting drunk every time Sheri hurt me and I had to work tomorrow, but I could use a drink or two to calm me down.

I had been sitting at the crowded bar surrounded by a bunch of drunks and near-drunks for almost an hour when an attractive well-dressed woman, a few years older than myself tapped me on the shoulder. She asked if I was ok. I said "Not really" and she asked if I wanted to talk. It was noisy but I heard her say she needed some help herself.

She spoke, "I hope I'm not imposing but you appear to be in real distress. I'm a psychiatrist here with the symposium. You look like you could use someone to talk to and I could really use a man at my table to 'keep the wolves away'. My friends from the symposium were tired of eating here at the hotel and went out. I was too tired to join them, so I'm alone. Just so there is no misunderstanding, I am very happily married and I only need someone to sit at my table so that I can have a pleasant dinner without being 'hit on' every five minutes. And you look very depressed, perhaps it would help you to talk. I'm Dr. Cynthia Gray."

She had a very kind face, so I said "I'm Alex and yes, that sounds nice." We made our way to the table she had reserved and both ordered dinner. We couldn't help but notice a group of well-dressed middle-aged women, obviously tipsy, who were discussing how they would cover for each other when each found a partner to share their bed that evening. Their wedding rings were quite obvious.

Cynthia gave a sigh of resignation saying "I treat so many women for deep depression who start out going to bars or dancing to pick up men because they want to feel that they are still attractive. Most of them tell me that they love their husbands, and that their husbands are attentive and tell them that they are beautiful. But they don't believe it because it's their husband saying it. So, they go on a 'girl's night out' so strangers can complement them and make them feel attractive and desired."

She paused then continued "I have crushed so many illusions when I tell them that a man looking for sex with a couple of drinks under his belt would chase a morbidly obese woman with leprosy and tell her she was the most beautiful creature to have ever walked the earth in order to have sex. These men have a goal and for them the woman is simply a horizontal convenience. For the women I see as patients, the humiliation and guilt the morning after are all consuming. It's so sad because most of these women actually love their husbands and believe that their husbands adore them, but for some reason it's just not enough."

I asked her "I understand about people who choose to cheat and feel no remorse, but what about others? Is there a 'seven-year itch'?"

Cynthia with a light laugh replied "The Seven-Year Itch is a great movie. My husband and I both love it. I don't mean to make light of it, studies show that the chances of divorce are about 40 percent for first marriages, with most of those marriages ending at the seven- or eight-year mark. At some point one or both parties in a marriage may experience a level of dissatisfaction or boredom with their long-term relationship. Psychologically, it's considered normal to fall into a slump after being with the same person for a while. The destructive potential occurs when people are unsure of what is causing the dissatisfaction or boredom and don't address the problem. And please understand, it doesn't mean that it will inevitably happen in every marriage. How long have you and your wife been together?"

I answered "Seven years."

With a deep sigh, she reached for her white wine looked at me and asked "So......?"

I then told her my story. I bared my soul and told her everything: Sheri's initial reluctance to marry me; the stupid, stupid card; our seven happy years together and our incredible love life; why I tried every Valentine's Day to show her she made the right choice; our very happy marriage until today; her wanting to use her card; her explanation why; my response; and my inconsolable sadness that Sheri wanted to make love to another man.

After about 20 minutes, I stopped talking; letting this out was cathartic. I felt like the block of cement that had weighed on my chest was gone. I looked at Cynthia. She hadn't drunk any more wine since I started talking; she sat there with her mouth half open with a look somewhere between shock and pity. That look was certainly appropriate.

She placed her wine on the table and said "I can't give a proper therapeutic session in a restaurant but we can talk and I can give you my perspectives as a woman and wife which I couldn't do in a therapy session. I can assure you of complete confidentiality in everything you say to me. I can't diagnose your wife without speaking with her, so my insights into what she may be thinking are limited."