Virtual Lapdance

Welcome to Nudie Chat 101. Pull up a seat and take notes, because there will be a test later, and it won't be me administering it. The virtual bouncers, the models, and the other chatters in the room are the ones who will stamp you with a pass or fail, and they're a tough crowd to please.

I'm going to assume that you have an interest in watching beautiful women (or gorgeous guys, as most of this applies for the opposite side of the coin as well) doing their best to drive you out of your mind with lust from across miles of internet wiring. I'm also hoping that I don't make an ass out of U and Me by assuming that you're looking for more than visual stimulation. If all you wanted was virtual nakedness or sex, you could get that from any pic or video site.

There are more business models for nudie chat than there are sexual positions, but I'm going to stick with the most common in this course — free teaser chats with more behind the curtain if you pay to play. There are variations on this theme as well, but the basics here should allow you to easily adjust.

Who the hell am I to be instructing you? I'm someone who's been there, from a lot of different angles. I started out as a chatter, hanging out in the room just like anyone else. After a while, I was tapped by the site management for a position as an admin — a virtual bouncer to remove problem chatters. That gave me the opportunity to talk to the models 'offstage' where they could relax, and the management of the chat site. I talked to one of those models a lot more than the others, and we ended up moving in together. I know first hand what those models are saying about you once they turn the cam off.

It doesn't necessarily make me an expert, but I do have insight from almost every perspective, so I believe I have something to offer. I'm the old man rocking on the porch. I may be a bit crotchety at times, but if you can get past my tales of walking ten miles through the snow to get to chat, there's some hard-won wisdom in the stories I have to tell you whippersnappers.

(I.) Recon

There are two things you'll want to do when you first step into the nudie chat world, and you can fortunately do them both at the same time. Just as there are umpteen business models for chats, there are just as many types of models. Your first quest is to find a model that you want to hang around with.

My first lesson is to keep your fingers away from the keyboard during this reconnaissance mission. Pay attention to who the models are talking to. Naturally, they'll be talking to known paying customers and people they think might become such, but that's not all. You'll learn who the regulars in the room are, and these are people you don't want to cross verbal swords with. If you take a stab at a regular, you'll find a dozen blades in your back before you can say, "Oops!" This is the quickest way to find your name blackballed across the site.

You should also pay attention to who these regulars and the model are shunning or telling to go away. Odds are that you'll discover why in short order, and those behaviors are the things you want to avoid.

I'm sure you'll find hotties within a couple of minutes of logging on to chat. Concentrating on eye candy is going to leave you bored and moving on in short order, though. Imagine a mad scientist crossing a telemarketer with a Barbie Doll and you have a perfect picture of these girls. Don't waste time in these rooms, because there are much greener pastures. Find a girl that's actually engaging in conversation with the room.

You'll find every type of personality under the sun posing in front of the camera for your viewing pleasure. The key is finding one that has more going for her than a nice rack and a smoking caboose. The chatters in the room are a good indicator of whether you're going to click with the model or not. If you take a liking to someone else chatting in the room, then odds are that you share some interests with that person, as well as the model.

Once you've found a room or three where the conversation stimulates your brain and the model stimulates other, more interesting places, it's time to take off the camouflage and start chatting.

(II.) My Name Is:

Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

You need a chat handle if you want anyone to notice you. Trying to respond to guest432 is a pain for everyone, and they're liable to ignore you rather than bother.

You need to come up with something that you'll be happy with for a long time to come, so give this decision some careful consideration. Naturally, you'll want to avoid any version of your real name that could possibly lead anyone to the real you. Beyond that, you want something that stands out and is original. It's helpful to come up with a name that can be shortened, because chat moves fast, and everyone wants to use the minimum amount of keystrokes necessary to get a message out.

If you don't want every chatter in the room and the model to snicker behind your back — or to you face — here are some things to avoid: 10in4U, HugeJohnson, MobyDick, TungMaster, BigDick, etc. I'm sure you get the picture. Touting your lovemaking skills or the size of Mr. Happy in your chat handle isn't going to impress anyone. Everyone knows that the internet adds inches and cup sizes to every measurement, and they're just as likely to call you Inchworm if you choose MonsterDong as your chat handle.

You also want to make sure that you don't encroach on a regular chatter's name. If someone named Darken is chatting on your chosen site regularly, avoid anything that begins with Dark. This goes back to the nickname for your nickname. When there are two Darks in the room, everyone gets confused. Just like Highlander, there can be only one, and you're liable to spark a verbal battle to the death by filching someone else's handle.

First impressions are as important in chat as in real life, and your chat handle is one of your first impressions in nudie chat. Think long and hard before you put on that name tag and walk in the room.

(III.) You're In My House

In free chat, the model is the one in control of the room. She's there to drum up business for her private shows, and thus to entertain the room, but what she says goes. The model is working under several sets of rules, from the federal level on down to personal likes and dislikes. If you get into a battle of wills with the model, you will lose.

Don't get wrapped up in conversations with other chatters and leave the model out of it. Everything going on in the room should be about her, in one way or another. Your job in free chat is to keep her awake and smiling. Your reward is the same.

Don't start chatting up some other woman in the room and having cyber-sex with her. First off, it's probably a guy.

(Pause for cringing)

Second, that's extremely rude to the model. It's her house, so don't be sneaking off into the corner to shag somebody else at the party.

(IV.) Buyers Never Beg, And Beggars Never Buy

One of the first things you'll probably see in chat is someone typing something like, "shw me ur tits bb!"

Don't do this.

Imagine you've just won the lottery and that you're trapped in a small room with every deadbeat relative, friend, or neighbor you waved at once in passing. That's how the model feels when dealing with a room full of people acting like this.

Let the model work the room at her own pace. If she's not showing off, she's probably not going to be around long. If you're patient and join in the chat, you'll probably see whatever you're tempted to beg for soon enough. The more people there are in the room screaming for T&A, the less likely she is to want to give those peeks.

The only time you should make a request is when the model is asking for requests. One single beg can offset hours of pleasant chatting in a model's mind.

Keep in mind that she has to save something for the private shows. If she's fully naked and close-up finger-banging in free chat, why would anyone bother to purchase private minutes?

(V.) No Polishing The Sword In Free Chat

Spanking the monkey, wrestling with cyclops — whatever you want to call it — is a no-no in free chat. No matter what other motivations the model has to be on cam, the money is certainly a factor. Most models aren't making any money unless they get a private show, so rubbing one out in free chat is more or less shoplifting — not to mention rude.

If you must, don't announce it to the chat. The rest of the room certainly doesn't want that image in their head, and the model isn't likely to be overjoyed about it, at best.

(VI.) Tell Her About It

It should go without saying, but compliment the model. What sort of compliments she likes may vary, but every model wants to know that you think they're beautiful/hot/sexy. There's a reason you're staring at that video and tingling in critical locations, so let her know. You don't want to go overboard with it, but you don't want to go without mentioning it either.

Some models will swoon when you wax poetic, while others are just as happy with, "You have awesome tits!" It's up to you to find out what makes her purr, and then stroke her. (Not IT — see number five)

(VII.) Charge!

No, this has nothing to do with your credit card. If some rude person comes into chat and gets on the model's nerves, it's time for you to take to horse, grab your lance, and ride into battle. Don't wait for the rest of the room to suit up, get on that steed and skewer the miscreant as soon as possible.

Sometimes the villain may not realize that they're annoying the model. In this case, politely pointing it out may be enough to do the trick. Don't use a broadsword when a smack on the knuckles with a ruler will suffice. Unfortunately, this is the exception, rather than the rule.

When someone is purposely insulting the model or doggedly begging in an extremely rude manner, your job is to redirect their attention to you. Once they've forgotten about the model to hurl badly spelled insults at you, you've already won the battle. If you can't think of anything better, just tell them to go away. It's better to be creative and funny, if you have it in you.

"Did your mother feed you a steady diet of lead paint chips as a child?"

"Help control the drooling moron population. Have your (Rude Person's Name) spayed or neutered."

This is your opportunity to channel all those frustrations with idiots you encounter in the real world into something positive. Not only do you get to verbally smack around some stain on the underpants of society, but a beautiful half-naked woman just might swoon for you in the process.

As with everything else, gauge your response by what the model is comfortable with. She might end up laughing so hard that she has to run off cam to tinkle when you're verbally cutting someone to ribbons. Others would prefer you not go so far. Some may even want to rely on silent justice in the form of kicking the user from chat.

They all want to know that you think enough of them to feel annoyed by someone when they are.

(VIII.) Rescue Rangers

If you happen to have some spare cash lying around, the ultimate way to rescue a model from a hostile chatter or a hostile room is to take her private. Keep in mind that private minutes are expensive, and you can't let your chivalry get in the way of paying your bills.

Taking a model into a private show, even for as little as five minutes or less, has multiple advantages. First, whatever miscreants were in the room will almost all find somewhere else to go immediately. Second, the model is getting a paid break from the zoo that is free chat. Finally, the model is there to serve you in a private show. If you've been itching for a close-up or something special, now is the time to ask for it.

If you're only going to do a short rescue show, let her know that from the beginning. Not only will she appreciate the break, but she also won't be surprised or disappointed by the short private show.

(IX.) A Little Private Time

If you decide to take the model into a private show, here are a few pointers to get the most out of those expensive minutes.

First and foremost, never let any variation of these words pass your lips. "Show me (whatever) and I'll get a show." Even if you're serious, no model is going to believe you. They hear that more times a day than you can count, and 99.9% of the people saying it are lying through their teeth.

You should be paying attention while you're chatting, and you'll learn a lot about what the model can/can't or will/won't do in a private show. People are constantly asking questions of that nature, and you can compile a list in your head within a short period of time. Every chat site has its own rules. Individual studios within those sites will have other rules. The model may have personal things she doesn't like to do. Laws and ordinances put other restrictions on what a model can do, even in a private connection.

If you have a special request and nobody else has asked the question, you should before you go private. Don't go crazy with this, because that will get on the model's nerves. Too many people sound as if they are interviewing the model for an unauthorized biography.

You can count on her being completely naked in a private show. You can count on close-ups, masturbation, etc. You may need to ask if you want to see anal, pantyhose, baby oil, or something of that nature. Make sure that they have what you want, and that they're willing.

Don't ask for outfit changes before the show starts. People do this all the time, and most don't ever go private. The model ends up changing out of what she wanted to wear, and then the show never materializes. Unless you have a history of coming through with the private show, just don't request it.

Tell the model that you're about to take her private. She may take it with a grain of salt the first time, because she hears that all day, but if she's about to go on break or something, that gives her the opportunity to tell you.

Once you're in the show, be polite. Ask — don't demand. If your kink is power-play, then let her know that as soon as the show starts. If you just storm into a private show saying, "Get those panties off and bend over, bitch," then she's not likely to react well. If you tell her in advance that you like that, she's probably going to play along.

The human body only bends in so many directions, so be reasonable with your requests. She's not Gumby, so using a vibrator in her pussy and ass in doggy-style position while licking her nipples where you can see it at the same time just isn't possible. The model also isn't a mind reader, so you may have to explain what it is you want to see if she doesn't get it right from the beginning.

Master one-handed typing, if necessary. If the site has some way for her to hear your voice, that's far better. You'll warm her up and get a better show by complimenting her and telling her how much you're enjoying the show than by giving a series of commands. If you turn the model on with your words, you'll get far more from the experience than if she's having to summon up motivation on her own. If she shares a kink with you, take advantage of it.

If you can, give her a few minutes to relax before your private minutes run out. Hopefully, she's languid from coming hard, and she'll appreciate the time to regain her composure. Give her a chance to get dressed again, or have a drink. Even a minute or so will earn you brownie points in both free chat and any follow-up shows. Just like in the real world, you should think of your cyber-partner before, during, and after the fun time.

Come back into free chat and talk about how good the show was once it's over. It's free advertising for the model.

(X.) In Conclusion

You don't have to be a big spender to be a welcome addition to the chat room. You don't ever have to spend a single thin dime. If you can crack a joke to make the model smile, or chase off annoying beggars, then you're contributing to the bottom line of the model and the site. A model that's not having a good time and smiling isn't going to attract private shows. Those long hours of posing half-naked on your bed can quickly grow boring without something interesting going on in chat.

You'll get the most out of your nudie chat time if you're part comedian, part Casanova, and part Knight in Shining Armor. Once you're into the model's inner circle, you all should feed off each other to have a good time. There's something special about a sexy half-dressed woman laughing at your jokes that you just can't get anywhere else. I've made lifelong friends in chat, the kind of people who will give you the shirt off their back when times get rough.

Be warned, it can be addicting. You do still need to show up at work, eat, shower, and all those other little things in the real world too.

Walk into chat with only one expectation — having a good time and seeing a sexy model on screen. If you're realistic, then your time in nudie chat can fill in those gaps of boredom that everyone experiences when the guys are trapped at home with Honey-Do lists and there's nothing on the tube.

Here endeth the lesson. Turn to page 69 in your hymnals and head for chat.