Waiting

It's been over 6 months since she left our office for greener pastures, and I actually miss her more now than ever. A few days ago, she called my office mate and they had a short conversation. I could sort of hear her voice - the first time since I ran into her in the airport. We were going in opposite directions, me to where she had just left and she to where I had just left.

My office mate told her I was sitting across the desk, and she said "Hi" to me. I replied and tried to put as much feeling into the word "hello" as I possibly could. Believe me, it's not easy to communicate a lot in a single word. But I tried. I know she could hear my voice, and I hope she got it. I guess I hope she's reading this, too, and gets it.

Things had started out so promising for us. I know the first day I met her at work I was totally captivated. I think she felt a little something, too, but I can't be sure. I do know that every chance I had I tried to talk with her and flirt just a little bit. It wasn't a big office so I wanted to be a little careful. See, I'm married and so is she. Because in a small office in a small town you have to be careful.

I kept my feelings for her to myself, and didn't tell anyone about them, especially not her. Even though I knew she was struggling in her marriage, I played it safe. I kick myself just about every day for that. Of course, my boss would have fired me if she found out I was messing around with a co-worker. I'm pretty sure my wife would have fired me, too.

So I thought about her a lot when I was alone, especially the nights I was in town. I should have mentioned that I worked in a different office most of the time, and made the trip to the other office about every three weeks. I went a little more often than I probably needed to because I wanted to see her. Only she never knew that. The company had a condo in town, so I stayed there instead of a hotel. It would have been a perfect love nest, a perfect rendezvous spot for a private affair.

What it turned out to be was a place where I spent a lot of nights alone (about 60 nights a year) and at some point, would escape into my fantasies where she was with me. Of course, those fantasies were very arousing. She is a very sexy girl, always wearing dresses that I thought covered not quite enough for the office but just a little too much for me, on the short side and always sleeveless. She is so cute, so beautiful, with a ready smile, a giggle ready to escape, and a smile on lips that I so wanted to kiss. Her eyes are beautiful, and I love her legs.

I always took care of myself but it never quite satisfied.

About a year after we met I heard that she was having an affair with someone else. It nearly killed me. It literally took my breath away, and I remember sitting in my office, heart pounding, having difficulty breathing, and feeling sick to my stomach.

I had been asked to fill in for my boss on an interim basis while they found a replacement, so I had a large private office. The HR director came in and delivered this news, unfortunately after it had gone to some other executives who dealt with that news differently than I would have. I wish it, or she, had come to me first.

Anyway, I faked it until the HR Director left my office, and I put my head on the desk, closed my eyes and sat there in the dark for some time until I could get a grip. Oh, the sick, punched-in-the-gut feeling that I hadn't acted for so many months was overwhelming. Even now, a year later, I still feel a little that way. Okay, a lot that way.

That affair didn't last, and I wanted to hurt the man who hurt her. I actually want to hurt both the men who have and are hurting her. She is so wonderful, so beautiful, so sexy, so full of life, so desirable to be around, and they suck the life out of her. She should be nurtured and worshipped.

After I had heard about this, even before it ended, I tried to be more open and friendly, beyond what I had been before, hoping that she would get some kind of vibe from me. I would see her every time I went to that office, and the feelings just never went away, never dissipated, actually grew stronger.

A few months later she was recruited away from us. Once again, I was sick to my stomach.

It was the right decision for her at the time. In retrospect, I don't think it was, but for her, I think it seemed to represent an escape from the situation she was in. I think maybe she was desperate to escape from her then-current life situation, and that's what she was seeing. She is very talented, smart, quick and it was hard to persuade her not to go to work for my former boss. So she left.

But not before delivering a message to me.

The last week I was in town before she left for the new opportunity we talked a lot, and we had a long lunch. We talked about her home situation among other things and we really connected. I was so sorry, kicking myself as it were, for not having done that a long time before. I guess I'm not sure she would have or could have, as she is married to a controller who demands accountability for all of her time, especially if it involves something social. He is paranoid. Perhaps with reason, but still paranoia is never healthy. It is poison to a relationship.

On the last day, we had a few minutes to ourselves in her office as I was leaving for the airport. We hugged, a long, tight, close hug, totally inappropriate for work. But who gave a shit, it was her last day. So we hugged and I was in heaven. She whispered in my ear, "I don't want to lose you."

I relived that moment in my head a thousand or more times. I still relive it almost every day.

I don't want to lose you either. I hope I haven't. But I am digressing. Let me get back on track.

She friended me or I friended her on FaceBook, and we kept our contacts to Likes. We texted on our personal phones, and that was very exciting. We texted about that last moment together, and we did some emailing to private accounts, and even shared an online calendar so we could know when she was traveling to my town and I was traveling to hers.

I texted her something about my dog and a leash, and she responded.

"Leash, huh?"

Of course, I couldn't let that one slide, so I responded that there are many ways to have fun. She bowled me over when she said we should put it on our list.

"Our list?" I replied.

"Yes, our list."

My response was some goofy emoji, maybe 7 or 8 of them. And then I asked her if that was over the top.

She said it was what she had hoped for.

Things were developing very nicely.

We had lunch on a Sunday afternoon in my town. It was wonderful, and we connected. It felt like everything was falling into place. A few days later she sent me a fun pic. Blew my mind!

And then it was all falling out of place. We had to quit texting as her husband was looking at the cell phone bill and wanted to know who all of the people were that she was texting.

And then the emails slowed considerably as she had to be ultra cautious.

And then I really blew it.

Against all my better judgement, I "liked" a picture of her on a social network, a picture a few years old - always a bad idea. It was a great picture, and I genuinely liked it, but I shouldn't have done it online.

I'd never been "unfriended" before. But I have been now. I don't know if a jealous husband demanded it, or it she did it because it was a necessary show of force. I can't imagine it was a reflection of her true feelings. I tried to apologize to her in a private email, and was reprimanded for that.

We haven't had any contact since then. She asked me not to, and I have lived up to that request. But I want her to know that I am here. I'm not going anywhere. It's been months, and I miss her terribly.

I still have the leash...