Waking Dreams

I awake disoriented with my heart pounding in my chest. Panic starts to creep into my mind as I have no idea where I am. Looking around, I can not make out any shapes in the pitch black darkness that surrounds me. Closing my eyes, I force myself to calm down and take deep breaths. Opening my eyes once more, I realize that I am in my bedroom. Relief floods me then embarrassment at being so silly. Yet, there is something different... something that woke me from my sleep. I stare at the ceiling trying to remember what it was that startled me so.

It's night once more. Away from the city, the night sky is awash with sparkles of light. The full moon illuminates the field where I lay with a soft pale glow. Only when I am out here, away from everyone and everything, do I feel content. The quiet slumber of nature eases my fears and heartache. How I wish that all my days could be spent here. Even though I am alone, I know that here I can let myself be free. The guards I place around my heart melt away as the peacefulness of the night surrounds me. Closing my eyes, I let my mind drift as I listen to the world around me. The night crickets play their quiet music, serenading each other with a melody as old as time. Night owls call softly reminding the field mice that they have awoken. Even the soft rustle of the wind through the grass soothes my restless soul. As my breathing slows, I succumb to my weariness and drift off to sleep.

My love ... I have found you at last ...

A soft smile a lights my face. Your breath tickles my ear as you whisper words of love to me. Though I know not what you say, I feel your love move through me. Warmth surrounds me as you lie next to me and gather me into your strong arms. A deep sigh escapes me releasing any doubts and fears I still have. You comfort me as I snuggle closer to you. Holding me closer, your arms tighten as to prevent me from ever leaving your sweet embrace. I sigh again feeling safe and cherished as I used to when I was a child. Time stands still for me as I relish these feelings you bring me. You whisper my name with such longing. My heart beats faster. Tilting my head up, you ask me to look upon your face. I hesitate ... for I believe I am dreaming and if I dare open my eyes, I fear you will disappear. Your arms tighten once more and you whisper my name again to reassure me. Taking a deep breath, I open my eyes.

There is so much love in your gaze that tears begin to trickle down my face. Your eyes mesmerize me. Lighter than my own deep dark chocolate brown eyes, yours contain specks of green that twinkle like little stars. I could spend hours just gazing deep into your eyes. Looking deep into them, I know there is no malice, no deception, and no pain to cause me ... only love. I feel one of your hands move to cup my cheek. Your thumb gently sweeps away my tears. I see how much my tears pain you, yet I can not make them stop. I do not know if it is relief that moves me, or fear of losing you. With so many emotions running through me, I can not keep gazing into your eyes. I shut my eyes quickly and drop my head into your chest. Your hand moves to cup the back of head and your arms tighten around me once more. I hear your soothing voice trying to console me. Slowly, I calm down and the tears dry up. You whisper my name once more and peace fills me. Even though my emotions are still swirling crazily through me, I relax because you are here with me. I force my thoughts to still and my heart to slow. Calm once more, I take a deep breath and look into your eyes.

The love is still there. Even without speaking, I know you love me. There are no words I can say to express how much I love you in return. Looking deep into your eyes, I know you feel my love too. A small smile a lights your face. Happiness blooms in your eyes and something deeper stirs. A blush begins to burn my face as I realize it is your desire for me that is awakening. I can not break the stare between us. Your desire begins to heat up the air between us. I feel my own desire start to stir. Suddenly, as if you can not wait any longer, your mouth descends on mine and you kiss me with a ferocity that startles me. Your kiss is demanding, yet gentle. Even this action echoes your love for me. The desire you have for me weakens any protest and I submit willingly to you. My mouth opens to admit your questing tongue. You groan deeply as you plunder my mouth. I feel the air around me heat up even more as my desire begins to match your own. My skin begins to burn wherever our bodies touch. Tearing your mouth away from mine, you move me to lie on my back. Now it is my turn to moan as I relish the feeling of your body pressed on top of me. You push yourself away from me and I open my eyes as I feel the loss of your touch. My breath catches and for a minute I forget to breathe. It is your eyes that captivate me once more ... and the love that shines so brightly from within them.

I have lost you -- yet why can I not let you go...

Realization hits me at the same time as the pain does. I curl up into a ball as the tears begin once more and sobs escape me. It hurts so much. Knowing you are not here with me breaks my heart once more. The pain escalates. I want to scream out loud but instead I whimper brokenly into my pillow. Sharp jagged daggers of lost love tear through every part of my body, mind and soul. Even as I cry, I wonder when it will end. I wonder how much time needs to pass before I can even begin to move forward. Then I remember how much time we had together. Time can not erase the large part of my life that was spent with you. Even if my heart heals, and I learn to trust again, I do not know if I am capable of loving once more. This truth hurts just as much as the loss of living without you. As my tears slowly subside, and weariness fills me, I force myself to grab the blankets and try to go back to sleep. Fear fills me even as my eyes grow heavy with the need to rest. I am afraid that I will see you once more.