Waking Nightmares Ch. 02

Allison went to say something but Ryan stopped her with his hand,

"Before you tell me, I know you don't intentionally get anxious but the thing is you're trapped in a cycle that you have to break, or else you'll keep spiraling down deeper and deeper. What I'm trying to say is that anxiety is a part of you and you can't fight yourself Allison, that's a battle you'll never win, and you can't run from yourself either, you'll never get far enough. Believe me, I've tried."

"So what am I supposed to do?" she asked.

"Make a conscious decision not to react to your attacks."

Allison waited for him to continue.

"That's it?" she asked when he didn't say anything else, "You want me prance around when I get a panic attack and pretend nothing is happening?"

"It sounds simple enough but it isn't. Your anxiety is subconscious, you can't control where it stems from and at times you will also feel like you are causing it to happen. What you need to understand is, even though it is subconscious, you can make a conscious decision not to react to it. It's like the case of being called names in school. The more you show that it's affecting you, the more the kids are going to taunt you. Show them that it doesn't affect you and gradually they lose interest and stop."

Allison was looking at him totally bewildered.

"Of course anxiety is worse than name calling but I was just trying to make a point," he defended himself sheepishly.

"So I just ignore it?" she asked, trying to wrap her around the concept.

"No, don't ignore it, accept it."

"What's the difference?"

"If you ignore it, you're still resisting it. When you accept it, you embrace it. You wrap your hands around your anxiety and thank it. Thank it for trying to keep you safe but let it know that the danger has passed and that you no longer need its help."

Allison was trying to process what he was saying and had nothing to say.

"I know it's too much to take in at once and it sounds counter intuitive right now, but just start with baby steps. This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon."

"So the next time I get an attack, I just sit back and let it happen?"

"In a sense. First control your breathing. It's the single biggest change you can make and also one of the hardest in the beginning."

"I know, I've tried but I just can't do it."

"You can. Just focus. Ignore everything else that is happening. Even if you feel like dying, keep counting your breaths. Three seconds in, six seconds out. It will take some time Allison, I'm not saying you'll get the hang of it tomorrow but slowly by slowly you will start noticing change. Look at it this way, no matter how bad the attacks have been, haven't you always come out at the other side?"

She thought about it for a second then nodded.

"The next time you get an attack, first of all breathe. After that I want you to notice what's happening to you. Yes, you're panicking, but try to find out why. Call a time-out in the middle of the attack and just observe. Can you do this for me? Next time you get an attack, will you try and accept it and just observe? Will you practice your breathing? Even if it's only for a few seconds?"

Allison nodded skeptically.

"Allison, you have a right to be happy just like everybody else. You have a right to live a full and happy life. You have a right to laugh, a right to enjoy a night out with friends, even a right to do something as simple as watch a movie in peace. Don't deny yourself that, please. Will you make a resolution and just try?"

She nodded with a little more resolve and Ryan smiled.

"Thatta girl."

She gave him a small smile in return.

"Allison I'm going to tell you a rule, or something like a mantra, that you have to memorize and ingrain deep into your mind."

She just eyed him curiously.

"Do you understand?"

She nodded.

"It will sound very obvious and you might even think it's silly but you have to live by this rule. Always remember, you have a problem, but you are not the problem."

She looked a little confused as she tried to figure it out.

"Allison, you always have to differentiate between having a problem and being the problem. You have a condition, that is what is causing you to feel this way, it's not you."

She looked at him like he had just told her the sky was blue.

"I'm not an idiot Ryan, I know I have a problem."

"Yes, consciously you know it, but don't underestimate the power of the brain. It is very easy to blur the line between thinking you have a problem and thinking you are the problem. You're not weak in any way, you're not flawed and you're not damaged."

She still looked at him skeptically.

"Just humor me for now, I'll show you when the time comes."

Ryan changed tactics and became a little upbeat.

"So Allison, what are you doing tomorrow morning?" he asked, looking at her expectantly.

"I was planning on going skydiving right after I speak to the president on matters concerning world peace," she said sarcastically.

Ryan chuckled, "Ok, maybe I deserved that. You mom said you like running?"

Allison's face fell, "I used to like running. I... I don't anymore. I can't."

"Allison, what was the rule I just told you?"

"Uh... I have a problem, I'm not the problem?" she repeated.

"Do you see it now?"

For the life of her she couldn't figure out what he was getting at.

"You don't just suddenly stop liking something that you've loved doing for years. You still like running, it's your anxiety that's stopping you. You're still the same person inside Allison, you just have to break free of the restraints."

She raised an eyebrow and he sighed.

"You're blurring the lines. You still like running, you still like jumping, you still like everything you used to but it is being masked and distorted. You are still you," Ryan tried to make her understand but he was having difficulty expressing himself. "Just trust me, you'll get it as we go along ok?"

"Are you sure you're not a shrink?" Allison asked, narrowing her eyes.

Ryan smiled. She was making small jokes.

"Ten tomorrow morning, be ready. We're going running."

Allison's face went white as a ghost.

"No way..." she sputtered, "I can't go out. No way in hell."

Ryan made a bold move and took her hands in his and looked her in the eyes, "You can, and you will. I'll be there with you every step of the way. It's time to stop hiding Allison, it's time to stop dying every single day. It's time to come out and live again."

Allison thought about it. She didn't know what it was but she wanted to believe him. He wasn't cold and clinical like the therapists she had been to, and he had been through what she was going through at the moment. He knew. She wanted to be free again and this guy seemed to know what he was doing. Out of everyone she had spoken to, he seemed to make the most logical sense and deep inside she felt that this was right. It had been a long time since her gut had given her any kind of a good signal.

One last time, she thought to herself, I'll give it one last try.

She looked down to where he was holding her hands, fingering the ring he'd brought her, and nodded once.

************************************

Ryan walked down the stairs feeling pretty good about himself. He'd gotten Allison to at least try to get better and usually that was one of the hardest parts. If there was no desire to get better, he might was well wave a wand at her and expect her to get better. He'd tipped the ball over the edge and now it was just a question of getting it rolling.

As he reached the bottom he heard voices coming from the kitchen. One was Mrs. Greene and the other was a female he didn't recognize. He tensed up. He debated with himself whether he should just walk out without them knowing but knew it would look really bad. If nothing else, he at least owed Mrs. Greene the good news. Mustering up the resolve he walked into the kitchen.

Mrs. Greene was behind the counter preparing something and smiled when she noticed him enter. The person she was talking to had her back to him and turned when she noticed Mrs. Greene's attention was behind her. Slightly shorter than him, wearing hip hugging jeans and a white halter top stood, in his opinion, one of the prettiest girl he had ever seen. Eye brows furrowed and blue eyes piercing, she looked him over curiously, trying to place who he was. He immediately recognized her as Allison's sister from the pictures.

Not one to maintain eye contact, Ryan barely glanced at her before focusing his attention on Mrs. Greene. He would have liked to check her out a little more but that brief glimpse was all he could manage right now, his face was already starting to grow hot.

"Ryan, this is my younger daughter Hailey," she said still smiling.

"Hailey, this is Ryan."

Ryan forced a smile and said Hi to her before looking away again, noticing the way her brunette hair framed her face and fell over her shoulders. He also noticed Mrs. Greene didn't mention why he was there.

"Uh Mrs. Greene, we're going running tomorrow," he said.

Mrs. Greene looked confused and he realized he hadn't mentioned who. Hailey's gaze was making him really nervous and he wished she would just look somewhere else.

"I mean, Allison and I are going running tomorrow morning," he clarified.

Mrs. Greene looked shocked and he risked a quick look at Hailey to see her confused and looking at her mother for an explanation.

"Really?" Mrs. Greene asked in disbelief, "she hasn't been out of the house in three months."

Ryan nodded, "I convinced her to go running tomorrow, let's see what happens."

"Thank you so much," Mrs. Greene rushed around the counter to come over to him but Ryan held up his hands,

"Not yet Mrs. Greene. There's still a long way to go and I still can't guarantee anything. Let's just take it one step at a time."

Mrs. Greene nodded but he could see she was overjoyed as she wrung her hands together. It was becoming too much and he had to get out. Now.

"I'll just see myself out. I'll see you tomorrow Mrs. G," he said and walked out without waiting for an answer.

He had noticed that throughout the whole conversation Hailey had remained silent, trying to figure out what was going on. He was a very good reader of body language and he knew she was getting angrier as she understood just what was happening. Unwillingly he thought how the pictures he saw of her had nothing on what she looked like in the flesh. She was gorgeous. Ryan had seen pretty girls before but none had struck him like this. He felt a strange pull towards her and even he didn't understand it.

He reached his car and fished in his pockets for the keys. He started panicking when he couldn't find them. Shaking his head to calm himself down he tried to retrace his steps. He froze as he figured out where they were. He had left them on the kitchen counter when he had helped her get things down from the cupboard. He kicked the car tire in frustration. Now he would have to face them again.

He found the door still unlocked so he let himself in, hoping they'd moved upstairs so he could just grab his keys and go. The voices told him he would never be that lucky. In his case it was always, 'You will face that which you fear'. Always.

As he got closer to the kitchen he couldn't help but overhear the conversation. He would have even if he didn't want to because Hailey's voice had just gone a few octaves higher.

"... means we let any weirdo and wacko into our house? What's wrong with you mom? We don't know anything about that weirdo and I'm not letting him near Allison!"

That stung. Ryan stopped dead in his tracks and almost walked back out and took the bus home. He didn't want this, he didn't need this.

"Hailey, just listen. You don't understand," he heard Mrs. Greene trying to explain.

"No mom! I was going to stop you at the astrologer and the ring but now this is too much. You can't let some stranger into our house. Did you even see him? He was all fidgety and his eyes were shifty, I just don't trust him at all."

Ryan's hands balled into fists and he wanted to punch something. He didn't want to hear any more and walked back to the main door. He made some noise to let them know he was in the house and walked back to the kitchen.

"Ryan?" Mrs. Greene questioned.

"Forgot my keys..." He mumbled without looking at either of them.

He stumbled forward and grabbed the keys from the counter. He silently cursed when they fell to the floor and he awkwardly picked them up. He could feel Hailey's gaze on him and he refused to look back at her. Looking down he walked back out as quickly as he could. He almost ran to his car after he was out of sight.

He was almost backing out when he saw the front door open and Mrs. Greene rush out, wrapping her sweater around her in the cold. He wanted to just speed off but he couldn't. He cursed his moral righteousness and rolled down the window as she approached.

"Ryan I'm so sorry about that," she said, looking truly sorry as well, "I know you heard that."

"It's ok, I understand" he said flatly, hoping she would just let him go.

"Hailey's really over protective of her sister after... you know, and she doesn't think properly when it comes to Allison. She's also got a fierce temper but she didn't mean any of those things, you have to believe me."

She was almost pleading now and Ryan didn't have the heart to let her continue to suffer.

"I understand Mrs. Greene, even you were angry the first time remember? I know what people go through, don't worry. Should I come tomorrow or...?" he asked, not knowing whether he would be welcome.

"Oh yes, please!" she almost grabbed his hand, "For the first time in three months my baby has agreed to go out, please don't back out now, please,"

Ryan thought she was almost going to cry. Of course he wasn't going to back out.

"I was just asking Mrs. Greene, of course I'll be here."

She nodded and looked relieved, "I'll see you tomorrow then, and I apologize once again."

"It's already forgotten," Ryan smiled and waved as he backed out of the driveway.

The smile dropped as soon as he pulled away. He was right, and he did know what people went through in times like these, but that didn't mean the words hurt any less. He zoned out as he drove along, remembering the cruel words from since way back when he could remember. He had grown immune to them after a while, and didn't even notice when people said mean things about him. Weird, freak, creep, been there, done that. He'd accepted it and moved on but for some reason today was different. No, not the day, it was the person. For some reason, it was because she had said it that he was affected and that scared him.

He went through the process of painfully closing those doors again, walling up the emotions and locking them away. He had heard it was unhealthy and all that but what else was he supposed to do? They had never been of use to him before and they sure as hell weren't going to be useful to him now.

***************************************

At ten the next morning Ryan was Allison's door, knocking softly, "Allison, you ready?"

"No," he heard from inside.

"Can I come in?"

"Yes,"

He walked in to find her dressed in running clothes and shoes, sitting on the edge of her bed looking scared out of her wits. He was glad she had at least dressed up for it. It showed initiative.

"C'mon," he jerked his head towards the door.

She shook her head, "I can't Ryan, I can't."

He simply held out his hand and waited.

After five minutes she saw he wasn't going to let up and reluctantly put her hand in his.

"Now remember," he said after he'd pulled her to her feet, "there's nothing wrong with you and there's nothing going to harm you, ok?"

She nodded hesitantly.

"I'm here with you, all the way. Never forget that."

She nodded and he led her downstairs. Ryan realized this was the most physical human contact he'd had with anyone apart from his parents. Strangely he didn't feel weird having Allison's hand in his. There was nothing physical or intimate about it, just like a doctor and patient. In fact he felt she was helping him in some small way as well.

Her mother was sitting in the living room acting casual as he'd advised her to when he'd arrived. It wasn't a good idea to make a big deal out of stuff, it put too much pressure and raised anxiety levels. He was glad when he arrived and found no sign of Hailey. It would make this much more easier for him.

As they approached the main door Allison started walking slower until he was almost pulling when they reached it.

Ryan turned to face her, "You can do this."

Allison didn't seem to share his enthusiasm and was nervously biting her lower lip. Ryan opened the door and felt Allison backing away. He tightened his grip on her hand and smiled comfortingly.

"There's nothing out there that can hurt you Allison. Nothing at all."

He could see Allison steeling herself, gathering up the courage, then giving him a stiff nod. There was a slight wind and it was cold out.

"Let's go," he said, and walked her out until they were standing on the patio.

He could feel her hand trembling and looked to her to see her breathing rapidly and her eyes shifting around in a scared fashion.

"Allison, look at me," he said softly.

She looked at him, terrified.

"You're ok," he squeezed her hand and tried to convey as much security in those words as he could.

"Breathe deep. Three seconds in, six seconds out," he reminded her, "do it with me."

He breathed in sync with her, squeezing her hand reassuringly on every exhale, until her breathing had evened out. He led her down the stairs and her grip on his hand tightened with every step. There was snow a few inched deep on her driveway and he was glad they'd worn some jackets.

"It's amazing isn't it?" he said and she looked at him.

"I just love winter and snow. Look at that tree," he pointed to a tree with its leaves covered in snow. It was white with patches of dark green peeking through.

There was nothing over the top amazing about it but he was just to keep Allison's mind diverted. He didn't want her focusing inward, rather he wanted her to concentrate on what was around her, outside her.

"You know when I was a kid I used to hide up trees like that and throw snowballs on people passing by," Ryan said.

She gave him a small smile, "I did that too. I used to be a tomboy when I was little. I've even climbed that tree," she motioned at the tree he had shown her.

"Really? Good thing we weren't in the same neighborhood. We'd have been sworn enemies, and I'd have totally beaten you."

She cocked an eyebrow, "Nuh- uh," she said like a bratty kid and shook her head.

"Well, at least I would have tried,"

She almost laughed and looked back at the tree wistfully, no doubt remembering the good old times. They stopped when they reached the end of the driveway.

"So, you ready to run?" he asked her.

She looked at him and realized where they were. Reality kicked in and her eyes widened. Her head darted around and she got that cornered animal look again. Ryan saw it immediately,

"Breathe, Allison, breathe," he told her but it was too late.

She was shaking her head and backing away. He tried to hold on but she pulled her hand from his and ran back inside, slamming the door as she disappeared.

Ryan let out a heavy breath and hung his head for a few moments. Collecting himself he walked back in.

"What happened?" Mrs. Greene asked as soon as he was inside.

"Something you're going to be seeing a lot of,"

"What?" she clearly wasn't expecting that answer.

"She got an attack. She was out of her comfort zone and she freaked out. It's going to happen Mrs. Greene, you just need to try to see the positive side."