Wanting Him

I took a deep breath as I stared at the door, trying to calm my beating heart. I knew what was waiting on the other side of the door, and for the first time in my life, I was a bit scared.

Six months ago, I left home for university. I was only seventeen, and I turned eighteen a month after getting there. The transition was rough. I would never admit it to my friends back home, but I was a little afraid that I would never make friends. At first, I didn't fit in. Here at Ohio State, there were literally thousands of freshman roaming around, meeting one another. The school had around forty thousand undergraduates alone, and I was just one person of them.

When I got here, I was immediately swallowed by the sheer volume of people. What was I thinking, a small-town Ohio boy going to such a large school? The people in my dorm were nice, but they all went out partying every night. Me? I was a bit of a prude. I didn't really like one night stands with girls all the time. Well, I didn't even like girls at all.

Let me start over, because I can tell I'm butchering this. My name is Thomas Elliot Davidson. I moved to Ohio State. I'm a freshman studying economics. I'm from a small town, and I hate this big school. I'm antisocial and introverted, and have pretty much no friends.

My first few months were hell. My roommates were nice enough, and they got along with one another well, but I never really connected with any of them. They all went out and played football on the quad while I was inside playing computer games and watching YouTube videos. They partied all weekend while I occasionally watched a movie by myself. We couldn't be more different. The first few weeks, they tried inviting me out to grab dinner sometimes, but after I declined all their invitations, they stopped inviting me.

My classes weren't much better, either. I wanted to get away from the small town environment. I loved the excitement at Ohio State, but it was almost too much once I was here. The classes were enormous lecture halls. My smallest class was about one hundred students, and my largest was four hundred. I didn't know very many people.

After my first semester, I went home and did some soul searching. I talked a lot with my parents, well they lectured me, and they pushed me to try joining some clubs. I didn't really like a lot of these things, but I figured that it couldn't hurt anyone to go once. Then, at least my mom would stop bugging me about them.

That's how in January, a month ago, I found myself being that awkward new kid who slightly opened a door and asked if they were in the right place.

"Hi," I said, sticking my head through a small crack in the door entrance. "Is this the animation club?"

"Welcome," an older guy said, fully opening the door and pulling me in. He was taller than me at about six feet, though I was only five foot six, so it was pretty easy to do. "We're working on a design for a new game. Have you done much programming?"

"Not really," I said sheepishly. "I've done a lot of playing computer games, and my mom kept bugging me to join this organization," I immediately regretted my answer. Internally, I was cursing myself. What loser needed their mom to push them to join a club?

"Well, we could use a tester and aneye for flow," he chuckled. "What's your name?"

"Thomas."

"Well hello Thomas! I'm James. This is Dave, Samuel, and Daisy," he introduced, pointing at each in turn. Dave looked like a surfer boy straight out of a movie. Samuel was an Asian guy with huge, thick glasses. Daisy, contrary to her name, was a gothic girl. Her dark black hair was braided into two braids and she sported tons of bracelets on her wrists.

"Hey guys," I waved lamely. Before I could further embarrass myself, I sat down at a desk in the small classroom. Daisy sat to my right and there was an empty chair to my left. All four resumed looking at their computers, and I sat awkwardly, wondering what would happen next.

Suddenly, another person burst into the room.

"Sorry I'm late!" A deep, melodic, male voice panted, out of breath. "I was caught up doing some Macroeconomics homework."

He walked across the room and seemed surprised to notice me in a seat. I watched him, his dark brown hair and light brown eyes piercing into my face. "I'm Ashton. Who are you?"

"Thomas," I replied, thankful that I hadn't messed up my words.

He nodded, giving me a slight smile that instantly made my pants tighten. "Nice to meet you."

"Okay, let's get started." James announced, clapping his hands. "Daisy, did you work on the latest graphics issue with the war character?"

"Yeah, but it's still a little sketchy. I uploaded it to our project folder."

Everyone clicked around on their computers, and I glanced around the room, sliding down in my seat a little. What made me come here? I wished I could disappear.

"Here, you can look off my laptop," Ashton offered. I nodded, willing myself not to blush in embarrassment. I ducked my head a little, hoping he wouldn't notice anything amiss.

An image loaded onto Ashton's computer screen as he loaded his laptop. The desktop background was of a group of people, possibly his family or friends, at the beach. I stared at the image of a shirtless Ashton coming out of the water with droplets coming off his chest. A girl and guy stood off to his left, but I barely noticed them. Ashton's dark chest glinted in the sunlight, his Latina color seeming so alluring to me.

Ashton clicked on the desktop and brought up Chrome, breaking me out of my spell. The rest of the meeting was uneventful, but I found myself forcing myself to go back to more meetings, wanting to sit next to Ashton. Every time he spoke, his voice glided over me like waves on a beach. I could get lost in his eyes, and I was careful not to look at him too much. Even his smell drove me insane -- he had some sort of cologne on that I could smell from my seat. Everything about him excited me.

I started going out with the group more often. Occasionally Daisy brought her boyfriend and Dave brought his girlfriend to dinner outings. James, the oldest of us all as he was a senior, rarely went out to eat with us. Samuel, Ashton, and I were pathetically alone.

"So, what are your plans for tonight?" Ashton asked me as we sat down one time in the dining hall.

"I'm not sure. We have some accountings homework that I should work on."

"Come on, I'm in business and I know economics isn't quite that bad," Ashton argued. "You should go out with us tonight."

"Are we going to that frat party tonight?" Dave asked, joining our conversation.

"Yeah, they have the best beer."

"Oh, don't even kid us, you're just going because you like the guys there," Samuel snorted.

I choked, spitting out a little bit of water and coughing.

"Whoa, are you okay there?" Dave asked, slamming his hand onto my back and nearly knocking me out of my chair.

"I'm fine," I said between coughs.

Ashton looked at me, seeming a little unsure of himself, but I didn't get a chance to ask him what was wrong when Samuel picked up where we left off.

"So, are you joining us, Thomas?" Samuel asked me.

I hesitated. A night away from my games? But a night with Ashton...

"Sure," I said with bravery I didn't know I had.

I found myself borrowing a shirt from one of my roommates, who was ecstatic that I was going out, and threw on some skinny jeans. Donning a jacket and beanie, I met Ashton and Samuel in the foyer of Samuel's dorm. We all walked over together, and Samuel disappeared soon after in search of some beer. I was a little uncomfortable. My parents' strong sense of morals and law obedience made me a bit hesitant to grab some alcohol, but it would at least help me calm down...

Steeling myself, I followed Samuel to the kitchen.

Three hours later, I found myself drunk out of my mind.

"Whoa, are you okay?" Ashton's voice broke through my fog as I stumbled over something and crashed into him.

"I'mmm fine," I slurred.

"Let's get you home," he said gently, grabbing me and lifting me to my feet. He steered me out of the house, laying an arm across me as I almost tripped over a couple.

I openly gaped at his forearm. "You'rrre sooo big and strrrong," I mumbled.

"What was that?" Ashton said, bending down to hear me.

"Whyyy are you so h-hot," I whined at him. He looked back at me, shocked.

"You don't know what you're saying. Where's your dorm?"

"I dunno."

Ashton sighed, lifting me up and carrying me to some other place. We walked for a bit and then he dropped me on a sofa.

"Where amm I?"

"You can stay at my place until you sober up." He leaned over, grabbing a blanket and tossing it over me. As he adjusted it, he leaned down, and I leaned up, kissing him on the lips. He froze and got off me quickly.

"I'm going to bed," he stated before walking away and shutting a door somewhere. Soon I fell asleep in my drunken stupor.

When morning came, I had a raging headache and a horrible feeling. As I remembered everything that happened the night before, I swore.

"Shit, I gotta go!" I ran my hands over my face in shame. I quickly donned my shoes and ran out of the house.

That was a week ago, and now I stood at the door of our organization meeting. I hadn't returned any of Samuel's texts asking about the party, and Ashton hadn't messaged me at all. I hesitated at the door.

"Hey Thomas," James greeted me as he came up in the hall behind me.

"Hey," I said hesitantly.

"Well? Are you going in?" He raised an eyebrow at me.

I took a deep breath and opened the door. Much to my disappointment, Ashton wasn't in the room, and he didn't show up for the meeting. I sighed, annoyed, and James seemed to pick up on my sour mood. As we were leaving, he asked me to stay back.

"Thomas, is everything alright? You seemed a bit out of it today."

I shrugged.

"Did something happen at the party? I know the guys were excited for it."

I tensed, giving him a wary look. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Relax, I'm not going to do anything," he chuckled. "If you ever want someone to talk to, I'm always here." With that, he breezed out of the room.

The next week, Ashton still didn't show up to the meetings. He told Dave he was busy. The week after, though, it seemed clear to me that he was ignoring me. Ashamed, I ended up asking James to talk. He took one look at my sad face and ushered me to his apartment.

"Do you want some tea or something?" He asked me as he put a kettle on the stove.

"No, I'm good," I responded, sitting down on a couch. The apartment was small, with one room with a small stove and couches and a table. A door was off to the side, probably the bedroom and bathroom.

"So, what happened?"

I burst into tears. Mortified, I hid my face in my hand, trying to stop the avalanche of emotions.

"Whoa, calm down!" James said, but that only made me cry harder. James sat down on the sofa next to me, tentatively wrapping an arm around me. "What's going on? Does this have something to do with Ashton?"

Taking a shaky breath, I nodded.

"The night of the party?"

"Y-yeah. I got really drunk, and I..." I trailed off, embarrassment coloring my cheeks as I hesitated to reveal my rejection.

"Are you gay?" James asked bluntly.

"Y-yes," I whispered shamefully.

"Hey, you know there's nothing to be ashamed of. That's part of who you are, and that's cool," James reassured me.

"He rejected me," I said, whimpering slightly.

"Why?"

I shrugged my shoulders hopelessly, erupting in another round of sobs. James shook his head, grabbing some tissues for me and letting me cry all the tears out. Eventually, I lay exhausted on his sofa.

"The bathroom's through that door if you want to clean up a bit," James suggested, and I nodded. As I left the room, he took his phone out. I stared at myself in the mirror, seeing my red eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. Splashing water on my face, I desperately tried to clean up my appearance a bit. It didn't do much, though, and I resigned myself to looking awful in James' presence.

As I walked back in, though, I noticed that it wasn't just James in the room. Ashton was there, too.