Warmth Pt. 03

XV

The plan was that Pine and I would leave on the morning of Boxing Day. It was on our final night there that Pine had a night terror, and it was the worst one he had had yet.

He woke me up with wriggling and squirming, but it didn't take long for me to notice that it was way worse than it normally was. I had to pull away quickly because I was scared he would spasm a limb and hit me in the face or something. In the few seconds after I sat up I looked at the state he was in, morbid curiosity stopping me from immediately waking him.

He was writhing on the bed, but that wasn't the worst of it. The second I saw him scratching, almost clawing, at his own throat I sprung to action. I shook him to wake him up, calling out his name, but he stayed asleep.

Desperately I became more forceful. I screamed. I shook him so violently I thought he'd get whiplash. I put everything I could into my voice, pleading, begging for him to come back to me. Eventually he did wake up. The instant he did I took him into my arms, hugging him like he was going to be ripped away.

Maybe sixty seconds after he had awoken I heard a light knock at the door. I couldn't get up, so I just told them to let themselves in. I craned my neck to see it was my father.

"Is everything okay in here? We heard you screaming."

"It's okay, Dad. Pine just had one of those nightmares again. I can handle it," I assured him.

There was a pause. "Can I help in any way?"

I pondered for a second. "Maybe you could leave some water out on the kitchen table for us?"

"Got it."

As he left I took a moment to appreciate that Pine had so many people concerned for his well-being.

Once he was at the point where he buried his face into my shirt it occurred to me that when he held me and tried to comfort me on the night of the 23^rd, he may have just been imitating what I would do when I calmed him down. I felt a little flash of pride at the thought. If I could make him feel half as warm and safe as I did in his arms, I was doing something right.

When he fully relaxed I took him to the kitchen.

*****

We said our goodbyes and left the next morning. I was sad to go, but I knew that I had my own home now, and so did Pine.

The week following was business as usual, save for a nagging doubt that kept making itself known in the back of my mind. I tried my best to push it down.

It kept getting worse until New Year's Eve. We spent it at home, eating pizzas I had ordered. Pine kept dozing off, and I had to wake him up a half a dozen times before he got the message that I didn't want him to sleep. He went to the kitchen to sculpt something.

I tried to use my laptop or read a book, but that little thought kept coming back. It was becoming a real problem, so I decided to stop ignoring it. It was the end of the year, the time seemed right for self-reflection.

I thought about all the things I had done with Pine on Christmas Eve, exactly seven days prior. I did some things then that I never felt the desire to do before. I just did it because it felt good at the time, but in hindsight those choices read very differently.

I'm an adult. I'm not stupid and I'm not naïve. I'm perfectly aware that those actions were extremely intimate and sensual, beyond the pale for two people in a supposedly platonic relationship. Even so, I did them without hesitation. It made me wonder if the experience made my feelings about him change, shift in a different direction.

In truth I could have probably kept brushing off these concerns and remained satisfied for a while, months even, but one lesson I learned was that it's always better to be honest with yourself.

As uncomfortable as it made me, I consciously asked myself the question that had been bugging me all week.

Are you in love with Pine?

Actually facing that question wasn't easy, but it was only the first step. Coming up with an answer was another task entirely. I tried to think about it, but I kept hitting walls, getting blocked by barriers I had set up in my own mind. I had no idea what the answer to that question was. It would seem intuitive that when a person falls for another they should be able to recognize it, but the relationship that Pine and I had formed was so unconventional that I had no clue what to think.

I got up and walked over to the counter where Pine did his sculpting so I could watch him work. I allowed myself to look at him in a way I hadn't before. I looked at the graceful shape of his body, his toned yet still soft form. I looked at his hands that I knew were so gentle. I looked at his face and saw the angle of his jaw, his sharp, piercing eyes. I looked at those shorter bits of hair in the front that stuck out when his hair was up, how they fell down, framing his face.

Was I attracted to the man I was looking at?

My first idea was the direct approach. I tapped his shoulder, and it took him a while to pull away from the little world he had set up before he turned and looked at me. I stood him up and got really close to him. I gently cupped his face in my hands and tilted his head up slightly. After a moment's hesitation, I leaned down so my lips met his.

He initially reacted with surprise, but after a few seconds he caught on and met my pressure with a little bit of his own. I closed my eyes, trying to focus purely on the sensation. I won't deny that I enjoyed it. I liked feeling the warmth of Pine's lips against mine. I couldn't tell if that indicated a spark, though. I didn't feel anything conclusive. When I pulled back from the kiss I opened my eyes, hoping I could discern something from his reaction. I couldn't.

I let out a mix of a groan and a sigh. It was stupid to think that the answer would come to me so easily. Also, Pine wouldn't be able to help me. The normal thing to do would be to talk it out with the other person and hope that you can reach a conclusion together. I didn't have that option. I was on my own with this one.

Still, I can be stubborn when I want to be. I didn't shy away from the challenge.

Letting my instincts take over, I led Pine to the den. I turned off the TV and flicked on all the lights before getting us both on the couch. I lay us both on our sides facing each other, adjusting so that his eyes were level with mine.

I never even thought about doing this before then, likely because the couch was legitimately not big enough for it. We were pushed so close together our noses almost touched, but Pine was at least comfortable and the proximity actually helped with what I had in mind.

I looked into Pine's eyes. Unlike when I first met him, I was able to feel like I was looking at both of his eyes at once. I promised myself that I wouldn't get up or look away until I had an answer I was satisfied with.

I looked into myself and tried to analyze what Pine meant to me, which relationships I could compare ours to. I knew all to well that I often acted like my mother towards him, but I could also see the simpler relationship James had with his dogs. I had little experience with really close friends, and no experience with siblings, but there were parallels I could draw between us and best friends or brothers. There were other parallels I could draw, but those told a different story.

Back in October, when Pine thought he had ruined things with me, I quite literally threw myself at him to prove him wrong. Nothing too serious happened, but I knew that I would have been prepared to submit completely, to let him have his way with me. Was that something I could or would ever do for somebody I didn't see as a potential partner?

On the night before Christmas Eve, I ripped my chest open in front of Pine and let him look inside. I allowed myself to show more vulnerability to him than even my own parents. It was possible that I had always loved him and only then stopped suppressing it.

I tried to think back to past girlfriends and realized that I ended my last relationship almost a year prior and hadn't really put myself out there since then. Maybe I was lonely enough to reach, to interpret romantic attraction when there wasn't any.

I mulled over so many things on that couch. It took so long. I found out right after that I had done it for almost an hour.

There wasn't a lightbulb moment. Nothing happened to make me reach an epiphany. The entire process was achingly, agonizingly slow. It felt like I was trying to put together a huge puzzle and I didn't even know what the assembled image would look like.

For the longest time I laid there, trying to search every corner of my mind, heart, and soul, but when I was done, I had an answer. Once more I asked myself that question.

Are you in love with Pine?

I was able to respond.

No.

I loved Pine more than I could possibly say. In fact, given how unusual our relationship was, I doubted anybody had found the need to create what words could truly describe it. I couldn't sum up what exactly my feelings were, but I knew about some gray areas, what the feelings weren't, and they weren't romantic or sexual.

As strong as my emotions were, they didn't match up to the crushes of my adolescence or the girlfriends of my adult years. Not quite. It's not like I couldn't imagine it. In fact, the idea of Pine being my life partner and lover had appeal to it, but I knew in my heart that it wasn't meant to be.

I think I was expecting to feel a wave of relief that I had reached an outcome, but all I felt was a simple contentment. Perhaps I had just come to the conclusion some part of me had already drawn. Still, it was good to have an answer.

I gave Pine a hug before I let him go back to his sculpting.

I hadn't planned any New Year's resolutions, but during the minutes before the ball dropped on TV, I decided to form one. Well, not a resolution as much as ground rules for myself going forward.

There were some things I had done with Pine, like kissing on the lips and sharing a bed naked, that were meant more for couples than whatever we were. I resolved to never do some of them again and to save others for special occasions only. I stuck to that resolution, too. Once it was put in place, I followed every new rule I had set up.

My resolution was set into motion a few seconds after the ball dropped, right when I was done ringing in the new year by giving Pine a kiss.

Just for good luck.

XVI

Like in most years, the following January was calm and uneventful. It was the coldest month of the year, and the chill seemed to make Pine more lethargic and docile. His energy level went down, and I think it affected me, too.

One thing I did at least once a week that month was work from home. It was something I used to only do out of necessity, because my job was not suited for it. It required frequent collaboration and interaction with coworkers as well as the use of software that my laptop didn't have the bandwidth to run that well. It would end up making all my work more time-consuming, so I avoided it whenever possible. Even so, that January I did it because I quite simply wasn't in the mood to leave the house some days. I got my work done, it was just slower. I think it was worth it to hang out with Pine all day.

I'd work at a desk, and during those long hours at home Pine developed a strange new habit. He'd sit down under the table and lay his arms and head on my legs like he was trying to take a nap on a desk. Sometimes he did just that; fall asleep in my lap. It was really cute, at least until I felt the need to get up.

Those days went by quietly until the 29^th, which was my birthday.

I am not the kind of person who gets all excited about birthdays. I don't like all the attention. I don't even tell people about it. I treated my twenty-seventh birthday how I would any other, going to work as I always would. When driving back home, I was thinking of something small to do, a way I could indulge a little bit.

My car passed a steakhouse I really liked, and I had an idea. Ever since Pine started living with me, I had essentially stopped going to restaurants. Any meal I had I had at home. If I didn't cook, I'd order takeout or delivery. I realized that I had missed going out to eat. I didn't see why we couldn't do it, though. Pine could eat some food normally and knew how to act in public.

That night I took the two of us to a small restaurant I missed going to. I predicted that we'd get a lot of weird looks or odd questions from the people there, but for the most part that was just my anxiety talking. Nobody seemed to care. If the waitress thought it was strange that Pine never said a word and I ordered his food for him she didn't let on. The only thing that anybody even looked twice at was how I got us a booth but still sat us next to each other. To be fair, I don't think I had ever seen anybody do that, either.

We had a nice evening. I lightly held his hand under the table and let him lay his head on my shoulder, but I kept the contact to a minimum otherwise. The food was great. The whole experience was so relaxed and mellow.

After dinner, when I was done paying and tipping I looked out the window to see that it had started snowing. It wasn't a blizzard, but it wasn't just a couple flakes, either. I knew how much Pine hated the cold and snow and was in a really good mood, so I told Pine to wait at the table. I got up and left so I could get the car myself.

We got to the restaurant on the later side, well after the dinner rush, so there weren't many cars in the lot and it was quiet. I was just walking to my car when I got a weird feeling. Nothing too chilling, just a little creepy. I did the stupidest thing possible, which was just ignoring it.

I was around two thirds of the way to the car when I heard quick footsteps behind me. I didn't even have time to react before I felt a heavy blow on the left side of my face. I had just been sucker-punched.

I must have blacked out for a moment, because the next thing I knew I was standing somewhere different and had my arms pinned to my back. There was a man behind me pushing me against a car so I couldn't move. I could tell that he was stronger than I was.

He whispered in my ear. "Don't say a word. Give me your wallet. Don't try anything funny, either. I have a knife."

From where the voice was coming from, I guessed that the man was about my height. I knew that I couldn't take him in a fight, especially if he had a weapon. My survival instinct took over and I did what he asked. I slowly reached into my pocket and grabbed my wallet. It was when my wallet was almost out that three things happened, all right after the other within the space of a second: I heard a scream, all the weight and pressure was wrenched off of me, so much so that I was thrown to the ground myself, and I heard a loud, sickening crack.

In a second or two I regained my bearings and saw that Pine had come to my rescue. From what I could tell he came at the mugger at full speed with a flying tackle, knocking him down and slamming his head against the pavement. I was still in a daze when I noticed that Pine was on top of the mugger now, who I assumed was unconscious. Pine was still moving violently, and a heartbeat later I saw that he was using his fingernails to claw and scratch at the mugger's exposed face with everything he had.

For a moment, I couldn't move, but when I saw blood on Pine's hands I ran forward to get him off. I had to pick up his entire body as he struggled, flailing his limbs and snarling. I yelled at him to calm down, but he didn't listen.

In desperation I threw him down on the ground behind me. As he got to his feet I saw his face illuminated in the street lamps. He reminded me of how he looked when he tried scaring that bear the first day I knew him, but it was so much worse. He looked more beast than human. There was a rage, a hatred burning in his eyes. At that moment he didn't look like the Pine I knew. He looked like a vicious, feral animal.

As I often do when Pine's well-being is on the line, I acted without thinking. I swung my arm and slapped his face with every ounce of strength I could muster. I didn't even know what I was doing until I felt the pain in my palm. Never, since the day I met him, had I ever even considered hitting Pine. I guess my instincts thought that if it wasn't enough of a shock to his system to snap him out of it, nothing would be.

Thankfully I was right. Pine spun a little from the force and stumbled a bit. When he got up again he didn't have that murderous look anymore, he just looked confused and in a lot of pain. I grabbed him and pulled him close to me, just holding him still for a few moments. Then I heard a groan near me. The mugger was starting to wake back up.

I can't say how or why, but all my emotions left me at that moment. All of a sudden, I was cool and calculating to a degree that legitimately scares me when I look back on it. I calmly walked over to him. I saw the damage to his face but didn't really absorb the information. Instead I went through his pockets, trying to find out if he was bluffing when he said he had a knife. He wasn't. There was a huge switchblade in his coat pocket. He started to stir more, and within a second, I formed a plan. I knew what I wanted to happen and what part I would have to play.

I jammed my knee down on his stomach, forcing him to wake up completely. I spoke in a quiet, even voice.

"Don't move. Don't talk. Just look over here."

When he did I flicked the knife open. I didn't hold it against his throat or even point it at him, I just made sure he knew that I had his weapon. Realistically, he could probably still overpower me, but I hoped the performance I was putting on would deter him from fighting back. I kept talking.

"I don't know who you are, and I honestly don't care, but I'd say that considering what you tried to do, we're even."

I knew I could have gotten him arrested if I went to the trouble of detaining him and calling the police. Pine was likely in the clear from assault charges, too. The legal concept of self defense extended to protecting others. Still, that would involve putting Pine in the system, which I didn't want. Besides, at that moment I was just tired. I wanted the night to be over. It was all unnecessary, so unnecessary.

"I'm going to give you a choice," I said, lightly touching the tip of the knife with my finger. "In a few seconds, I'll back off, and when I do, I hope you'll do the smart thing and leave. Walk away and hope that I never see your face again." The tone I was using was very measured. I wanted it to sound like I was in control. I wanted to sound like a psychopath. It was all a front. I was terrified of this man, but hoped that it didn't show.

Thankfully, it worked. When I lifted my knee and took a few steps back, he left. I stood there, keeping up the cold façade until he was out of sight completely.

I looked at Pine to see him still standing in the same spot. I walked over and grabbed his wrist, pulling him with me as I went to the car.

The ride home was silent. Neither of us even looked at each other.

When we got to the house I brought us both straight to the bathroom. Pine had blood on his hands and I wanted it gone immediately. I was probably about twice as thorough as I needed to be. I scrubbed and cleaned and washed until I was absolutely sure that every single trace of blood was off his hands and down the drain.

The next thing I did was look at myself in the mirror. There was a big, dark bruise on the left side of my jawline. It was tender and throbbing, but there weren't any broken bones or missing teeth. It hurt a lot but would heal given enough time.

I turned to look at Pine and when I saw him my heart sank. He had a red, ugly mark on his cheek where I had struck him, standing out horribly against his fair skin. When I lightly touched it with my hand he flinched.