Water and Stone

Cautiously, I put my hand on her shoulder and squeezed. Alexa gripped my hand tightly, nodding at her own thoughts. We got our clothes on as quickly as we could, and headed back towards the tent.

Before long, we were sliding into our sleeping bags. Though they were both Alexa's. She'd given me the warmer of the two, and I had brought along my nice warm pajamas. I soon realized it was way too much for the summer evening, and opened my bag most of the way. Alexa for her part hadn't bothered to change, and looked perfectly comfortable arranged like me, half out of her sleeping bag.

"This is great," I said. "Did you ever do sleepovers as a kid? This feels like the adult version, with someone I like more than some of those annoying boys."

"Never did," she said wistfully. "By the time all the girls were doing them, I was keeping my distance from them. If you'd believe it, they were way worse than the guys."

"I believe it," I sighed.

"I was sure there was some vital knowledge getting passed around then, something that was making me fall even further behind in understanding how to be a woman. In retrospect I'm damned glad I avoided one more serving of bullshit. But I had no one to talk to about boys, about sex, about anything. You know, Kevin, aside from a couple doctors you're the first one I ever really talked to. Who was listening, that is."

She gave that bitter laugh again and it hurt just as much.

"The worst thing is that I always wondered how different it might have been if it had been someone kind, patient. Someone like you. There was a time when I got determined to try to fix myself. None of the tests the doctors did found anything clear. Therapy understandably got stuck on the giant problems in my past, and after a while it didn't seem to be helping."

"So, let me come clean. I have been fantasizing about you too, and also trying not to think about it for my usual reasons. Being in the great outdoors has always made my body feel more functional, so it wasn't something I could ignore when I was out last week. Just like that, I want to try again to make this stuck machinery work. Who knows if I can ever have an orgasm, but plenty of women manage to enjoy their sex lives without it. So that's what I'm aiming for: enjoying myself. I would love to have you along for that. And I know I'm doing this completely backwards but what do I fucking know about relationships anyway."

She burst into tears, burying her head in her sleeping bag. Awkwardly I finished wriggling out of my bag and rolled over to her. I stroked her head and put my arm around her shoulder, hugging her to me as she cried. She shuddered and cried harder.

Human contact, I thought. We're both so desperate for it.

"Does this mean we're dating?" I eventually asked.

The tail end of her tears started mixing with hiccups of laughter.

"Well, I'm a traditional girl," she said.

"Alexa," I said. "I'm so scared we'll fuck this up. And I just realized: of course we'll fuck up. I had years of marriage to know the secret is doing the work to unfuck things."

She nodded and nestled against me. I listened to her breathe more evenly, falling into her rhythm. Bigger, slower. She was physically powerful in a way Lisa wasn't. Different. I liked how she smelled. I realized she'd fallen asleep.

Just like Santa, I couldn't help thinking. A big cat. Absolutely trusting me. But this was an awful position for me to stay in. Carefully I unwrapped myself, and Alexa half woke before settling onto her sleeping bag.

My first night away from home since I moved here. Surprisingly comfortable sleeping pad. Air still. Silent but for a few frogs and Alexa's regular breath. I would be freaking out in the middle of nowhere by myself, but with Alexa it was normal. I focused on her breath, in, out, in,

* * *

"That's right, Kevin. Right -- oh GOD." Lisa tipped her hips underneath me and tried to draw me in even deeper. She grabbed my ass and pulled me hard. I did my best to split her in half and she groaned loudly.

"Oh, fuck, Kevin, you feel so good tonight. Hold me down and just take me as hard as you can."

What she really craved was the idea of the out-of-control fuck, the anticipation. The actual frenzy: well, that was just the icing. I put a firm hand in the center of her chest and pinned her down, starting my strokes long and deep. She begged and begged, pushing against me. I leaned forward and pinned her with my body, pulling myself mostly out of her as she growled with need. Gently I encircled one breast with my lips, sliding my teeth across a nipple and then trapping it firmly. She wanted me to bite hard, a little painfully, and I let her know what was coming as I nibbled and bit more and more firmly, rolling the other nipple between my fingers. She was so amazingly slick as she kept trying to fuck me, my dick tantalizingly just inside her.

I reached forward, holding her head back by her hair. She'd cut it short. Every hair style was so sexy on her. I grasped tighter and then thrust forward powerfully, holding myself deep inside her. As I pulled out I bit her nipples as much as she usually wanted, but she thrust her breasts harder against me, begging.

Bite, lick, thrust. Increasing speed. The light from the window was quickly fading, but we knew each other's bodies by heart. My dick was so solid, and I felt as though I could go forever like this. Lisa bucked under me and I repositioned my lips against her breast. There. God, her nipples were huge. She must be so fucking turned on. I bit her harder and she cried out incoherently. She was so tight, almost too tight as I pounded her harder and harder. She must be close. My beautiful wife. Her flat chest, her light downy body hair, her unbelievable pussy. No, too tight. Maybe she needed some lube. She was screaming, shouting at me, hysterical. Something was wrong. I thrust harder and harder, running a hand along her hip. So slim, those long, efficient muscles. Too familiar, no, no, NO, but I couldn't say anything, couldn't get out my own scream

* * *

"Kevin? Kevin!"

I struggled, and then my eyes were open. Night.

I was drenched in sweat and shaking. I was OK. Set aside what had happened. Just a dream. Get up if you need, sit with the ... oh.

"Alexa," I said shakily.

The moon had risen high, and I could see her clearly, lying next to me. She was holding my hand, stroking it nervously. I pulled it away reflexively, and she shifted slightly away, watching me with concern.

I tried to get comfortable, to calm myself, but everything was a mess. I needed my routine, my chair, my cat --

"Gotta get up and sit," I said shakily. "I'll be OK."

I quickly opened my door, stuck my feet in my shoes, hauled myself off, unsteady on my feet. The air was cool. That way, there was that rock where we ate lunch. I sat heavily.

"Can I join you?"

I hadn't heard her follow me, but this was her world, night or day. I gave a tired gesture at the rock next to me.

The stream burbled indistinctly, and the valley was well lit in the pale moonlight.

"I get them pretty regularly, the nightmares," I eventually said. "They started around the time I began to feel anything at all, months after I got here. Part of my glacially slow processing of the grief, I've come to think. I can manage them a lot better now, and overall they've been slowly fading. But this was an absolutely awful one. Alexa, it was terrifying, so horrible I can't talk about it."

She nodded and we sat together. After a long while I lay my head against her shoulder and listened to her steady breathing.

It wasn't some true version of you, I told myself. Not the animal hiding beneath a civilized veneer. Just an ugly, dark fear of hurting someone special. And of course the guilt again: Lisa being replaced. Well, fuck that. She would be so happy to see me falling in love again, with such a wonderful person.

"Intimacy, whatever that means for us," I said. "It's going to be tough. Lisa is going to be hovering there in the background the whole time."

"She's part of you," Alexa said unexpectedly. "A beautiful part. The way you look, the rare times you say anything about her -- of course she'll always be there. I wish I'd known her. You don't have to talk about her, but I would never feel threatened. Wistful, maybe, given the love you two had."

I sat with my thoughts a while longer. But habits held true, even out here. A half hour later I was back in the tent with Alexa, falling into a blissfully empty sleep.

* * *

Early morning. I stretched. A little sore, but all in all pretty great for a little pad on the ground. Well rested despite -- well, I would try not to linger on that.

Alexa was already up. I poked my head out the tent but didn't see her. Barely dawn -- I doubt she was getting ready for breakfast yet. Though who knew her sadistic schedule in the outdoors. Whatever, probably just taking a bathroom break or early stroll.

I lay back down and drifted comfortably in my thoughts. I was acutely disappointed to be leaving. This little taste of the outdoors, or being with Alexa in the outdoors, was the best thing I could remember in all the grey years since I moved.

She'd been gone a while. Probably not a bathroom break. A brisk morning walk would be like her, though, after all our sitting around.

I changed clothes, looking with amusement at the dirt on my pajamas. Off to take my own bathroom break, fighting a bit with an impressive amount of morning wood.

Back to camp. I didn't really want to just sit around until she got back but didn't know what to do with myself. I had brought a book, of course, but that seemed wrong somehow.

Maybe she was down at the stream. I hoped there was more of that coming this morning. My erection agreed. I wandered over to our rock overlook, but I'd forgotten that you couldn't see our little beach area from there. But maybe, if I walked a little further to that next outcropping. Sure enough, I started seeing some of our familiar pools. A flash of motion. There she was, in shade of the hot spring. Sounded like a good place for the morning. I'd just --

My brain suddenly started making sense of the scene. She had draped herself on her back across the pool. Naked, of course. Her graceful, long legs were doubled onto her chest, her butt pressing right up to the wall, where one of the less hot streams of water came down.

I stood frozen at the sight, hormones shattering across my brain. She was rocking slightly, eyes closed, totally oblivious to me up where I was, though she would have heard me coming down the path.

I tore my eyes away and quietly backed up. She'd all but said right out that she masturbated more on these trips than anywhere else. I hadn't actually imagined it out like that though. It was beyond erotic.

I realized if I thought about this much more it would get way too complicated. I needed to take care of my body right now, and then file this away as something I would never forget.

I pulled my dick out. If I just walked back a few steps, I could watch. No. It had been an accident. And the scene was pretty well burned into my memory anyway.

Nothing fancy, just some quick strokes, I was nearly there already. Poor Alexa. Right now this at least was so easy for me. Maybe somehow this time would be the magic breakthrough. Wishful thinking, but it was a nice fantasy for me, and she certainly deserved it. I sighed quietly as my orgasm struck and I sprayed a surprising amount of cum across the dirt in front of me. Yesterday had been one long exercise in anticipation, I guess. I suddenly thought with amusement: I never asked her about what to do about cum in the wilderness. I inwardly giggled and settled on kicking dirt around to cover everything up.

This was the right way to do it, I thought. Nothing fancy: just quickly get it out of my system if it seemed like it might become a Thing. I was feeling pretty great, and I headed back to the tent. Book sounded just fine.

A good forty-five minutes later I finally heard her coming into the camp. It added up to a real marathon session, though maybe that just made everything worse. I tried to stop thinking about it. She quietly poked her head into the tent, saw I was awake, and opened up her side to plop down.

Well, she was definitely lacked any great triumphant expression. She looked mostly tired and a little warm, but she smiled at me.

"Hey, good morning. Sleep OK?" she asked.

"Actually, yeah," I said. "Much better than I expected. And thank you so much for your company last night. How about you?"

She made a face. "Not as well as I usually do. No, it wasn't your fault, not directly. But I'm totally accustomed to being on my own out here. It will take a while to adjust."

She sat staring off at nothing for a while.

"I need to go take a walk and clear my head," she said eventually. "Please don't take it personally! I just need some alone time. Probably always will out here."

"Of course," I said. "I've got enough snacks for breakfast, and I saw some instant coffee. I don't know what your schedule was, but I thought some more swimming this morning sounded nice, so maybe you could meet me down there whenever you feel like?"

"Yeah, go for it," she said. "I was soaking for a little this morning in the hot springs. Never gets old. I'll keep my walk to an hour or two. See you later!" She grabbed her small pack, and then was off through the brush, disappearing up the hill.

I made myself coffee, proud of my new mastery of the little stove, relieved I didn't light anything that wasn't supposed to be on fire. Some fresh fruit, my various snacks. Honestly a better breakfast than I usually made time for. I took my book and my towel and headed down.

Alone, I was much less comfortable in the running water. I managed a good dunking and then retreated. For a while I enjoyed the feeling of standing completely naked, wet and a bit chilly in the morning air.

I guess I was lucky: I never thought much one way or another about my body. It looked all right. Lisa had always been vocal about how much she liked it, but then I was the same about her. Not as thin as when I married her. Just an average build now. Not much of a belly. Some decent muscles even though I never really used them. Thanks, genetics, I guess.

I looked over at the hot pool. That view of Alexa was one of the most erotic memories of my life. Lisa and I had talked through a few fantasies of doing it out on a deserted beach, but in real life we'd confined ourselves to exploring every location in our house. Some places worked better than others but it was all fun. Lisa on the edge of the washer, me on a box to get the height right, Lisa joking about trying the spin cycle. Awkward, hilarious, satisfying sex.

Maybe Alexa would never enjoy sex, but surely she and I could find something fun to experiment with. I knew I could be careful enough not to hurt her, if she was open to being touched. Fuck that nightmare anyway.

But the panic came anyway. Fantasy was one thing. Thinking about the real Alexa and how to approach any of this was still too much for me. I sighed. Patience. Surely it would get better.

The hot water was as wonderful as ever, but after a while I had to pull myself partway out. After retrieving my book with some care, I managed to settle myself comfortably against a ledge in the pool. I nestled my book protectively on my folded towel as I read.

"Hey, good setup!" Alexa had snuck up again. Some kind of witchcraft or at least highly trained woods lore.

She looked wonderful. Happier, more energized than before, actually sweating heavily for the first time I'd ever seen. It must have been a hell of a 'walk'. Her shirt was mostly soaked and her nipples showed through prominently. She noticed me staring and grinned.

"Oh, I'm giving you a show, aren't I," she giggled. "I have to wear a stupid sports bra or another layer for decency in town. I'd have just gone naked, but there was brush to worry about. Well, time to cool off."

With that she very deliberately faced me to take her clothes off. I thoroughly enjoyed the whole show and gave her a big thumbs up. She rewarded me with another brilliant smile, and then ran quickly into the water before whooping and diving under. What a joy it was to watch her.

Eventually she stood up fully and strode back towards me. Aphrodite emerging from the sea. But smarter and with a better disposition.

She tested the hot water. "Ugh, better stay out for a while and cool off. That was a good workout." She put down her towel and then stretched out lengthwise, leaning on her side so that her head was near mine.

Droplets of water joined and flowed down her freckled skin. Her pink nipples had stiffened in their wonderful way. She leaned forward carefully to take a look at the book I'd forgotten about, and I kissed her.

It surprised me as much as her. I mis-aimed slightly but it was a real, serious kiss on the lips, and despite surprising myself I had meant every bit of it. It was over quickly, both of us instinctively pulling away. My lips tingled and I felt a slow fire growing.

"Whoa," Alexa said. "That was, uh, great."

Our eyes met and we both tried to figure out what came next.

"Kevin," she asked, "could we do more of that? With me prepared? It was so lovely, but over too fast."

My brain was catching up. I wanted her so much. I suddenly realized I had an erection. The jitters started in.

"Uh, yeah," I said. "But just a kiss. I can manage that."

"It's not 'just' anything, Kevin," said Alexa, leaning back to me.

For a moment it really was our own universe. Her lips against mine, my hand stroking her wet hair, my fresh stubble probably tickling her. She seemed the more confident one, but I was the experienced one. Though I couldn't remember what kissing, what anything was like before Lisa. We awkwardly touched tongues and she started to stroke my neck. Probably that meant she liked that too. Too much thinking. The fire was building behind my groin. I was dizzy, my heart beating too fast.

I pulled back, brushing her cheek with my hand, and put my head down on my towel next to the book. Alexa lay silently beside me.

"That is so frustrating," I grumbled into my towel eventually. Alexa lightly stroked my hair. I lifted my head enough to look at her. She was smiling and sniffling. "But it was wonderful, too," I added.

Alexa nodded, wiping her eyes. "So are we dating then?" she asked innocently.

I reached over and tweaked her nose. She went briefly crosseyed and then burst out laughing.

Alexa didn't think she was likely to cool off too soon. "Especially after that kiss," she said. We decided it was lunch time, and started gathering our things. I watched her bend over, exposing herself wide open from behind. What a glorious pussy. My dick resumed proudly calling attention to itself.

Her shirt was still soaked, and she wrinkled her nose when she picked up her damp underwear. She smiled when she saw my state of arousal.

"Now, I don't know how to break this to you, Kevin, but I'm not going to put this stuff on again, so you'll have to handle me naked a little longer."

"I'm heartbroken," I said. "I'll just have to follow behind and stare at your ass like usual. I'll try not to, uh, bump into you."

Alexa laughed and turned to head up. She tossed a quick, frank look back at me and then slapped her ass. "Just follow this shining beacon and you won't get lost."

We ate another lunch of PB&J. Maybe it was just fine for Alexa, but I'd have to start figuring out more diverse food for our longer trips. I stopped and let that idea sink in. I must be hooked.

We hadn't really planned to be around much into the afternoon, and I think we were both savoring the memory of that kiss. A high point, and something to process. After lunch we started to break down the camp site. Alexa was quick with practice and had everything packed into the jeep in no time before leading one last sweep for any fragments of trash we'd missed. Nothing. We'd already removed a couple glass fragments from the area around the hot springs. Leave it better than when you arrived, she said.